From reading your blog, I know that you recently went through a bad break up, and I'm currently in that situation. While it's not bad in the sense that we're not talking and hate each other, it's bad in the sense that it hurts every second of every day, and as much as I would rather be with him, he decided that we would be better off apart. How have you been surviving the break up, and getting through it to the other side? How you have been doing it and what has helped you?
Oh friend. I am flattered that you think I could write a 'how-to' post on this, but I think this piece should be more accurately titled "How to turn the corner after a break up, stop crying in the bathroom at work, and begin to enjoy your life again (but still sometimes cry when you hear that one song)"
But that's a really long title for a blog post.
That said, I'm happy to share the things that I've been doing that have helped me get through this messy, mopey time.
Remove the ex from your life (at least for a while)
The truly mutual, friendly break up is a rare bird - usually someone's feelings are bound to be hurt. If you were the injured party, I think it's particularly important to distance yourself for a bit. If you hang out with the ex all the time, you may find yourself trying to be your best, most charming self in an effort to make them see the error of their ways and run back to you. And if you genuinely enjoy each other's company and really like hanging out with each other ... well, that's not going to help anybody get over anybody.
It's really, really hard to take this step and you might even worry that you're hurting this person. Just tell them that you're not trying to be malicious or hurtful and that someday you'd like to be friends, but right now you need some distance for your mental health. Then defriend the emmeffer.
Be 100% honest with yourself about any issues that you had with your ex or the relationship
We all make compromises in relationships and no relationship is perfect - common knowledge, right? But sometimes when we're in the thick of things, we downplay how much something means to us in an effort to keep the peace ... there's not really any point in obsessing over his love for bad Science Fiction is there? But now that you're not together anymore, be honest with yourself about the things that didn't work for you in the relationship. They might not have been huge issues, but have a good think on them and be thankful that you don't have to deal with them anymore.
Put yourself on a dating hiatus
If you just got out of a relationship, especially a long term one, being single feels like visiting a foreign country. And as tempting as it is to hook up with the first applicant for the position of boyfriend, it's probably a bad idea. You're not ready for it and you might end up hurting a lovely, unsuspecting person who just wants to love you.
If you feel weird about being single, view it as a 'dating diet' ... none of that high calorie hooking up and number-swapping for you! Only heaping helpings of girlfriends, fun, and go-nowhere flirting! I've even allotted a specific end-date to my dating diet (Sept 1) to make it seem more fun ... as though I'll immediately begin making out with a delicious gentleman at the strike of midnight on August 31st.
Have heaps of fun with your friends
Now that you're single you probably have heaps more time to spend with all the amazing people in your life. Also, view this time as an opportunity for your friends to go to bat for you - don't be afraid to bawl your little eyes out over beer/cheese/bacon cupcakes. Or around the bonfire. Or at the coffeeshop. Or all of the above. You've helped them through their dramas, they will help you get through this.
But it doesn't have to be all weeping and yelling about how "you were too good for him anyway!" Go to the drive in, or the zoo, or the tarot card reader. Road trip and skinny dip and make popsicles. Do so many fun things that you're too busy to think about whats-their-name.
Make a new plan
If you were in a long term relationship, there's a good chance that this person played into your plans for the future. Maybe you were going to go to your second choice school to be closer to them, or live in the city instead of the mountains. Maybe you were going to work part time because they could support you. But things are different now and doesn't everything feel better if you have a plan? Sit down with a cup of tea and a journal and think about what you really want to do, now that you don't have anyone else to consider. The sky's the limit!
Make some changes
A new flat. A new haircut. A new wardrobe. The change in your relationship status might not feel so completely overwhelming when it's part of a hurricane of changes in your life. I think it also really helps to mix things up a bit so you're not constantly surrounded with the sweater you wore on your first date, the book he gave you for your birthday and couch where you first made out. Besides - this is a totally sanctioned excuse for shopping!
Take care of yourself
It is incredibly, incredibly tempting to devolve into a sweats-wearing, ice cream-snarfing, SATC-viewing mess, but you'll feel heaps better if you look after yourself. If you're going to fanny around the house all day, at least do it in a kinomo. If you're going to pig out, do it goat cheese and baguettes. If you want to watch bad TV, do it with your friends. Don't for get to shave your legs, get some sunshine and get a bit of exercise. It might be hard to get going, but you'll be so glad you did that instead of sitting inside, listening to Jeff Buckley and eating a whole frozen pizza.
It is incredibly, incredibly tempting to devolve into a sweats-wearing, ice cream-snarfing, SATC-viewing mess, but you'll feel heaps better if you look after yourself. If you're going to fanny around the house all day, at least do it in a kinomo. If you're going to pig out, do it goat cheese and baguettes. If you want to watch bad TV, do it with your friends. Don't for get to shave your legs, get some sunshine and get a bit of exercise. It might be hard to get going, but you'll be so glad you did that instead of sitting inside, listening to Jeff Buckley and eating a whole frozen pizza.
