True Story: I Have A Toxic Relationship With My Mom

Do you have a toxic relationship with your mom? What's life like if you don't like your mom? Click through for one woman's story of life with an unstable mom.
Tell us a bit about yourself.
My name is Amy and I’ve lived in Michigan all 27 years of my life. I work as a graphic designer at an ad agency by day. By night and weekends, I can usually be found with my boyfriend remodeling our 100-year-old farm house, photographing anything and everything or just spending time with my friends.

What is your relationship like with your mother?
My relationship with my mother has never been really great or even good, for that matter. Growing up, there was a lot of haste in our household; a lot of arguing, blaming and sadness.

Anything that I ever did was just never good enough for my mother; anything from mopping the floors ‘the wrong way’ or not calling her as often as she would have liked. I spent many years dreading every conversation with her and had lots of meltdowns before a visit with her.

How old were you when you realized that your mother wasn’t like other mothers?

I think deep down, even as a small child, I have always known that there was something about my mother that just wasn’t right. I was always looking for any excuse to be away from her and when I turned 15 I couldn’t wait to be 18 so I could move out.

When I was 16-years-old my boyfriend had come over to take me on a date, my mother asked me to put away my shoes and I told her that I would get to it in a few minutes. A few minutes later she completely freaked out on me, yelling and screaming at me for not listening to her and not being good enough to even put my shoes where they belonged.

She grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me as hard as she could just yelling and screaming, all while my boyfriend stood watching in fear.

When I turned 18, I did move out and that’s when my relationship with my mother went even more downhill. We would go for a while and I would assume that things were fine, but then out of the blue I’d receive a phone call or an e-mail blaming me for her depression “how could I leave if I loved her at all?”

How does your mother interact with other people?

To those who don’t know my mother well think that she is just the sweetest, most gracious being. In truth, she’s very manipulative and very good at hiding her true colors.

She’s never really had a lot of friends; when someone tells her something that she doesn’t want to hear, that’s just the end of that relationship, period. She clings to those who give her and tell her what she wants.

Do you have any idea why your mother behaves like this?

There have been a lot of women on my mother’s side of the family that have suffered from mental illnesses. My mother has always suffered from depression and although I’m no doctor, I’d say that she has some form of mental illness; whether it’s borderline personality disorder, bipolar, or just plain narcissism I have no idea.

I do know that her mother is an enabler. She has always been there to pick my mother up when she’s fallen, telling her what she wants to hear and giving her what she wants. I think because of this my mother really has no way of knowing how to learn from failure.

How has your relationship with your mother affected other aspects of your life?

I have always struggled with my self-esteem; I am constantly hearing my mother’s voice in my head putting me down or laughing at me.

Have you confronted your mother about her behavior? How do you deal with your mother now?
Not too long ago, I received one of many e-mails from my mother telling me how awful I am, telling me that it was my responsibility to help her out of her depression. I responded that I was just not going to accept her behavior anymore. I told her that she needed to see a counselor because she needed help.

Shortly after that e-mail dialogue she became belligerent toward me and threatened to kill herself (she’d threatened before but this time she went farther).

I filed a petition to have her committed, but she manipulated her way out of that. After that, she threatened me, she blamed me once again for her depression and denied ever threatening to kill herself. So I gave her an ultimatum; I said she could either get the help that she needs or she could no longer consider me her daughter. She chose the latter.

How do the other people in your life feel about your mother and your relationship with her?

My boyfriend, my step-father, and my friends are completely supportive of my decision to no longer have a relationship with my mother. My step-dad is my biggest supporter, he lived with her for just as long as I did and he too knows her true colors.

It’s difficult sometimes because I know that to people who don’t know the entire situation are judging my decision; how on earth could I completely walk away from the woman who gave birth to me? The woman who raised me, her only child?

But I know the truth as do the people closest to me; I’m just not going to let someone manipulate me, emotionally abuse me and lay burdens all over me regardless of the fact that she gave birth to me. I remind myself every day that my decision was right and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

What advice would you give to someone struggling with something similar?
My advice to anyone in a similar situation is to realize that it’s not your fault.

You do not need to listen to anyone who emotionally abuses you.

You do not need to spend time with people who treat you poorly and it doesn’t matter if that person is a stranger, a friend, a spouse, a relative or even your parent.

You need to do what is best for you. Surround yourself with happiness and focus on the good in life. See a therapist; they help you to see a new perspective.

I’ve found the book Toxic Parents  – Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life to be very helpful.  Or visit Toxic Mom Toolkit or look up Toxic Mom ToolKit on Facebook – there’s an entire community of people in similar situations; you are not alone. If you think (or know) that your mother is a toxic mom remember that it’s not you, it’s her.

What’s your relationship like with your mom?  Any questions for Amy?

P.S. How to deal when people disappoint you

P.P.S. If you’d like more help navigating the relationships in your life, I have a whole Pinterest board devoted to them.

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  1. blm


    Thanks so much for sharing! Your mother sounds exactly like my grandmother and my stepdaughter's bio-mom. The two of them are textbook definitions of Histrionic Personality and I think your mother may have at least some components of that based on your description.

    My stepdaughter, 5, lives full-time with my husband and I in Japan, but sees her bio-mom for summers and alternating winters (and has weekly Skype calls with her–when BM shows up). Do you have any advice for us as her primary caregivers to help relieve the burden of the relationship with her bio-mom? Or is there anything we can really do to try to cushion the hurtful things her mother does?

    All the best,

    • mayra

      For years my mother and I had a rocky relationship I would make excuses as to why she acts that way… one minute she’s fine the next she acts like a 5 year old child.. this passed Friday my dad and my mom started to argue just because my father gave me a purse that he bought in a second had store. He originally gave it to my mother but of course since she didn’t know the brand of the purse she didn’t want it. Once I told her the amount of the purse then she made a huge issue about it. I walked away but since they where arguing I decided to bring it back. on Sunday I brought the purse to my parents house and my dad said “I gave it to you” and I told him “no its ok” so he tells my mom “look she brought the purse back ” she says with a little girl voice “you didn’t want it” and I said “it’s not mine” and she said “ok” with a smirk on Monday I went to my parents since I made my office in one of my parents bed rooms. She decided to ignore me so I just didn’t say anything to her. Today same thing I arrive to my parents she ignores me I go out to do my tickets for work and when I come back I saw my dad outside and gave him a kiss on the cheek and said hello and he was in a good mood. I go into my office to do paper work then about an hour later my dad knocks on my door and tells me ” do you have room in your apartment ” and I said yes why ” I need you to get your office shit and work from the apartment because I need the room” he was so mad and I didn’t understand why until I look up and my mom was looking at us with a huge smile all I told my dad was ok I’ll be out by this weekend… what hurts is I feel like I just lost both my parents over a stupid purse and because of this I don’t want to know anything else about them. I know I’m not the best daughter but I do every for them I’m always around just in case they need something and this hurts so bad I still can’t stop crying my daughter saw what happened and all I can tell her is that I love her and I would never kick her out for anything. The only reason why I’m working from my parents is because my mother asked me to work from ther. I don’t think I could ever forgive my parents and I will never forget.

      • Kristeen Campbell

        Oh my goodness. It’s like reading a scene from my life. My poor father never got any peace from my mother and nor did my two sisters and I. X xxx

        • Denise Green

          It just seems like nobody even cares about me or for me ! And also thanks to me getting flagged for financial aid for school. I am just too poor to even attend college. And things are just not going right for me and I was yelling at everyone throwing things crying everywhere in my room! And then I also thought of the worst thing suicide thoughts.

          • Zennia

            This article feels like someone walked into my life and is narrating it . I too am 15 and can’t wait too move out . I love photography and want to be a graphic designer one day .i want to live in a big ranch house when I’m older. It feels like it’s reading my future relationship with my own mother . She’s exactly like this . EXACTLY . A difference would be that I have a physcopath sister and she has ruined everything , manipulated us for her own selfish needs , she’s used my mother disrespected her ran away , much more . and I was always the one that put up with everything and stayed put no matter what . It seems like she’s forgotten who was always there for her when my younger sister tried to deport her and lied about child abuse . Now they both talk shit about me together and rub it in my face . They’re so toxic I cry and cry until my I feel like I might throw up and my heart hurts and I feel so betrayed and worthless . My whole family has betrayed me including my dad who left and other family members (too long to explain ) who have left us when we needed them the most . I always knew my mom had a mental illness or that she wasn’t like other moms but I never thought she would hurt me intentionally like this . It hurts . I’ve confronted her about how I feel and she has just brushed it off , screamed , blamed me say it’s my fault im depressed and say that I don’t hold account for the things I do . That it’s not her fault . She will manipulate me and make me feel crazy like it’s all my fault . After I told her how I feel she went to go tell my sister everything and now she has token upon herself to tell me everything they say and that they hate me and that I’m lazy fat ugly and worthless and that IM THE PHSYCOPATH cause I don’t show emotions to them . All They do is try to put me down and I just want to leave . My whole life has been episodes of shitty things happening and I’m not saying none of it is my fault but my mom is supoosed to be there to make me feel loved and that she cares but I don’t feel safe with her I feel unloved and that no matter what I do it’s not good enough …. last year I tried to commit suicide . A enormous factor of it had to do with my home life . I changed my mind last minute and put a toothbrush down my throat a threw up all 100 sleeping pills I took (pills due to my insomnia) . I lay sobbing on the bathroom floor and then went to pass out on the couch . I never told a soul not even my best friend . I wasn’t sure if Throwing up would prevent me from overdosing or not because I had done a lot of research and found out at times it takes a couple hours to od . I regreted throwing up the pills and just layed on the sofa wishing I would die . My mom soon came home and I was sick and still sick for the next few days having od symptoms of hard hurtful headaches , stomach aches so painful and was just miserable . She saw my red face on the couch , clearly upset and NO I wasn’t looking for attention simply I was in a weird daze almost as a I was high I wasn’t thinking straight and felt like I was half asleep so I passed out on the couch . Any ways she saw something was wrong and didn’t care didn’t ask . Instead she took it upon herself to yell and scream at me for a little thing I’ve done , takes away my phone and yell some more for being so lazy and never doing shit . My sister backed her up and I stayed silent willing myself to sleep . There’s way more to this story and to mylife story including more details that explain my living situation and my toxic relationship with her but I’m not sure anyone will sit through and actually read all of this . Anyways , this article made me see I’m not the only one . I know god heard my prayer and it would just mean a lot if Anyone could reach out and tell me some of their experiences or advice or if I’m actually just the crazy one because I need to know .

          • IDontWantToGiveMyName

            hi, im trying to leave a comment under Zennia’s but I’m still trying to figure out the website so i may be leaving this comment under something else.
            Well, just wanted to say you are definitely not alone. I’ll be 15 this April and my relationship with my mom is very similar. I have a brother who’s just like your sister. He is younger than me and always supports my mom no matter what. He tells me that i am ruining our family and everyone would be happier if I didn’t exist. Almost everyone saved themselves from my mom. My uncles don’t talk to her and one of her brothers who owns a business refuses to hire her because he knows she will pick fights with everyone. Honestly i get what’s wrong with my mom. My father is not really the caring type and values money too much and my mom feels like he forced her to work night shifts all her life. She basically gets charged up with everything wrong with her marriage and then explodes on me. She is also toxic and abusive. She basically makes it my job to keep her happy. And the worst thing is that she uses “when i die…” as a tactic to make me feel guilty. A few days ago she asked me to write down everything that is wrong with her as a parent and said she was going to put her on her grave. She just acts crazy. She would kick me out since i was 5 years old and whenever she didn’t get her way she would act like she couldn’t breath in front of me and my brother (we were about 4 yo when it first started. She is very abusive too. She says her mom used to hit her with burning forks and that slapping me whenever she gets angry is nothing. Also she drew out my whole future and goes into a panic attack ish state whenever i tell her I want to be a criminal lawyer or go into law enforcement. I have a few more years until college so i just gotta be patient.

          • Anonymous

            It’s the same with my story…. I feel hell out of this world I never want to stay here, I agree that i had done lot of mistakes but wasn’t it a job of a parent to ignore that and love their kid d way they use to? Why am I being hurted so much should I really live or kill myself,

          • Denise Green

            My mom is really getting worse instead of better and just no longer than today that her and I got into a verbal and physical altercation with each other and she keeps on calling me a devil and she is just neglecting me and had a nerve to have the cops come to the house and I don’t think she wants me there and she neglected me more so and she won’t help me instead she said that I needed help mentally and I don’t I have heart problem because of her. I just want out and away from her.

        • DeniseGreen

          I mean my birthday on yesterday’s was horrible and my niece got into a fight with me when we were leaving Chesapeake and then i also got sick and threw up and then my menstrual cycle came on too and then i told my niece to stop talking about me like that and then i threatened her by saying that she would go to jail because she assaulted me me by kicking me and cursing me out.

          • Anonymous

            I’m floored……I really thought I myself, was the problem. I have come to see that all my intimate long term relationships were with people very similar…..


            Mean I have a heart problem because of my mom and how she treats me

        • Deborah h.Porter a.k.a. Lady-D

          Don’t feel BAD I am 64 years old & my Mother is 79 & we both moved into a 4 Bedroom 2 story Home in Las Vegas and it wasn’t easy I never wanted to Live Under the Same Roof with my Mother again I left home,& married & had a child at 17 years old and has been on my own every since she treats me like i am a little girl & i always tell her Motheri’m not your little girl anymore I’m a senior citizen just like you are,a senior I am a Grown Woman Now!

          • Theresa

            Omg that’s my story I’m 59 my mom is 79 and my father just passed away last Father’s Day I was homeless and my parents would not take me in but they bought a condo for my mentally ill brother who now has teenagers that are lazy and don’t go to school but they housed him. I always felt that condo should have been for any of there kids that didn’t have a place to stay but they let my brother kick me out years ago, well needless to say my mom took me in after my father passed and I’m getting to know her she is needy and gossips to other members of my family like tries to get us to not get along she adores my older sister because she buys her things like a new bed a cruise I can’t afford to do that she treats me like I’m 16 years old and I don’t go out or have any kind of a life but she finds things to pick on me for like I’m celebrating one year clean from heroin and I feel like I’m going to relapse because of her she’s demanding and bossy she hates to be alone like I can’t have my privacy because she wants me to watch a movie with her every night then she picks a fight with me and tells me I’d better find a place to move to calls my sick brothers gossips about me (by the way I don’t by into her gossip) and I think that bothers her she’s always talking about everyone behind there back I want to say grow up but sometimes I feel like she is going to assault me I don’t know what to do I want to die sometimes help me if you can oh and I can’t mop right either or my hair isn’t perfect god help us be somewhat normal just tolerate each other anything I can’t afford to move out but I would in a heartbeat I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal but I don’t want to be like her that’s for sure….

      • Katie

        Hey I’m Katie . I really thought I was the only one with a mother like mine. I’m 28 years old and still being told how to do laundry or what shoes to wear. 6 months ago I broke my foot so I had to move home. Over the years my relationship with my mother was terrible. She had me arrested, turned everyone against me. Even told my father he was not allowed to talk to me. I would really like some advice or a pen pal someone I can talk to about how to get out and do it right . If there is anyone that can help me get thru this please, help there’s a lot more that has happened this is the short version. If there’s anyone please email me [email protected] my boyfriend try’s to tell me how to handle it but he’s never been in the situation like this and I see him getting frustrated with me not sticking up for myself. Please help thank you

        • Jane

          Hang in there…I too have a toxic relationship with my mother and she also had me arrested and ruined my life. For years I begged and begged her to go to counselling with me to mend our broken and dysfunctional relationship, but she always refused…I feel like it’s because she doesn’t want to look in the mirror and admit to HER mistakes. 10 years later she offered to go to counselling, but it was too little too late. The damage has been done and I no longer even wish to reconcile with her…I can’t even bare looking at her, hugging her makes me cringe and telling her “I love you” feels like torture. I feel like I want to never see her again for the rest of my life. She has always made me feel like I was never good enough. I have always been 2nd to my sister in her eyes and thats the way she raised me to feel whether she wants to admit it or not. You have to do all you can to get out of your Mom’s house and put some distance between you. If there is still hope for you they say “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and you may find you get along better not living with each other. Don’t give up, don’t allow her to destroy your life. Do what you need to do in order to be happy. You can’t change someone else-only your self.

        • Anonymous

          It’s awful isn’t it, the one person who is supposed to keep you safe not bully you! I’m in a similar situation and have been all my life, I have no idea why my mum has acted like she has with me. ever since I was a child she’s emotionally abused me, her and my dad split when I was younger and she’s always chosen her love life over her children. she needs 100% attention on her and if anyone else is in need of help she refuses and calls them attention seekers, her own mother fell in the garden and had to get a neighbour to help pick her up and my mum moaned about how she was being needy! Loads and loads have gone on but the most recent blow is I was living with her, I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago when I told her I genuinely thought she would be happy about it and it would bring us closer, lol! Nope! She told me “I’m not angry happy or sad I just don’t care” thst was painful then she told me she was moving away and I had a week to get out so now I’m homeless on a friends couch my mum completely turned her back on me. She’s done this to me a number of times but it doesn’t get easier! I’ve never ever felt more alone and depressed

          • fiona

            Hi there.. I felt very sad for you when i read what happened to you, that is why i wanted to write back. I’ve gone through similar things in my life, which i won’t go into.. but I want to share something with you that I hope will encourage you. Now that you KNOW what your mother is like you are in a better position to understand her, forgive her ( which is important for you) and start to look and really find love fro people who are more generous and less selfish. Im not really thinking of a new partner.. but more thinking of real friends who have hearts and compassion- and many of whom probably need love and support themselves. Discoveries of people’s weakness and of any kind i an opportunity for you to grow and learn how to really give and receive love- something your mother was not fully able to do. Please do forgie her but also DO seek love and life elsewhere. My church has helped me so much with finding friendship- although many fo them ar far from perfect- but at least they try and that counts for a lot for me! God loves you – and I believe despite her awful ability to show it- I believe your mom does care.. but move on, find real friends, real love- and most important. learn to GIVE love and show others you care. We run a drop in centre for rejected folks and I can honestly say that when we really give to others we get tied into them and they receive so much it really DOES give us joy and happiness – and then they love us back. Start by helping others who you know hurt like you do. Ask God to help you to forgive and ask Him to lead you to people who both need love and can give love. Remain open and thankful. You sound like you have a sensitive and good heart… please don’t give up but seek the real meaning of life.. to love and trust and help others. The bible is so true when it says that it is more blessed to give than recieve… God bless, in tuth there are man who feel like you and you are not alone 🙂 xxx

          • brittany

            Hang in there girl I know it can be hard dealing with a parent like that. I too am pregnant (three weeks away from the due date). My mother was abusive but when i left home i thought we could have a better, albeit, distant relationship. I told her I was pregnant and the first words out of her mouth was “thank god for abortions”. I have a stable job, a loving partner and a decent living. I was never going to get an abortion, so her words stunned me. Up until my 6th month she sent me links to facilities that would abort the baby or links to “herbs” that would cause it to abort (supposedly). Now that it has become clear I intend to keep the baby (which was always the plan for me) she wants to see it every day and live with us for a month after it is born and keep it on the weekends and for the whole summer. I straight up told her no. I would not allow it. I have been abused by her my whole life (my own brother was once beaten so badly by her that her sister had to come get him and take him away). You find your people, people who love and support you (they are out there) and you listen to them. Anyone that is denigrating you or the effort you put into your life is an asshole.

        • Ruby

          You hang in there! My mom and I had a very bad relationship up until I was 15. We’ve gotten very close and are great friends now. We both went to counseling when a tragic life moment happened to me. I was on this website reading, bc my sister has a horrible relationship with my mother and shes 32 now and I am 24. I don’t know what to do because their relationship is toxic. I just want you to know, nothing you do is your fault and remember to always love yourself and continue to be strong. Don’t let anyone (not even your mom) affect your life. Remember how strong you are and all the support you have and where life has taken you now!

        • Cathy

          I had to learn about Boundaries with a counselor on my own and set them up in a way that I would say this was unacceptable behavior and cut off ties with her until she had time to think over her actions. Now we do not talk to each other for days and days and then when I feel good and strong I will show up unannounced, and walk out as soon as I am getting irked. She is 80 and my father is really sick and lives at home with her.

          Unfortunately, I sometimes feels she is simply evil. Mental. Unable to love. Yet her mother, my grandmother: was quiet, calm, affectionate and my first four years of life were better because of her caregiving.

          Apparently every time I defended myself against her abuses by yelling back at her and running into my room with a nice loud door slam… she would tell all my relations I had hit her. Only, because she used metaphors I never realized that she meant it literally until she was in her 80s and called the cops on me under false accusations. Our native tongue is colourful and we can say stuff “she pounced on me” as meaning physically while making it sound, like it was verbally pouncing upon someone. This woman aka simply hates her daughter, she hates her own life and she watches a lot of TV, absorbs the plots and acts them out in real life as if she is one of the charectars, usually the victim or at times the psycho. One time when I was 4 she told me that if my dad divorces her that I will end up with a step mother who is going to stick pills up my nose and suffocate me. LOL. I developed a sense of humour thanks to her. I also developed a fear of people and have deep trust issues. I feel for you and hope that if you still have not figured it out, as it has been a year that you have posted, that the best and most difficult course of action is to cut off ties. It will get worse and harder when she is 80s because …frankly, I believe only the good die young. I am frankly considering having my home blessed as soon as she kicks because she is the kind of evil spirit who would try to destroy me one way or the other. I went to a medium for my birthday this year, and asked for a past life reading and without giving this woman any detail about me she said that I had been sold as a sex slave as a child by my mother in a past life and that she is still in my life now. The weirdest thing and I do not know if I can believe this…a TV show was on at her house that had some kind of Jerry Springer theme in it whereby a woman had been arrested for selling her 4 year old to pay a debt off. My mother (and this is a few months before my bitthday) rang out with glee, “oh, she was mentally ill, so she has to be forgiven for selling her daughter!” as if somehow, somewhere, I kind of think that the best way to handle her is to forgive her and walk out of her life for ever.

        • Anonymous

          Yes even in this era daughters are been ruled to do as they say no matter what sons do, it’s only with me just coz I had committed to someone just coz I wanted to live a life which I wished for, is it that parents are here to make u do what they wish for, can’t we have our own wishes to which we can be committed, why why me?? Do anyone have any answer for this

        • Beverley gibson

          i am 56 liveing with mum treats me like dog after careing for her parnter 21 years what do i do

      • Kathy

        Sounds like you and your father are both being controlled by your mother I feel sorry for you and your dad.

