True Story: I Cheated on My Husband

Have you ever cheated on your husband? Would you? Click through for an interview with a cheating spouse.

This is one of many True Story interviews in which we talk to people who have experienced interesting/amazing/challenging things. This is the story of Jo, her marriage, and her affair. I imagine that many readers have strong feelings about marriage and fidelity. I really appreciate Jo’s candor and her willingness to do this non-anonynmous interview. We’re going to keep the comments respectful, right?

Could you tell us a bit about your romantic/relationship history? Were your parents happily married?
The short answer here is : no. My parents divorced when I was 3 and have both been married 3 times to very different people with very different family dynamics resulting each time. From a young age I wanted to fully experience another person, build something, expand one another’s lives.

And I did – with some boyfriends it was sexual growth or emotional growth, or it was intellectual, but I was never able to connect on multiple levels with one person.

Tell us about the man you married.
A complicating and important part of this story is my health. I went undiagnosed with Celiac disease from ages 12 – 28 and it was extremely debilitating most of the time. I was having a particularly difficult time in college, and it was about a year in that I met and began my relationship with my husband.

He was older than I and extremely intelligent, responsible, and self-assured. He wanted to be a support to me and I found his presence very comforting.

How long had you been married when you began to have the affair? Were you actively unhappy in your marriage?
About a year into our relationship I started really focusing on getting well. I didn’t want to curtail my life anymore. I wanted to be healthy and able to be myself, and I thought my husband would embrace this.

But he seemed threatened by it and became very judgmental. I think he liked our reserved life (which felt very restricted to me) and didn’t want it to change. I continued trying to include him. So I wouldn’t say I was wildly happy but I wasn’t unhappy – I figured we were just working through some things and I hoped he would come around.

Could you tell us about the man you had the affair with? How did you meet him? How was he different from your husband? Did he know you were married?
I met him while still in college, we were in a photography class together. I remember so clearly the day I met him, he walked into the room and I felt this wave of energy.

I had never seen him before, but somehow I recognized him…I just knew he was supposed to be in my life. He was talented, funny, and engaging. He encouraged my photography and I think I did some of my best work during that time.

We became inseparable, but nothing physical happened at first. He knew I was married, but we didn’t talk about it. I hoped this intense love I felt for him would dissipate, but it never did. I felt guilty about my feelings but overwhelmed by them at the same time.

We were working together in the darkroom one night and he was playing one of his CDs while we worked. A blues song was playing and the man sang “If you can find love don’t trade it for silver, don’t trade it for gold” and at that moment we looked at each other.

We just stood there staring at each other, and I knew in my gut that I couldn’t walk away from him. He walked over to me and I kissed him. The wave of chemistry was incredible, I didn’t feel sick or tired anymore, I felt alive.

How did you rationalize the affair in your mind?
I knew that having an affair was wrong. I felt sneaky and dishonest and I wanted to end my marriage immediately. But I would doubt myself and hesitate. I didn’t want my husband to be hurt, I at least didn’t want it to be any more painful than it had to be. Every moment I spent with my husband in my “regular life” felt like a farce, like I was cheating on the person I really loved.

What did the affair give you that your marriage didn’t?
Everything. My marriage was based on me being sick and my husband being in control of our life together. It sounds simplistic, but that is the point it got to – I would try to reason with him and he would shut me out or be derisive. I was hurt but also confused – I was trying to improve my life and I wanted him to be apart of it.

For instance, his dismissal of my dreams of going to Africa or focusing on my photography hurt me deeply. I felt ashamed and then resentful. It was almost the polar opposite of what I experienced in my affair.

How did you keep it from your husband?
My husband was always very involved in his work and that hadn’t changed. He had said he would deal with me again when I was done trying to be someone I wasn’t. At this point,  we were just going through the motions. I was still very careful and discrete. I didn’t like the sneaking around, it made me so uncomfortable.

How did this end?
Three months into my affair I left my husband. I got my own place and was finally able to be open about my new relationship. I never missed my ex-husband or my old life. My health was certainly not perfect, but it was improving. And I was finally free to be myself without a constant judge and jury, that alone was an amazing change.

However, I wanted to be incorporated into my boyfriend’s life in ways that I hadn’t been before; and that was difficult for him. He said he had trouble trusting that he was anything other than a fling to me, and he held me at arm’s length to avoid the possibility of getting hurt.

Now that I’ve known him for years I can see that this is an issue for him. No matter how hard I tried to show him how much he meant to me he just couldn’t let this guard down. I had never felt so misunderstood, and I wondered if he was even capable of loving me the way I loved him.

Over the next year, we had some amazing times but we were also always testing each other. Looking back, we agree that if we had met in a different way things could have worked out. That doesn’t change the fact that we were pivotal in each other’s lives – we stayed dear friends – and so we know the connection is real.