Practice the art of letting go
You can't control your ex's decisions, you can only control your responses to them. Maybe they chose to end your relationship. That doesn't mean that you're not amazing and gorgeous and totally, totally loveable. It means that they weren't the right person for you right now.
30 comments:
I just (like a month ago) broke up with my boyfriend, and haven't seen him since. It's hurt a lot, but definitely made me able to think about the things that he did or wanted that I didn't (and how he wasn't good enough for me anyway :D)
I think a week of hiding inside, watching Kill Bill and crying/screaming into the Ben and Jerry's is carthatic, followed by a weekend of dressing in your best dress and looking fab, even if you're only going to the supermarket. Works for me :)
Also, regular exercise releases endorphins making you feel pretty dang good. Here in my town we have several miles of beautiful bike and pedestrian trails along with some local riding groups that venture out on longer rides each week. One of our local group rides ends up in a bar in neighboring town about 10 miles away where the riders socialize over beer, nachos, and burgers.
Amelia, Sarah, and the original letter author, remember that you are the goods. Take your time and get back to feeling like your fabulous selves.
I had a break up a few months ago. Reading your blog helped because I saw someone else going through the same things, which always makes me feel better!
One thing that helped me was to think about the issues with the relationship, including things I did, and make note of what would make the next one better.
The other, which was huge for me, was to make a new plan. I had been on track to move into his house so the breakup obviously changed that. Going out and finding my own place and embracing living by myself (for the first time!) has really helped me.
I agree about not rebounding but I live by the motto:
"The best way to get somebody off your mind is to get someone else on your body."
Just make sure you aren't still hooking up with your ex...you WILL get hurt.
My only other advice is the cliche that "time heals all wounds". It's the darn truth!
I was just talking to a couple of newly single girlfriends over the weekend. I got out of a five year relationship about two years ago, and holy crap, that was difficult even though it was amicable.
Great advice, Sarah! Having gone through it myself, I can vouch for all this stuff actually working. It does! It may take a while, but suddenly you'll find yourself *gasp* happy about the break up, even if it wasn't your idea.
My advice: get a pretty tattoo! It really helps distract you.
Yeah, "time heals all wounds" is a trite and bitter pill to swallow. But it's true. I agree with you, Sarah: I've found that I need to spend some time alone after a breakup. And to have my ex completely out of my life. Occasional (cordial or semi-) run-ins are ok, but I have to re-learn how to be without her. I also have to re-figure-out what *I'm* all about. I've seen too many off-again/on-again situations with my friends. They end up prolonging the pain because they can't get over the initial hurt of being without someone (not necessarily each other). Serial monogamy and relationship-jumping also result.
Thanks for the post, it reminded me why I'm ok with being single right now and keeping the bar set where it is.
These are great tips that I wouldn't have even thought about if it weren't for you.
Thanks!
Great post. I really really like your blog! it's insightful, with a lot of useful content. "Rocking a Champagne Life on a Beer Budget"? AWESOME.
& Andrew WK is the master of Frat-boy theme songs, i agree haha.
-Vee
I've always found friends to be the best replacement for a boyfriend when breaking up. It's a well known fact that once you get a boyfriend you don't see your peeps as often, breaking up means time for girl's night in, drinks out, weekend trip to visit friends, accepting free drinks from attractive men without guilt, etc ;o)
Almost made me wish I wasn't in a relationship so as I could go out and do all that amazing stuff! ;)
Thank you! Your blog is seriously awesome :D xxx
That's great advice! I've been through a lot of nasty break ups--most of which were long-term. I agree that surrounding yourself with friends and family is the best thing you can do. They support you and love you, ever without your former counterpart.
Another piece of advice I would share is that if you had plans for events (like a vacation, to attend a concert, to go to a party, etc) with your ex, keep the plans, but bring a friend or two along. It will help you realize that you can do fun things even without your ex.
I had a horrible one 4 years ago (via note, NOTE I say!!!) when a five year relationship broke up. It took me until this year to finally completely let go.
DON'T hold onto the pain because you are bitter. It is like eating poison and hoping the other person dies.
oh YES did i have a bad break up - about 5 years ago now - maybe longer and it still kinda sucks to see that douche bag walking around being popular! I handled it badly and I do regret it because he hasn't had the chance to see the awesome woman i've grown into from that snivelling girl he decided to leave for his best friends girlfriend.
but time did heal, i got over it, and i'm much stronger for it. a couple of years being single and having an awesome times provies that relationships are just one state of being not THE state of being
thanks for the awesome post :)
I've never been through a break-up, but this is really well-written. Love your blog!
I'm only 14, so I've never had breakup problems. I've never even been on a date!
But I can give this advice: Know that when you are single, you are spending this time making your self into a better girlfriend for when the perfect guy does come along.