        • Beverley gibson

          my mums parnter passed away 9 years ago i from sepis i take the blam what do i do next

      • Anonymous

        I can’t believe this day is here that I actually looked into this, no worries if I can open up and tell u about my wounds. I’m 35 and my dad went to heaven when I was 12. I never ever had any parents. I don’t know what it’s like, and when I do c my birth mother, I’m a whore bitch wish I was dead, I was never born! Talks shit about my dad. Im exactly like him.theres so much more. I want to share my life story to the world. I’m so strong that I want to help people in situations. One thing I’m blessed with was I was never insecure, it kills her in and out to c my self confidence. She wishes nothing but evil upon me and tries to preach about Jesus. She even compares my commitment to Christ with hers?for every tear I have she’d my god is going to give me twice the ? smile! I believe for he has been my only strength

      • Sadie

        Right now I’m 15 and livewith my mom. I came home from the softball game you are perfectly fine my stepdad was telling a story in the kitchen when we were listening I said you have a problem to my stepdad jokingly about the story but Mom thought I was talking to her on snap my ar. I came home from softball game we were perfectly fine my stepdad was telling a story in the kitchen when we were listening I said you have a problem to my stepdad jokingly about the story but Mom thought I was talking to her and slap my arm and said yes I have a problem with you I said I wasn’t taking to you and my step dad just sat there with no care In the world. So I went up in my room then she comes up and said I am the way I am bc of you and my older sis who is 25 had the same problem growing up it’s so confusing because I have such a great family and she can be nice to anybody and she can be nice to me she can watch my games and anything but when something since you’re off on the blame

      • Michelle

        Your life sounds the same as my life. Last year I was having a conversation with my mother and we were randomly talking about different things that have passed in our lives. I made a comment to her about a house I used to live in 14 years ago and how my daddy and my brother Kenny helped me fix it up and she got irate and started telling me that it was my brother Pat that did all the work with my dad. I made the mistake and said to her that my brother Pat She kept insisting to me that it was Pat not Kenny that did all the work.. I really couldn’t recall who did what 14 years ago and that Pat has never done anything to help me until lately and that I was appreciative of everything he has been doing to help me. Well she took it upon herself to call him just to tell him what I said and he and I got into it big time because of her. To this day my brother and I have rarely spoke a word to each other because of her. she called him and told him the part of the conversation she wanted him to hear but left out the part about how appreciative I was lately for everything he has been doing. He didn’t care after I told him about the whole conversation I had with our mother. She has been doing this to me all of my life, all of our lives. She has to be the center of attention, if she isn’t she will cause a big scene. She has attempted suicide 5 times and this last one was the worst. She almost didn’t make it. Now when things aren’t going her way she tells us that if she does it again this time she wont be coming back. Its a ploy to her to get the attention that she’s lacking in her life. Ever since I was a child all I can remember was being verbally, mentally and physically abused by her. If I didn’t abide by her rules and do what I was told I was beat, had my hair pulled ’til the roots popped, my head beat up against a wall, constantly getting my face slapped and if that wasn’t enough, she threaten me with my daddy if I chose to fight back. That went on ’til I turned 19 years old when I got pregnant for my son. Boy that was a doozy. I can remember going on vacation with my family and I stayed tired all the time, my mother took it upon herself to tell my daddy she thought I might be pregnant and on the way home I was dropped off on side the road. Didn’t come back for me ’til hours later and got beat and had a tongue lashing ’til we arrived at home. Oh I could go on forever, I am 50 years old now and my mother still tries to control my life and when I try to put a stop to it she makes my life a living hell. She’s not happy unless she’s making someone miserable. I deserve some peace in my life and I don’t know how to get it without cutting her out of my life. Yes she has narcissistic tendencies as well as being a hypochondriac.

      • Nikkia Thompson

        This is my mom so typical of her and how her thoughts process is. I am truly sorry u went thru such a foul, fucked up moment in your life. I am reading ur story and it’s like reading a story from my life.. I hope things are better now. Sending u good positive vibes your way..

      • Julie

        I have a very rocky relationship with my mother have for the past 11 years. My brother lives with her smokes weed away from house but stinks it out when comes back in, we’ve had endless arguments about this I don’t want him around my kids while doing drugs. My mother watches my kids while I’m at work. Everything I say about it blows into an argument she takes his side all the time. I’ve had enough I’m considering cutting ties with them both and leaving them to it.


      My mom and I just don’t get along with each other at all and her attitude has just gotten worse and worse towards me since my grandma passed away 4 months ago. And I am sick and tired of my mother telling me what to do all the time and always having something to say about everything that I do and she is 75 years old and acting this way! And she says that I hate her everything like that and I always did since I got grown and God knows I hate going to church and I am on the verge of not even serving God anymore so all I just want to do is leave him! In matter of fact I just wanna leave Virginia period and go back to New York. My family 3522% sucks!


        I have a terrible relationship with my sister and she attacked me 5 months ago when my grandma died and lied and said that i bit her and she was gonna have me arrested but instead I was put in the psych hospital.

        • DeniseGreen3522

          It has just been nothing but stress and he’ll for me. I am not even in church most of the time and sick as ever now with asthma and depression and everything even down to fertility issues. I am even beginning to void people too! I have no friends here in Suffolk Virginia either. I hate it here anyway. I am just on the verge of not even attending school.

          • DeniseGreen

            I am still going through things with my mother and she is always complaining about that she doesn’t want me in her room and I have company too. And then I get accused of arguing and then she followed me to the room after I had the door closed I said I’m not talking to her anymore and she left. I have no time for that and I’m married too.

      • Anonymous

        Sweet girl I wanted to die after my daddy passed 12/7/15. Mom went crazy mean after daddy passed accused me of hurting my daddy and stealing form her. God is not hurting you, your mother is. I just lost my daddy And mom freaked on us. Mom is writing scripture and talking Jesus to us how dare we abandone her. She called the police on me stating i stole from her house after coming and taking care of my daddy for 44 days at his bedside and caring for mom. She reported a missing coffee pot, key board, movies, oranges off her tree, missing carpet cleaner, weed can gotta laugh they are very well off I could have robbed them blind. You are independent from your mom she raised you but she has unresolved mental health issues that you can’t begin to understand. Don’t try too fix her, protect your self, I wanted to just die! The little go in me wa rejected again. But through counceling realize my mom is not nor has ever been normal. You are normal you see the caous , confusion, dissection she causes. I attended a grief class at a church and found Gods love and caring protection from my Mother’s constant attacks of I am no good. We are to love our mothers the world teaches but God has picture of motherly love that her children will
        Call her blessed. But your mother is under sin curse and needs prayer. I told my mom to stop contacting me or I will file a reatraining order she crossed the line and you and I have to protect ourselfs. Seek godly counsel you will never look back on the pain your mother has caused.

        • DeniseGreen

          My sister always hugs and smooches all over my mother and not me. I feel that as if I am not even lovable and it just sucks! What my mom needs to do is just put a stop to this and just back away from my sister and she won’t hug or kiss her! Why don’t she just do that junk to her boyfriend and not my mother. My sister just does that because she knows it gets on my nerves.

    • Amy

      Hi Amy, my name is also Amy. My mother also ALWAYS put me down and never think I am good enough. Unlike you, I have three older brothers. My second and third brothers are her favorite. She always tells everyone that me and my oldest brother are nothing like her but my second and third brothers are exactly like her. My mother has a lot of friends. May be because she’s incredibly beautiful. To me she should have no friends. She had horrible parents and I partly forgive her because of that. But deep inside, I despise her. She’s a very ignorant woman who has caused a lot of suffering in all her children’s lives. She abandoned all of us when I was twelve. My life took a shape down turn. I struggled for the next twenty years. Now I have a degree in economics, MBA in finance, and got my CPA license. I have a super wonderful job with an incredible future. But my mother still thinks I am not good enough. Nothing I do is competent in her eyes. I will alwasys be stupid and easily fooled to her. She lies to me all the time, say bad things about me to everyone. She’s never supportive to me. But she did help me pay for the down payment of my house. And that’s why I took her in to live with me now to pay back for her help. She gave all my brothers the same amount of money or may be more but none of them wants to live with her. I took her in becus I am that kind of person. I cannot let my family members be lonely or helpless. I AM unlike her; she’s cold blooded. She’s ignorant. She doesnt love. She doesnt understand how deeply she has hurt me. Because she had a very sad and horrific childhood and even worser parents than mine, I forgive her. Compare to her parents, she’s kind of like an angel I guess.

      • Kathy

        Just be so very thankful that you are a caring and loving and kind hearted person that your nothing at all like your mother? Your mother sounds like mine but I have come to realize that it all comes from there up bringing You can be very proud of your self and get your support from other people you may have to find a place to put your mom if it gets to be to much on you

      • Heather Harper

        I’m reading this and I relate to an extent. I don’t talk to my mom and I plan to go no contact because she has enabled some of my bad behaviors while at the same time criticizing my choices. I am adult and live largely independently and I think the only true way to real independence is to move far away from her. I question if she is narcissistic, codependent, or more mildly toxic, but I am just waiting to move and get on with my life.

        My mom tells she loves me and that she is proud of me, though she says I am a procrastinator, a conniver. I also live paycheck to paycheck, working in a blue-collar environment. I have ambitions for something better, it’s just, I end of making myself feel guilty and trap myself because my mom came from a rougher background. At this point, I just get tired of it. I am well aware of my flaws and prefer being around people who show a little more understanding and empathy, while my own mom gets upset at me for struggling, though she struggles at times too. She also gets upset with me for not sharing things; Hello-I am adult, I don’t have share anything with her and she does not seem to understand that she is part of the problem.

        There’s is a part of me that wants a relationship with her but I know I will never measure up to her dreams and expectations and it actually makes me sad.

        Sorry for the long rant, just needed to get this off my chest.

    • anisa bibi

      hi well my mum is the worst every morning hate waking up all I do is clean and run after my mum is got married and was with him for a few months but my mum said bad stuff about him I listened to her but I think it was a mistake listening to heritage came back hm and she was glad from the start. she never let me work or meet up with my friends she made me stay home to help her clean the house everyday have no1 my mum made everyone else do what ever they like but not me when I clean up she annoys me she never let’s me live in piece have no choice have nowhere to go or talk to

    • Denise Green

      I am having the worsted the of problems with my mother and her behavior is horrible. And she is in the process of looking for work. And she just straight up ignores me as well too and like to say that she cares about me having autism. She had me when she was 40 years old. She is 76 and I just turned 36 years old. AND she wants things to work out, it has gotten so bad that I just let my appearance completely go downhill and I am still beating myself up and I was crying no soon as I came home from school. I am in the older high school class. I am ebonics also.

    • anon

      i have the worst relationship with my mom imaginable.

      i am not allowed to talk to boys. IM NOT KIDDING.
      my mom broke my phone, if she sees me touching one i get hit.
      im typing this down hiding from her
      my dad hates me because my mom lied to him about me
      im suicidal, and its so embarrassing to say that too anyone so i think i will have to end it because my mom is never letting me move out for sure.
      im 15, and I feel the need to end it
      my brother said to me, “I hate you, Mom hates you, Leave so we can just be happy for once” and when i asked him who told him that because he IS ONLY 5 YEARS OLD TELLING ME THIS, he says “mom told me. I’m the favorite, not you.”
      I’m sorry

      • Sarah Von Bargen

        Hi anon,

        I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. This might help:

      • Zennia

        Please contact me . If you want too . Im 15 and am living a super similar life to yours . Maybe we can talk and share stories and advice so you know you’re not alone . I just feel the need to reach out because I’m also suicidal tried to commit suicide last year a big factor dealing with my home life.

    • Nicole Kolin

      Me and my mom go through same thing and I trying to listen to her but we always yells at me and fight about stupid suff and she gets mad over stupid suff I know sometimes I lie about stupid suff I wish I can get her to understand me what would make her happy

      • Khloe

        I’m 15 and I feel the same way!! I just want my mom to be proud of me but lately it’s seems like she doesn’t even care anymore I don’t know what to do because we used to be so close. I used to be able to tell her EVERYTHING!! good, bad and otherwise we used to be besties but now it’s just like she’s given up a couple days ago she said I’ve given up on you I’ve moved on to your brother like I’m just some screw up

    • Anonymous

      My mom lost her job, steals my money, likes her boyfriend more than me, is an alcohol, but she still wants me around her at all times and prevents me from living my own life.

      • Anonymo

        You know you can contact people around you like a police officer get online help etc. My mom beats me over anything and everything.

    • paradise

      i know im only 14, but i hate living with my step mom. no, its not because she isn’t buying me the latest IPhone or the trendy clothes but the fact that shes abusive. ive been living with her and my father for about 4 years now. the first 2 years was great but then middle school came and thats when it went sour. I got a boyfriend and she would choose him over me. they are bot bipolar and get along so well but when it comes to me im nothing. im never doing anything right. im a hoe. im a bitch. im going to be a slut like my mother. I treat my (abusive) boyfriend like shit. Am i wrong to feel worthless? because between her and my boyfriend im always getting abused, both physical and verbally. One time i was argueing with my boyfriend and she grabbed my arm and pulled me to the room. she then cornered me yelling in my face. she then grabbed me by my hair and started pulling on it making my head and body turn because she was being very aggresive. i then started crying on the floor thinking if i should get up and walk out the house and just cool off about what happened. she then hoverd over my body and called me ” a worthless piece of shit”. My depression is very bad since ive started getting abused. I dont talk to anyone because i have no one. she minipulates everyone with her kindness but shes not like that behind closed doors. i cry almost everyday in the bathroom cutting my arms because its the only thing helps numb my pain away. ive had suicidal thoughts when i started getting abused by both boyfriend and step mom. everybody always say “omg ur so lucky to have a mom like yours” (meaning step mom) and in my head im like, am i really tho?. i cant belive for almost 3 years ive been dealing with abuse. I go see my mom once a month and she will always see my breakdowns before going back home. she wishes she never lost custody of me because she always tells me its different seeing my room empty and not hearing my laugh or not seeing my smile. she tells me all the time that i can call her for anything but i cant because my stepmom controlls my life. I wish i could go live with my mom because im tired of being abused but i dont want to abandon my father. i just dont know what to do anymore.

    • Mika

      I am in the same boat. My mother is exactly like this. This was helpful, thank you.

  2. Anonymous

    Your story reads almost exactly like the relationship that my mom and grandmom had, but my grandmom was also an active alcoholic until the time i was a toddler. that may be the only battle my mom won with her until she walked out of my grandmom's life when i was in 8th grade.

    on the surface, my grandmom was the sweetest, smartest, most interesting lady you could know. my friends and boyfriends loved her; they could discuss art, politics, writing, and even fashion and style with her well into her old age. to me, she was loving and devoted and rarely borderline/histrionic. but, my mom grew up with a different woman.

    i remember them fighting, the expectations that my mom had to meet, the misery that could explode any second when my grandmom came over for a visit, etc. my mom did everything she could for my grandmom and it was never enough. eventually, she had to leave. it was one of the hardest and easiest things i think she's ever done.

    it isn't always easy to stand up for yourself in this way, but it will make living your life the way YOU want to live it easier in the long-term.

  3. Amy

    blm – I think the best thing you can do is lend an open ear and arms to anything she needs to talk about, ever. Let her know that it isn't anything that she has done wrong. She'll eventually figure out for herself who her mother really is; so I think just being there, and being patient, is best for her. Be the positive in her life.

    anonymous – what you said about your mother, "it was one of the hardest and the easiest things I think she has ever done." couldn't be more spot on! It's not simple to explain how something can be so easy, yet so difficult. Good for her for standing up!

    • Anonymous

      My mother is constantly calling me by my sister’s name. I am the oldest of three children. We are 34, 16, and 13. My mom is constantly calling me by my sister’s name, the youngest. When I correct her, she gets pissed off and dismisses me with a “whatever”. She doesn’t even acknowledge it. This has been going on for years, and it drives me crazy. I haven’t heard her call me by my name in a long time. It is like she forgot. I would assume this means that my sister is the favorite, and that is absolutely fine. I would merely like to know why she is having a hard time to know the name of the child that has been around MUCH longer than all of her kids. And why does she get pissed when I say my name? She has always been a manipulative liar. She has called me fat, yet swears that she never did. When I lost weight because of her verbal absuse, she asked for all my “old” clothing. What is she doing? Why is she acting this way? I have often felt my mother has resentment towards me because of the fact that my bio-dad was physically abusive. My siblings have another father. I feel that in some way she blames me for being abused and missing her younger years. She married at 17 and had me at 19. I suppose I was a mistake that changed her life forever and for that reason, I must be out to the test with her abuse.

      • Anonymous

        Could it be the beginning of alzheimers? Maybe she is not mad but frustrated with herself. Maybe it isn’t really something about you?

  4. Jessica

    This type of events are really difficult to deal with, if nothing else for the simple assumption that we are supposed to get along with relatives (esp parents) despite what happens. It's a stigma associated with not getting along, not to mention that one might not even have any positive feelings towards them at all.

    I have a good relationship with my mother. For a time it was quite strained due to events in my own life that she really didn't know how to cope with, and her meddling husband (my stepfather). I ended up consoling her. I have another family relationship that has gone from disastrous to non-existant. I can't say that I miss any of it either. Not the good and certainly not the bad.

    there's plenty of mental illness in my family (to the degree that it's more probable that you turn out mentally ill than get cancer or any other illness that run in some families), and it helps to have that in mind when relatives freak out. I'd recommend reading some about mental illness and develop an understanding for the processes that it fuels within a family. Enabling is very common, if for nothing else to keep some semblance of normalcy.

    If it just doesn't work and it leaves one feeling messed up whenever you've had some kind of interaction, consider not having any contact at all.

    • Anonymous

      Hi. mother was recently hospitalized few months ago which was 17years later since last episode. She’s 57 and came out of hospital 6 weeks like a walking zombie. Already had severe knee problems on disability and whole thing was traumatizing to me and her. No telling what she was doing on her manic high then on her crash she was in so much pain and severely doped up and bruised by other patients and workers. Had to take a family leave to take care of her she goes to her appointments she will be so straightforward and up front to the psychiatrist like nothing is wrong at all. Then go home and get mad at the smallest things. Especially since picking up smoking again. I’m just very concerned and I don’t want to ever leave her I will always be there for her. I’m just looking for help on what to do and what medicines may help this problem. She is way better physically can do things on her own but when she doesn’t get her way or if you tell her something she may not want to hear. Will instantly get mad and upset and like it’s the end of the world. Just rambles on about fantasy type things ,boyfriends from the past etc… She was talking this way 24/7 upon release but then I notice it go away weeks later and slowly coming back. I’m getting no help from doctors or psychiatrist and I don’t want her to get hospitalized again because came out with giant bruises on her and drained her benefits. Its a hurricane of emotions that can affect everyone around you ….but not giving up on her. She always took care of me and I will always do the same for her…Any advice?

      • Anonymous

        Oh,you poor thing,you don’t even know that you have been in a abusive manipulative situation your whole life.Do yourself a favor and run dont walk from your mother.If you stay you will no doubt turn like her.Go,look in the mirror can you see her,and have you started thinking like her.Those are signs of your transitioning.Sorry,thats my advice to you,because its too late for her,but not for you.Be happy,you deserve it.

        • Anonymous

          Do the christian thing, if she needs you be there for he.

          • Christina

            I hate it when people say this, I am a minister and when you say this you overlook all the hell that this daughter may be going through. I have a very similar relationship with my mother. It is not love to allow her to remain in this way. The bible says to confront in truth and in love. My mother does all this and more. I am 43 and I have delt with this since I was 13y

        • Dona A Flynn

          wow this sound like my mother in law,, help me,, she messing up our lifes so so bad

      • Anarbol Pena

        I’m sorry to here what you and your mom are going through. I do not know how spiritual you are but I would recommend that you fined God and the love that he and his son Jesus Christ gave to use. Regardless of what the other people are saying on this site you are doing a great job of honoring your father and mother. God can guide you through this and with faith heal your mom. Most people are quick to judge not knowing what the other person has been though, forgive them, not just for them but for you. This is the only way to start the healing process. You will never get over your past if you don’t forgive. This is for all of you, people do the best they can with what they where shown in life. We cannot blame them. God bless all of you and my he show you peace and love in your life.

        • mel


          I know we love and respect our parents. But I have been caught in this emotional battle with myself over my relationship with my mom. I love her, but she is so very quick to anger. Over 50% of the time she goes from happy to screaming and yelling at me and my father for things like washing socks wrong, or not doing something exactly how she would. As soon as something is said she disagrees with she attacks to the point I watched her make my father cry. It is hard to make my father cry. She loves to play the blame game on everything. She attacks me personally with remarks about how horrible my in laws are or even makes personal attacks at my husband. If I retaliate at all it gets worse and scary. She uses guilt trips after she’s done arguing that actually work on me. She always uses this line: “after all shes done for me as a parent the least i can do is……” I start to feel extremely guilty. My dad asked me one day to promise him I would have her live with me and never put her in a home if something happens to him. I instantly felt scared, extremely guilty and like I had to say yes even though I know how bad our living conditions would be. I know she would hurt my marriage and that it would emotionally tear me apart if I ever lived with her. I keep praying and praying about what to do if that time came. I am a christian, I know to respect my parents and honor them. But would God want me to live with my mother even if she would hurt me and keep me living in an emotional state of constant fear, stress and hurt? I am so conflicted that even now while I’m no where near this happening, I keep crying and feeling afraid.

          • Jane

            Mel, I understand exactly how you feel as I’ve been through the same with my mom. It’s very exhausting having to deal with a toxic mom like that. My mom does all the same things yours does and I know how draining it can be. But trust me hon, it’s not your job nor will it ever be to have to care for your mom like that. They can’t put that kind of responsibility on your shoulders . What your dad is doing is called codependant parenting. Don’t feel guilty over any of it either dear, as it’s not your fault. Coming from a Christian background myself I know it’s hard not to feel at least a little guilt, but God knows your troubles and praying will help you thought. God bless you

    • Anonymous

      RUBEN jimeuez46

  5. Stacy

    Thank you so much for sharing your story, Amy. I have a friend with a very similar tale and I'm sending this to her in the hopes that she feels less alone in her circumstances. Good for you for not letting her drag you into her problems, hard as it may be.

  6. Anonymous

    Thank you for speaking publicly about this experience–one that I share. You touch on the idea that others tend to judge us for choosing to care for ourselves rather than for a damaged parent. I find that I simply don't talk about my relationship with my mother. In some ways, this is a good thing–no need to harp on it-but on the other, I find it difficult to open up to new friends and tend to dread the topic of parents coming up. How do you deal with this kinds of issues? Thanks again for your post–

    • Anonymous

      Thats a good idea to simply not talk about it with others caues they wouldnt understand. my question for everyone is this " do you feel like you got out of it unscathed? or do you work harder to take what you grew up with and revolt and strongly go against that and work harder to rid yourself of what might be characteristics in your mother that were passed down onto you? I didnt see any comments on this. am I just not as strong as you all where you were able to be healthy individuals and have no issues of pass me down characteristics? One thing my mother does, out of so many ills, is criticize harshly and i didnt realize i was doing it, not to the extent she does it but sometimes I do critisize and my marriage suffered from me constantly worried about me becoming my mother. I read that someone had self esteem issues but anything else? thank you in advance.

  7. Domestic Kate

    This story reminded me a lot of my ex-husband's mother. Sadly, she took her own life a few years ago, which was the last step of many toward making everyone in her life unable to communicate with her, love her, or love themselves. When she was still alive, I believe her children felt obligated to deal with her mental illness even when she didn't. They felt that they owed her something, but she didn't feel that way about her children. It was hard for me to watch as an outsider. No one has to put up with that. We all deserve to be emotionally healthy, and the best thing we can do for others is to encourage them to seek help. When a relationship is toxic, it has to go, even if it's a family member.

  8. impybat

    "You do not need to listen to anyone who emotionally abuses you." AMEN. I finally cut my passive-aggressive, manipulative, emotionally abusive sister out of my life about a year ago and never looked back. I wish you and your boyfriend all the happiness in the world.

  9. Anonymous

    Thank you so much for posting this. It sounds so similar to my situation with my mother its not funny. I moved in with my father when I was a teenager and things went downhill from there. I have vivid recollection of a phone call between us telling me that our relationship problems are entirely my fault and ended with me on the floor of a friends apartment in tears.