Great love comes in many forms, ours didn’t end the way I thought it would, but that doesn’t take away from its import. The unavoidable truth is that I am a better person for having loved him and I’m honored to say he feels the same way about me.

What advice would you give to someone who is unhappy in their marriage and considering an affair?
It can be such a difficult and complex situation but here are some truths I took away from my experience….

1) Have an affair with yourself first. This doesn’t mean you should be self-obsessed, it means you deserve your own love and respect as much as anyone else in your life. That way you will find out who you are and what you want. If I had committed to being well enough to be myself in the first place, maybe I never would have gotten married at all.

2) I believe this with ever fiber of my being: you can control your actions, but you cannot control who you love.

3) Be brave – sometimes you just need to jump. If you are in a relationship and “the one” walks into your life be willing to cut ties and pursue it outright. My affair was my hesitation to set my old life on fire and begin anew. I knew what I wanted that night in the darkroom – I should have acted then.

True love doesn’t happen every day. This isn’t to say that we all only have one great love – because I don’t think that’s true- but if you know in your gut you are meant to be with someone be willing to soul search honestly, and end one story before you begin another.

Have you ever cheated on a partner? Any (respectful!) questions for Jo?

P.S. If you have some unhealthy habits when it comes to your romantic relationships, this might help. And it’s free!

Photo by nic on Unsplash

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  1. Amber-Rose

    "You can control your actions, but you cannot control who you love."

    I agree with this wholeheartedly. 🙂

  2. Amber

    I can identify with your boyfriend's feelings of mistrust. I once had a relationship with a man who cheated on his long-time girlfriend to be with me. We had a serious attraction off and on for a few years (and I'd say it still comes and goes even though we see each other very infrequently) but his infidelity to her was the main reason I never pursued anything more with him.

    Thanks for sharing your story.

  3. Anonymous

    Thank you so much for sharing this. This sounds a lot like my story. This just recently happened to me.

    I am married but my husband was living in England and I was living here in US waiting for my visa. We had met and been married overseas in South Korea where we were English teachers. In Korea we were isolated and depended on each other for all the support and companionship we needed.

    At the end of this summer I went to my high school reunion. There I met an old acquaintance. We talked all night. I felt an amazing connection I had never felt with anyone before. He lived 2 hours away though so we talked online here and there but didn't see each other (just as friends).

    Fast forward to about five days before I was supposed to leave for England…the guy I met at the reunion said he was coming to town and I happened to be having a going away party.

    That night I ended up being unfaithful to my husband, but shared the same feelings as Jo. After that point I still felt a duty to go to my husband and give my marriage a chance.

    I saw the other guy one more time, I thought it would be the last. That night I couldn't sleep…I realized what I had to do. I had to leave my husband. I felt maybe true love did exist…and it would never be with the man I married.

    I don't know what's going to happen between me and the new guy, I need to take it slow, but I feel so much better for reading this article. Thank you.

    • Don

      As a husband whose wife nhas cheated I gave this a lot of thought. I love my wife and didn not want a divorce. She too did not want a divorce. So we talked it out, tried to understand it. True, I was working long hours, was tired and when we had sex it was quick. When the black guy art work saw the opportunity he took advantage of it and she was so vulnerable. I had to accept my share of the blame. We aere still married and I now accept that she needs more sex than I can provide. Love and sex do go together but sometimes that is not enough. We all need to accept our short comings, (no pun intended)

  4. Anonymous

    OH MY DAYS! I cant believe this came up today in my reader!!!

    I need to talk to Jo 🙁

  5. Kristie Lynne

    Reading this makes me sad. With all due respect, it's a sad time when the sanctity and importance of marriage is tossed aside. I think more people need to think before marriage about the life long promises that are being made.

  6. Nancy_C

    My soon-to-be ex-husband and I have had quite the tumultuous relationship encompassing a couple separations and reconciliations. Two weeks into the last reconciliation he engaged in an affair. I found out about it after two months. We agreed to "try" with minimal success.

    Fast-forward six months… I encounter my first love online. Two weeks later I asked my husband to leave. I was not willing to engage in an affair and I knew he and I would never be successful long term.

    Now? I am with my first love… and have never been happier.

    Thank you, so much, for your honesty Jo. Good luck to all who find themselves in that situation.

  7. beauty bets

    Jo, you write so clearly and poetically, it makes me jump for joy despite the topic. Whenever someone goes through something life-altering, takes the time to self-reflect on the situation, and then is generous and humbled enough to share with the rest of us, I feel like the world (women especially) is closer to finding peace with imperfection. And marriage is far from perfect, no matter how much I adore my husband! Thank you for keeping us focused on what's important: loving ourselves so we can love and be loved.

