This is one of many True Story interviews in which we talk to people who have experienced interesting/challenging/amazing things. This is the story of 'Angela' and her experience with Herpes.Can you tell us a bit about yourself?
I’m a normal, 20 something girl. I’m an economics major, sociology minor at a Midwest college. I party on weekends, serve at a local coffee shop for cash and love spending it all on shoes. I’m normal.
But I have herpes.
I grew up in a good home, in a middle class neighborhood and my parents are still together. Sex was never a taboo topic, and sexual health was never something I was shy about. I’ve had sex with ten men (only 2 of which I wasn’t in a relationship with), all of which I have used condoms with – most of the time.
For those of us who aren't sure, could you tell us what Herpes is?
Basically, herpes is a virus and once you have it, it’s yours for life. There are two types, Simplex 1 and 2. I have 1, which is the “lighter” version, that usual manifests as oral cold sores. However, I got it on my genitals, most likely after receiving oral sex from someone who has it. Simplex 2 is “stronger” and what most people show as genital herpes. Wikipedia explains more, as do numerous online sources (be sure to check references and always ask your doctor if your information is correct)
How did you get Herpes?
The crazy thing about herpes is, you never can be totally sure where you got it from.
My ex boyfriend from a few years ago, Chris, has herpes. He was completely honest about it with me from day one, and for that reason I still hold him in the highest regard. It was completely my decision to sleep with him full knowing the risk of catching it. We were always careful to use condoms. But not careful enough that the occasional night we would get caught up and not use one. But he’s had it for ten years and knows his body. He never once had sex with me when he thought there could be even the slightest risk. We had sex for over four years, and I never had a problem. We broke up last year.
How did you find out that you had it?
I had been seeing another guy, John, for a couple months about a year after Chris and I broke up. One night we had sex, and it was pretty rough (a trigger for a herpes outbreak). I woke up feeling sore, but thought it was just because we had gone at it pretty hard. A few days later we had sex again, and the next morning I woke up in unbearable pain. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the crotch, while giving me rug burn, while pouring acid over top. When I checked myself out, I saw a couple little sores. I freaked out and got to the doc that same day. He told me that it was just an allergic reaction to the condoms we used and gave me a cortisone cream. He still did an STI test, but I heard nothing back. 2 days later, the sores were everywhere, I couldn’t pee, or go to the bathroom, and couldn’t sleep or walk. New doc said it might be herpes, but didn’t test or give me anything for it. 2 days later I went to another doc.
This was possibly the worst experience of my life. I could barely open my legs I was in so much pain. He had to insert a speculum to do a swab, I was literally screaming and crying hysterically on the table. I was begging him to stop. He couldn’t finish swabbing because I was hurting so bad. He then had to scrap one of the sores to get cells for testing. Again, I was screaming and sobbing, but had to let him do it, because I had to know what was wrong with me. It was hell.
He prescribed me painkillers and Valtrex (an oral anti-viral for herpes). He said there was a chance it could be something else, but to be safe we’d start on Valtrex right away.
How did you feel when you found out?
I spent the week alone, at home, crying, sobbing. Anytime I would be wake up or feel the pain, I’d pop a pill and try to sleep. It was awful. My house fell apart, I stopped eating, I didn’t talk to anyone. I literally shut myself in.
I felt disgusting, and still do in a way. I felt like the light in me was turned off. I felt like the happy, bubbly, flirty, fun girl I used to be was killed. I was ashamed, I felt dirty, I felt like no one would love me again. When I told John, I watched the look in his eyes change. I haven’t heard from him since.
And although I have history of a sexual partner with herpes, that does NOT necessarily mean that Chris gave it to me. John could have given it to me just as easy. That’s the thing, you NEVER know. Chris has been a rock through this. I didn’t want to tell him, but I needed support. He has been amazing. In a weird way, it’s dissolved any remaining tension between us. And in another weird way, it cleared up any questions I had about John and the type of person he is. So, some good in the bad.