    Years later or relationship is a little better in some ways and worse in others, it doesn't help that her and the rest of my family hate my husband.

    I still struggle with the insecurity, and I've developed a problem with apologizing for everything even when I haven't done anything wrong because I feel like I'm screwing everything up even when I don't realise it, I've done something wrong to someone.

    • Anonymous

      Thank you for sharing your feelings about being constantly the one to blame for everything, that has been my reality for a while now.

      I am in a similar situation where my mother believes us to have had a "strong relationship" before I moved out and started dating my current boyfriend. She has only met him twice in our multiple year relationship and despises our relationship. She says that I have changed and I'm "not the person I used to be…." but she has not even tried to learn about my life ever since I moved out. I have changed since I graduated college, but I would say I have changed in a positive way. I become an adult just trying to enjoy my life. How can she dismiss my currenct happiness in my relationship so easily because I am not following in the path she thinks is the best for me?

      Through the constant emotional texts, phone calls, times I spent at my parents house, I constantly believed it was my fault that my mom was so unhappy and felt so frustrated. But after reading about the subject of toxic mother daughter relationships, I am being provided support, information and some understanding. I now am starting to understand I can't blame myself and it's not about being right or wrong anymore its about getting my mom some help and my family some clarity. Because this has been our norm since I can remember.

      Thanks again for helping me to share part of my story. It helps so much

      • Anonymous

        My mom said exactly the same thing – I wasn’t the ‘same’ when I moved in with my boyfriend. Same as what, exactly? My entire life she was there to smother, control, dictate everything. I couldn’t even pick a pair of socks out for myself, I surely couldn’t have my own personality, that would not be to her liking. I was never able to answer for myself, etc. My boyfriend at 18 said the same thing my husband said at 30 – dump that crazy woman and don’t look back! I have my own family, and I stay far away (literally) from my parents and siblings. I finally cut off my psycho sister this past winter, and have been going severe low-contact with everyone else. I don’t keep any family members phone numbers, I don’t text anyone unless they text me, and I NEVER call anyone. My sister calls me horrific names, my mom tries to guilt trip me constantly, my dad belittles everything my husband and I have ever done, and the only time I hear from my brother is so he can run back to mom and gossip. Cutting them off as much as I have, I have felt better than I have ever. Stress is down, no nail biting, no self hatred, no acting out from frustration (like getting mad and chopping off my hair). It’s great! My saving grace – I want my kids NOWHERE near those people. Ever. Thankfully my kids have no interest in my family. My husband’s family is here and helpful and nice. It’s been a blessing.

    • Anonymous

      I am glad to have found this website and article..I am only now starting to realize the extent to which the relationship with my mother has been unhealthy all these years. I left home at 18 and spent the following 17 years abroad, visiting her infrequently, but about once a year for the past 6-7 years. Since my dad died, she has been alone and miserable. She wants me to either move back home or arrange for her to come to live with me, and I simply don't know what to do, as every time we meet we spend 3 days in peace and then the fighting begins.. She is always right, everything I go is wrong, the way I live my life is wrong, then she starts accusing me of leaving her alone during all these years. When I am abroad if I call her on Skype and am late just by a minute she gets pissed off and starts telling me how I am a bad daughter and I don't respect her. If I tell her about something I've done and it wasn't perfect or there was a mistake, she would always say it was my fault, that i should have tried harder. Other girls are nicer, more feminine, and I am unfriendly, and need to start 'being nicer to people' even thought it's completely untrue. Recently I went on a vacation with my boyfriend and sent her pictures afterwards . She had an absolute melt-down, she said that I've found a replacement for her, that I never wanted to live with her and that she's wasted all these years hoping that we'll be living together and now that she is older she no longer has the same options. She is severely depressed and i don't know what to do, but i don't want her in the same house permanently as I won't have a single moment of peace if she is around. I simply don't want to add an additional level of stress to my life right now. She is perfectly capable of taking care of herself, doesn't have any mobility issues or serious illnesses, yet has convinced herself that something bad is about to happen to her. She has alienated all her friends, and doesn't have any other family around, so truly i have no idea what do.. i am at the end of my tether. Sorry for venting, but it helps to just get this off my chest, as there is absolutely nobody i can speak to about this. Nobody will understand, as she appears to be a completely different person to others

      • Anonymous

        Hi,sorry just saw this page.Hope am not too late to tell you Don’t have your mother live with you,and if you did,not too late to have her move.I totally understand.You are not your mothers keeper,she made her life,its your turn.Mothers like her toxic will never change.Keep your sanity and any relationship you have ,be happy keep her away,she’ll only be destructive to you.Make your life worth living.

    • Haley

      My mom is abusive she’s manipulative ands she’s controlling and she’s toxic I always got along with my mom when I was a child till I turned 14 that’s when or relationship went bad I’m 15 now when I turned 14 my mom and siblings started packing because we’re moving to a new state which I was really excited about my first few weeks and then new state was fun until… she started going through things and she started taking it out on me like hitting me if I do something wrong telling me that I’m stupid lazy then she started dating her boyfriend and he goes to work and when he come back she’s so nice to me she listens to things I say then when he leaves she tells me what to dress and I ask her not to post certain pictures of me she still does it she goes through my room through all of my stuff when she finds stuff she Does not like she’ll yell at me call me names tells me I need help in then keep on until I cry because I’m very sensitive after going through this I started to become antisocial and when my mom looks at me I feel like I want to throw up or I feel that I have something in my chest she’s scares me I wished to become a model or actress but my mom only cares about what she thinks is best for me and she does not let me say no to her when she wake up and her boyfriend gone she unlocks my door and finds a excuse to wake me up then look for something to keep me up or house is clean like super clean so she says wipe the walls and i do it then she one time ask me to live with my dad and this state isn’t for me she says she will beat me and make me wanna runaway I’m going to be grown in a few years and when I say why can’t I stay home because your a child I’m a adult I hate her calling me that she refers to me as a kid and then she dresses me clothes that’s 1986 people wear I don’t mind it but I want my own style I like wearing clothes with no stars or hearts on it like clothes that are basic black shirts some jeans and vans she tells me I look a mess and then she nags at me embarrass me insides stores make me cry all day tells me what to do whenever she wants I’f i don’t do it she’ll hit me yell take my phone tell me I’m stupid hit me and when someone around she plays nice mom and mom knows best and give people advice she does not have many friends because she calls them fake because they like makeup or if they speak their mind I wish I wasn’t born with this life I wish I can chose my family I tell myself everyday should I kill my self but I want to explore life I have a little sister I can’t hurt her she loves me my dad is not really and my life he live in the other state in I’m his only daughter and he loves the heck out of me just not my mom. And I can’t live with my dad I never tried I just want to get heck away from my mom before ending also if she makes me mad and we’re about to go somewhere I say I don’t want to go she says okay then she’ll tell my little sister super loud in say we’re gonna get pizza or whatever restaurant you like to get my attention I ignore her then she’ll tell me I have no choice but to go in then she complains I HATE MY LIFE SORRY IF THIS WAS LONG I just wanted a caring loving supportive mom thanks for reading my life…

  10. Anonymous

    My mum has borderline personality disorder and is everything you've described. I think the worst part for me has been that everyone in my family is in denial, so the problem will never be professionally addressed.

    I grew up thinking everything she did to me was normal and for 27 years I questioned what I'd done to deserve it.

    I'd be quite happy if my mum wanted to cut me off… I'm quite jealous that yours did. And I completely understand people's reactions to the relationship and their expectation that you work it out. Those people will *never understand*.

  11. Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing your story Amy.

    I was wondering how your relationship with your mother has influenced your thoughts on having your own children?

    • Strength

      Well, I have a child now and my mom showed up at my job yelling at me just because I forgot to put her name as a contact at my child’s school and said that I don’t let her see my kid enough… But I let her see my child one week ago. I think the crazy needs to stay away from my work desk at this point because it’s clear that I let them have a relationship. Now she’s not making any sense;therefore, I no longer agree that they should have a relationship if she’s going to have issues with my child’s mom (me). It was bad living with my mom’s issues growing up because she kept us away from having friends on purpose and she belittled us any chance she could. None of her relationships would last and we were to blame for her reason as being single. I’m happily married now and my husband supports me as a wife and mother. My husband tells me what a wonderful job I’m doing and told me that I shouldn’t listen to anything negative that my mother has to say any longer because we couldn’t hurt our daughter’s feelings the way that she’s hurt mine (I now know what it should be like to love a daughter now that I’m a mother).

  12. Anonymous

    Dude – are we twins? Because we seem to have the same mother!

    The most helpful resource for me was Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, a book by a psychologist who had a similar experience. It is all about getting your self esteem and life in order after growing up with some with personality disorder. It is amazing, and the website isn't bad either – jsut google DONM.

    Much love & healing
    Mia xx

    • dianne arthur

      god bless all you for putting up with my mother . that is a mother has evil malignant vampire narcissism and aspergus and dementia and even today she uses othe people to inflict enormous emotional pain on me. all my life of 67 years i have strived to get a small crumb of her maternal love ..she is 88 and can still dishout narcissistic rages like they are going out of fashion.i urge all of you to play roy orbison the actress on utube

  13. Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing this story, which is all too familiar. I made a difficult decision to sever ties with my mom nearly 6 years ago, and it was the right one. Peace.

  14. Tiffany

    This is such an important story to tell. My own family has its fair share of this sort of behavior and I've been so much happier since I stepped away from all of it. It took me a LONG time and a lot of hurtful situations to realize that you can't control other people's behavior but you can control your reaction to it.

  15. Kate

    I'm so glad this was on here! My mother is, in her own way, a toxic mom. I'm the oldest of four girls and when I turned fourteen, she pretty much gave up being a mother or a wife – she went back to work full time and it's been her first priority since then. If you ask her how long she's been a paramedic, she'll tell you 32 years, despite the fact that for 11 years she was a stay at home mother. Her family is lower on her priority list than her job – when she thought she might lose her job as the result of an injury, she lost 55 lbs and dramatically improved her health, but went back to her old ways as soon as she had her job back – she won't bother to improve her health or lose weight so she can be around for her family. My youngest sister is eleven years younger than I am and recently told me "You've been more of a mom to me than Mom has." My dad has told me that he's considering leaving my mom once my youngest sister goes to college. One of my sisters went to college a year early to escape her. My family lives in a toxic environment thanks to my mother, and while I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it's nice to know I'm not alone. I can't even tell my friends about her because she presents this front to the world of being a great, family-oriented, Christian woman – no one knows that her own family can barely stand her and she refuses to even acknowledge the fact.

    (sorry, didn't mean for that to go on like that – but this is the only sort of environment where I can express my feelings on the matter and know she won't see it)

    • Anonymous

      Hi kate, thanks for sharing. I totally understand what youre going through with your mother having multiple faces. My mom is the same way. When I finally cant take it anymore and though 32 talk back like a juvenile, people think i am a terrible daughter. But simple psychology shows that kids or adults that talk rudely to hteir parents, usually have sick parents that raised them to talk this way and mistreated them, but the general public doesnt know this. I also wish it upon no one, but happy i got to read your story.

  16. Amy

    It depends on who I'm talking with if I mention my issues with my mother or not. Most often I am open about my situation, I want people to know my story in the hopes that I can help someone else feel not so alone. There are times, though, when mentioning it just seems unnecessary and other times where I'll just simply mention that I do not speak to my mother and leave it at that.

    On the issue of myself becoming a mother, it's interesting that you should ask. I've tossed that idea around in my head a lot over the years. I've always wanted to be a mother, I most definitely have the motherly instinct. However, I've always wondered with my mother, her mother, and her mother's mother all being similar; "Could I ever be better than them as a mother?" Well, while I was considering these things I found out I was pregnant. I'm currently 4 months along and I no longer doubt my ability to be a wonderful mother. I think that from my experiences with my own mother, although many of them negative, I have learned how to be and how not to be a mother. Will I make mistakes? Absolutely. But will I do my best and do everything I can to give my baby a positive and happy life? You bet I will.

  17. Amy

    Kate – It's amazing how manipulative they can be to make people like them, isn't it? It's so sad and in all reality as much as I dislike my mother I feel so very sorry for her – and every other mother like her.

    We're all strong women given our backgrounds. I often remind myself that I am strong because my mother's behavior forced me to be. And for that, I am thankful.

    • Jeff Woods

      I seen my mom spit in her 95 year olds moms face. She has nothing to do with her sister , my dads mom , my dads side of the family now her side of family. My poor grandma had to go in a home. My aunt sells her moms home. My mom gets mad she isnt in charge of her money. How do is my aunt supposed to communicate with my crazy mom if my mom wont talk to her. All my life she tried to tell me who my friends are. I am 39 years old get treated like im 9. My mom defriended my wife on Facebook that did nothing to her. She never wanted me to get married. It was time. I lived at home under my moms rules till i was 33 years old. Yea… She lies and trys to control everybody. She wants you to be in dept and then tell you how to manage money. Keep in mind my poor dad beat cancer 5 years ago barley. She told him you got cancer get over it. She is the closest thing to Eval i have ever seen.

  18. Anonymous

    Thank god for stories like this. I've always been annoyed at how stigmatized these topics are, because it's crucial that there be open dialogue so that people in this scenario don't have to feel alone. My situation is a little different (psychopath/pedophile for a dad – he likes boys though and I'm a girl – and an emotionally stunted simpleton for a mother. Perfect "baby machine" for a pedophile!). Growing up with those two, and then a bitter divorce which led to me being taken (like property) by my father to Central America, wasn't a walk in the park, let me tell you. And I SO relate to everyone who says that on the outside their mom seemed so lovely and sweet and smart and charismatic. On the outside both my parents seem lovely. The truth is that it's a miracle my mom could hold a job even (forget mothering), and my dad is DANGEROUS and has quite literally destroyed lives. I think the operative takeaway here is never judge others. No matter what their families seem like, people make decisions for themselves out of self-preservation. Not all moms are awesome, and not all dads are great. But often the people who are products of such environments become the strongest survivors and we have a lot to learn from them! Thanks for sharing your story.

  19. blm


    Thanks for the tips on helping my stepdaughter cope with her bio-mom. I'm hoping that being with us full-time will give her a solid foundation to weather the storm that is their relationship during summers.

    Also, congratulations on your pregnancy! My grandmother was (and is) an incredibly toxic person, and my mother turned out the complete opposite. She is an amazing mother who has always, always been there for my siblings and I. I have faith that your experiences with your mother and other women in your family have prepared you to give your baby all the right kinds of love. 🙂


  20. Anonymous

    Hi Amy I just received this from my cousin. God bless you for sharing your story and letting me know that I'm not the only person who has this type of relationship with my mother. My mother was diagnosed with Bi-polar when I was ten. I've pretty much been raising her every since. My mom is very manipulative. As a teen I was always running away from home to get away from her. I spent many years in and out of juvenile just to not have to be in my home. Everyone thought I was an out of control teen but I really just couldn't stand to be at home. My mother would fly of the handle about anything. She'd start screaming, cussing, throwing things, and just right out attacking me. The police knew our first names by heart. When I got pregnant as a teen the situation got even worse. I had both my daughters before I turned 19. My mom used my kids as a way of manipulating me to pay all of her bills. She'd watch them for me to go to school but then I'd work two jobs to pay two rents and two electric bills. She'd tell me she had to have a car so I bought her one. She later totaled it driving around doped up on meds. She never takes her medicine the way she should and abuses it horribly. She takes almost 20 Tylenol PM at a time to try to knock herself out. Recently the situation has gotten more and more harder for me to deal with. I'm now married and she's constantly causing problems between me and my husband. I'm in church now and a youth leader. My mom constantly tells me the bible says to honor my mother every time she wants me to do something for her. Every time I try to get away and avoid her she tells me I'm not being very Christian like. My girls are now 11 and 9, they even try to avoid their Nana. They are always saying things like mom Nana is off her meds again will you talk to her. Even they are old enough to realize something just isn't right. I hope I have the strength this time to stay away from her. My mom had destroyed my life. She's had me arrested for things I haven't done. She's had loan companies calling me because my mom has told them I've lied about my collateral. I even lost my daughter to the state for 6 months because of lies she has told on me to get attention. At least I know now I'm not the only one THANK YOU!!!

  21. Amy

    You are not alone! Something my counselor told me earlier this year is that the bible tells us to honor our mother and father, but it doesn't say anything about us visiting them, calling them, or even liking them. Do what's feels right in your heart and that's what will make you most happy. Good luck to you and keep your head up, you're stronger than you think you are!

  22. Ginger Jane

    Best time ever to read this – and the comments. I'm in the process of dealing with some epic toxic stuff with my father and it's reassuring to know that I'm not alone. I can't wait to get the last of the legal rubbish sorted and then I can cut him off, finally.

  23. Anonymous

    Thanks for the post. I'm in the process of cutting my mother out for the second time in my life at age 34. I successfully did this at age 18 and lasted until I was 20 or so after hearing people tell me I should have a relationship with my mother and I would regret it later. Back in the relationship, I followed the advice of setting boundries when she tried to manipulate, guilt and start conflicts when she wasn't getting enough attention. I now have two children and find the constant boundry setting exhausting and despite my best efforts her behavior hurts me deeply. To be the best possible parent for my children, I need to cut her out completely. It's a really hard process and similarly to the first time people don't really understand if they find out you don't talk to your mother.

    • Anonymous

      How are you doing as a mother? do you find it hard to separate yourself completely from your mother in personality? i found even though my worst nightmare was becoming my mother, in my marriage, in many aspects she came out in me as i struggled with some difficulties and reverted to what i knew, which is what i was exposed to. do you have any of those issues?

  24. Anonymous

    Thank you so much for posting this! I have just recently gone through a hard time with my mom which has resulted in me cutting her off completely. As described above, my mom suffered from manic depression and showed characteristic signs of bipolar disorder. The situation that blew up and had me cutting her out was when she left my dad. She didn't have an explained reason and the next day had a new boyfriend ready to move into her new apartment with her. She didn't tell anyone where she would be staying or what she was doing with her life and when someone tried to get a hold of her, she would threaten with a restraining order. She was an absolute psycho and this time she went to far. I knew my mom was toxic every since I was 16. She was physically and emotionally abusive to my me, my sisters and dad. I really don't understand people how people could act this way and think that they are in the right. It doesn't make any sense. At this point, I am not sure if I will ever let her back in. I believe in forgiveness and I have forgiven her, but I just don't think it would be healthy for me or my family to let her in.

    • Amy

      I don't think they always mean to, or realize, or they have a mental illness. Sometimes we just don't know what makes a person do the things they do and there's nothing we can ever do to control that. But we can control our own actions and responses and our own lives and that is what is important.

      Best of luck to you.

  25. Anonymous

    Thank you so much for sharing your story, Amy. I grew up with my mother – a diagnosed, but unmedicated bipolar, and my father – a tortured, depressed victim of sexual and mental abuse as a child. Their physical fights, alcoholism, and emotional abuse were traumatic to the point of blacking quite a bit of it out. When the truth about our household started to show itself at school and to family members, my grandparents were able to win custody of me and my brother. The next 10 years consisted of failed relationship attempts with them that sabotaged much of my happiness and ability to feel successful no matter what I accomplished. When I met my (now) husband, I made a decision to cut them out of my life for good, and while I have prospered and actually felt happy like never before, they still have a way of worming into my life. My mother has sent cards and letters to me at several employers or professional groups (I'm very involved in my community and as a marketing person, my name occasionally appears in the paper along with my place of business), who open my mail not knowing better. I'm horrified, and don't know how to make it stop without contacting them (which, in their manipulative ways is probably what they want). It's not easy, and I won't pretend that guilt and anger don't resurface when I get these letters, but it's absolutely the best path for me…you're not alone!

    • Amy

      Awesome! I couldn't agree more. It's hard, but so worth it!

  26. Anonymous

    Thanks so much for sharing, I can totally relate. My mother is schizoaffective (schizophrenic and bipolar), I never lived with her except as a baby, but she greatly affects my life. I'm 20 and trying to figure out my life and having someone like this in my life is really dragging me down. She can be really sweet but underneath it all she is filled with so much hate and rage. It's really sad… Noone else in my family talks to her because she is so horrible to people. I am realizing that her having me in her life doesn't even help her and brings me to a very dark place. I'm glad there's people who can relate and know that sometimes letting go is the best and healthiest thing you can do for yourself and all of the other people in your life

    • Amy

      You're welcome! We have to do what is best for ourselves, we are in charge of our own lives and our own happiness.

  27. EcoGrrl

    "You do not need to spend time with people who treat you poorly and it doesn’t matter if that person is a stranger, a friend, a spouse, a relative or even your parent."

    Thank you.

    It reminds me of the quote "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” I don't want to be surrounding myself by mean, selfish, and generally toxic individuals. Whether mental illness is involved or not, just because we share our DNA with someone doesn't mean we have to have a relationship with them.

    I don't have a relationship with my mother by choice. My sister is an addict who is going down the same route as my mother and I don't have a relationship with her either. My father & all grandparents are dead. Family to me is defined by love and friendship and support. Period. I'd rather be alone as I am this Christmas than to be around people who are cruel and selfish.

    What helps me is remembering this – if the person is someone you wouldn't hang out with if you weren't related to them, we're under no obligation to spend time with them. It's too bad so much of the world look down on this – it permeates our culture that we are expected to tolerate bad behavior from our DNA yet would never put up with it from others in our lives.

    great comments from others as well.

    • Amy

      So true! If my mother had been my friend instead I'd have kicked her to the curb long before I did. We have the ability to create our own family and they don't have to be blood!

  28. Anonymous

    wow,i cant believe im just now finding this,this was even published a month after my mother assaulted me in my home,and i had to kick her out. I feel like a completely different person having her out from under my roof and i feel like certain people in my life cant understand or appreciate the struggle ive gone through,my mother is financially irresponsible, narcissistic, manipulative, compulsively lying about even the smallest things(breaking a dish for instance),attention seeking,and mentally unstable. since i was young she sought out men to take care of her financially,and when one "wasnt doing the job" as she would tell them(and continually berate them for)she would eventually cheat during the relationship,or find someone "better".
    i got pregnant with my first son at 16(had him at 17)and while this is not a poster perfect life choice,i got a job as soon as i could (when my son was 6 months old),and started supporting him because i did not want my mother to have do so,and it would not be right to be dependent on her to care for my son,i graduated ahead of my class,and even started taking college courses on top of caring for my son,and working graveyard. she quit working because it was "too much stress" for her(ideally she just had three other people living in her home,each with an income and didn't see the need to continue working). I moved out and got my own apartment,and began co parenting with the father of my son(we broke up due to my mother going between us and talking about both of us behind our backs,as well as calling his mother and berating her) and continued working at a newer and higher paying job.My mother ended up living with me because she didnt pay her bills,and left her boyfriend at the time,she continued to live with me for three years,in the meantime my son was diagnosed with autism. I could not have normal dating relationships because as soon as i began talking to someone(and not introducing them to my son so as not to confuse him) she would scream and cry and yell saying im losing my son,im a horrible mother,that she would take him from me(meanwhile calling my son a dummy,and stupid,and not letting him go to therapy when i wasnt around).
    I became involved with a wonderful caring man almost two years ago,while she was still living with me,and she became jealous and manipulative,trying to drive him away from my family.She has a record of becoming jealous of any relationships my siblings have,and i was no different,however we are still together,and when i became pregnant last year(right after my 23rd birthday we found out),she tried to choke me,and tried to kick me and punch me in the stomach. I told her to leave, and havent spoken with her since.
    I feel like i cannot ever go back to that relationship,i realize that some people do need their mother in their life,but as im leaving out a massive amount of details(my mom never cooked for my family,i cooked for myself,i never had a serious talk with her,i havent been hugged since i was 10 etc.)i can only say i do not want to go back to the toxic relationship that was there. Between being hospitalized for a nervous breakdown and going to sleep at night crying wondering what i did to deserve this(that started at around 8 or 9) i just cant.I want to be happy for once in my life,and not only that,make my 6 year old happy and help him,he is not a dummy and that more than anything makes me never want to see her again. Ive left out alot,and could write a book about the things she has done to me to make me not want to be involved with her anymore, but it would take too long and i think people could only stand reading so much.
    Thank you for writing this and letting me see there are others out there who have had the same journey.

