his is one of many True Story interviews in which we talk to people who have experienced interesting/challenging/amazing things. This is the story of Kat and why she doesn’t ever plan to have sex.
Tell us a bit about yourself!
I was born in Maryland. I now reside in Virginia. I’m 34 years old (almost 35). I work from home for a Fortune 500 company. For fun I listen to music, read, knit, spend time in nature, travel, and watch
Growing up, how did you think about romance?
My parents separated when I was 8 years old. I didn’t see any romance or fighting. I only heard one argument while they were together. When I read romantic books or watched movies, I knew the female character would never be me. I would never have a prince charming. I knew that from a very young age. I told my mom when I was 8 that I would get married at 88 years old. Now I say I’m never getting married.
What’s your romantic history like?
I wasn’t allowed to date while I was growing up. I was asked on one date in high school. I wasn’t attracted to the guy so I came up with some excuse as to why I couldn’t go out with him. I have been
attracted to guys over the years but never in a sexual way.
I briefly dated one guy 15 years ago. We went on a date to Taco Bell! lol. It was a one-time thing. It didn’t end well. He kept talking about sex and I knew I didn’t want to do it so when I got the chance to escape, I did. I left him stranded at his friends house. (I was the one driving).
Other than that, I have never kissed anyone or been kissed. I have not gone on a date since then. I haven’t even been hugged by a male (except maybe once or twice by my dad).
How do you feel when you think about sex?
When I think about doing it, it repulses me. Not to sound immature but “ewww” is the best way to describe it. Genitalia disturbs me.
Do you think you’re asexual?
Yes, I probably am. The attraction is sort of there, but I have no interest in sex. I’ve known since I was about 10 that I would never have sex. I don’t know how I knew, but I just knew I didn’t want to do it.
Do the people in your life know about this?
I think my family thinks I’m a virgin or maybe that I’ve had sex once. No one knows for sure because I don’t talk about it. They don’t ask. No one mentions it so I don’t know how they feel. I think my mom thinks I’m gay because she has made snide comments about it in the past. I don’t have close friends so it isn’t something that comes up a lot. I rarely think about being a virgin. It isn’t an issue in my day to day life.
Do you have any interest in having a partner to navigate life with – even if that relationship doesn’t involve sex?
No, I’m not interested in having a partner especially a live-in one. I love living alone. Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to date someone without sex and living separately. That is the only way I’ll ever date someone. I haven’t completely ruled that out, but I’m definitely not looking for it.
I’m not interested in cuddling but maybe if I found the right person, that would change. The same goes for emotional intimacy. With the right situation, I may be open to that.
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Kat. Do you guys have any (polite!) questions for her? Are any of you happily sex-free?
Thank you for sharing your story with us! I'm wondering, do you find it hard to make just regular girl friends because of your dating choices? I just wonder because when I think about what I talk about with my friends so much of it revolves around dating, it would be hard if it was something I didn't want to talk about but my friends did. Obviously there's plenty of other things to talk about in the world, but so many people get wrapped up in their love lives, I wonder if this makes it hard to have close friends?
Kat seems to know who she is, what she wants, and how she wants to live her life. How many people have this much clarity?
Thank you for sharing your story, Kat! I'm approaching a milestone birthday of my own (there's a certain movie title running through my head lately, with my picture now on the poster) and have a similar story to yours. For me it's not that the physical interest isn't there, it's that for a variety of reasons I've never gone on more than a handful of dates or been intimate with anyone. I'm generally content with this, especially as I watch friends and family cope with choices they now regret. However, I'm finally reaching the point where I'm ready to look for a partner. Scary but exciting!
For the anon above who asked about whether being a virgin/not dating makes it difficult to have girl friends, from my experience, no, not at all. I have several close girl friends, and many of them come to me with their relationship problems (along with all sorts of other life stuff). My romantic experiences might be considered abnormal, but I think I have a certain unique clarity and perspective as a result of my choices. And really, there's SO much more to talk about than dating!
Thanks for sharing Kat. And I really admire your strong sense of self.