This is really great advice, and your blog is amazing. Really.
Excellent advice!
Thanks for another great post! Im starting to get addicted to this blog! :)
truly very helpful insights.
My solution to any problem. Make a list.
I recently broke up and moved out. Before moving out, I made a list of:
- What I like about my self?
- Why Im moving out?
- What are the things I could do after I moved out? Hobbies to pursue, books to read, places to travel....
- Friends I could call when Im feeling down & I informed these friends that they would be my support line.
I just stuck these on the fridge and the moment i feel a little depressed or getting low I rush to the fridge and randomly pick anything to do or a friend to call.
IT HAS REALLY HELPED!!!
I'm just seeing this now, but it's a great post. I agree with all your steps, even though they can be very hard to take (and that's the challenge of a Very Bad Breakup). My own Very Bad Breakup was with my first boyfriend/first love. I ended up re-dating him, doing the whole "friends with benefits" thing (in hopes he'd come back to me, but of course made me all the more attached to a lost cause), and having a very unfair rebound relationship I wasn't ready for. In the long run, I wasn't really UNATTACHED until I got some space from him to really think. He went to Marine Corps bootcamp at the same time I left for my Freshman year of college. The space really cleared my head, and when a flirty friendship developed with a cute friend of my roommate's, I finally allowed myself to let go for real and take a chance on someone else. My roommate's flirty friend? Well, I've been dating him for almost two years now, and I'm so thankful I allowed myself to let go so I could be truly happy.
Another thing that helped? The day of my Very Bad Breakup coincided with the day a couple good friends and I were planning to see a movie. When I got there, my best girlfriend was waiting for me with Ben&Jerry's and a hug. I know you shouldn't eat ice cream ALL the time, but it really is a great band-aid.
Thank you so much for your doing your blog and doing it well.
At times when we need a helping hand and a little advice (like now after a terrible disgusting breakup) we can seek a little refuge in knowing that you have gone through it, and see the comments full of other supporters and 'survivors'. : )
And when we need to; find new ideas for fun stuff to do, think about the future, make a plan, or laugh at you talking about convincing your cat into a sweater, you're still one of my go-to-girls.
So thanks
Thanks for your post. I've been looking for this kind of advice for days. You're right in many points. (Blush) I do still hang out with him, I do try to be more attractive than ever, I forget all the issues I had with him...
I've got two terrible break-ups, my first love and the one recently. The irony is he is 5 years younger than me, for many reasons we know our relationship leads to nowhere. I had almost wanted to dump him but when he ended it, I felt totally depressed.
I know, I know "this too shall pass" but it hurts a lot. He was a part of my life, we did many things together, he was always there for me. After the breakup, every morning I woke up feeling empty and miserable. And yes, I cried listening to that particular song. I couldn't eat much and I lost weight (positive side effect!).
All in all, I learnt to face it, accept the fact that my heart is broken, the truth is he's gone. We can do this and that, can dance and sing, but in the lonely nights, we cry. So just let it be.
I also agree with the idea not to immediately involve in another relationship. After my first breakup, I got lots of uncommitted relationships, one guy after another. It's enjoyable and hurt-free but doing so (sounds like classical novel) you can never taste true love.
I could realize your feeling, because I had the same experience several years ago. That's my first love and you're right, he was a part of my life, I was used to him to accompany me. Lost my love suddenly gave me infinite pain. But I really want to
struggle for my own happiness.
I think your advice is useful and helpful, thank you so much！And I like your blog, it's fun, interesting and useful, I'll see this blog periodically.
great advice. inspiring :)
huh! what great advice :)
you totally rock and yes, it really does help to get all dressed up, even if you're just going to the grocery store. :)
thanks for writing and keep it up!
I'm just seeing this, sarah, and I love it! I'm going through a break up..the part about concentrating on which little things actually meant much more to us is very precious advice. Thanks. :)
This is a great post and the end made me cry. Thank you so much for writing this.
My hesitation with a lot of break-up advice is the idea that we should tell ourselves why the relationship was bad for us. I don't think that's always healthy. Part of committing to a partnership is realizing that no relationship is perfect and no person is perfect.
I think some relationships end because of timing or the other person's ability to commit, and it doesn't mean that I should recreate the narrative of that relationship to say it wouldn't have worked anyway.
It doesn't sound like you're quite saying that anyway (just suggesting that we feel relief to have reprieve from our ex's quirks).
I was glad to find this...
As I type this I'm sitting in my bed crying over my own recent breakup. I know time heals all wounds (it's such a cliche but it is very true) but damn... this sucks! I hate waking up every morning wondering why I feel so bad.
I'm going through this and I have committed all the crimes you aren't supposed to do. I sit around. I gave up on my appearance. And I see my ex all the time because it's the only way to get that heavy feeling off my chest. I love this article. It takes a strong person to be able to do the things on this. I know I'll definitely give it a shot.
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