What sort of treatments have you tried? Have they been successful for you?
I have just been using Valtrex, and only when I feel an outbreak coming. I also avoid potential triggers, such as sun exposure and high stress situations. So far I’ve been successful in fighting this.
How has this affected your romantic life?
As I said, John and I broke up. To be honest, if a guy reacts like that, then I don’t want him in my life anyways.
I have not had any romantic partners since. I have been holding back on getting close with anyone because I am dreading the day I have to tell them.
Chris told me about his herpes about 2 months into our relationship, long before we had done more then make out. He trusted me not only to not tell anyone, but he also trusted that I would accept him for who he is, flaws and all. I remember that when he told me, I was not disgusted or even disappointed. If anything, I felt closer to him. And because of his honesty, I never had trust issues with him. So I hope the same will happen for me when I tell my next boyfriend. But if he can’t handle it, that’s fine too, because I don’t want to be with someone who won’t love me exactly the way I am.
And in a strange way, it’s almost a blessing… I won’t be sleeping with a guy I like right away, he now has to earn my trust.
What steps do you take to avoid giving Herpes to a partner?
The only sure fire way is not to have sex at all. Oral counts.
But if you and your partner are going to, and one of you is infected, you can take certain steps to be safer. Never, EVER have sex when there are sores present. Even in the healing stage, when they are no longer contagious, don’t have sex, it’s not worth the risk. Never have sex when you feel an outbreak about to happen (burning, itching, tingling). ALWAYS use a condom and a spermicide. Be open, honest and communicate. Trust your gut. Don’t take stupid risks. Continue to get screened. Make sure you always have a supply of Valtrex on hand just in case. But mainly, communicate honestly.
What advice would you give to someone who has just been diagnosed?
Before you’ve been diagnosed, if you feel that something “down there” is wrong, don’t wait. Go to a clinic right away and tell them what you think it is. I didn’t tell the first doc I thought it was herpes, because I didn’t want to believe it, I wanted it to just be a reaction to the condom. Get tested right away and get on medicine for it right away. Otherwise you’re in for a WORLD of pain.
Get a good drug plan. Always have a stash of meds just in case. Know your body and take extra good care of it. Do research, but don’t quote the internet. Talk to your doctor. Use the anonymous phone lines if you want to talk to someone. Always be open and honest with your partner. DON’T blame anyone. Accept that you chose to have sex in the first place, knowing that STIs ARE a possible outcome, and accept it. Never blame someone else, that will just kill you in the end.
What advice would you give to someone who's interested in a person who's been diagnosed?
Ask yourself if there is a future with this person. Ask your self if you are really willing to contract this virus that you will have forever. Don’t romance it. It HURTS, physically AND emotionally. What If you get it and you break up? Are you ready to be the one telling your new partner about it? Will you accept full responsibility if you get herpes? Or will you resent your partner? Beyond that, ask yourself how much you trust your partner. Will they be open and honest with you about the state of their health? Will they put you at risk if they’re horny one night? Will they respect you when you say no? If you can’t have an open and frank conversation with your partner about sex and STIs, whether or not either of you have one, I really think you need to reevaluate why you’re in that relationship in the first place.
32 comments:
Another great post. This feature is excellent and I so look forward to each one!
I loved this interview. It was heartbreaking to read, certainly, but it was also very eye-opening. Angela, if you are reading this, thank you for your honesty. I hope you know that you are not alone.
Hi, Angela, I know you aren't a doctor, but you seem fairly informed. Question: So...my friend and I share cigarettes sometimes. A couple days after we shared one, she had a herpes break out on her lip. Do you know how likely it is for someone without an outbreak to pass HSV1 orally via an object...statistically or otherwise?
Wicked post! I know two people who have Herpes - type 1 and type 2 and I know how they struggle with it. It is good to read all this and understand it better! xxx
Great post! It's crazy that there's still such a social stigma against people with herpes...isn't it supposed to be like one in five Americans has it?