  8. Cheri

    I have lived the past five years a life I never thought I would. Having an affair did not end my marriage, my marriage had been over and broken before the affair began. And I agree 100%, you need to love you before you can love anyone else. When I asked for the divorce, I left for me, not another man. Officially divorced, I never once thought I made a mistake. It's sad and I never thought I would ever cheat on someone. Most importantly, you must love yourself and take care of your children. Some of us stay for our children but when you think about it,they are living a life thinking a marriage is loveless and strained. Thanks for sharing your story…

  9. Emily

    Thank you for sharing, Jo. I saw your comment about marriage being a spiritual union, and it got me thinking. I have to agree that that is exactly what marriage is, though I suppose I mean the phrase in a different way. I've been married for over six years now. In the grand scheme of things, that's not long at all, but by God's grace and through Jesus' love for each other, I pray that we both hold to our vows for a lifetime. The only path I know to a happy marriage is with God's help. I wish you the best and thanks again for giving us all the opportunity to take a closer look at our relationships by sharing your story.

    • Anonymous


  10. Heidi Rose

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really appreciated it.

  11. Erin

    I too have Celiac disease and I have nothing but the deepest sympathy for Jo and what she went through, particularly the feeling of being judged and disregarded when you feel like you are finally discovering and becoming who you were really meant to be….!

    Thank you for sharing your story.

  12. Anonymous

    Just 2 months before my husband and I were to get married. I had a fling. It was completely stupid and unlike me. I truly believe it was something that was done out of stress or something. I obviously was not thinking clearly. After it happened I was so depressed I did not eat for three days… I was weak and did not know what to do. I talked it over with a couple of friends (TRUE CLOSE ones) and decided that WAS NOT ME. Not who I was at all. I was/am not ever going to tell my husband. I love him to death. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. It is nice to share my story every once in a while, even as Anon. I love my husband. I am glad that he and I are together. Cheating was not me. Not something I wanted to do. The adolescent me did it with out thinking.

    Though, the guilt still haunts me. I love my husband. And nothing is changing that. I would never do something like that ever again. I am happy with my husband.

    • anon

      what would you do if your husband cheated on you?
      how can you live someone, but share yourself with another man behind his back?

  13. Anonymous

    As Plato said 3,000 years ago, True Love is a choice.

    What I see in your article is someone who has only experienced Eros and a bit of Philos love. Plato divided love into 3 sections, and 3,000 years of research have proven this correct. Platos 3 levels of love:

    1) Eros – This is "chemical" love. And, as Plato said, it is not real love. It is what happens when someone walks into your life with the right set of pheromones, the right visual stimulation, and so on and so forth. When this combination hits at the right time in your life, your body will release chemicals into your body that give you a sense of euphoria. But, this will not last. Research shows that as your body acclimatizes, it stops releasing these chemicals. The typical time it takes to acclimatize is 6 months to 2 years. This is why the typical affair only lasts that time period. This "type" of love is not something you really control. And, it is the only love that is not controlled. It is often called puppy love, the honeymoon period, and so on… but, it is not love. It is a chemical reaction. This is also what usually causes physical and emotional affairs to happen. And, learning to recognize it can cause you r life to be much happier.

    2) Philos – This is called "the love of needs". That is because they meet your needs (usually emotional), you feel an attachment to the person. This is the highest level of love most people experience these days. This love is developed by meeting the persons "love language" (read The Five Love Languages), and by filling their personal emotional needs (read "Affair-Proof Your Marriage"). In nature it is believed that the "Eros" part of love was to tide people over till they had firmly established themselves in "Philos" love. Today media though has made many young people believe that the chemical love ("Eros") is the greater love… Often leading one to loneliness. Philos love though is that comfortable love. It is the love you grow old with, because they complete you and you complete them. When people say "they just grew apart", what it really means is that one person did not feel like their needs were being met, and instead of seeking couples counseling, they seek divorce.

    3) Agape: With the exception of the love of a parent for a child, this love only occurs by making a conscious choice to love someone because of, and in spite of everything. This is the love that lasts. If you ask any couple that has been happily married for 50+ years how they did it, they will tell you "They made a choice". Many of these couples were on the brink of divorce many times. Many almost had, or even had affairs. But, across the board they will all tell you: "they made a choice". Ie. you do control the ultimate form of love. The ultimate form of love only comes when you make a choice. And, the proof is out there.

    A recent study is 2011 showed that arranged marriages in Asia actually had a statistically lower level of abuse, divorce, and a significantly higher happiness level than Western society. And, a fundamental discovery in all of this was that children in Eastern society have learned from a young age the simple rules that Plato taught, and that we seem to have forgotten. True Love is a choice.

    • Anonymous

      Very insightful. I wish more people would realize this. There would be much less hurt in the world.

