What would life be like if your mom had an IQ of 62? What if you realized that your mom was different than other moms when you were three years old? Today, Anna is sharing the story of her relationship with her mom and how they’ve connected despite significant odds.
Tell us a bit about yourself!
Hi! My name is Anna; I’m Midwestern by birth and did a stint in the deep South as a teenager/young adult. In my twenties, I relocated to Venice Beach, California, where I lived my roller-skating dream until I turned 42 last year. I quit my job as a motion picture accountant and have been a full-time traveler now for almost one year. I’m still living the dream and re-configuring my life as a writer and storyteller.
For those of us who don’t know, what does it mean to have an intellectual disability? How is that different that a developmental disability?
An intellectual disability (ID) encompasses the cognitive part of the more umbrella term of developmental disability, which can include both physical and cognitive disabilities. ID specifically is a disability that occurs before the age of 18 and is characterized by both impaired cognitive functioning (reasoning, learning and problem solving) as well as limitations in adaptive behavior, which covers everyday social and practical skills.
In my mother’s case, she fell out of a moving car when she was five years old and landed on her head. Her IQ is 62, which is officially classified as ‘extremely low’ – a thankfully nicer term used in modern days in place of ‘mentally retarded.’
How did your parents meet?
In the late 60’s, they were neighbors in an apartment building and I think they just hooked up. My mom got pregnant and her family forced her to give the baby up for adoption. Afterward, my mom was (understandably) sad. She found out where my dad lived and would hang out on his porch waiting for him to get home. Eventually, he married her.
I asked my dad once why he had babies with her. He just said, “I guess I felt sorry for her.” My dad had a hard upbringing with an alcoholic mother and he’s always been a really wounded soul too. – Sorry, this story is such a bummer!
At what point did you realize that your mom was different than other mothers?
I think I was about three. Living with her was sort of dangerous. I remember standing up in the front seat of the car while she was driving, trying to make her pass other cars on the two-lane highway, stamping my foot and yelling, “Pass ‘em, pass ‘em!” She threw a bottle of perfume at a bird that got caught in our house. The bottle smashed against the wall and I was worried that maybe glass had fallen into my baby brother’s crib. Then there was the time she accidentally spilled boiling water on me.
I wasn’t able to put any of these pieces together then, but as I got a little older, I often thought my mom was just silly and sometimes oddly mean. I was definitely confused.
When did you surpass your mom in terms of intelligence? What was life like for you when that happened?
Thankfully, I don’t think I was living with her when I surpassed my mom in intelligence. My family never talked about what was wrong with her . . . there were vague references along the lines of ‘somebody dropped her on her head.’ Around the age of 11 or so, though, I worried that whatever was wrong with her was genetic and maybe something was wrong with me too and maybe that’s why I was really bad at math.
Your parents got divorced when you were eight and you went to live with your dad. How did you feel about leaving your mom?
I don’t remember much, just that my mom re-married a really bad man who also had an intellectual disability. My dad and grandparents didn’t trust her new husband, nor did I, so we didn’t spend much time with them. In some ways, since I’d never had a ‘normal’ mom, I didn’t ever know any normal warm, soft, fuzzy motherly care from her.
But thankfully, I did know what that felt like from my grandmother, my dad’s wonderful step-mother. She totally filled that need for me and I’m very grateful to know what a mother’s unconditional love feels like. And truthfully, in a lot of ways, I think my mother abandoning me was her way of helping me the best she could. But it’s taken a lot of time, effort and soul-searching to come to that conclusion.
On a day-to-day basis, how does your mom’s intellectual disability affect her life? How does it affect your relationship with her?
First and foremost, since no one talked about her disability when she was growing up, she didn’t get encouragement. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a lot of dialogue, help, compassion or resources back then.
I’ve always known that someday I would have to rescue her. And a couple of years ago, when her husband went to jail yet again for hurting her, that’s exactly what I did. I moved her out of their house, got a restraining order against him, and moved her to a secret location in a group home. She now has advanced dementia and is a LOT lower functioning than the woman I knew 30 years ago.
Has your relationship/experience with your mom affected your feelings about having children of your own?
I don’t know if it’s because of my mother or not, but I’ve never had any desire to have children.
What’s your relationship with your mom like now?
After rescuing her, I called her every day for almost two years to make sure she transitioned to the new home well. We had some good, albeit limited, and sometimes funny and graceful moments. I brought her out to California one Christmas, which really blew my mind, never in a million years did I think I’d have an opportunity like that.
Now that her dementia has progressed, she’s not too good on the phone. She loves Girl Scout cookies, so I make sure she gets some every year. It’s the little things, really.
What have you learned from this that any of us could apply to our lives?
Because people with intellectual disabilities have impaired social skills, they are at huge risk for poverty, addiction, domestic violence, etc., which sadly, have all been a part of my mom’s life. As a society, we have got to talk about what’s going on with this group of people, encourage them, and help them get the resources they need in order to mitigate some of these problems. My mom is the direct result of what happens when no one talks about this stuff.
When it comes to social services in general, there are way more people who need services than there are services available. But if you keep showing up, and you jump through all of the social service hoops, those wonderful people will absolutely move mountains for you.
My mom is an emotional mirror. If you express frustration with her, she will throw that attitude right back at you. And really, everyone in the whole entire world is like this.
Grace. Through her, I’ve learned how to extend grace.
Thank you so much for sharing this story, Anna. I think this is so, so important to talk about. Do you guys have any questions for her?