Dear Dude is an occastional column in which my good friend, The Dude, answers some of your questions about the hairier sex. Dear Dude is an industrial designer by day and a serial flirt by night. He owns entirely too many bikes and a fairly well-behaved dog. He loves good food, good music and smart ladies.
I’ve been dating a guy for three months – I really like him and I know he really likes me. He tells me all the time that he thinks I’m hot and sexy but when we’re having ‘The Sexy Times,’ um, the evidence indicates otherwise, ifyouknowwhatimean. Like, we can’t seal the deal at least half the time. He’s made a variety of excuses (stress, weed, etc) but I feel like it’s got to be at least partially me. Thoughts?
Dear Unsealed Lady,
First, calling it ‘The Sexy Times’ made me think of Borat in that over-the-shoulder speedo, and for that, I deduct 20 points, for the mental assault you just perpetrated on me. But, plus 40 points because now I am thinking about who would be cast in the role as a “female Borat” character – I am thinking it should be former mono-brow wearer Salma Hayek!
But seriously, I can tell you are being sensitive about this issue. For that, I commend you, because this guy is already self conscious about it at this point. Add to that an impatient or mocking girlfriend, and you have a recipe for sexual dysfunction.
I’m left wondering what “we can’t seal the deal” means… is he having trouble maintaining an erection, or is it his failure to orgasm? I’m no doctor, but I have heard that low blood pressure can disrupt the body’s ability to push blood into extremities. Diet could come into play here, along with stress, drug use, or even depression as libido-stifling factors. Then, at sexy time, nerves and stress, anxiety, personal history, emotional scaring etc. could be considerations. All these factors could be at play, creating a perfect storm of impotence.
There is plenty of medical literature out there to be found regarding erectile dysfunction – a great resource is The Sex is Fun Podcast.
Labeling it as a failure – failure to “seal the deal” – immediately calls into question the whole experience. Did you have a good time? (YES!) Does he say he enjoyed the experience, even if he didn’t orgasm? (YES!) If either answer is no, then there may be a problem, but if all answers are yes and you know that he likes you and finds you attractive, I don’t think you have a problem.
Have any of you ladies experienced anything similar? What advice would you give to our friend?