  14. Anonymous

    I have been married almost 13 years, and up until this week had not been unfaithful. My marriage, I thought, was reasonably happy. We did not fight often, and we are good friends. We enjoy parenting our 2 young girls ages 10 and 8. Then I met my daughter's guitar teacher. For the first few months, I did not notice him. But one day he was here, we brushed by each other, and I felt some type of electricity. That night, I dreamed about him all night and woke in a sweat. Initially, I dismissed it and did nothing. The next time I saw him, I knew I had to try to reach out to him in some way. We starting texting and it soon turned into full on flirting. Within a week, we were in bed together.

    I started really evaluating my marriage. I now realize that I have been surviving and I have had moments where I felt deeply unhappy because he is very negative and moody most of the time. Our sex life has been lackluster, since the first several years he had very low interest, and then eventually I lost interest as well. He does not have a lot of energy and tends to procrastinate and watch a lot of T.V. I am very athletically active and people oriented, and very positive. Suddenly I realized that our marriage was on very thin ice, and that I had not been attracted to him in several years. I have tried to re-ignite my libido, and took responsibility that maybe it was my hormones or just the mundaneness of being together so long. But my efforts to inject some spark into our relationship have been mostly met with resistance by him.

    The man I have met is attractive on so many levels. I know it's early, but I feel like I have a lot of life experience and relationships to contrast against. He is very open and communicative, loving and sweet. He is a phenomenal and passionate lover. He is extremely intelligent and interesting, great sense of humor, and we share a love of music and other things. He is physically healthy and active. Our values appear to be similar and we are both outside our comfort zone in having an affair. I felt immediately that we were friends and had a similar, comfortable vibe. He is also married but was already further down the road in potentially dissolving his relationship. So there is potential there. We are both going to visit our therapists this week. He is self aware and exploratory, which is extremely attractive.

    So now, I'm trying to figure out what to do. I feel like I owe my husband the chance to save our marriage, but I am pretty certain it's too late. I tried for years unsuccessfully to reignite my feelings for him without someone else in the picture and now the attraction to this new man may have been the final nail in the coffin of our relationship.

    Now I'm trying to figure out my exit strategy. My goal is to do everything possible to minimize my husband's pain and children's pain, but I know that is probably unrealistic.

    • Anonymous

      I do not know what to say to the ladies on here but I would like you to think of what is not missing but what you might destroy. My wife aft 12 years and 4 children decided to have an affair. She thought I did not care for her and basically fell out of love with me. So much to the point that in her journals she wished I would die she she could have her lover. She said she wanted a divorce and all she wanted was this other man. She poured out her love to him in a massive email. It was too much for him to leave his wife and decided to cut it off. She then told me everything. I have been devastated ever since and she is begging me to not leave or divorce her. I have forgiven her but the pain is real. The consistent images of her and him haunt me daily. She did not know how much I really loved her until she saw how I changed in not only as a person but also a man. My confidence is shattered. I have been lost ever since! But if you feel that your husband does not love you…..think again before you destroy him and your life. I want to die everyday. If not for my kids, I would be dead. You would most likely regret all of this later on as my wife has found out. She is willing to have the pieces of me that are left. Though not much is there anymore. She wants the "old me" back. But he is dead. She has come to terms that he is dead and she killed him. I was changed instantly. So if you wish to make the biggest mistake ever, i am letting you know what it is like. Knowing that your spouse wants another man is the worst feeling in the world. I live it daily knowing she wanted another man. Talk to your husband. My wife did not know how much I loved her until I broke down crying what I read. She said her heart melted because mine was burned. I do not understand it but she is doing everything possible to help me. Nothing works. Leaving your spouse for another because of an affair is not the answer. many of you probably think "I just had an affair….I guess there is no turning back because there is much I am missing" is a lie and you need to explore this with your spouse first. Remember if he was great at first and then changed, what makes you think a current lover will not later. Please keep in mind what you are about to destroy.

      • Anonymous

        So blame it on your wife. Its so unfair of you to say what you said. She probably felt invisble to you and gave you signals you didn’t mind to read. It takes two to tango. Be a man a see what you did to push her in another man arms. You are both to blame, not just her. From what you wrote you want her to suffer now and you’ll do everything to make yourself a victim, until she decides she had enough and she will leave you.

        • Courtnwh

          Whoa! Be a man? What’s wrong with you? He is suffering? He is trying to accept this, as someone who’s spouse abandoned the marriage (but didn’t cheat, no one cheated but emotional affair with a THEN like minded female) my husband and I struggled to put back our relationship for a year and needed a lot of help communicating. Invalidating a man for not validating his wife. That is harsh and unessessary. I know that feeling of wanting to die. It’s the ultimate rejection. My husband knows now and I also learned that relationships go through phases and self love and respect as well as communication helps avoid a lot of these situations where an affair seems reasonable. Eros love/chemistry. I have it less with my husband but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. We have in intimacy now what chemistry will never be able to do! To be loved in return is the greatest gift. Why start over when the love of your life simply couldn’t fathom a need, not knew how to meet the need? Marriage is a vow an oath….. a choice and so is love. My husband is my best friend and i tell him all the time. Sometimes I remind myself when things are dull but as with most things in life, the pendulum swings and I can’t see how in a relationship free from abuse why anyone would cheat!? It’s unethical. Perhaps one married for the wrong reasons and didn’t match up values prior. But for self respect and respect for the other…. leave BEFORE u cheat. Look at it from all angles before creating more brokenness.