    • Amy

      It can be a difficult journey, as with anything else in life, but it's so worth the work we put into it.

      I hope for the best for you and your babies.

  29. Anonymous

    Amy, thanks so much for sharing. My mom has borderline personality disorder. I simply can not stand her. She wants me to be with her all the time, entertaining her, and when I do, she just yells at me all along. She says it is my baby-brother and I's fault that she and my dad got separated. She blames me and my ten year old brother, she says and I quote: "I resent you both (my brother and me) for being able to be happy". My brother cries to sleep when she does that and he tries so hard to please her.I already gave up, I'm sixteen. I don't want everything to be sunshine and roses a minute and the next she's kicking me out of the house (she's done that). Then she calls, crying that when she went into my room screaming at me to get the hell out, she wasn't serious, she tells me not to be such a fucking drama queen and come back. I hate her. But I can not hate her at the same time, I just don't have it in me.
    Your article gave me hope, I just want to get out of where I am and leave for good. I'm glad you could.

    • Amy

      Oh you poor things! My mother blamed me for her sadness all too often. It's such a sad thing, really, to blame someone for your unhappiness. It is our own responsibility for happiness. We are in control of how we respond to the things that happen to us.

      I do hope for the best for you and your brother. Hang on to your hope and stay strong.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve always told my self if I had kids I wouldn’t treat my kids how I was treated I would be to them the parent I always wanted I would be happy to enjoy every moment with them no matter how old they were if they was sick I would take them to the hospital or if went to a restaurant I would throw juice on them because they didn’t buy me something or I wouldn’t criticize them every chance I got because that’s a reflection of me. I would never ever allow them to walk home in the dark because I use to do that and when they came home it was two cars in the driveway and I wouldn’t allow anyone to ever mistreat them because I’m coming for they neck, because you basically singing over your life and I would never want them to ask for other people when they could ask me I would never want my kids to be treated how I was treated because I know it is to be all alone and feel like all you have is yourself. I wouldn’t treat my kids like that because that’s how I got treated. I would never call them names because they didn’t answer the phone. I would never belittle my kids because that’s not how god planned life to be. My life taught me you depend on yourself so you never have to depend on anyone. I want my kids to depend on me until they can’t no more because life is too short and I don’t want to be at their funeral crying.

  30. Anonymous

    Thank you so much for sharing.I am 31 and I have a toxic mother. I think it funny when other people complain about their parents for normal annoyances but never really understand really toxic parents especially mothers. I think every young woman deserves a loving mother to have that bond with and some of us will never have that but we can have them in other relationships. The hard thing is that when we deal with things, we have more to overcome cause we could easily fall into the trap of being like that toxic mother. Its sometimes hard to differentiate what is healthy and normal from what isnt because of the environment that we grew up in. My divorce ultimately was my fault but because of the learned behavior I adopted that didnt even know were hurting me.

    subconsciously, being around that toxic environment is what poisons everything else in our lives so I completely understand why some of us need to make that strong decision and cut off ties with the source of poison.

    Thank you for sharing. Meant a lot to me to read that and know there are others out there feeling what I am feeling.

    • Amy

      It is a hard thing to deal with, it will be an ongoing struggle for the rest of my life. But we have to do what is best for ourselves, and most often the best things for us are the most difficult.

      And you're welcome. I'm glad that my story could help you.

  31. Anonymous

    Thank you for this new insight.

    I too am struggling right now with my toxic mother. I too have been struggling (actually realized this , this week) with issues of self-worth. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I was the cause of her sad, depressing life. If I hadn't been born, she would have left my dad, but instead she had to stay. For me.

    She has also told me that no one would "ever love you the way your family will" which has cause major heart-ache considering I come from a toxic, dysfunctional family. My mom is sick, my dad is sick, my brother is sick and yes, I am sick too. But I am trying. I am trying my best by working on my self and getting the help I need. By creating a good strong family for myself, since the family I was dealt with has not been nurturing or supportive.

    I gave my mother an ultimatum too about three weeks ago and it hurts. I don't think she realizes how serious I am. She has called twice and I have not answered. I told her not to call until she has done something to change her own life for the better, to make herself happy. Her first phone call was the very next day…I doubt anyone could change anything that quickly. I responded to her last voicemail via text. Telling her that I love her very much but that I stand by what I said. That they had done me a lot of hurt and I will not allow myself to be hurt any longer, especially if they are not willing to do something to help themselves.

    This hurts. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done. There is not a moment that I do not want to call her to let her know how much I love her despite all the pain and anguish she has and continues to put me through. It hurts and to top things off, I feel overridden with guilt. Guilt at "abandoning" her. And I am sure that in her eyes, I am the worst thing that has ever happened to her for doing this to her.

    How do you come to peace with that?

    • Amy

      Honestly, I'm not sure. I think about my mother often, and sometimes I even wish she were back in my life. But when that thought comes I remember the reality of it all and that the things I'm wishing for never truly existed anywhere than in my wishful thinking. I don't miss her, I miss the idea of a mom. That I will never have. But what I can have, and do have, is a beautiful relationship with my own daughter. That's what keeps me going. That is what takes away my feelings of guilt. I know that I did what I had to do and I stand my ground and as difficult as it is sometimes I continue to move forward, not looking back.

  32. Erika Rose

    I am 24 years old, been living on my own for quite some time. I moved across the country to get away from my mom. Did she call me once? Nope. But every time I called her she would scold me, tell me how stupid I am. She basically guilt tripped me into coming back home. I thought it would be a perfect situation for us to rekindle our relationship but things have never been worse between us.

    I have had self-esteem issues my whole life. Growing up I was always compared to the other cute girls at my church. I thought so low of myself because my own Mother couldn't accept who I was, she still can't. I was reading through my old journals, a common phrase I said was "How will I ever find a man to love me if my own mother doesn't even want me?" Well, I did find a wonderful man, one who accepts all my faults and when I make a mistake he tells me to try again. I have never been happier as I am when I am with him. Of course, my mother doesn't approve.

    I'm now thinking that cutting ties with my mom would make me a much happier person. My 2 brothers have already done it, what am I waiting for? Unfortunately, I'm too much of a softy and I'd feel bad that my mother now has no one in her life.

    I could go on and on as if this was a therapy session but that's not the point. I want to thank you for your post because now I realize that I truly am not the messed up one my mother claims me to be.

    • spiderkat

      Hi Erika Rose. Your story moved me as I was your age when I moved out of home and I do understand your feeling bad that your mother would have nobody else if you broke things off. I speak as someone who spent another 20 yrs feeling like that but still unable to make a move to end it. I just kept pretending everything was ok (and did that make either me or my mother happier? No!) Our relationship was so bad I am sure she must have known I didn't really want to be there but was just seemingly glad to cling on to whatever relationship she thought was still there. That's not a quality relationship from anyone's point of view. At the end of the day the guilt may still be there either way whatever you do but do what you need to do to be happy! I wish you all the best

    • Amy

      "I'd feel bad that my mother now has no one in her life." I understand this, I do. I feel so sorry for my mom. I think about the fact that I, her only daughter, and my daughter want nothing to do with her. It completely breaks my heart. However, we are the ones who make our lives what we want or don't want them to be. And although things happen to us that we aren't in control of we are in control of how we respond. Our lives are what we make them.

      I too, wish you all the best.

    • Anonymous


      I am right there with you. I am to much of a softy to tell my mother no. I hate making her upset. It is just recently that I told her how she made me feel and she just turned it back on herself. I have low self -esteem as well. I can't accept myself even though my husband tells me I am beautiful I have her voice in the bad of my head. All I can say is keep your head up and do what makes you happy. If cutting ties will make you happy do it. Live for you and your husband. My mother doesn't approve of my husband either. I am just recently also starting to not go over to my mothers house as much as I was either which my husband can tell when I don't talk to my mom for some time cause I am happy. I hope you fine the right path for your decision. Good luck!

  33. spiderkat

    I am so glad I came across this post. Felt desperate today after receiving a text message from my mother who I haven't seen for over 7yrs. It was inviting me to a family celebration for her 80th birthday in October (she is asking people early so they can keep the date free it seems). My gut reaction was "No. Please leave me alone!" but I have been consumed with guilt all day as feel like I am a terrible daughter for feeling like this. I have been so happy for the last 7 yrs with no contact and feel so much lighter than I used to do when I put up with the relationship out of a sense of duty.

    I don't remember ever not having a strained relationship with her but things escalated when my dad died when I was 21 and it was just her and me in the house. There was nothing physical but all the emotional manipulation and control was crushing and I just felt so trapped in the situation. It was like she drained all the energy out of me all the time. Even though I moved out when I was 24 to my own place I visited once a week for an hour as I lived (and still live) in the same town. I used to dread each visit and I could never just turn up when I felt like it – the next week's visit had to be set in stone before I left. It's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced anything like this but I felt like I was in a kind of prison. As I was single (and still am – hate the idea of being tied down to anyone and feeling trapped again!) I was expected to spend every Christmas Day and Boxing Day with her as well and it was torturous when it was just the two of us.

    To cut a long story short I got on with my life but put up with the relationship for another 20 years after my dad died(!) until my mother by chance met a guy at a bus stop over half her age and with drug related issues and announced she was marrying him. This created quite a fuss in the family and gave me the chance to pretend to be horrified and I just walked out of her house that day 7yrs ago and I have never been back. Immediately this huge weight just lifted off my shoulders – it felt so good.

    I did care about what happened to her (and the relationship with the guy ended awhile later anyway) but I just saw my chance to escape and took it! I cant remember ever loving my mother and always felt guilty about that as I now still feel guilty about not seeing her.

    Other people I have spoken to since felt the same about her but didn't voice their opinions. Some "friends" dropped her when my dad died as they were really more his friends than hers and even my sister's godmother told me recently that it was my father they were really friends with and never really got on with my mother even though they showed up every year with a Christmas present (and still do as far as I know!)

    Sorry this is so long but it just feels good to share with other people who have had similar experiences. Although I am happy now and have some really good friends who don't judge me they don't really understand. I just need to work out what to reply to the text now!

    • Amy

      I think that we will always feel guilty, I know that I will. But that doesn't change that I know I made the right decision.

      It is such a freeing feeling, isn't it? I am so much happier without my mother in my life. I feel like I'm able to move forward without her dragging me down with her.

  34. xPurpleflyingunicorn

    Hi. My name is Jessika, and I live in Kansas. I am 16. My mom and I have never had a good relationship. We've fought since I was about 11 or 12. She's a horrible drunk and very abusive. Before I moved to Wyoming with my dad when I was 13, she put hands on me and called me terrible things. I finally told my middle school what was going on and I moved. But, sadly, November two years ago, when I was 15, my dad passed away through surgery on his legs. I lived with my sister until last summer, and moved back to Kansas with my mom. She promised to change and it was good for a couple of days and turned horrible after that. She's kicked out multiple times, and threatened to leave me by myself, and let me and my boyfriend have my social security check. My boyfriend, Anthony, moved in a couple months ago because his brother kicked him out, because him and his wife were getting divorced and he didn't have enough room in his other house for him. So, we moved in together. We've also developed a schedule of sleeping all day and being up all night. (typical teenagers) but, my mom whenever we fight, accuses me of being on meth and being pregnant because I am emotional. Usually it gets so bad that she kicks me out for the night, knowing I don't have a phone to use and me and Anthony have no place to go but his car. She yells at me for the littlest things and even if it's accidental. She throws the fact that my father is passed away in my face, and when I confront her she just shrugs her shoulders and makes me out to be the bad person. Today, it got so bad that she called out my dead father and Anthony's dead mother. I don't know what to do! I know she can't legally kick me out, or leave me. But I can't leave Anthony, and I have no other place to go..please I need some advice. :/

  35. Angie Horsley

    mother has allways had many problems with me I was never good enough not smart enough. I had to go back to 3rd grade and she had me tested all through school, evan until high school till I was a Senior and they tryed to test me and I told the to fuck off. I am 18 go to hell. When I Graduated I got a 3.2

    Last year around this time I started Avon and I love it when she saw me so happy she said you really think your something. Wht is wringe with my mother.

  36. Anonymous


  37. Anonymous

    My mom can't keep any secrets. She says so many neg thing. She just gets worse. And the gossiping, she just can't stop?

  38. Anonymous

    this bitch says when she's mad at me:
    " i'll leave it all to xxxxxx."
    (my brother ) the one that MOLESTED me!

    go ahead BITCH I will get my lawyers.
    ruin his fckn life.

  39. Anonymous

    Hi, I feel you !! I have lived the same with my mother. I can see that I have mix feelings …I am not really sure if i should respect her or not, she does not even deserve my friendship …is kind of weird feeling..I which sometimes that I did not have such a mother. I am very sorry that God gave this type of people the opportunity to have kids. She even got 4 kids and until this day was not able and did not care of taking care of any of them…very sad but we were able to make it only my little sister …did not..she got schizophrenia..from all the events that my mother made us encounter in life.

  40. Anonymous

    Hi every one i am Selena and i am from USA had i fight with my husband about three years ago and since then he has refuse to talk to me or even care about our family affair he abandoned us and went after another woman leaving me with three kids two girls and a boy,so last weeks a friend of my introduced me to a spell caster called Dr,Ancient who helped me brought my husband back many think he is a scam but i promise you that he is nothing compare to that not even close so if you have some problems in having or getting your ex back you can contact the great and wonderful spell caster Dr,Ancient in this address and he be willing to help you via; [email protected]

  41. Anonymous

    Thank u so much for sharing. I thought i was the only one. I am 21 and actually my mother controls every aspect of my life. I want to move out of home, but I feel bad that i am leaving the one who gave birth to me and brought me up. But still, she lived her life, she had a relationship (a secret one) with another man and did enjoy her life. I am really confused. Help me out please

  42. Anonymous

    My Name is Jasmine, I'm 19 years old and just a few minutes ago My Mom said she found a mess in the bathroom and she blamed me for it. I might not be the honest person But still I draw the Line at someone (Even my Mom) of Accusing me and Blaming me for something that Didn't even do. It infuriates me. I told her I didn't do it but she Kept saying "Stop your lying!"

  43. Anonymous

    You are not the only one going through this and with God's help I intend to get through this the best I can and to be the best person I can be. My mother always criticized me growing up, and I still was there for her, bought her gifts, gave cards for her birthdays, ect always trying to be the best I could be. But….
    all of the sudden I realized family members were being turned against me, and now my own brother. I have to walk away, for my own well being, She was always blaming me for everything, and now my brother has walked in her steps as well. She wants nothing to do with her 2 grandkids that has by me,,and it is all so very sad. My dad was Not that way and if he were alive this day, all of this wouldn't be going on. I am continually praying for a healing in my family, but until then I choose to walk away.

  44. Anonymous

    Wow! I read your stories and I can totally relate! My mother was the same way as your mother! And my mom til this day cannot admit or even acknowledge that she is the one with the problem! I am 35 years old and have lived at home for the past 10 years because I am a single mother of a 10 year old and shes cared for him while I work. My mother is very controlling and has caused a lot of problems between me and my son! I am now in the process of moving out on my own and my mother is trying to take me to court to turn custody of my son over to her! She feels I cant raise him on my own! My mom has been a total bitch about me moving out. She finds things to yell at me about, shes flinging insults at me, shes been threatening me. Its been hell! My doctor had to put me on antidepressants and antianxiety medication. My mom blames me for all her stress and her high blood pressure. Shes manipulative and tells all her friends what a bitch I am and so forth. My advice to everyone. If your mother makes you miserable and abuses you…get her out of your life!

  45. Anonymous

    I can totally empathise with you. I am the daughter of an emotionally weak and very controlling mother. I have 2 younger brothers who were affected by her behaviours but to a lesser extent. Our father couldn't take any more of her unreasonable behaviour and left the family home when I was 10, my brothers 9 and 3yrs. From an early age I learned to fear my mother. Her temper tantrums were unbelievably violent and one time she threw a heavy glass ashtray at my face which gave me a black eye. I was told it was my fault because I didn't move out of thee way. At 11years of age, I slipped on ice and broke my collar bone. She was furious as a visit to A&E wasn't convenient for her and while waiting to be seen by a doctor she said "it had better be broken or I'll break it for you". When I challenged her about this years later she said she was only joking!…..really!!!! I could go on to relate many, many similar stories of my unhappy childhood living with this unbalanced mother. The only thing I will say in her favour is the fact that she has been a good grandmother to my daughter and the only thing good to come out of my unhappy childhood is that I learned how NOT to behave as a mother. She is now in her early 80's with no friends and is probably quite lonely and unhappy. I will continue to visit every week and care for her basic needs out of a sense of duty but will not give in to her manipulative behaviours. She knows just how far she can go with me. My heart goes out in sympathy to all those who have been abused physically and emotionally by their mothers. It's just not natural. You may be left emotionally scarred but I bet you are all strong able people who have broken the cycle of abuse.

  46. Anonymous

    Hi I am speechless right now..don't know who to turn to but I came across this site. My mother just took a knife and threatened to stab herself to slit her wrists if I didn't do what she said (she wanted me to take an oath that I wouldn't attend her funeral). She was so close and I thought she might very well do it or stab me. I have been hit before so I was very scared this time I felt horrible, like throwing up. I looked at my dad to make her stop he let her carry on and said "you better do it then" So I got on my knees and I said it while she held a knife close to me. I just dont know what to do anymore and I have no one to talk to. I am shaking right now and just want to die to get out of it all.

    • Anonymous

      What age are you? Are you in a financial position which would allow you to get your own place? Your mother is being over dramatic (I know because I've lived with one while growing up). Her behaviour is totally immature and unacceptable. An unreasonable person with unreasonable requests. There is no point in trying to reason with her. Your father seems willing to accept her behaviours but you shouldn't have to. If you still live with your parents and are not in a position to leave then you should talk to a health provider and get some emotional support and advice on how to deal with it. She is very fortunate indeed that she hasn't found herself on a charge of threatened assault. She is being manipulative and it must have worked for her in the past if she is using this type of behaviour as an adult. I am the writer of the post immediately above yours, so I fully understand and sympathise with your problems.

  47. Anonymous

    Why is it that people like DR EZIZA that are genuine are hard to find. After i have searching for help for almost all the corner of this life concerning my marriage and all to no avail it was Dr EZIZA that finally helped me out,he wiped away all the agony i was going through with my lover and stop the divorce he was planning. Any one out there who beleives all is over in his/her marriage contact DR EZIZA on [email protected] or +2348058176289 and join those that are happy through his handwork.

  48. Anonymous

    An amazing testimony on spell caster who brought my husband back to me,My name is micheal regina,I am from kuwait and I'm happily married to a lovely and caring husband,with three kids,A very big
    problem occurred in my family four month,between me and my husband, so terrible that he took the case to court for a
    divorce,he said that he don't want to see me again and that he don't love me anymore,So he threw properties and my children out of
    His house and made me and my children passed through several pain,I tried all my possible means for him to accept me back,after much begging,but all to no avail and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again,So on
    one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine called doris who asked of my husband, So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too So I never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice,because I need my husband back,Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited [email protected], So
    the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back in two
    days, What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do,Then after two days, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past four month, gave me a call to inform me that he want us coming back,So Amazing!! So that was how he call us back
    same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children,Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster,So, i will advice you out there to kindly contact him through his email
    [email protected], if you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem,So thanks to dr. Latifat for bringing back my husband,and brought great joy to my family once again.

  49. Tiffany Devin

    Hello to every one out there, my name is Tiffany. I'm here to shear my unexpected miracle that has happen to me through the help of DR MARVEL. I was happily married and we had three kids, we lived together as one because we both loved each other but before I knew it, my husband started acting funny and cheating on me later on, he told me that he cannot continue with me so that was how he left me and my three kids without noting but there was noting i could do to stop him or bring him back to me. I work so had to pay the kids schools fee and other responsibility for good five years. I cry all day and night because I didn't know what to do to have my husband back to me until this faithful day I read the post from one Miss Escobar testifying how the great spell caster helped her to get her ex back. I just wanted to try my luck because I never believe it will work but to my greatest surprise, am singing a new song i contacted the great spell caster and he told me not to worry because once he finish casting the spell, that I will get back my husband . The unbelievable happened on Sunday when I got a call and I was surprise to hear my husbands voice apologizing to me that he's so sorry for his Wrong did and telling me he's back home again and we are happily united again. wow!!! I really appreciate your good works great Dr.Marvel. I'll always acknowledge your "FABULOUS WORKS" and there's noting I could say than to tell the world about you. So if any one is out here seeing this post and you have similar issue like this, worry no more and contact this great spell caster that can help you. Dr.Marvel is available anytime you contact him..via email [email protected] or contact him directly on his website GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

  50. Anonymous

    I thought the thread was about toxic relationships with our mothers!

    • Anonymous


  51. Anonymous

    I currently live at home & I honestly believe that its time for me to move out but I know that I would have even more problems with my mother.I have been buying groceries with any extra money I had left, paying for wifi, cable and both of our phones. I feel like she doesn't want me to leave because she would have to take on what I'm paying along with utilities & taking care of my brothers by herself.we don't have a great relationship & I'm too old to still live at she didn't teach me important skills such as driving & cooking. Im having to learn how to do those things on my own & because of that I'm depressed every single day.she gives anything and everything to my brothers & even told one of them if they want to practice driving just let her know. I NEED to move out but how without her making it difficult for me? 🙁

    • Anonymous

      You find yourself a place to live. Move a your belongings in a few at a time and tell her when you've done it. The family bills and your brothers are NOT your responsibility. Look after yourself and if you would be happier in a place of your own…then do it! Good Luck.

    • Anonymous

      Hang in there! Try to find a new place to live. I did that but it gets lonly so have people over as much as possible… not your mom… maybe your brother can visit you. Then try to set goals and start to enjoy life 🙂 hope it works out 🙂

  52. Chelsea

    This article truly affected me. I have such immense pain from growing up with a BPD mother who isolated me from everyone, and literally uprooted me every year of my life. She burnt every bridge with family, and then kicked me out at 17 because I wanted to stay late at my boyfriend's house (the next morning all of my belonging were on the doorstep, door locked and a note on the door saying to "knock to get your dog" -I had a six month old puppy at the time) So I stayed in my boyfriend's mother's garage for a year, my mother never tried to contact me, and I thought I should be the bigger person and reconnect, so I called and she said I could have come back whenever I wanted to. Keeping in mind she had said that if I walk out that door, I would never be accepted back in. That along with taking out credit cards in my name and putting $40k worth of debt on my credit file, this was all just the beginning. I literally moved across the world to Australia to get away from her, but unfortunately the pain has followed me. I can't even bring myself to work through it because there's just so many horrible memories, so much despair. I appreciate articles like these because I understand there are other people out there going through similar things. It's frightening because when someone asks you about your mother, what are you supposed to say? What can you say?