I remember when I was single (until about a year ago) with no sexual experience my friends were constantly coming to me with stories and asking for advice. Every time I was like: really, you’re asking me? One of my friends recently pointed out that because I didn’t have stories of my own to share I was very good at listening to that kind of problems. I’m still not really sure how I feel about that…
I feel similar about sex, actually. I classify myself as a “grey ace”. One family member and a few friends know, and I’ve blogged about it… but people who find out think that it just needs to happen, for whatever reason, as if it’s this necessity. The difference, however, is that I do actually want a partner—and I want to adopt, and maybe I don’t mind cuddling… I just don’t know. Romantic relationships don’t work for me when the other person wants to eventually have sex with me. I can write about it for fiction—I can make it believable, even—but otherwise, I just know it isn’t something that is for me.
Kudos to you, Kat, for having the bravery and strength to share your story! 🙂
I am also a 34 year old virgin . I find both male and female genitalia disgusting. Unfortunately , one v v v cute guy proposed to me last week so we are getting married ! I love him like krazy . He is v sexually experienced . He knows I am a virgin and respects me for it !
Youre mysterious…Im challenged for the first time. Im 35 years old male and never had a girlfriend dye to a rejection from my first love ( yeah Im a loser). It took me two years to get over it…but eventualy never had any interest in girls ever since. Upon reading your story, I feel I needed to meet you or I dont know…just mixed emotions and wondering.
Hey Kat thank you so much for being brave and sharing your story with all of us. I’m also a 35 year old virgin for me it has not be that I don’t want to but doin it with a person that respect me and not rush because that will be a special moment part of me in my life that I hope he can appreciate. Most guys don’t get think I’m too old or weird or jus like u said get over with already I jus never could think of my first like that. I want some one special to share that with n I haven’t found him. Thank u again for Sharing ur beautiful heartfelt story. U made my day andI don’t feel alone anymore
I’m yet another 35 year old virgin. It helps to know that I’m not the only one out there. Maybe I just haven’t met the right person yet. Right now I’m focusing on self improvement and learning how to be happy alone.
Iam also a 35 year old virgin and planning to be that way until marriage however a lot of guys don’t believe it. N it’s hard to date some one when they want sex out of the dationship. But it feels like a part of my soul will be ripped off if I have sex before marriage and committing a sin. I am not sure if Iam scared of having sex.
I’m also 34 and a virgin. Its not that I don’t want to have sex though. I never planned on waiting for marriage either, just the right person. But the right person just never came around. I just haven’t had many opportunities. I’ve never been the type of person to jump from one guy to the next. Most guys just aren’t interested in me for some reason. The ones that I’ve dated and “fooled around ” with over the years did not stick around long enough for me to get to a point where I was ready to have sex with them. I do feel embarrassed and depressed over this. It feels like something is wrong with me. I’m about to just give up and learn how to be happy in life alone. I admire Kay for sharing her story. I know it’s different for her because she’s content with her choices and life but it’s nice to know I’m not the only “older” virgin in the world,
I just turned 33 and I have never had a romantic relationship, only flirts and close friendships. I am not ugly or weird, just too shy with a low self esteem. I also have a chronic metabolic disease. Luckily it does not affect my weight or looks, but I have been sick for years. My mother also has the same condition and we look after each other. When I was younger, I dedicated a lot of my time to my studies and now I work from home. That means almost zero social life.
My first dating experience was a disaster because I got rejected and that lowered my self esteem even more. I never found anyone else interesting until I was about 25 and met a man I really liked physically and mentally. I identify as a demisexual and I need a strong mental connection with a person in order to develop attraction. We didn’t have naked sex (just cuddling and making out). I would probably have lost my virginity to him if our relationship lasted longer. Anyhow, the experiences I had with him before the end of our relationship led me to explore my sexuality on my own. Because of that, I am technically not a virgin anymore, but I have never been that intimate with a man. I still consider myself a virgin because, to me, virginity is an emotional thing.
Now that most of my friends are married, living together and having babies, I feel like I am falling behind, but I don’t want to force myself with someone just for the sake of an orgasm. I’d rather use a sex toy for that.
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
I’m a 37 year old gay man. I have never been understood when I would state I am not interested in sex. Most of my relationships haven’t been long due to this. Thank you for sharing this story.