      • Anonymous

        We had the same story..i exactly feel the same just as your wife. I cheated my husband because i thought he doesn’t love me. And when i saw how devastated he was, i realized the pain i caused him. For a year i tried to make it up to him for i know in my heart that i still love him so much. But still, the memories and the pain keeps on haunting him and then the fighting will start again. I regretted so much what ive done to our marriage.. Is there no hope for me? I want my husband back

        • Courtnwh

          Yes there is. Eventually u do have to stop bringing it up or that pain comes rushing back like the panic attack it is, all the crisis of that era move on. My husband and I did a ton of work on forgiveness and just tried to be as trustworthy as possible (he submitted to phone audits etc….). We also got a counselor and made a goal to not assign blame. It’s was both of our relationship and we both needed some empowerment and safe environment of councelor to ventilate difficult issues (different for every couple). We also took DBT classes together to learn coping skills and basically both worked on ourselves as much as possible and made sure to relax. Don’t forget to pray for each other and for him. There is a 30day commitment thing I did online where it helped me recommit to the marriage (after awhile I too flirted with abandon after all he did, and in my pain I felt trapped and didn’t know if I could live with it….. but overtime things improved when we fought it resolved sooner. Lots of validation. More focus on simple changes that mean the most to each other. I need to be touched each day lovingly to “feel love” and he needs acceptance and need me to trust him (Kinda what led him to cheat- I didn’t trust him even 2years after some addiction issues had resolved and he was tired of me not moving forward as he had so he didn’t think I loved him because I was too slow to reciprocate respect and I was doing a piss poor job counting our blessings. I turned into a bag. Something I never wanted to be! So it is ok now. And I have a better marriage than before actually. Our devotion is more mutual than on our wedding day. Don’t be afraid to seek non biased help. Otherwise as humans we tend to make same mistakes over and over if we don’t learn new things.

      • Anonymous


    • Anonymous

      Above both the part are my story .. This i am facing right now at this moment they are in 2 parts as in part it was not getting publish..

    • Carlin

      EVERYONE deserves to be happy. I would not hold out much hope of changing your husband, he is what he is. Women in your situation should know that there are plenty of men who would love you and make you happy. You have tried to make your marriage wrk but it takes two. GO WITH YOUR HEART!!!!!!!

      • Courtnwh

        “Make u happy”. Go with your heart?! No one makes u happy. We choose happy as we choose love and commitment. I cringe when I hear these things in same conversation and is a flag that you are not loyal, but fickle, and likely have contentment issues and probably had terrible role models and don’t know better but in the context of marriage a lifelong commitment u can’t follow your heart everywhere it leads. It can deceive others may seduce. U must protect and defend your marriage no one will do it for you!!! It was a choice to forsake all others if need be. Follow advice from wise people, be honest with yourself. Infidelity is not the answer. If the grass starts looking greener on the other side it maybe time to put some TLC into your Own “yard”. My heart aches for the level of discontent being spoken hear.

        • Baby

          Courtnwh, i agree with ur perspective of what marriage is about. I believe the challenges and sacrifices that a husband and wife experience together makes the relationship stronger and they’ll appreciate each other more. The selfishness in one’s relationship is what causes the break.

        • manyregrets

          I agree. Infidelity is not the answer. Having been cheated on twice and then subsequently doing the cheating myself, I conquer. The best and most decisive thing a person can do is take an honest long look at their relationship. Seek to include their spouse on marriage counseling and individual therapy, and do the work to understand the discontent and the difficulty. This will lead to one of two things, working out years of struggle and improving your relationship, or working on accepting that the marriage is no longer viable. Either way it is a much more painless route then an affair.

      • Cristi

        Carlin, we cannot always go with our heart. We need to evaluate the incoming temptations to know how our actions would affect the husband-wife relationship. We shouldn’t let go of our spouses because there are many other men/women who can make us happier. What about the kids and the family? I would say it’s self-centered to think that it’s the job of your man to make and keep you happy. You 2 need to make your relationship work. If not, why get married?