I know a few people who have gone through the same thing, thanks for sharing your story so openly. It's important for people to realize how traumatizing it can be.
Good post! Herpes is extremely common, and a lot of people who have the virus do not get outbreaks. And in theory, you can pass it on when you don't have an outbreak, but that seems really uncommon.
I've gotten cold sores since I was a very small child. They are embarrassing and can be painful, but i'm so thankful for the advances in drugs. I use acyclovir, personally (cheaper than valtrax, for those who don't have health plans - but it just works better for me). I also have found the topical treatments to help somewhat.
Good luck!
Wow, this is an incredible post. Thank you so much for sharing.
What a great post. I have also suffered from cold sores since I was a little girl. They are painful and I hate having to go into work on days when I have one. I feel like I am a leper. I feel ashamed and dirty. I don't go out so people won't see me and think, "yuck"...thanks again for the post. :)
Thank you for this wonderful post, Angela, and thanks to Sarah for raising this topic that is near and dear to my heart!
I contracted herpes from my very first sexual partner (and boyfriend) in my first few weeks of college. After we broke up 4 months later I thought I would never have sex again, that no one would ever want me. I felt so isolated and undesireable. Then I found a website (MPwH.net) where you could meet others with "H", and after a handful of casual sex partners (that I really only slept with because I could), I met a guy who also had herpes and we dated for a year and a half.
Since then I've dated mostly in the real world, and am currently engaged to someone without herpes, who also happens to be a woman. I've had the dreaded conversation three times now, and while it doesn't necessarily get easier, I find that 10 years later my self-worth is no longer tied to someone's reaction to the news. It takes guts to be honest and open like that, and if someone is gonna hold that against me, then I'm better off without them.
Just wanted to throw it out there that there IS sex after herpes, there ARE relationships, and also queer ladies get it too.
xoxox... thanks again for this :)
Thank you so much for sharing. This post was so brave that it brought tears to my eyes.
I remember scouring the internet for stories like this (or books or anything!) when I was diagnosed with HSV-2 three years ago and being devastated at the lack of information, personal accounts, etc. This post will help so many people.
I was also have HSV-1 in my genitals. I only had my initial breakout 3 years ago and *knock on wood* have never had a breakout again. But it was the most horrible disgusting thing that has ever happened to me. It was so bad that I had to go to the hospital and get a catheter because I couldn't pee and was in such insane amounts of pain. I would seriously never wish it on my worst enemy.
Thanks for sharing Angela, and thank you Von for posting this interview.
I have genital herpes, too, and most probably caught it from my very first sexual partner. I only had my first outbreak almost two years into the relationship, whilst traveling back to my home country (from having visited him). A 20h flight without knowing what was wrong with me was terrifying. I had to tell my mother as I got home (shes a gynecologist and I needed immediate relief), she got me medication but shamed me massively. I still can't forgive her for the things she called me and how she made me feel like it was all my fault for "being such a slut."
He was the only person I had been sexually active with, and he said he'd never had anything before. I don't know if he cheated on me or the virus had been "dormant" with him since before we started going out, but what hurt me most (well, maybe not most, the first set of sores was the most intense pain I have ever experiences) was that he refused to admit it was herpes. He dismissed it as "some kind of yeast infection" and said he "had been tested for everything, and even emailed me the results." Needless to say, I never got any results.
We broke up soon after this and I felt like I could never have sex again, because I couldn't face telling anyone about my condition. I didn't go out with anyone for a year and half, but have since then had sex with two guys (still going out with the second one). I dreaded telling them, but they were both incredibly understanding and not at all judgemental.
I've now lived with it for 5 years. At first it wasn't too active, but in the last year I had 5 outbreaks, so I am currently on preventative medication (I take 2x400mg of acyclovir a day). It's tough, but I've told several of my friends and can still laugh at herpes jokes (they're surprisingly common). I consider myself lucky to have had such supportive sexual partners afterwards, but I do feel a little bit sad for never really being able to have casual sex (confessing I have herpes to a casual hookup during foreplay doesn't seem tempting).