  53. cannon shelly

    I am Cannon Shelly i lives in alabama and i was in a serious relationship with my Ex Guy for 3 good years.. One day we were in a dinner party, we had a little misunderstanding which lead to a Quarrel and he stood up and left me at the dinner party. i try to call him but he was not picking my calls so after than i contacted my brother and told him about it,my brother so much love me that he had to see him on my behalf,he told my brother that it is over between us.. Then i contacted a friend of mine that had this similar experience and she directed me to THE HIGH PRIEST OZIGIDIDON and i contacted him on [email protected], at first i thought it was not going to be possible and i contacted him i was ask to come up with a little requirement information of me and my Ex Guy,so i did what i was ask to do, after 24Hours after the spell was cast i was in my office when my Ex Guy called me and was asking me to forgive him and come back to him. i was very surprise it was like a dream to me,so ever since we have been happily married with one kid my lovely baby(Anita)…i wish you the best of luck… friends you can contact HIGH PRIEST OZIGIDIDON on his email, [email protected]. I know you will Thank me later.

  54. Anonymous

    I've been living with my mentally bulling mother for whole my life. I'm 17 turning 18. I'm so glad I found this site. My mom is obsesst woth having our house and garden perfect and as soon as somethig isn't right then h*ll goes loose. She blames me for everything and she starts to bring u stuff that don't belonge in that converation and I've put up with this for my entier life. Today I stod up for myself and she got even more angry.Tought I was crazy for hating my mom, but I guess I'm not. I wont just take it anymore. She always tells me I'm useless and I'll never sucseed in life. I have almost straight A:s so if that's not enought then I don't know what is…

    Good luck to you all out there! And taker care of yourself. As the writer said your not alone there are more people out there with bully mothers…

    Ps: thanks for making this post about your mother and I wish you the best! ❤ /L

  55. Anonymous

    Thank you so much for this. My toxic mother has made my life a misery but had seemed ok in the last couple of years. Since I gave birth a year ago she's been more and more controlling and spiteful again. She.wants everything her way I do nothing right as a mother and if I don't give her her way she either sulks or forces it anyway. Now I'm pregnant again I can't take it and she's been so hideously lately I demanded an apology before I see her again. Of course her ego can't do that and as usual she has.manipulated my dad to.the point that he is quoting lies alongside facts and figures to defend her and them.and prove I am disgusting not them. Everything gets retconned and twisted with them. Everything. I can never win. Today he made me so anxious telling at me I had an anxiety attack fainted damaged my bad back and pelvis and put the baby at risk. They are so selfish to act like this while I'm pregnant and never ever can accept they've done a thing wrong. The shouting upset my daughter two who never hears shouting from me and my husband. I've had enough.

  56. Khedra B Graham

    Hello everyone i want to share a live testimony on how Dr Alex was able to bring my husband back to me, myself and my husband were on a serious breakup, even before then we were always quarreling fighting and doing different ungodly act..
    My husband packed his things out of the house and we had to live in different area, despite all this i was looking for a way to re_unite with my husband, not until i met Dr Alex the great spell caster who was able to bring my husband back home, Dr Alex cast a love spell for me, and after some time i started seen results about the spell….
    Today my family is back again and we are happy living fine and healthy, with Dr Alex all my dream came through in re_uniting my marriage, friends in case you need the help of Dr Alex kindly mail him on( [email protected] ) or call him on +2347036013351, Sir i will forever recommend you!!!

  57. Tina Brown

    I am from USA, I remember lying in my room when I was in high school and writing in a journal to my future husband. I’d write all
    sorts of notes and questions and things I’d wonder or ask this man when I eventually met him. I would wonder where he was and what he was doing and if he was thinking about me too. It has always been such a strong desire in my heart to find a wonderful man to marry, someone who would love me and cherish me and appreciate me for the person I am. I always thought I would get married right out of college, just like my parents, so when that plan didn’t work out, I started to get discouraged. A school mate snatched my future husband away from my arms just because she had spiritual powers, all hope was lost to me before i came across DR. TEBE ([email protected]) who i confided in, i told him my long story and he helped me regain back my lover which is now my husband today. if you have any problem email Dr. Tebe at [email protected] You can call him with this number: +2348143048153.

  58. Anonymous

    Thanks so much for your sad but true story. My daughter is an undiagnosed borderline and her daughter is only 7 but already tells me that her mom is crazy and drives her crazy! I struggle with whether to attempt to take away custody of my granddaughter because she has no one but us to look to for stability. What would u recommend as a daughter who suffered through growing up in a similar situation? My daughter will hate me for it but I know my granddaughter need s to be saved from a life of misery and abuse. Daughter also married a verbally abusive man who is now a step dad…which makes matters worse for my granddaughter. I struggle with the decision to try to take away my granddaughter because I'll probably lose my daughter over it…or at least temporarily.

  59. Anonymous

    Thank you so much Amy for your story you really made me not feel alone and I am trying to decide to just back away from my mom. She just really don't know how to have a relationship with her children and her grandchildren. Just reading through the comments really opened up my eyes that it people in this world dealing with this issue. Thanks again.

  60. Escape

    My mother threatened to kill me when I was young. Made a Big Fuss when she start doing housework at her favorite time while we resting. Don't bother to ask if we eaten when we are home after work, but are tasks to clean this and that.. while eating dinner, she repeat her orders…

    Now she threatened not to attend my wedding each time she feel I fail or disappoint her…

  61. Escape

    Each time she demands and we get upset, she will just excuse herself she don't mean what she said and tell us we can don't listen… But during the demands, she became violently angry if we tell her "no"

  62. Anonymous

    Hi Amy,

    Thanks for sharing. Your mom was almost similar to my mom with the exception that my mom has a dirty evil heart. For some reason, her MIL hated her and she couldn't let go of her reciprocal hatredness. She basically used me to let go of her tantrum. She stated that since her MIL made her life hell, I should experience the same since I'm her only daughter. Due to her conservative background, she never likes having a daughter in her home. For many years, I was in denial until I realized recently that I am still bearing the consequences of the damages she has done to my life. She called and yelled at me with sexual names like ' fucking smelly vagina' all the time until I was in my 20s. As I grew up, I have less tolerance towards those sexual names and my self esteem was deeply affected. I was an achiever in school and had always been doing well in studies. Luck was not my side and GOD gave me such a CRUEL obstacles when I was just about to begin my independence. In my college year, I met a coursemate who made my life so difficult that I decided to take a break from college. I was doing a health related course. My mother took this opportunity to make matters worse. She would tell all the relatives that something was wrong with my 'brain' and so I can't study anymore and then pressured and forced me to see a psychiatrist, who didn't help me apart from giving me the stigma that I didn't need. I tried to retaliate from seeing a psychiatrist in the very first place as it was inappropriate and it was basically taking advantage of a person in her most difficult time and I was aware that it would do me more harm with the stigma as I was doing a health related course at that time. However, I was depending on my family for shelter and financial support at that time and my mom would yell and bang my door everyday if I don't succumb to her request. From stress (yeah, everyone has stress), he gave me medications that put me into deep sleep, resulting in me not being able to continue my studies and then stated I had depression, when I had to quit college. Everyday, my mom would then say I had mental illness, She told her beloved son (my eldest abusive brother) to continuously hit and kicked me almost on a weekly basis. Then my parents took the opportunity to tell everyone that I failed in my studies, instead of the truth in which they were not being able to support me financially. Having seen there was no more light in my life at that time, I fought back yes, physically endlessly and my mom and brother then secretly plotted to call the police to send me to the psychiatric ward, telling the police that I hit them etc etc and painted me like a monster. My dad was in shocked as it happened when he was not at home and immediately got my discharged from the hospital after a few days. He didn't tell them the truth that I had been abused. What hurts me most was that I feel it was my mom and brother (who kept failing his exam) who had mental illness and were the abusive ones, however, they painted me as the abusive one with mental illness. They intentionally called the police so that they could damage my reputation. Having known of their capability to destroy my life, I succumbed to their request to keep quiet as I was not financially independent at that time (and there was no gov financial incentive). I then started working without any degree in my hand and in my early 20s (and yes, my family still has 2 houses, a car in cash which my brother later sold for having to settle his stock market gambling debt) in which my mom was extremely happy as she can now start organizing all the inheritance to go into my eldest brother's possession. 10 years down the track, I am now working as a health practitioner (yes, I left the country and gained a degree) in a foreign country.

  63. Anonymous

    Continuing…..from Anonymous

    My brother had been jobless for 5 years ( and he didn't have a degree as he kept failing his exam) and was basically living on family's support, including paying his car installment etc. He was sacked from his job as he physically hit his boss in an argument. Following another fight with my dad, my dad did exactly the same thing what he did to me, by calling the police to send him to the psychiatric ward in a hospital and kicked him out of the house. My mom was crying and begged my other siblings to help out, in which then when questioned why she did that to me so cruelly when I was young, she later stated I deserved it! Somehow after more than 10 years, I realized that I couldn't go back and practise in my country as I was suddenly reminded of the incident and the hospital still had my electronic admission details, which can be easily assessed by all staffs. Just within few seconds, everyone in the hospital can find out that I had been admitted to the psychiatric ward more than 10 years ago. I couldn't save my reputation as it had already been damaged by my mom, to her satisfaction, and I know as a practising health practitioner, I will be stigmatized based solely on that admission, even though it was 10 years ago. I don't know what to do- shall I sue the psychiatrist for wrong diagnosis and negligence to pick up domestic adult/child abuse after more than 10 years? Shall I call the police for domestic/child abuse and report my mom and brother for providing false report, for what they did to me 10 years ago? It's been more than an decade, and I am feeling more resentful each day for being framed as the monster instead of the one being abused! Although in my 30s now, I haven't had a day passed feeling happy and at peace since that incident. Or will it get better if I get married and build my own family? One of my experienced middle-aged friend said I had been abused so it's not my fault and I had too low self esteem, despite being a health practitioner. I don't know why, instead of feeling proud, I feel ashamed and couldn't put myself up in public till today. I dreaded the fact that people will find out and I feel like no one will believe and feel for me as I had been painted like a 'monster' and people usually adored their mom and brother, or at least that's what I know from on social media. I feel it was difficult for me when I am working in a hospital with daily electronic accessing work, and having been reminded of the incident 10 years ago. I wished I was not reminded of that incident, at least I can still live in denial. I'm feel so homesick (as in missing my country) and would like to go back to my country, but I don't picture myself going back there anymore.

  64. Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing your story and showing us that we're not alone. I'm currently at a crossroads right now, debating whether I should cut it off with my mother or not. I'm so exhausted of constantly accommodating her

  65. Anonymous

    this post reminds me of the movie "throw momma out of the train", a Danny DeVito Movie. what a classic. My mother wants to rule every move of my life, as a result she made me useless. Someone who cannot win at home will for sure fail in the real cunning world. when I talk to her, she wanted me to end every sentence with 'Mommy'. ok mommy, what mommy, yes mommy, if I did not say mommy, she will give me a pathetic look. I am a middle aged man now and she still expects the same from me, and the worst part is, even from my wife she expects the same manners. she wants to control every aspect of my married life. Me and my wife was planning for having children when I was 30 years old, she absolutely discouraged us (she didn't want be called a grandmother) and now after a few years we are unable to have children for whatever reasons. my wife is so much under pressure for putting up with my mother. I am being squashed in the process of consoling and supporting my wife and keeping up with the woman. The root problem is that she separated from her husband, if I am harsh with her, where will she go, with this pretext I have to put up with her nonsense till I am dead I guess. what a crap life. really. You can chose your friends, stay away from relatives or acquaintances, but most unfortunate is to have a mother like this. if she is successful in driving my wife crazy and forcing her to run away I am not surprised. god, save kids from these kind of mothers.

  66. Carol Thomas

    I met my husband in my first year of senior high school, Its not like i met him during my first year of being senior , it was more like we started dating during that period in time. It was the first time in my life i felt like my heart was going to explode when anyone touched me or kissed me. I knew i was in love with him and there was no way of saying that i wasn't and i also believed that he loved me just as much as i loved him. In more sense i could mistake what we felt as something magical. We planned our lives together thinking and knowing we are going to be together forever and nothing was ever going to tear us apart. But life being as it is, we woke up and reality set in. Although this month made it the 9th year since we have being together, last year was brought us series of problems. Professionally, i am a medical doctor and he is an art painter so there is no way on earth i will always be around because its the nature of my profession. I always made sure i spend most of my free time with him and not friends. As much as i love him, i also love saving lives so it was so selfish to ask me to choose. I will never ask him to choose between me and his art work because i knew how much he loved painting and how much he loved me also. O well that is all history just wanted you all know what caused our problem. I can go on and on telling how selfish he was towards me and my profession but it will be pointless. In the end i found out he was seeing someone else even if we were still married. I only knew about three months after they started their affair. And his reason for cheating was that he needs closure that i made sure i gave each time i was home with him. All that needing of closure speech could also be rephrased as he was tired of us and needed someone new after eight years of been together. I wish i told him he was never going to see me again but it was the opposite he ended us there and then. Call me crazy or whatever, i knew in my heart that if i had let him go like that i would never had found love again. A spell caster called Metodo Acamu help me cast a spell to bring us back together. I know it sounds hypocritical to even mention i used a spell to get back together with my husband because for goodness sake i am a medical doctor and i should know better than that but it true along with every other testimony about Metodo Acamu spell you have all seen on the Internet. Like most of the testimonies you may have read, i never intended on contact a spell caster but desperation drove me to am only glad i contacted the right one. He only asked me to provide four materials that i can not disclose which i was to mail to him through DHL or UPS but i decided to just send the total cost to him Because firstly my job does not permit me the time secondly some of the materials where not even found here in Chicago or the united state as a whole while other did not just go down with me to actually send via mail. But i to be sincere with you his spell worked. We are more in love than ever before just like when we first started dating and our relationship is more healthier than it ever was. Its been six months since Metodo Acamu help me get back together with my husband and like i said his month made it our 9th year of being together. I will his email contact here for mailing purpose { [email protected] }

  67. Anonymous

    It's so good that I am not alone in this. I too have a horrendous relationship with my mother. From the moment she bore me, I've been treated like a boil on the ass of her life. After divorcing my daddy, she went from man to man and settled on a violent one. I was only a child and being brought up in a violent, argumentative household. Rarely had any attention, she spent her time between work and arguing with her boyfriend, so there was little time left for me. I basically brought myself up from the age of 9. The only reason our relationship coped was because I basically did EVERYTHING and I do mean EVERYTHING for her, washing, ironing, cleaning, running errands. I really had no life of my own until my mid twenties when I decided enough was enough and that she had basically been using me my whole life, but I had never really defined it. As soon as I met my now husband, things went from bad to worse, she starting locking me out of the house, starting arguments with me in front of him, calling me names, making me feel guilty for things I hadn't done. Things got so bad I had to move out while her and her boyfriend were on holiday over four years ago and of course I was wrong for doing that too. After I moved out things seems to get a little better between us for a while, but as soon as I announched our engagement a couple of years ago, she started interfering in my life again, trying to dictate how the wedding should be organised, guilting me into taking money, which I didn't want, as we paid for our wedding ourselves. On the run up to the wedding, she phoned me constantly trying to start fights with me and starting drama with other members of our family, it was driving me insane. As soon as the wedding was over I made a conscious decision to stay away from her, which worked for a while, but then she started bullying me again, calling me names, making me feel guilty for having put on weight etc. The final straw came when I called her on the bullying she had started again and she went crazy blaming me for her behaviour and didn't apologise, she has literally never apologised in her life to anyone for anything, no joke. I finally saw her as she is and the fact that she will NEVER change. There is so much more which has happened between us, but it would take forever to type it here. This forum has made me feel so good that I am not alone and have a voice.

  68. Anonymous

    I have 5 siblings and im the 5th child and when i was grade 7 my dad had an affair even now im grade 10 now and my mom always angry and etc she always pass me her anger of what ive done (small things) i do my chores but when i didnt because its not my turn my other sibling turn she will be angry to the point she about to hurt me pyhsically were screaming each other other when i stop and cried she will continue yelling and scare me not to eat if i didnt do the dishes.I always thought im not your maid im yur daugther like my others sibling. To my other sibling when i told them what my mom did to me they tell me its my fault always and always tell them i do my chores and small things when i do good at school and everything to the point im one of the top 10 my family tell me your not in the first section i was only 2nd section or any award they tell me what happend its easy to get that award and now your so proud of that.btw my dad had an affaid like several times now but to my mom its love and hate but now its not 15yrs old but its not normal age 15 my friends their mom enroll them buy this and that with them but for me i enroll myself gp their by myself but i want to feel love and the feeling that their and btw when i was grade 8 i always talk to a phycologist at school but for me it help me to understand things more but my family when will they understand for thw people who had a problem like me never give up they hurt you but maybe youve done something bad but pls you her or his family understand us maybe thats why your daughter or brother like that to you because of what you ve done.

  69. Amirah Mays

    After being in relationship with Jerry for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don’t believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I meant a spell caster called GREAT MUTABA and I email him, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: [email protected] you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything.

    1). Lost Love Spells
    2). Pregnancy Spells
    3). Lottery Spells
    4). Protection Spells
    5). Business problem Spells
    6). Stop Divorce Spell
    7). Marriage Spell
    8). Hiv/aids spell
    9}. ASL spell

  70. Anon

    I’m having some issues with my mom, and they’ve been on going. I really need some advice. I’ll start at the beginning. I’m 27, I have a brother 10 years younger than me whom I helped raise and was made responsible for. My mom was constantly saying “he’s your brother! You’re supposed to help him!” any time he had school work, projects, etc. I even changed his diapers, bathed him, got him dressed in the morning for day care…and later school when he was older. I took him to buy school supplies every year before school started, and I even did his science fair projects. I basically did everything a mother would do because I believed he was my sole responsibility. At the same time, my mother was very strict and overbearing. I was expected to do perfectly in school, I worked through out high school and college because she said if I wanted to go to school…I had to pay for it. I was constantly ridiculed for not doing things exactly how she wanted and when she wanted. As I got older, she would guilt me into doing things for her…saying I didn’t love her if I didnt, or that all daughters are supposed to do things when their mothers ask. I never had friends over because she didn’t like company, and most of my weekends were spent taking care of my brother…if I asked to go to a friends, she would yell at me. I started to experience signs of anxiety, stress, and depression at a very young age. I’ve always had a sort of grudge against her not only for the horrible way she talks to me, but also for keeping me from seeing my father and his family for years. I should note that I love my dad and we have a great relationship. She would say negative things about my dad. My mom obtained a court order that my dad wasn’t allowed to take me out of the state dye to the fact she didn’t like his family and didn’t want me to have a relationship with them…they wanted to have one with me. I loved his family, and from the time I was 8 until about 12 she kept me from seeing him or his family…by the time I was 13 and old enough by law to decide to see my dad’s family, my grandmother was sick and didn’t live very long…she passed away a few months after I was able to start building a relationship with her. Now, all of his family is deceased and I feel anger toward my mom for not having more time with them. I stayed home while I was in college because my mom made me feel guilty about moving out. I didn’t get up the guts to leave until I was 24. She had cheated on my brother’s dad with a man who she later married after divorcing her previous husband. This man beat her, and he and I even fought because I felt the need to protect my mom and brother. Whenever my mom would fight with him…she would call me asking me to come rescue her. She would leave him, and go back to him…causing me to put my life on hold to watch over her. I finally left when she told me she was letting him move in with her. Me moving out was a mess…she made me feel lower than dirt for leaving. My mom isn’t always bad…when she’s good, she’s really good, but when she’s bad, she’s so terrible. She insists on helping me financially or buying me things from time to time…only to bring it up in an argument or use it as leverage to get what she wants. My boyfriend (of 3 years) can’t stand her or the way she talks to me. Conversations with my mom typically leave me very angry and in tears. Recently we’ve argued a good bit about my mom because it’s hard for me to just ignore her and terminate our relationship even though I know it’s toxic. He tells me to just ignore her calls, texts, and threats…and I try to…but I feel obligated to talk to her because she’s my mom. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend and be unhappy, but my mom is so persistent and makes me feel so guilty I don’t know how to handle this situation. She also has such a hold on my brother that i feel like he will no longer speak to me if i terminate the relationship with her. Please help.

  71. Ashley Simpson

    I was just looking online for someone who has struggled with the same thing I’m going through. My mom and I have never had a good relationship, and it’s only gotten worse since moving back home after graduating from grad school. I should probably try harder, and anytime I think of the ways I have been hurt in my relationship with her, I feel extreme guilt-guilt over not being a better daughter, and shame because, as a Christian, the Bible calls for us to “honor our mother and father,” and I feel like I don’t. Because I feel like in many ways I can’t. After 29 years as her daughter, it’s hard for me to want a good relationship with her. Anywho, thank you for sharing this part of your life and know you are not alone.

  72. Candace

    Amy, you and the people who posted their personal stories above are not alone. I didn’t really notice anything, but was well aware that my mom was different growing up. At 16, my best friend spent the night when my parents were away. My mom left a list of chores. I did them all, while talking to my best friend, until the last thing. My brother watched TV on the couch, while I cleaned. My best friend looked at me and said “why is he on his butt?”, and I asked for help. He laughed. “Mama asked you, not me.” My best friend witnessed the fit my mother threw when she came home. Before leaving, she hugged me and said “I’m sorry. My mom has favorites, but at least she makes all of us work equally. If this were an isolated incident, I’d say I was being petty. But it wasn’t. It was the norm, not the exception. Twenty-five years later, and my in-laws have treated my husband and our children to several very nice trips. NYC and a cruise to the Caribbean to name a few. My mother has thrown a fit each and every time. My youngest child, unbeknownst to my Mom, stood in the next room and watched the last fit. He said “Nana, why don’t you want us to go on trips?” She immediately turned to me, glared and said “Do you see? You’re letting him think I’m a bitch.”

    My mother disapproves of me a lot. I wish I could say I was imagining things, but when your husband sits down, and says “I don’t get why your Mom resents you”, it’s not my imagination. I’ve known this for years. It hasn’t changed. And with me being 42, and my mom being 63, I can’t say that it ever will.

    My older relatives, also unbeknownst to my Mom, have had talks with me. “Your grandma was just like that, honey. She’s just like her.” Those words are a comfort, and the biggest source of fear I have. Maybe my Mom can’t help it is a balm, of sorts. But what if it is genetic, sends chills down my spine.

    My husband assures me that I’m nothing like this. That he met my mom when she was four years younger than I am now, and he had her pegged from the beginning.

    At 42, I’d hoped to have a great relationship with my Mom, and, at this point, I don’t think it will ever happen. Or, if it does, it will be conditional, or temporary.

    Also, Amy, my Mom still does the saintly act to other people, then treats me different when they’re not around. Unfortunately, that doesn’t change.

    Thank you for the opportunity to share, and for you guys being brave enough to share. Regardless of what our mothers have put us through in the past, and will continue to put us through in the future, this helps. Shared pain is lessened pain.

    God bless you, all.