  15. Anonymous

    yes, only God can will be my judge

  16. Anonymous

    I am jst 25 years old i got married 2 yrs back it was an arrange marraige .. We had many problem bfre marraige also but still it went out smooth we got marry aftr a year of marraige i saw him lack of interest in marriage .. He even made a scene of small think and later went telling his parents ,and whole family and his father abused me said many thngs for whole nght he didnt even tuk my side latet he slept outside .. Although it was his mistake i said sorry and tried to solve.. But he never choose to talk on problem jst ended up doing sex and avoiding talk that can solve and make relation strong.. I wanted to talk him tell him what i need from relation , but he chose not to talk he avoided talk by saying i m mad i m over thinking.. I asked him do u lack intrest in me , r u with some other girl and the answer he gave is i dont make out with you what i will make out with other ,his sentences hurt but i alwaz chosed to avoid although we went for holiday but even there we end up fighting , infact i use to black mail him if u dont talk to me i will kiss you in public , i felt bad that he is so scared of me to get kiss also, but i even avoided that time, there were times I was mentally very ill n food no 1 to talk and when i tried saying him what i want he chose to avoid,i was shattered coz i dream of perfect marraige it was not but, i tried lot to talk he avoid later i came in contact wid his office staff we started talking lot , he came to know that something is wrong in my life i shared my problem later.. Even during dose period i tried to make things good with my husband i shared what i do in whole day but he alwaz lacked interest , dis made me close to our office staff later i ended up with affair, my husband caught us talking , he went out said whole family ,he insulted he blamed that i mght have slept wid him …he removed me out of house , still i said him sorry i begged him i was at mom place still i begged him but he later jst started hving sex with me but he never spoke he tuk my cell for 4 months and never gave back, he insulted i wad quiet i said i want to break but he didn't even break later i got cell from my parents he came to know he again removed me out of the house.. Again i said sorry but this time he went out and strated saying in public that i m cheater character less without prove. In all dis i was so lost.. I use to mail my husband say sorry said i will b your slave still he insulted me alwaz later aftr all dis happened that i ended up hving affair with the guy… I was at mom place only .. Whn i started affair , my husband later just called me once when his grand maa died even after all insult i went ther ,when i was there i tried talking him but when i try to talk , he avoid talking and he jst chosed to have sex i and even i allowed. Thinking this will repair our realtion ,but i was wrong later when death rituals were done and when i said i wont do sex we need to talk, so he said i dont wanna talk i want to end the relation… I was shattered again he again use me mentally physically all.. He did drama of sleeping in living room and me in bedroom , he showed whole family that he is a victim .. Later aftr few days he said i want divorce i said ok .. I packed my bag and came mom place..his family that night came at my place saying its over will make papers soon.. We said ok… I thought its end lets move on… I continue my affair with guy but my husband fooled me again.. He wanted to do something else he kept some detective behind me to catch me with the guy red handed so that he can prove me character less in front of court

  17. Anonymous

    He wanted to do something else he kept some detective behind me to catch me with the guy red handed so that he can prove me character less in front of court and rest world as i come from indian Society he wanted to spoil my name in society too.. I went in some resort with that guy he collected evidence.. Then once in movie theatre i saw some guy detecting taking video of me.., i caught him and took in police.. And my husband and his family called whoke society at police station saying i m cheap bitch and all… He didnt even entred police station , i didnt launch any complain against him.. I was tired of this and sick of all drama .. Now i dont know what should i do.. I want to have divorce and he wants play a dirty game with me.. Please tell me who ia wrong over here… What should i do.. I just going mad helpless with all the stuff….
    You tell me in this case were should i end up was i wrong .. To cheat him and think its an end or what he did is justify.. Please tell me
    You said you should talk to your husband i always trier talking but he alwaz avoided which made me had affair.. Lately..
    Tell me were do i go wrong..
    You are a guy you tell me were do in went wrong.. Here…

    • Anonymous

      Get the divorce.

  18. joan mark

    hello everyone am here to share my testimony on how i got my marriage back on track, i got married 7 years ago and everything was going well and we where happy because i love my husband so much and he love me too, we had two kids, fews weeks ago i notices change in my husband behavior coming home late at night i thought it was just because of meetings in the office but it get worse then i decided to ask him, he just go away from me and past 4 night out side i was confuse i called him on phone but refuse to pick up my call he came back the 5th night and told me he want divorce i was surprise i thought it was a joke i beg him to stop later i new he had a girl friend outside i did all i could to get him back but all avail, one day i was searching the Internet on advice to get my husband back i saw a testimony on how Dr ogudugu help a lady got her husband back i said let me try, i contact him also with his email address and told him what am going through and he promise to help me and he help me and i did what he ask me to do after 3 days my husband came back home and went down on his kneels and be begging me to forgive him and that he don't know what came over him, i was so happy and i thank dr ogudugu for bring my marriage back on track, if you have the same problem or similar one just contact dr ogudugu now and get your prayer answer contact him with his email address [email protected] and be happy like me

  19. Becky

    Advice to all: DO NOT get married !!!!!! I know MANY married people who are very unhappy because cheating is sooo wide spread these days and no remorse for it !