Thank you so much for sharing your story and showing that completely normal, "non-slutty" people can have herpes. Sorry for writing so much, but this was an important little therapy session for me. :)
Reading all of these comments makes me wish that we could bring this topic over to the Yes and Yes Every Buddy Board. But then nobody would post because everyone would (understandably) want to remain anonymous. :\
To the most recent anonymous person, my heart goes out to you for the way your mother treated you. That wasn't right. But I'm glad to hear that you've had supportive sexual partners.
To everyone else who has shared their story here, big hugs to you all.
This is a great post. Not many people talk about this...
I went to the doctors almost 10 years ago with what I thought was hemoroids...oh no, I had genital herpes (strangely, I never had anal sex though.) The great news is that after that initial breakout (I couldn't even sit down) I've never gotten a full blown breakout again! If I stress about it, it seems to come on, but if I take Valtrax the symptons never really show up.
The bad news is I went almost 10 years without sex (another True Story topic? - ha, ha!) because I thought all men would run away screaming. Then I met a man who understood the risks and doesn't mind completely and we have been very happy. We use condoms 100% of the time and he doesn't put his mouth down there - which is a bummer - but it's a small price to pay!!
Herpes is not as big as people make it out to be! :)
Thanks for sharing this story.
Thanks for sharing your story. A few months ago I had a herpes scare. My docs thought I had it but it turned out to be something else- but I spent a very stressful few weeks waiting to find out.
During that time I did a great deal of research and also talked to several docs, and I just want to mention a few things: Using condoms 100% of the time is a good idea for many reasons, but will not fully protect you (especially since it's common to have a sore on your upper thigh or other area not covered)...I also don't think spermicide helps, and can give some women (self included) allergic reactions.
Also: My understanding is that most of the population (like 70%) already has type 1 HSV, which presents in most people as cold sores. My doc told me that if a person already has oral herpes type 1, they cannot then get infected with type 1 genitally...not sure if that's correct but I believe that is the case.
Finally: it sounds like you had a horrible experience with your initial outbreak- my heart goes out to you. But I think it's also important to mention that many people have much milder ones, that they might just mistake for an overall flu, or genital symptoms they barely notice. I know some folks who have it, and they wish people knew that for them it has not been so dire.
Thanks for your honesty!
hello!!! I m from India...and honestly I don't know much about it... actually here the only guy most women(even educated ones and professional ones like me)get to have sex only with the guy u r married to....so my question is how do i deal with this situation.Do i ask the guy straight out if he has a history of STDs????
Thank you for sharing your story. This couldn't have been posted at a better time... Two months ago I was raped and when my blood tests came back, they said I was positive for HSV 2. I was so upset, I cried for days. I felt dirty. I kept thinking about my whole life and how it would never be the same. After a week my doctor's office called and said my second test came back negative, which could mean the first test was a false positive. For now, I have to wait to get tested again, to see if I have it or not, which is extremely stressful. Regardless I am now more educated and the herpes taboo is removed from my mind. Lots of people have it, some people don't know they have it, and there's nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It helps to know you're not alone.
i wish everyone would read the Wikipedia entry on Herpes. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herpes_simplex)
"The scientific reality is that most people are asymptomatic, the virus causes no real health problems for a vast majority of people, and a vast majority (around 90%) of the Earth's population carries HSV-1, 2, or both."
If your long term partner won't go down on you because you have herpes and that would, in all likelihood, just lead to cold sores, DTMFA. I'm talking to you, Anon three posts before me.
Had to chime in again (I'm an anonymous commenter from earlier) when I read about an anon commenter's lack of oral sex. From what I've read (and I've been pretty obsessive in researching all things herpes), there's no reason for you to be deprived of oral sex. In my understanding, the risks aren't dramatic, especially if you're on suppressive therapy (no oral sex during an outbreak, obviously). You could always use a dental dam if you really wanted to practice safer sex though I'm not familiar with how comfortable or awkward that might be. If you're in a committed, long-term relationship, it might be something to consider discussing.