  73. kealoha

    my comment is if your mother makes you consistently feel like crap, stay away. thats what I am doing now, and I feel better. work on the relationships that enrich you and whose lives you enrich, stay away from toxic people, however they are related to you. Just because you are related does not mean they love you, or are good for you. You have to do what makes sense for your life in order to be a fully functional person with good relationships

  74. Klaudia

    My mother sounds exactly like this Im only 13 but since I was 10 I have been wanting to run away. She yells at my siblings and I 24/7 and threatens to hurt us, my sister has recently moved in with us and she’s an adult now but she has been having panic attacks and is always freaking out because of the things my mother says to her. I may be the youngest in our family of 4 but I get yelled at the most, I have tried to talk to counsellors and other people seeing as I have been bullied in school for many years and my mothers yelling brings out my anxiety. She somehow manages to manipulate people into believing that she’s a good person when the people that know her well would run if they had the chance but it’s like she has a force that keeps you in her control…

  75. reva

    i hate my mom, we are from a poor family, when i was a kid i thought she was kinda role model to me but she was often calling me idiot, retard and never celebrate my birthday. she did both physical and verbal abuse to me which affect me to be a rough and sensitive person, that’s why i’m not easy to get along with people, when she was a little she didn’t live happily , her mother is stubborn and mad person just like she is now ,now she’s keep accusing my dad to have an affair with a woman she hates so much and it never been proved, it’s been years , my big sister was diagnosed with kidney failure in 2010 instead she was still accused my dad and mad for no reason, in 2012 my sister passed away ,but still she is never change a bit,
    at one point i ever yelling at her and beat her up , i know that was wrong because i had enough with her, not just with me she has a problem with my little sister, and at one night my little sister came home late and she yelling at her ‘ bitch! , slut!’ my sister has a bad tempered and almost killed her with a knife , i was just stayed in my bedroom because thought that was stupid and then my mom screamed and no one came , then she went out and knocked my neighboor house asked for help (what a shame!)
    this morning we had a big fight , she’s telling the neighboor i have mental disorder, which i would never forget in my life,but i might forgive, she is uncontrollable, unfixable and stubborn, selfish, manipulative and stupid mother ,, c’est la vie! hhrggh!

  76. Elthea

    I’m in a toxic relationship with my mom. I don’t know when and how it started but it’s been getting worse lately and sometimes even when I’m outside but at the thought of why my mom treat me this way, I cried. I feel so upset and I can’t do anything because she’s my mom. I’m currently still schooling in university but at my last semester. To be honest, I can’t wait to get out of school, get a job and get out of here. I’m really tired.. I wished all these can stop but I know it won’t. She won’t. Sometimes I asked myself what is it that I did wrongly or did I offended my mom that she have to treat me this way? By the way, my mom treats my older sister this way as well. She’s like the head of the house because even my dad is afraid of her. She’s a housewife by the way. And yes, yesterday night my sister and I both had a long chat with our dad. We shared with him our thoughts and how we feel towards my mom treating us this way. I don’t understand. My mom behave differently outside when she’s with her friends or others. She told them she love to joke and take things easily but the truth is she’s not. She can’t take jokes at all. There has been a couple of times when I accompanied my mom out for grocery shopping and we met her friend. Of course, I can’t just stand there mute right? So I joined in their conversation as well. It was my mistake. I should not have joined in the conversation. Why? I don’t know as well. But the moment when my mom and I reached home, she scolded me for joking with her friend and I’m like what??? It’s just a small joke and you were the one who said u love to joke?? I don’t get it. By the way I’m 24 and my sister is 26. My mom is 62 this year. Some people said my mom could be menopause? But I think it’s worse than menopause honestly. Everyday she screams and shouts at us I’m tired. Sometimes I feel like I really want to die. I don’t even feel loved. I’m tired.

  77. Anonymous

    Can you please tell me what to do? I’m 38 yrs old live in my own home & have since I was 19 yrs old. I married at 19 to a man that I loved to death & my mother couldn’t stand him. He was killed in a car accident after 6 yrs & then I was alone in life with just my parents & a sister that done her own thing. Now, I have found some one else that I love spending time with & love being with but, my mom is having serious issues with me being there. Keep in mind I’m still in my own home paying my own bills! She calls me a whore & tells me things like if she was me living like I was right now she would go ahead & kill herself, die & go to hell. She is in the church living a Christian life but I am so tired of being treated like I’m 15 when I’m 38 paying my own way in this world!!! Tell me, what can I do?!?!?!

    • Anonymous

      Hi, whatever became of your situation? I’m in a similar position as well but mom and I bot own the house. She pretty much guilted me in to co signing on the house she wanted and now I’m locked in there since she cannot work regularly due to illness and she can not afford it on her own. I’m 39 and she give me so much grief about everything and will stop talking to me when she is upset. She hates it when Inspend the nigh at my boyfriends house and straight up tell a me not to stay or not to come home late. She says the reason we have a bad relationship is that I have never wanted to be told what to do. Well especially st this age heck no i don’t want to be treated like a child!! She is a strong Christian so I understand her values -they are mine too but she cannot expect me to live under her “rules” all my life. The only reason I stay is cuz my job also doesn’t pay enough to allow me to live on my own. I feel so trappped idk what to do anymore. Sometimes it’s like a prison in the very home I also pay a mortgage on!

  78. Anonymous

    I’m 15 years old and me and my mom have never gotten along and no matter what I do its wrong or its not right. And I know sometimes I do stupid stuff like talk to a boy and then she found out and she sat there and called me a slut, a whore, and many other names that really hurt, but I didn’t even do anything with him we just dated and then because of my mom we broke up. I know that some of the things I’ve done are stupid but I’m 15 I’m going to do stupid things, but whenever I do something whether its forget to put a spoon in the dishwasher or forget to take out the trash, she’ll sit there and yell at me and tell me how I don’t do anything. I’ve tried to move out a while ago and I have a horse and I wrote a letter stating why I was leaving and that I’d be taking my horse, and last night she went through my room and found the letter and told me to try to take my horse and that if I did I’d get hung for stealing a horse, and I didn’t know her name was in what I thought was my horse’s papers. And she also blames me for everything and she always manipulates people into believing her so everyone hates me. Another thing she does is she’ll ask me something and I’ll tell her the answer and then she’s like your lying and I’m not but she’ll keep on asking the question and then she starts yelling it and then I have to lie about it then so I don’t get in trouble even more and I don’t understand it I try so hard to be perfect for her but its never good enough and she’s always lying to our roommate who’s like my dad, because I don’t know my real dad, but anyway she tells him a bunch of lie’s and then he’s gets upset and doesn’t talk me for a couple of days and my mom try’s to mess up any thing I have with someone, like my friendships and anything ells she can do, and I don’t know what to do because she make me feel worthless and that I’m a horrible kid, can you help me please

  79. Silke

    I’m a teenage girl and many of these problems sound like my mum and brother. My brother recently (for a year) has been nasty to me, making comments about how I look, telling me I’m ugly or to ‘sort out my hair’. I know many people will think it’s a joke, because he’s my brother. But he’s not. (Hes a year younger) When I spoke to my mum about it she just said ‘grow up and ignore him.’ And I honestly I try to. Within the last year I’ve had about 4 death threats off him, all of which my mum answered to ‘oh he musnt do that.’ I really don’t think it’s right for me to cry every day because of my mum and brother- I shouldn’t feel suicidal because of them should I? I do try to ignore it, take it as a joke, even when it’s not, but my mum doesn’t help. If my brother does well on a test, she buys him new things, spoils him. I recently won a footbAll tournament and got to play at a famous stadium. I told my mum, hoping she would be as proud as I was. Her answer was ‘oh okay’. Maybe I just sound like I want attention, but I don’t feel happy anymorex, and even look forward to Monday mornings, when I can escape them for 6-7 hours…

  80. Jade

    My mother is the same exact way. She has severe bipolar disorder and severe depression and anger management issues. The few moments in a month that she is actually sane and acting nice, I love her. I am so glad to have her as a mother when she’s being nice. When she flips, she turns INSANE. She threatens me, humiliates me, screams curses at me, says I never do anything for this house, you’re just like your sister (my older sister did DRUGS at age 14. I am currently 14 AND HAVE NEVER EVEN SEEN A SINGLE FORM OF DRUGS OR ALCOHOL IN MY LIFE). She’s insane, and I want to leave her so badly, but I have no where to go and I don’t want her to kill herself if I leave. She says she wants me to leave, but I know if I do, she will have nothing to live for. She has 0 friends and is unemployed. Also I would have no where to go if I left. There is no one to take care of me, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t take this constant frustration and anxiety much longer.

  81. Phillip Sanchez

    Thank you for a great article. I am a 45 year old male, raising 3 children in my own. I am a self employed contractor and I do everything for my kids. My entire life my mother has put me down, I now see I am not alone.

  82. Rachel Sanford

    I have decided to end my relationship with my mother for good. I feel like all of my life nothing I have ever done was ever good enough for her, from sweeping the floors ‘the wrong way’ or not calling her as often as she would have liked. As a teenager I was always looking for any excuse to be away from her and when I turned 15 I couldn’t wait to be 18 so I could move out. I moved out when I was 17 and there would be periods where I would think that things were fine, but then go from happy to screaming and yelling out of the blue over the smallest things. She will instantly get mad and upset and like it’s the end of the world some days and just rambles on about fantasy type things, an ex from years ago, or taking unrealistic trips other days. As soon as something is said that she disagrees with she attacks to the point where I have watched her make my grandma and siblings cry. She had driven me to the point to where I was cutting on myself and took a whole bottle of pills when I was 16. She has drained my grandmother out of her entire 401k money by making a terrible decision to commit a felony. You would never know my grandmother worked at Texas Instruments for years or even came from a wealthy family with how bad she is living now. My mother and I did not speak for over year because she got upset that she didn’t have the money to attend my destination wedding and blowing up on my husband and I. She sent him texts and voicemails cussing him out talking about how is selfish for taking me half across the world to get married and tried to make us feel guilty doing something we really wanted to do. I spent many years dreading conversations with her and have tried to limit visits to birthdays and holidays only but now I am done period. The last straw was the way she treated me this past Christmas. My husband and I always budget for Christmas gifts since my we have been host and cook for our family’s Christmas party and my mother asked for a coffee maker that costs almost $100. When I told her I wouldn’t be able to get it for her but could buy her a gift card to put towards it she told me that it was fine but went behind my back and throws a fit to grandma and makes a dramatic post on Facebook bashing me for not buying it for her. She then goes out and buys it for herself without even telling me (my sister told me) and then doesn’t show up to the Christmas party – again without even letting me know. I’m tired of her doing things like this out of spite and then blaming it on her illness. I’m tired of her not acting like an adult. I’m tired of feeling like the 44 year old mother instead of the 27 year old daughter. To those who don’t know her think that she is just the sweetest person ever but in reality she is very manipulative and very good at hiding her true colors. When someone tells her something that she doesn’t want to hear, she just ends that relationship and clings to those who give her and tell her what she wants. I have been caught in this emotional battle with myself over my relationship with my mom and can longer put myself through this. It just isn’t fair. I have always asked myself when will it end, when will there be peace, when can we be a normal, loving family. Although it’s difficult sometimes because I know that to people who don’t know the entire situation are judging my decision; my husband and one of my sisters are my biggest supporters who know my mother’s true colors and know I have been patient. Lord knows I have tried.

  83. Anonymous

    I’m a son & only-child of a single mom. Growing up I was told by her that “You’re just like your dad,” & even though me & my dad are completely different in personality. As a result I felt ashamed because it was an insult against me. As I got older I realized she was manipulating me to hate my own father.

    The divorce between my parents traumatized me as a child. When I misbehaved, she has never apologized or said she has forgiven me. I would get in trouble for every little thing. I called her a ‘retard’ for not thinking rationally & she went crazy. I swear I felt as if the devil was driving the car. She tried to drive off the road. I have never been so scared in my life, & it just frightens me how she can be so dangerous. She can never accept she is wrong on anything, & when confronted about it, she goes off the deep end.

    I am seriously debating about never seeing/contacting her again. She has caused me great pain. I understand I was not an easy child growing up (I was diagnosed with Aspergers at the age of 5), but what gives her the right to treat me that way? As a child, when I was picked on at school, she never tried to support me. She has abused me emotionally & physically, & it has frightened me. She cursed at me & called me a “piece of shit” & even tried to drive off the road. Everytime we fight she brings up things from my childhood & says I was a “bad boy” & throws me on guilt trips. I think at 13 yrs old, I got depression because of her.

    I have also realized she is not a good person. When asked why she married my dad, she said “because he was an engineer,” that told me she didn’t care one bit about my father—only his money.

    I am now 27 & I am getting a different perception of my mom than what I had growing up. She preaches quotes from the Bible but does not practice them. She lies & manipulates to get her way, & at times can be very violent, but I think driving off the road was the last straw for me.

    Seriously thinking about cutting ties

    I still see her once & awhile, but only because I don’t want her to be alone. Yet I feel she’s only using me for as a emotional baggage. And at this day & age, I am getting sick of it. Everytime I see her, she always needs something from me. We get into fights & sometimes over stupid things. She is one of those who cannot handle criticism.

    I am seriously thinking about not seeing or contacting her again.

  84. Norma

    I’m so glad I found this. After my weight loss surgery and nearly getting my BA degree (first college student in the family) my mother became obsessed that I have been sleeping with her ex lover. This lover who is married, in his 70s and gave her and STD. She even believes he has all his friends in town stocking me.
    My mom has always been a little unstable. But it’s bad enough now that she is also a functioning alcoholic and has many people believing all kinds of weird lies about many people. Even with counseling it is hard. One day she will be fine and the. She is like “look…see that’s one of the people he has following you.”
    Maybe it’s time to completely tell her to stay away. Last time I tried she threw a fit and tried to tell me I was selfish and keeping my kids away from a good grandma and that she never wanted to see me again. 2 days later she was over to borrow some milk.
    It’s emotionally exhausting. I am now in depression and anxiety meds, in counseling, and thinking about moving. I just can’t keep living in this small town where my mom is my neighbor.
    Heartbreaking. ?

  85. Eloisa

    My mother always let me feel that i owe everything from her from givinv birth, raising me up, sending me to school, clothing me, everything she did to me and to us– my siblings. It’s heart breaking that as a woman I don’t know to do exactly with her. She is most of the time shouting to us and every neighborhood can hear everything she is saying, it seems that we are the most monstrous children anyone could ever have. She gets mad in soo little things. Help please I don’t know what to do with her anymore.

  86. Alyssa

    Well, let’s see what pours out as I send this emotional roller coaster out into the world wide web. To the point, my mother most likely suffers from some form of mental illness, but refuses to talk about anything that has to do with that. I guess she’s fearful that we will put in a home. She is 70 yrs old and ever since I can remember, she has lied about everything in her life. She has, in my opinion, no coping skills and refuses to accept any responsibility for her actions. When she feels pushed into a corner, she becomes a martyr. She left my abusive father when I was 8. (45 now) He mother died when she was 12, no clue who her father is. Most likely all 9 of her siblings have multiple fathers. Everyone has suffered some form of traumatic life event, if not, many in their lives. She refuses to see a counselor. And on a rare occasion, when pressured, she lies and says that she has or she will. She can NEVER just be honest about her feelings for anything. Dealing with her is so stressful. I feel like I am with a 5 year old who constantly lies about getting caught with their hand in the cookie jar. When she is caught in a lie, she wants to abruptly end the conversation. Believe me, I can go on and on, she constantly abuse me and my brothers. As well as, on multiple occasions, threatened to run away and put us in a foster home. I don’t recall ever growing up with hugs or laughter in the house. I feel absolutely uncomfortable when she wants to hug me now. I have no problems hugging or showing affection,love, laughter and praise for my adult son. I make sure of that. I am trying to accept the fact that she most likely has a mental disorder and treat her as such. If only to alleviate my stress in dealing with or spending any time with her. But unless I definitively know, it’s difficult to stay in that lane. I’m not the only one on my family that sees this and she knows this. My siblings, without us ever talking to each other about it, until recently, has on separate occasions has mentioned similar things to her. Now, as the grandkids get older, they are noticing this in her as well. She never compromises, apologize when she’s wrong, unless it’s sarcastically or to dismiss the conversation. Dealing with her is emotionally exhausting. I do not have any feeling of regret, wishing that I had that mother- daughter relationship. I am not angry or jealous. I have come to peace with the fact that she will never change. I spend time with her out of obligation, not any real love. ( I feel bad for saying that) She did not raise me. I took care of myself and my younger siblings. I learned what not to do. I hate liars. I do not lie! Most people don’t believe me when I say that. “EVERYBODY lies!” they say. Well, I don’t. If you don’t want the truth about something, then don’t ask me! I somewhat liken it to growing up with an alcoholic in the family. One can choose to follow the path of that or chose to vehemently oppose it. Boy, I sure can go on and on about this, but I’m getting the feeling like I am back tracking in life if I keep on reliving or talking about the past. Most days, I put a period behind it and move on. Because, what else is left to do?

  87. Jackie

    I would like to make a statementfor some of the poor mothers out there that are being belittled by their daughters and the fact is, the daughters are trying to find people that side with them that they have been so hurt by their mothers and the mothers are toxic. I being a mother that had to work two jobs and raise two daughters by myself was under tremendous stress, not getting any help from their FATHER’S who all they cared about was drinking, taking drugs and running around!

    My daughters had No compassion towards me because I had to be the only parent and I had to be strict. Who cares about the mothers? Not the daughters, they just want people to feel sorry for them and have an excuse not to take responsibility for anything. Sure blame it on mom.

    I had been become really sick after raising my daughters because I worked so hard. I spoiled them and because I could not be a stay at home mom I now have the burden that I wasn’t good Enough as a parent!

    My daughters are manipulative and use others to get what they want, including people to feel sorry for them.

    I did the best I could at raising them. But when I grew older and very ill, the used me and abused me. So who is toxic now? Some day when your children become teens and older you will start understanding what your poor mother went through!

    You say she is toxic, some day you will regret hurting your mother. She is your mother no matter if you throw her away. Shame on you all! My mother was not perfect and she had problems but I did not cop out on her. I still took care of her, because I was raised to honor my mother and father. I was raised with responsibility. Not to blame someone else, including my mother, for everything is my life.

    You want to be grown-ups, then grow-up and take responsibility.

    I am Speaking for all the mothers you trash.

    • Carla

      THANK YOU Jackie !!! I am also a Mother estranged from a daughter ( and of course the best weapon they can use against us , our grandchildren ). I came here to listen to the other side. Well , I was thinking the whole time that I would love to hear the Mother’s side of these stories. I’m sure there are one or two who have valid reasons for trashing their mothers, but I’m sure the majority are just entitled, ungrateful sorts that want to make their Mother’s suffer because they weren’t perfect. I have found posts on other sites that I know are my estranged daughter and there is a lot of lies and exagerations. Anyone reading them would be sure I was the worst mother in the entire world EVER ! I think she believes the lies she’s included in snippets of truth . Like I refused to go to counselling with her “to improve our relationship, to help both of us understand each other and work on our faults”. FACT she demanded we go to weekly counselling because I’m NEGATIVE…she spoke to me like I was a convict in a prison and demanded I needed to be in counselling to cure this negativity that I bring , before her baby was born as she would not have a child around that !! Surprising that was no incentive to drive the 5 hours EVERY week as she demanded. Oh and I was in a relapse of a chronic illness and had just moved my 2 elderly parents to a new city out of their cluttered apartment. When she issued her demand ( via EMAIL !!! ) I was still organizing things for my parents in another city. I was in bed (from illness) when I wasn’t filling out forms , doing paperwork etc. Well , apparently the counselling could cure my illness as well ( uh, no. a physical illness ). So I’ve been cut off. I see her child ( soon to be children ) once or twice a year. We have no bond as she refused to let him talk on the phone or Skype, and we have nothing to talk about as she makes sure I have no clue what he’s up to, what his milestones are. I read that she DREADED telling me she was expecting again as “it’s all about me”. Really ? Basically she’s 7 mo pregnant and all I know is that she is due in the summer. My mother was in hospital in HER city for 5 months before she passed away and she did not go to visit her even once. I kept her informed what was going on and a couple of times encouraged her to visit . She wrote on another site that “I couldn’t go visit my g-ma because of the relationship with my Mother and I” , she would want me to talk to Dr and Nurses and I have to look after me. I’m busy and don’t have time for that. I told her that we were coming as my Mother not doing well at all….she just said they “might be around when we were there but they had day trip planned “. Turns out I collapsed from an acute illness and was hemorrhaging so could absolutely not travel. My mother passed away without me being able to be by her side. And my “perfect” daughter would not visit. She never asked how Mum was. She lied on that other site saying I had withheld the information that my Mother was dying even said my husband (her Dad ) told her my Mother was doing better ?? ( He actually told her we could not come because I needed medical treatment and that her grandmother was failing and she should go see her ). Of course with all the way out lying she’s done making me look bad, she’s had plenty of validation that she was right to throw me to the curb !! I suppose if folks get validated for their BS they actually start to believe it.

    • G

      First of all some mothers are the trash too. And some daughters are too. Their are mothers who abuse and call them terriable names no matter how stressed you are that is wrong. Working alone as a mother and a mother who does bad things are different. Maybe your mother was not a bad women thats why you could have took care of her. But when they are trying to ruin their childs life it is a wayyyyy different story.

  88. Anonymous

    My mother is very manipulative and always has to be right, she always bring me down and sometimes she doesnt even realize it. She has her moments where she is very violent as well.My mom has always been super dependent on people since I could remember and could never stay single, all her relationships ended because of how violent and how much she over thinks things and over reacts a situation. I read an article about co dependency and I strongly agree that she is co dependent. I sometimes catch myself acting like her and I get nervous because I don’t want to learn that from her.

  89. hannah

    hi amy, my name is hannah i am 11 years old and my mum does the exact same, she grabs me and hits me with the belt and a wooden spoon and i don’t know how many bruises she given me in my 11 years of being here. she is so mean and always calls me rude names and i already have anger problems like bipolar and ASD and what she does just hurts me more and i have ran away heaps of times and i’m just over it. my dad suffers depression cause he got shot when he was in the police force and he is really angry and sad all the time, i have 7 brothers and no sisters and they are all older then me which makes me the baby. i hate me life and want to kill myself!

  90. Morgan Hearn

    Hi! I’d just like to thank you for posting this because i feel the exact same way. My mom, at the moment, is so into my relationship she is telling me hes cheating on me and trying to make me believe all the depressing things she says. She reads through my messages at 3 am and even 1 time has responded acting like ME! I’m so fed up with my mom at this point. She controls everything I do and yet somehow everything I do is wrong. I don’t know what to do…

  91. Tammy

    Tell us about yourself:
    My name is Tammy. I enjoy spending time with my husband, my children who are grown, my grandson and my friends. Gardening equals peace for me.

    What is your relationship like with your mother?
    At this point, my relationship is nonexistent. I haven’t spoken to her in over a year now and I plan to keep it that way. I lived over 40 years being told I’m not good enough in so many ways.

    How old were you when you realized your that your mother wasn’t like other mothers?
    I’m not sure honestly. Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to be social very often. I thought it was normal for a mom to act the way she did . on the rare occasion that I was able to go to someone else’s house I saw my friend’s mother’s being kind I thought they were just acting the same way my mother did when others are around. my mother was a very sweet and kind-hearted person when others were around but she used to pinch me so hard on my leg if I was wearing pants or on my side if I was wearing shorts or a dress and of course I’d cry and of course she would do it in a way that no one would see it but then she’d act as though I was just being a whiny brat again. I didn’t dare tell anyone in the room what had actually just happened to me because I knew there would be a bigger punishment if I did. Then I’d have to apologize to everyone in the room for “acting up”.

    How does your mother interact with other people?
    she appears to be kind hearted and sweet she’s always been kind to a persons face but she would talk so badly about everyone afterwards a majority of the time she wouldn’t answer her phone or her door when people wanted to visit but if she was caught outside she act happy to see them.