    • Courtnwh

      I chose to marry later in life at a time I would know my own needs and my own self better so I didn’t have to depend on someone for happiness. After all my husband could die any day and I would have to carry on and be ok. So there is a balance of selfishness and togetherness, certainly taking things personal or not being honest with one self generated more infidelity. So don’t give up on what I consider the best relationship of my life…. we have had hard times, everyone does but truly genuinely do not torture another by getting married before u are ready.

  20. Matilda Söderlund

    My husband and I have been married for 22 plus years and have 3 kids 20,18, and 12 years old. we are on shaky terms in our marriage He has cheated I forgave but it did not end there, he wants a divorce and we have been separated for about 5 months. I love my husband but he ran out of love for me. he loves me but he is not in love with me. i begged him but he was very determined to get the divorce. he didn’t give me a reason why, he just told me that he wanted to be honest and that he didn’t love me any more, I loved him so much but he does is to travel with different girls to unknown destination, I was all over the internet trying to find who could help me out with my situation but no results at all or little signs, I was about to give up, then luckily i found (dr_mack@yahoo. com in a relationship forum, when i contacted Him , he said he will help me and just as he said, I received a call from my husband begging to reunite with me again, i accepted him and things really changed he stopped his bad habit, We came back together

  21. Anaonymous

    I hope you are with your husband, and things worked out between you, for you and your children sake, wishing you luck and a happy life.

  22. Worst selfish person ever

    I was in a long distance relationship for 3 years , after that my boyfriend moved to my hometown and was unable to find a suitable job (after almost 1 year) we decided to try abroad , he got accepted at an institute and his contract began 3 months after he was accepted. We got married to ease visa paperwork , everything felt really rushed and I was very unease at the honeymoon since I felt there was something not clicking) , he left to begin working at his new place and I had to stay and wait for the VISA to arrive , I was still working by then and we spoke only through whatsapp. After one month I began to feel attracted to a colleage that I was attracted to since we met but didn’t make a move at any point until afterwards. He knew I was recently married and at first he wanted me to feel ok about the visa not arriving. Then we went out for a beer with a friend of mine and we kissed. I felt a tremendous bond with him ( even before the kiss) and I couldn’t stop myself . He felt like everything I had always been waiting for . We talked about it and I told him I didn’t want to destroy my 4 year relationship with my now husband. He said he wanted me to feel good about whatever I choose to do . I choose to carry on with what we were experiencing because I felt I owed it to myself , I had never experienced such a feeling for someone else. It was almost supernatural. After 3 months of the best of happiness and pain for that I had decided to stick to my relationship with my husband the visa finally arrived and I took a plane to live abroad with my husband. After 1 month I confessed to him what had happened and he said it had been partly his fault to for not paying enough attention to me and that every circumstance involves both of us. I was relief to speak to him about it but I still feel strong feelings towards my colleague and I have not been able to tell my husband “I love you” any more . He is an amazing person but I really feel I don’t genuinly feel it anymore and I feel really guilty. I hope that time would bring back that feeling and that I am able to overcome the feelings I hold for my colleague , tho right now I can’t deny myself that I think about him every day wishing we could be together.

  23. Victoria

    Hi Jo!
    I’m 20, and have been married for 2 years. I haven’t been 100% happy, and I cheated on my husband a few days ago with a mutual friend while drunk. I have feelings for the other guy, but I wouldn’t call it love, and he’s emotionally unavailable. I am so lost. Do I stay or do I go? If I go, nothing will grow of the affair. If I go, I won’t be able to bring myself to tell my husband what I did. If I stay, I’ll still be lying.

    Any advice is appreciated.

  24. William Snow

    My advice is to tell your husband before the mutual friend does. Be as honest with your husband as you can be. You might be surprised at your husband’s response. Many men actually like it when their wife is promiscuous. You are still very young, and could have a lifetime of adventure in front of you, regardless of how it goes.

  25. Natalia Gonzales

    I have cheated. It was my first husband. Your story is very close to mine. Before I cheated, I remember thinking to myself, “once you go through with it, you will never be the same.” And I wasn’t. I always blamed my reason for going through with the affair because my exhusband was horrible to me. This made me feel better. But after a few months, we divorced. I found out the man I was having an affair with wanted to get back with his ex wife. They had children and I didnt want to get in the way of that. But I was happy he came into my life because he helped me see that I was worth more than my ex husband was treating me. But now, I’m in another marriage, with a man I’ve never loved more in my life. Four years together and going on 2 years married. Yet, I find myself projecting on him. I know what my thoughts were when I was sneaking around, I know how I felt and how I made it work so my ex husband would never find out. I was very manipulative. And I project that mentality into a relationship with someone who has never cheated and who proves time and time again that he loves me more than anything. And each time I project, I taint the romance, love and connection we have. Its construed as trust issues. That I dont trust him. And without trust, there is no relationship. How do I let go of the past. Everyone says to let go, but how can I let go of something that drive me to be the strong person I am today. To let go of that, I let go of my identity. It was a mistake I learned from. I dont want to lose him. What advice can you give me?