This post really struck a chord with me because I went through a very similar situation. I found out 6.5 years ago that I got HSV-1 from my partner giving me oral sex.
I felt the exact same things you felt. I shut myself in. I felt disgusting and I remember sobbing on and off for days. It was unbelievably painful (the initial outbreak is usually the worst) and on top of everything I felt like the dirtiest person in the world.
I'm still struggling with having herpes. I have very few outbreaks so it's easy for me to "forget" but I'm scared to ever date anyone else. I'm still with the same guy who gave it to me.
I too wish the stigma would go away. So many people have herpes in some form. It's completely wrong and unfair to judge people based on that. I have had sex with 3 guys in my life and I'm 29 years old. I don't sleep around and I've always been careful....anyone can get it so we all need to stop thinking that STD's only affect people who aren't careful.
Thank you for your post. It's good to know there are others out there!
A few years ago, I got divorced and started dating again, then contracted herpes shortly afterwards. It was one of the worst years of my life.
I met a great guy and was so afraid to tell him...things happened quickly and I didn't tell him before we were intimate. That was the biggest mistake and I almost lost him over it.
In the end, we've ended up getting married and are having a baby in a few weeks. I take acyclovir (because it's cheaper than Valtrex and works as well for me) every day as a preventive and so far, it's kept him from getting it. Also, it has a huge success rate in keeping outbreaks away so that we can have a vaginal delivery of our baby.
I wish there had been a story like this online when I first contracted it so that I could have known that there were other nice, normal people out there with it, too.
Thanks for sharing - your story is beautifully written and will be a real blessing to someone who finds it when they're recently diagnosed.
I have herpes but I follow a green diet, do yoga, dont smoke or drink - generally keep as much oxygen in my body as I can as viruses cant exist in oxygen.
I also used products from neveranoutbreak.com but no longer use them as I dont get outbreaks anymore.
Im 32 and Ive had it for about 4 years. I always use a condom.
1 in 4 people have herpes.
I am a 20 year-old woman and I was diagnosed with HSV-2 when I was 13. I only have breakouts on my hand, which is almost more embarassing because it is in a visible spot. I remember being so scared when I was diagnosed because I was so young I had no idea about STIs, I hadn't even been sexually active yet. I was in so much pain, and I remember the sad look in my doctor's eye as sh had to explain to me and my mother what was going on with me. I was sexually abused by my father which is how I think I contracted the virus (I haven't spoken to him in years). I can only imagine the pain and fear that everyone who has posted has felt, because I have felt the devastation and loneliness of being diagnosed. I have had one serious relationship, my first and only sexual partner, but he had dated a girl with genital herpes before me (he never got infected) and he was very understanding. We dated for about 3 years and I've now been single for eight months and I'm very scared to date any new people. I know that since I don't have genital or oral herpes it would seem that it would be less of an issue but I still dread having to have that talk. I know that I still have to be extremely careful, as I could infect those around me or even myself on other parts of my body.
I can relate to everyone that posts. Unfortunately my break outs are pretty regular, the longest I have gone without one is three months. It's nice to know that there are others out there dealing with this problem, and I hope that one day the stigma on those infected with herpes is lifted. It's as simple as one person being careless enough to not inform their partner. Or in some cases the person infected was not even voluntarily involved in any sexual act and became infected. I'm glad that this was posted, as I think we all need our own little therapy sessions.
I am a 18 year old girl..and i was diagnosed with HSV-2 just about a year ago. I was never the type of girl to sleep around, in fact i was a shy girl throughout my high school life. then i meant the star football player and things were good. I could honestly say i loved him, and then one morning about 2-3 days after having sex with him i was in pain. Of course i thought it was just from the intense intercourse. but this had never happened to me before. And we were dating for almost an year and had always had an active sexual life together, so i didnt understand. Well my mother took me to the doctors and i was told i had this std. I was horrified, i felt so gross and dirty. I still havent grasp the fact yet. I decided to tell him that I had gotten an std. He went to get looked at and then next day told me he had nothing, and this point i didnt know what to do, i was heart broken how could this happen to me when he was the only one i slept with. Im not a slut, im a normal teenager that wants her old life bad.. does it ever get better?