    Do you have any idea why your mother behaves like this?
    I don’t know what caused her to be this way. I can’t blame it on her upbringing because she has several siblings whom all seem to have great relationships with their children I truly don’t know the answer to this question.

    How has your relationship with your mother affected other aspects of your life?
    I have grown up having major trust issues because it’s embedded in me that I shouldn’t trust anyone. I have also been diagnosed with OCD everything has to be perfect in my home because growing up I was told over and over that nothing was good enough I could never clean enough I never did enough and as long as things looked perfect that is What mattered.

    have you confronted your mother about the behavior? How do you deal with your mother now?
    throughout my life I have stopped speaking with her because I’ve needed to take a break away from her. I have confronted her many times on the subject however it always backfires on me because she will lie to the rest of the family and tell them I’ve been abusive to her in some way. now I do not have any type of relationship with her

    how do other people in your life feel about your mother and your relationship with her?
    my husband and grown children as well as friends all are 100% supportive of me they show me love and encouragement every single day and I am grateful for that

    what advice would you give to someone struggling with something similar?
    surround yourself with positive people and when you are struggling with a memory talk about it and realize it’s okay to talk about it. the fact is you should be able to talk about things. do not let yourself be drawn back into the poor relationship due to guilt. I have been told throughout the years many times by family members that I need to forgive my mother and I need to love my mother because she is my mother. this is not true in any way because a true mother would not treat their own child in such a horrible way. it is not OK for your mother to abuse you and anyway it doesn’t matter how old you are thank you

  92. Mayra (14)

    Hi Amy, I am currently 14 years old. I am the oldest of three and I feel like I am going through the same same thing you did when you were my age. My mother and I do not have a very good relationship at all. Just last night (10:00pm) she was crying because I refused to get my nails done by her. She blamed me for all her suffering and told me that I am a horrible daughter for never wanting to spend time with her. I know at first it sounds like a typical relationship between a teen and her mom but it really isn’t. She yells at me for not doing simple things the way they should be done. Like placing all my books in order and putting my shoes in the correct spot. Neither my dad or my 11 year old sister support me in anything. (my other sister is only 2yrs old) They also blame me when my mom cries. My mother has slapped me before once because we were having a fight over something I can’t really remember and I called her a b***h. (I obviously regret that) Whenever I seem to be upset and don’t talk to her about it she just mocks me and laughs every chance she gets.
    It is currently 2:00 here where I live in a small town in Illinois. Just two hours ago I had asked my parents if they could take me to a track meet/conference at the high school because my boyfriend is on the team. I asked my dad first he then told me to ask my mom. My mom told me to not give her my crap and to talk it out with my dad. My dad which was obviously pissed told me to stop looking at him like a lost puppy and that it was all my fault because i pissed her off last night. My dad ended up giving me a ride to the high school (almost) we were halfway there when my dad decided to take me back home because I was not dressed properly. It is 56 degrees outside. I had leggings, my white high top converse and my volleyball sweatshirt with my sports bra underneath. He got mad because I did not have a shirt under my sweatshirt because I am sick. I arrived home crying because of the crappy thing my dad had just done to me. My mom had taken my phone away and my boyfriend was calling me. She did not let me answer and told me go away because she was trying to put my baby sister to sleep. After my sister had finally gone to sleep my mom walked into my room but not to console me. She went in there to ask my 12 year old sister for “help” with something on her phone. I was on my bed still crying because of everything that is going on. She told my sister to go into her room because she didn’t have to put up with my annoying dramatic cries. I am not a loud crier. I actually hate crying because it makes me feel so vulnerable and childish. I kept my cries at the minimum so you could only hear my short gasps for air every minute or so. My mom is currently in her room doing nothing and my dad just got home. He has not said one word to me but has already told my sister that we are going to this family place to celebrate mother’s day. My dad does that a lot. He just ignores what is actually going on and does something else.
    Like I have said before I am the oldest of three. I remember when I was 11 (the same age as my middle/little sister) the problems were just starting. I am much stronger than my middle/little sister (emotionally.) I see the school social worker with some of my closest friends in a thing we call “group” i have no mental problems at all but it just seems to help control my emotions that I have towards my family. I have thought many times about going to a therapist/phyciatrist about our family problems as a family. I have attempted many times to talk to my parents about this idea but I always seem to chicken out because I know that my parents would just laugh at my face. The other reason is because my family is not the richest out there. I know that therapists/phyciatrists are not very cheap either. I don’t know what to do because I am growing and I feel all this pressure on me for being the oldest. I want to have a normal life and hang out with my friends and have “normal” fights with my parents once in awhile about not staying out too late or boys etc etc.

  93. Erin

    so glad to find all of you!!! I have been looking for answer so long why my life is the way it is “lost.” My mother is full of denial ever since I was kid. She was never were loving and supportive mother. Never able to call me my daughter and never able to say Happy Birthday to me. But I was still trying to have a mother and daughter relationship with her. I am now myself mother of 3. Around 5 years ago I welcomed my mother to my life to live with us because she has no one. But then all these childhood hurts and pain came back again. She never changed. she again cass at me, call me poor miserable and even call my son ugliest in his school… etc.
    Because she has no place to go I tried to work out with her and explain things to her, she would never listen. Up until now I was still trying and suddenly I can see everything why I always have low self esteem, why I am never feel full and happy since I was child. it was her. I told her we need to live seperate now on she disagree and start cassing on me that she wish I became ill and sick and never able to get out my bed and became miserable and all my bone would ache… etc…etc… that it was enough for me to listen her poison. So I kicked her out of my home for goodness of me and my kids and my husband. I dont deserve this. I even tried to talk to her many times and how much she hurter me when I was kid, her answer was “shut up”

  94. Anonymous

    My name is also Amy. I’ve also lived in Michigan 23 years of my life, am a graphic designer, and have the same relationship with my mother. Coming across this story randomly on google is quite the coincidence. I am excited for when I am financially stable to finally move from this house and start my life without the emotional abuse that always seems to follow being at this house.

  95. Anonymous

    Kinda sounds like my mother except she sticks up for her snitching family and tries to blame it on my dad and on me, When in fact it’s her and her brothers and sister snitching on everyone but screw them there inbreeds from West Virginia, anyways they even told on me and told the police I was growing weed when I wasn’t even growing any lol, So idk perhaps my mothers family is retarded lmfao….

  96. Anonymous

    Glad I am not the only one going through this 🙁 I just do not understand my mother… I always felt like she hated me when I was a child but the more years that go by the more this is confirmed. She admitted once that she channeled her anger towards me when I was young because my father made her miserable. I remember when I was 9 years, she dragged me into the kitchen to learn how to light the kitchen stove, I was really afraid of fire back then so it took me a while to garner enough courage to light it. Back then we used to use gas stoves that were lit using a match stick. I went through a whole pack of match sticks unable to light the stove because of the fear of getting burnt and for every unsuccessful attempt I was beaten thoroughly. To the point where I was swollen all over my face and my body. And even after that, she forced me out of the house to the store to buy more match sticks in the midst of my pain and tears. I remember when I got to the shop, the shop keeper asked me what happened to me but I was too swollen all over my face to talk. And thats just one of the many times she has mistreated me. Now at the age of 24, I met the man I love and got a good job. She hates seeing me happy so she still tries to create problems between me and my boyfriend. When it comes to my job, I have done everything to help her reap the benefits of me working, I constantly take her out to eat, buy her stuff or just give her money to spoil herself but all this doesn’t help. To her I am still selfish, ill-mannered and a disgrace. And I am just so tired of trying to make her love me 🙁 It should never be this difficult. I think I should just accept that she can’t love me the way she loves my brothers. I am finally at the point where I am asking myself, whats the point anymore?

  97. Anonoymus

    My mom is a fucken terrorist!!!!!!! – Self centered and has to always bully me when she feels like it. I am so done with her – She lives with me and our lease is not up until March 2017 – I’m so ready to move out but I need to fulfill my contract on the lease. I’m asking GOD for help daily cause she is truly terrorizing me, all she needs is a fucken bomb to really fit the name I have given her. She is ISIS in my household. I’m 40, recently divorced and I thought it would be help for her and me to live together, boy was I mistaken. Iwish she would just leave and leave me alone and I would not have to deal with her ever again. Its a thin line between love and hate. Its sad how love can turn into indifference over her being so fucked up. I think she needs mental help. I pray for God to make the months go by Hurry up March 2017!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! after that I’m OUT!!! – I will be free of her harassment and terrorist ways. God Save me, help me – Living Hell on Earth!

  98. Emanuella

    I kinda regocnise myself in your story. I have a mother who’s currently mad at me again *sigh* I get tired of her. I asked her ‘is something wrong?’ and she completely ignored me. Now she is saying things like ‘You have no brain’ and stuff like that. I’m dealing with this for 14 almost 15 years. I already made up my mind, I’m moving out when I’m 18. But clearly she cannot wait. She’s like ‘why can’t you already move out’ *sigh* she sometimes beats me. And I say things back to her but she doesn’t want to accept that she makes mistakes too! My sister and I are probably the troublemakers..But i know that we are not. My father defends my sister and I and I begged him to divorce from my mom and I even don’t want to call her ‘my mother’. In May I broke down by my friends and told them everything what my mom did to me and my sister. I went to the school and thought that they would help I can tell 2 teachers everything and they comfort me but it feels like nothing is changing at home. I can’t wait for school and that’s in 2 weeks. My mom also says things to me and especially my sis like ‘You better quite school and work as someone who picks up garbage.’ my sis is 18 and is still supporting our ‘mother’ I don’t love my mother I hate her. I remember when I was little that she would not give me diner (also happened a few months ago) and that she got angry because I didn’t know how to pronounce the alphabet. I was just a little kid who was 6/7 years old!!! I’m so glad that I found this site❤

  99. Emma

    My mom and I have a toxic relationship. I have always wanted to have a close relationship with my mother but as a child my mother was rarely ever home and then once I got older my mother began to say that she wanted to establish a relationship but not with much effort. However, my mother and I dont have any things in common, and then when we are around each other I cant help but want to not be around her because she is always asking me either to do something for her or give her money. I dont have a problem with helping her but she is completely capable of doing these things on her own. I always feel like my mother places so many burdens on me that I try to avoid being around her. I love her very much but it seems like that love is always dampered by something. I cant even eat food or go out the house without my mother asking for something. If i bring food in the house and she is already eating she will ask for my food as well. I dont understand it.

  100. Nancy

    Hi Amy,
    I came across this article at the middle of the night, waking up, feeling very stressed out. I was or am never good with dealing my emotion. My mum always called me ‘fake’/’acting’, whenever I show a bit more emotion and make some dramatic sounds. But that’s just me! I am loud, direct and dramatic. (She’s even more melodramatic, but she can’t see it herself). So I am used to suppress myself. I never really talk about my feeling or thought with my parents (mom and stepfather) for as long as I remember. Probably because no matter what I tell her, I just give her a chance to tell me I am wrong and not good enough. My mother is in a very unhappy marriage, and she let me know very clearly that her whole life is just waiting me to be old enough and work, so I can take care of her and make her happy. (She never really work in her life, and I don’t know if she can?)
    I don’t even realise I am stressed, until I came back from my exchange in Europe, and woke up with the biggest break out of a lifetime. Again, it’s ‘my fault’ that I have break outs cuz I am stupid/lazy and can’t take care of myself. But I can! I can live in a foreign country with language barrier and I never have a problem with that. I went to visit many doctors, and they told me I am too stressed. Of cuz my mum laughed at me again for stating I can’t be stressed.
    I know I should be a good daughter and take care of my mother (Asian culture). But I was never comfortable at home and the thought of living with her forever scared me, really. Yet I have no one to tell or cry on. Nobody would believe me. I told her again and again how much I don’t want to live in Hong Kong and have a so called steady life here. But she just thought that I am stupid and naive, and that’s just me being ‘dramatic’/’acting’.
    My mom is always my hardest critic and she has said things to me, like calling me a whore for not listening or obeying her even back when I was in middle school.
    She doesn’t really have any long term friend, she thinks friendship are a waste of time. Yet people found her sweet, gentle and charming. It drives me crazy that no one is willing to believe me. She has been telling me my whole life, since 5/6, she is unhappy with her marriages and she had no concern about dumping all that negativity at me. Somehow she’s even proud, like she said ‘that’s why you are so tough, I raised you well.’ I am not tough, I am so emotionally scared and abused, I put layers and layers of defence. And she justify her abusing saying she has prepared me for the worst, so when I grow up and face the world, I am tough enough to deal with them. Well she’s right, cuz no one else can really hurt me like she does.
    Yet I can’t talk or fight with her, maybe it’s the culture, you just can’t talk back/argue with your parents(that’s almost a sin). And I am used to bottle up everything despite how talkative and expressive I normally am with other people.
    The thought of taking care of her and living with her really really scared me. And I don’t know how to refuse. Cuz no matter what I do, I am wrong and not good enough to for her.

    • Kat

      I was also a marriage counselor for my mother, having to hear everything that went wrong and how it was always someone else’s fault. Hell I got blamed for her marital problems after she left her second husband. She moved us to the coast where she shacked up with the guy she was having an affair with (who was a hired hand of her second husband). He did not like me as I was already a teenager and was not exactly open to a new fella playing daddy. I was immediately isolated and kept separate from their family outings, shopping trips, dinners, even family get togethers when other relatives came down to visit. Some women are just not fit to be around children, my mother should have been sterilized as soon as she started having a period.

  101. Kat

    Thank you for baring your soul and sharing your story. My own story is parallel to your own, raised by an abusive step father who was abused himself. I am the oldest of three half siblings, my mother was a decent mother with them but I was blamed for all the wrongs, never good enough, blah blah blah. I have actually cut ties multiple times and foolishly allowed her back into my life even with the advice of a professional telling me she was a toxic figure in my life. When she turned her cruel nature towards my son who did not understand why grammy didn’t want to let him hug her I finally broke all connections. For many years I woke in tears reliving arguments and other difficult memories, have been suicidal, insomnia, have bounced around to a few other states to put distance between me and them and generally was a lost soul for a time. Long story short, almost a decade later since I made the final break I am still very much affected by the bs and have been diagnosed with childhood trauma PTSD, anxiety and depression. I did finally get into therapy though, which has helped in some respects I suppose. I was able to break the cycle with my own son however, thankfully and by the grace of God. He’s affectionate and has an open personality. My mother did teach me what kind of a mother I did NOT want to be, If I try see a positive out of the situation I guess that would be it. It was by making an oath to my unborn child way back when that I would never let he or she feel inadequate, unwanted or question the purpose of being brought into the world. I can’t say for sure I was absolutely successful but I don’t think I was a complete failure.

    My one regret…time has not taken much off the edge of hatred that I still hold for my mother.

  102. skktk

    My name is Kristina and even I too have a toxic relatn with my mom…. As though she is my own mom but sometimes she really makes me feel worst daughter in the world. I was 12 years old since I was suffering a lot. My mom she alwyz wanted me to get scolded from peoples and e n from my dad. Shez making my day hell and shez not letting me to live my lyf with my own…I alwyz wanted to b close with her but she never behave lyk that…she alwyz make me to come as cross off the problems and to get rid of this house…she used to tear my clothes and used to complaint about me to dad and always used to bit me..she never gave me the opportunity to stay happily in my lyf….so plzzz I just want to get help from u if u can then please help me……I’m still suffering her bad abusing words her bittings and complaints… Please Amy if u can dn help me…..

  103. Am Zaliha Abdullahi

    Hi,am Zaliha Abdullahi by name,,
    have the most terrible relationship with my mum,I never had the love of a mother Ever since I was four years old,have grew up on my own, my elder sis has always been the favourite, my mum and my elder sis will always instigate my dad who loves me,lie about me to him,no one talks to me at home, I talk to friends just to be OK with a smile.
    my story is yet to be untold.

  104. Hannah

    Im crying reading this. Im feeling sad for everyone here with similar experiences but somehow also relived that Im not alone 🙁
    Me and my mum have argued all my life, she fights so aggressively towards me and she brings out my worst sides, sides of me that I hate 🙁 Im turning 28 this year and currently living with my parents because Im very sick, and having this toxic up and down- situation with my mum does not make things any better for my health situation.
    Does anyone have any tips on how I can work on my patience?
    Until I can move out of here I need to try more to keep my cool and patience and walk away/hide but I dont know how… Because she brings out all my anger (that I carry inside because I’m injured) and it makes me even more angry that she cant just pull it together and be extra nice now when im sick and all 🙁

  105. Kimberly

    My situation is a little different, I’m 44 and my father was in an accident when I was 3 months old leaving him a quadraplegic. My mother took on the roll as bread winner. And my father to tend to me. Which surprisingly he did as I took on the role of caregiver in a way to him. Cooking fried eggs jumping on counter to get his stuff etc. When I had just turned 7 he had another accident and died. I can remember my mother sitting in the middle of the room surrounded by people and I asked what’s wrong and she simply said your dad’s dead. They had separated the last few months he was alive. She took me to the funeral home and made me touch him and it was like I had touched an electric fence my hand shot away so fast. I can remember feeling that wasn’t my dad laying there. I was 7 years old… I got caught crying and was told to stop that baby stuff. I never shed another year. Not during his funeral, not when his father wouldn’t acknowledge me from across the street as I screamed “hi grandpa”. Not when my paternal grandmother looked at me with no more love than she had for a dog. I grew up in a very small town less than 800 people. Everyone knew everything. 4 weeks after he passed my mother moved in her first boyfriend. A pool hustler who never had a job and smoked lots of weed. To which she still swears she didn’t know he did. My father was nothing like him, a decorated veteran of Vietnam. Years pass and different men move in and out averaging 1-2 a year. My mother managed the only hang out and place to eat in town. And most days I was there stuck in the storage room for an entire day with strict instructions I was not to come out fronand get in the way. At 11 she decided I was old enough to waitress and cook. I can remember actually being alone during the week to run the restaurant it was slow and I could do both cook and serve and no need to pay someone else. Around 14 she found her a new boyfriend, he could fix all the machines at work. But he didn’t technically work. He hated me and I felt the same. My first real anger I ever really felt for my mother was she had went to work one summer day and I was stuck alone with him. Now we lived in the real country. I was VERY alone. He had told me to clean the table and I was watching something on tv and said I’d do it in a minute. He decided that wasn’t good enough and came at me with a belt. I fought with all I had kicking and punching. This went on for what seemed forever until he gave up and I bolted to my room. With him screaming you little bitch I’m gonna beat your ass. I wait for hours until he leaves and I run to phone calling my mother hysterical and tell her what happened. Her response was I’m sure you deserved it. I was hurt my legs black and blue from him grabbing and me kicking. She never will know exactly how bad that hurt me saying that. Time goes on he gets booted and she finds a man 2 hours away. I actually don’t mind him he only comes visits never living with us. I am her only child. I am however left alone most weekends to spend the night alone in the country. As many teens figure out that’s a recipe for disaster. I had the biggest parties. I also found the local pretty boy with bad reputation. All my childhood she would poke me in the belly and laugh while saying “Pillsbury dough boy” so at this point I’m 5’9 and 115 lbs I was a beautiful girl on the outside but dead on the inside. At 17 I met my husband now of 26 years, 18 we married and soon had our son. Things seemed OK her boyfriend lived very close to the town I moved to when we married. We actually had a decent relationship. 4 years pass I have our daughter. At this point we have an altercation over I didn’t feel right my kids calling her boyfriend Grandpa that was my father’s privilege and his alone. And I actually like her boyfriend he is wealthy takes her on trips treats her very well. 12 years pass and I get a call telling me about this weirdo who’s parked in her pasture and slept there all night in his car. Her exact words was he grew up here (she still manages restaurant and lives there) he’s just strange and gives me uneasy feeling. 3 days later he’s moved in with her and she breaks it off with her longest relationship boyfriend. I’m floored. I go down for some reason 2 hours away to see her she had just built a huge restaurant of her own. He wants to meet me. My mother is a beautiful woman breathtaking. Up walks a man who is nowhere near her level. His mother is the town but job and she’s literally crazy. He’s driving an 82 Ford Taurus that has rusted most of its paint off. I sit down and get informed he is with my mother and nothing I can do to change it. Well I hadn’t even said anything but OK. He then says she don’t need anyone but me. Hmmm OK my mother has always been a very independent self sufficient woman. Within the year we have another daughter. And a huge fallout over him being Grandpa. I couldn’t even give birth to her peaceful I had asked him not to be in labor room and my mother even said no need for him to come. HE COMES AND STAYS! My mother has never had my kids now 16, 12 and newborn overnight. My daughter begs to go stay 2 weeks with her. I strictly say she’s not to be left alone all day while you work or never left with him. I get a phone call and I know my daughter is unhappy but she won’t say because she don’t want me mad. The next morning I get another call but she’s crying and wants to come home. When I get there in record time she’s locked herself in a room while he beat on the door calling her every name he can. I look at my mother and she just shrugs. I go talk with my daughter who’s beyond upset and piece together the day’s events. And I completely blow up. I tell my mother she may have done that shit and put every man before me and never taken up for me with them but I refuse to let you do it to my daughter. He follows me trying to block my way back into house and now my grandparents had passed my mother took their very large house with lots of land and cattle. He’s blocking me to get into my grandparents home. I hurt him as I definitely know how to fight like a man. My mother and I didn’t talk for 3 years. IM HER ONLY CHILD HER GRANDSON GRADUATES SHE SAYS NOTHING. My aunt who’s 18 years younger than her calls and says she’s in hospital. I rush to her and she cries and he glared. I stay until she’s settled and when she falls asleep I’m informed she don’t need me I can go home. I wait till she wakes up and ask her about it and she says no I don’t feel that way but since he does OK. I’m her only child. I learn she has sold her restaurant, he now drives a CORVETTE, A BRAND NEW DUALLY TRUCK , A JEEP AND A COUPLE MORE. PLUS BOUGHT LAND IN MONTANA. Now it’s years later and I have figured out he doesn’t want me around her, or her grandkids. He has severely changed her. She has no friends, goes nowhere and if she does he has to go. She has never been to a play dance recital, sports game, graduation, or any function for her grandkids. And when confronted about letting him by with calling me names or texting me weird stuff acting Ike her , she says I just let it go and don’t worry about it. She’s the town joke with literally everyone saying is she blind? He’s so weird or creepy. By the way he’s never worked since they met. But drives a CORVETTE! And now after our latest argument he keeps acting like her on her only cell phone that he keeps I show he’s caught . Lol I should know it’s my fault it’s made up. I’m smart but can’t text from phone he has while I’m with you. I leave before we have our holiday diner. She cries as if upset but never says it’s OK my daughter’s witnessed this and oldest said mamaw you should of never had children. My aunt calls and actually sides with me but tells me I need to let it go. I have been letting it go since I was 7!!!! OH and she adds you do know she had it fixed to where if she dies before him he gets to stay in my grandparents house for rest of his life. Now this has made me a very strong person but I have not cried since 7, I am a complete loner, I do not like people other than my kids and husband touching me. I only let people so close to knowing me then put up a wall. And my mother is just a person to me. I cant remember feeling loved I was always the weird kid who don’t have a dad. My maternal grandparents I even felt like an outsider. How can I give love to someone who never taught me it’s OK to love. How can I not love my mother?