    • Carel Scheepers

      Cheating changes your brain chemistry & your subconscious pshyce.
      You need to open up channels of communication with your husband and clearly and lucidly explain your emotional struggles . . . or you will eventually get divorced a 2nd , 3rd & 4th time

      There is one common denominator on ALL of these post . . . women point blank REFUSE to engage in a long HONEST , VULNERABLE and long discussion with their husbands, as to what their emotional well being is.

      Men are OBLIVIOUS to hints, nagging & body language . . . when a wife nags, he withdraws to prevent the confrontation from escalating. He is also NOT EQUIPED emotionally to win a battle of the words with his wife

      Before you rip his heart out and destroy your kids ENTIRE LIFE . . . WHY THE HELL DON’T YOU SIT DOWN AND TALK???? If he UNDERSTANDS that this is a life & death situation, that you are VERY UNHAPPY ABOUT, he will listen & he will change.

      Men are not intune with their wives emotions . . . but VERY intune with her HONEST , OPEN & VULNERABLE articulated needs . . . . husbands are blindsided when their wives divorce them, because SHE NEVER LUCIDLY COMMUNICATED her feelings to him

  26. Northenguy

    Hi all!

    When i read between the lines here it sounds like some of the replys here justify cheating before leaving?. To the first poster, why not try couseling before cheating.
    My opinion is that it should be just ad dificult to get married as it is to get a divorce!

  27. Baby

    Well, at least you acknowledged that was cheating. I personally don’t agree on the advice to be brave to jump…That’s selfish and betrayal. It shouldn’t be like “I’m jumping because this other guy makes me feel more alive”. To be married means to undergo the good and bad together. Maybe you weren’t really ready for ur first marriage or it was rushed. That’s why it failed.

  28. Shirley

    This happened on valentine’s day, I caught my husband with his ex wife at a dinner party in a restaurant in Cornwall, I cried home and almost hit a truck.

  29. Martyn Adams

    Well, I’m sure this may generate a bit of vitriol from those who may choose to read it.
    I come away with the simple thought that so many of the respondents seem to have chosen marriage for the wrong reasons.
    I’m not a kid, I’m 75 my wife is 73. We married when she was a teenager. We courted for longer than some of these marriages.
    People talk about falling into and out of love like they tripped on a dock and fell into the water. I don’t know where the concept originates about these views of love. Regardless, it’s silly and immature. I’m not sure that it’s possible to fall into love or out of love. You either are or you aren’t and it isn’t a temporary thing. It is permanent.
    Perhaps there needs to be a better definition of or even a different word for marital love. Marital love to me is unique. People say they love their hair or their dog or their horse or their car. Then in the same breath, they turn around and say they love their husband or wife.
    To me that’s ludicrous. You’re using and confusing the same word for two vastly different reasons unless you’re a little bit on the strange side, which is OK but a bit off topic.
    I don’t love my wife a lot or a little or something in between. Our love simply is and perhaps I should put that in capital letters, IS. There is no wiggle room in the definition. It is absolute. However, with that absolute quality comes the realization that mistakes can happen and if they do you owe it to yourselves, plural, to live by that definition. In rereading this it sounds like I’m a bit of a hard liner and I guess I am.
    When reading all the comments that came before, I’m not sure I saw a single one that would meet my definition of marital love. That in and of itself is not just disturbing, it is bleak. Far too many children with childish ideas seem to want to embark on the adventure that I call marriage.
    If there are no children I frankly don’t care what you do as far as extending or terminating a marriage. However, when children enter the equation everything changes.
    Do not denigrate the idea that a couple should stay together for the children. When you married you gave up the option of continuing to be a child, so grow up. Your children expect that from you and are entitled to that from you. If you can’t supply it, you are a failure and failure is not an option so quit bitching, stand up straight and do the job you’re supposed to do. You are not the victim, if anything they are and you’ve got no right to do that to them.
    Harsh? Perhaps. But I do see an inordinate number of young people today who are pretty thoroughly screwed up when it comes to the idea of marriage. Part of that blame must lie with their parents.
    54 years and counting and I still wake up every morning with a quiet vow that the confidence she placed in me those years ago is still fitting.
    On a personal note, have I been the perfect husband? Perfect is a pretty hard standard to measure up to and if you ask me I would answer, no. Has my wife been the perfect wife? Same caveat but I would answer unqualified, yes. I think perhaps she might answer, no.
    I could have always done things better. That’s how my brain is wired. I think she would probably say the same thing.
    I mentioned earlier that failure is not an option. When young friends ask my wife and I what our secret to success is? Perhaps that might be the best answer. If you don’t go into a marriage with that attitude, the marriage has failed before it’s really started.

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