Thank you for sharing your story! I was diagnosed with Hep C today and have been bouncing between denial and anger. I either caught it from an improperly sterilized needle in China or when I lost my virginity to a local in the Philippines. I've just recovered from depression and anxiety only to have this happen so I've had a pretty bad day. All I could think about was the fact that I will never be able to have sex again because I assume guys will run in the other direction once I tell them. Thank you and the previous commenters for reminding me that there are understanding guys out there.
I feel like an awful person. I have it. And I never have outbreaks. Angela, the one you had sounds like something out of a horror movie. But I have never had any sores, none that I've noticed anyways, and any pain down there has pretty much been synonymous with vaginal itch from not having a shower for a couple days. Anyways, I've told guy that I have it, prior to having sex, plus the guy and I will usually go and get tested together. After all, he may have something I don't know about. I always get positive remarks. Never any puns. So why, oh why did I not tell the guy last night? I really like him too... We were just on cloud 9 I guess, and the last thing I wanted to do was tell him I have an std. I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous. But now I need to, and I hope to god I didn't give him anything, and I hope he doesn't punch me in the face like I deserve. Anyone else been in this boat? I feel like such a horrible person right now.
Living with Herpes is really hard, especially when you are a single. According to a report from the largest Herpes singles dating site DateHSV...com, 98% of its members who used to be on a general dating site to find the love and support were rejected by others. That could be the reason that why DateHSV.com is so popular and now has more than 560,000 members.
Thank you for sharing your story. I've had genital herpes for ten years now. At first, the outbreaks were so small, I thought it was eczema, which I was born with. But it got worse, and then I knew what it really was. I take acyclovir for it, but it doesn't really help all that much. I've lost friends over it too. The sad part is, I didn't even get it from sex. I wasn't sexually active at the time. I got it from an adult arcade booth! Some people will laugh, but unless you have it, it's no laughing matter. So I am truly cursed. FTW.
I found out this past week that i have HSV-2. I am only 16 years old,and have only had one partner sexually. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I have been with for almost two years. He is my best friend, and to my knowledge we have been faithful to eachother since day one. At first when finding out, I was devastated and scared. In my heart I knew it wasn't the result of my boyfriend cheating, but after hearing news from the doctor that i had herpes, anything was believable. At first I felt dirty, and alone. I spent the whole past week in bed crying, with little to no sleep, fighting back itching. I believe I received the virus through oral sex which is something that NEEDS to be educated to younger people like me. This is something I was carefree about because I was completely unaware of the risks.The pain is unbearable, to keep my immune system up I have to drink tons of water which is hard to do because eventually I have to pee it out (which is horribly painful). Ive been taking pills religiously and applying prescription cremes as often as i can, but it is helping minimally. Luckily, my boyfriend was very supportive, and on top of taking care of himself medically. He understands me completely and doesn't mind that sex will be limited. I do not have a best friend that is a girl that I can go and talk to, although I have many close friends. I am in high school,there is nothing but drama,you can only trust yourself with things like this. The last thing I need is someone breaking my trust and going around telling such a sacred secret to all the wrong people. People do not understand herpes, and shamefully before this my opinion on someone with herpes would make me think that person was dirty or slutty. It is completely not true. It could happen to anyone. I am not slutty or dirty, and nobody should label me that way because of herpes. For people who are like me, your in control of who knows. If youre scared of people finding out, then keep it to yourself. It doesnt change who you are. You are still the wonderful person you are, and you have to ignore the stigma about herpes. I am still upset, but as I read things online and research more and more, I am realizing it is not the end of the world. In the long run it will only make me stronger. Thanks to everyone who has shared their story. I respect all of you and find strength in your courage.
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