  106. Michael

    My mother cant afford a house so for the last couple of years she has been living with her mom, but due to so much arguing netween everyone im scared that my grangmother will kick my mom and little brother out of the house. I feel that if i do anyrhing ill make the situation worse. I need some advice

  107. Zennia

    This article feels like someone walked into my life and is narrating it . I’m a 15 year old female living in Washington state and can’t wait too move out . I love photography and want to be a graphic designer one day .i want to live in a big ranch house when I’m older. It feels like it’s reading my future relationship with my own mother . She’s exactly like this . A difference would be that I have a physcopath sister who’s diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar disorder (not diagnosed physcopath but I’m assuming due that all her behavior traits and symptoms match) and she has ruined everything , manipulated us for her own selfish needs , she’s used my mother disrespected her ran away , much more . She used to agree with me about my mother , she used to be at the end of her emotional abuse as well but now tables have turned and she’s against me too . I was always the one that put up with everything and stayed put no matter what . I know I probably had a few episodes as a teenager but what teenager doesn’t ? Besides that i was never a trouble maker my sister has always gotten in trouble with the law and her school even though she’s only 13 and even though that has made my mom give her all her attention and love i never complained I sucked it up and knew my sister needed it more than I did . It just seems like my mom forgotten who was always there for her when my younger sister tried to deport her and lied about child abuse when she turned her friends moms against her ,fed her therapist lies about her , told her she wished she would die and that she hated her, disrespected her dead grandmother and made her cry infront of our stepdad and me . Keep in mind these are only a few from the very long list . Now they both talk shit about me together behind my back and rub it in my face . They’re so toxic I cry and cry until my I feel like I might throw up and my heart hurts and I feel so betrayed and worthless . I have so many breakdowns I loose count . I try to stay strong emotionally but all this is killing me . As I grow older I realize my mother has various symptoms of a borderline personality disorder , adhd , anger management issues , and a bipolar disorder . I have no other family ,my dad abondoned us and other family members (too long to explain ) who have left us when we needed them the most . I always knew my mom had a mental illness or that she wasn’t like other moms but i thought how she hit us sometimes or got mad over very little things or screamed and got aggressive, how she manipulated and controlled all the aspects of my life was normal and that we just got her mad and that we deserved it . There are a lot of bad memories that consume my childhood and I know have scarred me . I can name so many occasions where she has abused us and I thought it was okay because she was my mother and we were the daughters and we deserved to be punished . I think since she never had any control over her own life as a child and got abused by all her siblings she abused her power as a mother . I never thought she would hurt me intentionally like this . It hurts . She causes me so many anxiety and panic attacks I feel so nervous and unsafe around her because you never know when she will snap and start acting out . I’ve confronted her about how I feel and she has just brushed it off , screamed , blamed me say it’s my fault im depressed and say that I don’t hold account for the things I do . That it’s not her fault . She will manipulate me and make me feel crazy like it’s all my fault . She doesn’t let me talk and cuts me off getting angry and threatening me so I cant say anything . When I do talk she’s doesnt really listen and Insists she’s right I’m always wrong . After I told her how I feel she went to go tell my sister everything and now she has tooken upon herself to tell me everything they say together about me and that they hate me and that I’m lazy fat ugly and worthless and that IM THE PSYCHOPATH cause I don’t show emotions to them . The reason I don’t show any emotional reaction to them or talk to them about anything because they either say it was my fault or that I’m so stupid and dumb and argue with everything I say and start a fight out of thin air . All They do is try to put me down and I just want to leave . My whole life has been episodes of shitty things happening and I’m not saying none of it is my fault because I will have accountability of what I cause but my mom is supoosed to be there to make me feel loved and that she cares and guide me but I feel unloved and that no matter what I do it’s not good enough that I’m not good enough and that I’m by myself that I’m raising myself. My mother has had such a take on my self esteem and I’m so afraid about turning out like her when I’m older I don’t want to have kids . Now there will be moments when she’s the sweetest mother and I absolutely love her and rethink all my thoughts about her like “was I exaggerating ? She’s my mother what was I thinking “ and she will be so considerate, loving , understanding and for once show some empathy but then she goes back to being her usual self and I go back to being distant with her. last year I tried to commit suicide . A enormous factor of it had to do with my home life . Of course it was my decision no one forced me too but i was just at a point in my life where I didn’t want to be at home and I knew I couldn’t legally leave or have anyone else to go and I coudnt take it anymore . I went outside and looked at my home , the place I was supposed to call home but never felt that way about it . I sat on a lawn chair and just sat there looking at the clouds and beautiful sky , thinking to myself I really am ready to die . I took one last look and heard my last sounds , the birds chirping , cars driving by , distant sounds of children playing and went back inside . I took a whole bottle of pills and swallowed with a big glass of water . I went back outside and just breathed in fresh air with a hint of Mary Jane in it (were very poor and live in a shitty neighborhood and a ghetto town) I started sobbing . I was out there for about a hour when I changed my mind last minute and put a toothbrush down my throat a threw up all 100 sleeping pills I took (pills due to my insomnia) . I layed sobbing on the bathroom floor for I don’t know how long and then went to pass out on the couch . I never told a soul not even my best friend . I wasn’t sure if Throwing up would prevent me from overdosing or not because I had done a lot of research and found out at times it takes a couple hours to od . I regreted throwing up the pills and just layed on the sofa wishing I would die . My mom soon came home and I was sick and still sick for the next few days having od symptoms of hard hurtful headaches , stomach aches so painful and was just miserable . She saw my red face on the couch , clearly upset and NO I wasn’t looking for attention simply I was in a weird daze almost as a I was high I wasn’t thinking straight and felt like I was half asleep so I passed out on the couch . Any ways she saw something was wrong and didn’t care didn’t ask . Instead she took it upon herself to yell and scream at me for a little thing I’ve done , takes away my phone and yell some more for being so lazy and never doing shit . My sister backed her up and I stayed silent willing myself to sleep . There’s way more to this story and to my life story including more details that explain my living situation and my toxic relationship with her. Anyways , this article made me see I’m not the only one and as sad i am that anyone else has to put up with this I’m also relived I’m not the only one. I know god heard my prayer and it would just mean a lot if Anyone could reach out and tell me some of their experiences or advice or if I’m actually just the crazy one because I need to know .

  108. Vie

    Reading this article and reading other comments helped me realize I’m not the only one. I love my mom and dad, but I had to distance myself from them when I turned 41 because I didn’t have the energy for my parents. My mom gets irrational , picks fights out of the blue and blames me for her health problems and my dad is also there with her adding to the negativity and not giving me emotional support. For as long as I can remember all my momentum occasions were marred by my mothers irrational tantrums: my college graduation, my engagement, my wedding, the birth of my first born all of those times where we should be celebrating I am left in tears and she is packing her bags leaving our place. I worked so hard for all I have achieved yet somewhere in the back of my head I think can I celebrate when my mom will just ruin the moment? Having read about narcissistic mothers she is textbook and I now understand about why she is the way she is, but I just don’t know if its a good idea to have her in my life. Its hard for others to comprehend because they meet my parents and they think they are so charming and they are when they are in a good mood, but towards me they are different. Towards my brother they doted on him and enabled him and treated me different and mocked me. It was hard growing up in their household, but thankful my little brother was a great comfort and he and I were always on each others team. To those who wonder why their mom is acting a certain way and emotional immaturity prevents the mom from being able to process your feelings when they have hurt you, it helps to attend counseling and you will discover this isn’t about you. Instead your mother has issues she doesn’t want to deal with so she takes it out on you.

  109. Santina

    I’m going through something similar..well I have been but I just had no idea I thought it was all me and that I’m just not good enough. I was born and bred in Europe. My family had me by mistake and some of the times growing up when i messed up I would be called a mistake by my father. I grew up being told not to lose my virginity till marriage because that’s not what good girls do. I grew up sheltered. I always was fed and clothed. I was unable to go out on my own not until I had turned 19. At the age of 16, both my parents had set me up with who was then my HS sweetheart because he was Sicilian and my mother and his mother were friends. That was a complete catastrophe. I was always taught good manners and to always present yourself myself well to others otherwise they would be judged as bad parents. I was always told to go to school so I would have a better job, but noe because it would open me up as a person. At that time I was 17 and my family and I had no money for college so I stayed home and worked full time..and gave my whole check to my mother…that occurred for 13 years, cause that’s what good kids do. I was always told it would be shame on them if I left the home before being married and that’s not what good girls do. I was yelled at when things weren’t done right and that’s when i would be called a failure. At the age of 19, after being an only child for that long; my sister was brought into this world. I didn’t accept it but my father had neglected my mother regarding kids for a really long time, so i thought this would be happiness for my mother. One day he decided he would be able to provide and had my sister. She was wanted she was longed for. It took me a long time to accept her being around but it happened and she’s my whole life. At the age of 20 I wasn’t able to do my thing with friends or coworkers because i had to babysit my sister while my parents went to prayer/church. Cause that’s what good kids do and if i complained my mother would tell me…”Then why did i have your sister for?” Good kids help their parents out all the time cause that’s how the grace of God can touch your life. At the age of 24 i was manipulated y my boss and he introduced me to the world of BDSM. My parents knew about him but not on what I would do. Years later i took the right steps and made him pay for it. On my counselor’s behalf it looks like he knew he could do it cause he understood i was naive and also that i longed for a male attention because my father had never given me attention when I was little. In fact, he was never at dance recitals or birthdays…he was always working.
    When I was younger my parents would always say grow up! you’re not good! you need to be better! you need to go to school! you need to help me with this!
    I’ve been a translator for my parents for 17 years and i still don’t get why I get bound to do all those things for them…you know why? Otherwise I’m told i am a bad person and that is not what they raised me to be.
    My father comes from a christian blood line and my mom followed that line ever since she experienced a loss in the family. So now they read the bible and have no communication or relationship with me but especially my sister. There are no lets go out because it’s Sunday. They have a steady life and nothing is ever happening. no trips…cause they have no idea where to go and how to project what they need to do. However they hang out with their group of people that are more steady than them. My sister is starting her life in the IEP program and teachers are telling me (cause i take care of her scholastic life) that she is insecure and not open. These teachers sound just like mine back in the day. I’m willing to give my soul to the devil just so that my sister doesn’t go what i had to go through. Now I’m 29 and moving out with my boyfriend. He’s the one that opened my eyes about this because he’s been around long enough to see how my parents “work”. He’s seen how they are with me when he’s around and how they are with my sister. Now my mother, especially her, she has a hard time to even talk to me because now I know what bad she caused in my life. I’ve become a terrible teenager and I don’t care how she feels. I say it how it is. I think why I do that is because I’ve succumbed to enough and I always had to be better so people would see them as good parents who raised their daughter right. I’m tired of her wants and needs…what about mine. Why didn’t they raise me to be self sustainable. Why did i have to do this all on my own? They thought their complaints would bring me up a better person instead i feel like i had to do that all on my own. Why did i have to find this out now and not before. Why don’t they know that their insults have been nothing but sabotages for my life?

  110. TT

    This sounds like my mother but unfortunately my mother plays mind games as well. I’ve always known my mother was crazy. My mother thinks the government is listening through her walls in the house(she would force me to whisper and write down stuff that I wanted to say while in our house), she used stay celebrities were stalking her and she’s a millionaire but her ex-husband stole her money. She also has delusions saying people are standing outside her window and someone came into our house and stole BLEACH. My mother abused me mentally, physically and emotionally as a child and still tries today(I’m 27 years old). As a child after she got finished beating me, calling me names or accusing me of messing around with guys she would force me to hug her, buy me fancy clothes, or get mad at me for being mad. She said she loved me SOOOO much after treating me like crap and would threaten to kill herself and my absent father if anything happened to me. The accusations of me sleeping around started very early…I was around 9 years old when she started thinking this. I didn’t even kiss a boy until I was in college because I was so scared of her. She would wake me up in the middle of the night and beat me out of bed if she saw me even talking to me. I always wanted a loving relationship with my mother but every time I confided in her about things she would use it against me later saying I was a bad person. Current day…I moved an hour away from her and she’s VERY lonely(she has no friends, doesn’t talk to her family or a mate because she’s very suspicious and paranoid of people she doesn’t like ANYONE but me) even after telling her several times she texts me everyday all day and my husband too. At this point I’m married now and my husband isn’t having ANY of her abuse. She’s insulted both me and my husband multiple times the 4 years together and my husband is at his wits end. My mother will be a bitch and then next thing you know she’ll buy us stuff we never asked for(she never apologizes for anything). My husband told me the next time she even says something out of the way to him he’s punching her in the face; bully her like she builled me. He’s very anti-bully he doesn’t like when people pick on those who can’t defend themselves and I’m scared they will fight so I keep them separate. It’s a hard existence. I wish I knew what mental disorder my mother had. I wish I could fix it but I can’t. I wish she was normal and we had a normal relationship but I realize that’s not going to happen. She doesn’t admit to ANY abuse she claims she was a great mother to me. I don’t like my mother at all. I don’t if I should cut her out of my life or what.

  111. samira khasir

    I’m a 16 year old girl and from a young age me and my mum have never gotten on well. For as long as I can remember she has called me names such as fat, overweight, chubby, ugly, and once I even heard her call me a Bitch. I tell my dad this but sometimes he’s says I’m in the wrong because I say back to her stuff like, your no better looking then I am coz ur a fat cow as well. But I just don’t think he understands. he gets angry at me for calling those things to my mum however what she says to me is worse. and she calls me these things on a daily basis. also if shes not calling me names she compares to my friends or people I’m not even friends with.
    The thing is, some days she can be nice and be the loving mum I remember from a young age but then some days or like a couple of hours later, its like a switch goes off in her brain and she starts being mean and critizing me. I’ve really has enough and at my age I shouldn’t be dealing with this. All my friends and my mums friends think shes so nice and sweet and loving but she just hides her true self from them. I can’t talk about this with my friends, not even my bestest friends because I will feel stupid and I don’t want to drag them into something they don’t need to be a part of.
    I also think I am on the first stage of depression. I hate myself., I feel like ive made my parents and my whole families life miserable since the day I was born and I also think the world would be a better place without my in it. I also forgot to mention that I’m an only child and its only me my mum and my dad that live in the house. However my dad works everyday and doesn’t come home to early hours in the morning so he is never able to witness anything that happens.
    If I tell my dad the next day of what happened then my mum makes up excuses saying that I don’t something to her first. I really can’t take any of this anymore. Also I don’t know if this is important but I was born by a C-section and my mum has post natal depression with me.

  112. degi

    I am Degi, 26 years old. it could be a little bit of embarrassing to complain about my parents at my age while i am old enough t understand this thing and also complaints about parents are usually taboo to talk out loud in the public in my country too which is Mongolia since this is counted as disrespect to out tradition.But at this point, i feel that i really should do something to fix this relationship with my mom. She’s 58 years old, she has been doctor for all her life ever since 25. Maybe it’s really related to her professional thing that she overact at every single small symptom or a little pain like scar on me that she says things like that OMG! you’re going to die if you don’t take this medicine or that medicine which is freaking annoying because most of the time, other doctors say after their medical inspection that i am totally and completely healthy physically and mentally from every single aspect. Even this is illegal to take antibiotic on every single aspect without doctor’s prescription. But she’s doctor herself. Yes, she was single mom and such a strong character, she accomplished things that others couldn’t do that most of moms in my country can’t educate their child in Turkey and Germany since this is developing country, most of people don’t give so mouch significance to education and culture as her, but she did. i am grateful for what she did. but i didn’t take education with help of her money, since i was young, i was bright student , i studied with 100 percent scholarship. Since medical help can be performed by licensed people anywhere, my mom always picks up on my health condition, tries to make treatment herself at home. Sometimes i refuse strongly and argue with her most of the time and even end up saying “are you mentally ill ?, stop it! i am totally fine “. Since i am not a kid, i wouldn’t possible take sprinkle and needle of vitamin complex with coming from her. But it’s really hard sometimes. Sometimes i think she could be mentally ill. But i am afraid that’s not the case because she runs small, certainly sophisticated person in other fields in life, has many friends and has a healthy life style. But she thinks and tries crazy treatments on me but i can’t ignore other many doctors’ s diagnosis that i am totally okey and healthy. Another thing is that i am Economist and work at a big company called Khan bank in here. She’s doctor. When she knows nothing about my career and my profession , she always intervene into it and being way too much nosy into it, gives me bunch of unnecessary advice everyday which really reached at ,my nerve these days. how could i deal with 10 missed calls during the work hours every day ? this is really annoying… ever since i was 18, i lived alone abroad for many years like 7 years, recently i came back here last year. Ever since then, seeing her really stresses me out.She always sets high standards for me, saying such things like why didn’t you stay in Germany and work there permanently ? why did you waste my money for nothing which i used to take some money from her for clothes sometimes ? Actually i ever had freedom to wear the style i want in my country when i was beside until 18. She buys clothes and makes me wear them. saying things like that why did you come back to Mongolia ? at this point, sometimes really can’t understand her. is she really worried about me ? in Germany , Turkey, Italy , i never felt like at home, not even at once, i always used to ask myself that does it really worth being here and there ? in end , i would be back in Mongolia for rest of my life and i feel that i can’t leave this country. How can one be happy rootlessly i foreign country. she wanted me marry off with foreign , rich husband she once told me which is really annoying . half of me cares for her so much, half of me hate her so much which makes me want to slap her and say “wake up”. PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE

  113. Ellie Hamilton

    Thank you so much for sharing this.

    “You’re Not Crazy, It’s Your Mother” is another really helpful book I found.

  114. Jessica McGraw

    Dear Amy
    My mom has totally ruined my life I was 17 when I got with my ex And he was in his late 30s. (Don’t judge). And she didn’t like him for some reason or another he treated me like a queen until he went to jail and. My mom forced me to cheat on him say that I need to find a better man here why don’t you go with this one right in front of the guy as tho to put me on the spot and she said that if i didn’t she would send me to her family in California and besides he hasn’t written you he doesn’t care about you. keep in mind I’m in Texas and I was afraid Because I was confused because I didn’t want to leave him because I loved him so i did what my mom wanted I slept with the guy while my ex was in jail. He was writing to me but at the time i didn’t know he was writing me because I NEVER saw his letters well how I found out that he was writing me is because he told his sister to ask if i was mad at him and she asked me and I said no but I’m worried about him because he hasn’t written me and his sister said yes he has been writing you he said you haven’t written him back and I ran home while my parents where at the store and I found all his letters hidden behind the couch my mom to this day still denies putting them There she gose as low as to blame it on my dead grandpa or on my aunt or are poor dead ex landlord and the mail man and when my ex got out of jail I found out that guy my mom forced me to sleep with was my ex’s cousin. When my ex found out what i did I got beat up every day.

    And now I’m with my kids dad and when he went any where alone my mom and her friends would tell me he is on the country roads having sex with other women and one day my kids dad went to take are friend to the store and my mom’s friend told my mom that my mom’s friend saw my kids day hugging and kissing and holding are friends hand I found out from my best friend that was a lie. And are friend that my kids dad took to the store won’t talk to me never again.

    And my mom even controlled my dad in to telling me that if i ever want inherit my dads ranch I have to leave my common law husband my kids dad.

  115. Kira Danny

    I need someone’s advice. If I plan to go to college and my parents refuse to drive me, but they get mad when someone else drives me what should I do?

  116. Jd

    It took me 50 years to realize my mom is toxic and it also affected my youngest child and I feel I failed my child for allowing a toxic person live with us.
    I was told by her brother and sister and all my children to ask her to live on her own for years. Even my friend who knows the real person behind the nice mom/grandma image she tried to be told me she is toxic. I am waiting for her to move out soon so I can live a toxic free life. She is playing the victim and people who do not know are thinking I am a bad daughter. I wish I never took her in my life and let her live on her own. I took care of her for so long and she could care less, I do all the household chores and work full time. I want to stay as far away as possible from her.

  117. Haley

    This is almost my mom to a t! I left home as a 17 year old, I’ve been with my now husband since I was 16. For three years until I got married and pregnant I didn’t speak to her hardly, at 19 I had my first son and we moved back home from Florida to NC. Everything was semi okay until we would have to spend to much time together, we went on a family trip together and she straight up told me I wasn’t being patient enough with my toddler and was belittling me the entire time, telling me I wasn’t good enough. When I told her to stop doing what she was doing she blew up!!! My 2nd stepdad told me I was in the right…and she was blowing it all out of proportion. Flashforward to hurricane Florence recently… my husband, child and myself are evacuating to Arkansas – my husband is a schizophrenic for a back story and doesn’t take shit from anyone – he will walk away if given the chance but if he’s in a confinded space he will lose it. My mom starts in with her shit in a car, it’s a 35 curvy road- I’m pregnant and In the front seat, my husband is telling her to stop, my toddler (now 3 1/2) is telling nana to stop yelling. She hit 60 and is whipping it around curves. Then slams on the breaks and starts screaming at him and naturally he’s screaming at her. I’m trying to mediate and get her to listen and told My husband to get out of the car and now she’s in a panic attack fit and says she’d rather kill her self than live in the same state as me and that she’d rather just be completely unhappy. Then wants to get mad when I say I’ll stay so she can be happy.! My husband picks some flowers with my son who he removed from the situation to give to my mom. She then tells me he’s just like josh (her second husband – who was a methhead alcoholic who beat her) because my husband got in her face (he didn’t hit her and had never laid hands on me). She’s now trying to find old girlfriends from his sophomore and junior year of high school!! 7 almost 8 years ago!!!!! To prove he’s abusive and controlling. I hadn’t talked to my mom in a month except for a few texts. She finally got to see her grandson only because he was asking about her, and he had a play date at the park. My husband pulled up the car to where I was so I could just get in and my mom says oh look he moved the car to make sure I wasn’t saying anything. As she’s buckling my child into her car…. as a child she never put me on anxiety medicine (then told me later it was teachers job to reassure her I needed it) even though she’s on multiple medicines for anxiety and depression. I was never depressed or anxious, I was lying. I broke my ankle/fractured my foot to the point it was black. She told me I was being dramatic and didn’t take me for almost a month!!!!! About three months later she ended up fracturing her arm and immediately went to the hospital because she was in so much pain…. it was unbearable. ? she also used to be obsessive about cleaning. And if I didn’t always have my room in top shape she was MAD. It wasn’t like a disaster… just normal teen rooms… we weren’t allowed food or cups in our room, just water bottles.she would go in my room and throw things away that were on the floor. I was scared to make a B in school for fear I wasn’t good enough. She always throws the your just like your dad in my face. And never says anything good about him. Toxic.

  118. Amy

    Hi Amy. I know this is an old post but I’m going through a similar situation currently. My only question is do you still have an ongoing relationship with your stepfather? If so, how do you manage without your mom meddling?

  119. Marko

    This sounds exactly like my mother… Very sad, but hey you can’t have everything in life…

  120. Anonymous

    This page describes my mom, the offensive comments and physical violence including the shaking.

  121. roger Glass

    My mom is narcissistic controlling selfish and blames the world for her problems i moved in to help take care of my day both are in their 80’s.
    I left an ok place where i had friends. moved to an isolated town where I have almost zero supports . Now I am stuck I am an adult male and have zero outs here.
    In 2 years when I turn 60 I am out of here .
    My dad is passive aggressive and bound to a walker cause he is and always has been a fat useless lump.
    People say I am supposed to honor and respect my parents.
    They do not respect me. They constantly grill me for information about people around town so they can gossip and spread lies.
    My parents are extremely toxic and after 10 years of therapy I felt I could be the adult and help them out no way I should of told them to ____ ___ long time ago.
    Anyone that says I owe my parents anything is absolutely wrong and has zero idea what I go through. It is a living hell.

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