Notes from the Road – Death Cab for Pukey

So. The Mister and I decided to take a slightly less beaten path to Machu Picchu. And if you´re wondering exactly what that means, it means we followed the directions in the Lonely Planet under the heading “Off The Beaten Path.” So it was just us and 400 other travelers attempting to get away from it all.Though we were probably the only ones who didn’t have dreadlocks and were over the age of 23.

Instead of spending $100 on 12 hours of train ride, we spent several days riding $1 local buses through The Sacred Valley, poking through sweet little towns and drinking a lot of coco tea. All was going quite well, all paved roads and flush toilets and such, till the last leg of our journey.

We discover that we need to take a taxi to the little town of Santa Theresa, where we´ll hike along an abandoned railway for three hours till we get to Aguas Calientes. We pair up with a Chilean couple so that the two hour taxi ride will run each of us $5. We pile into a slightly beat up Toyota station wagon for what I´m sure will be a pleasurable ride filled with small talk and travel stories. Maybe we´ll all be Facebook friends after this!

Our driver pops in his only CD (UB40´s Greatest Hits) and we turn down a narrow, rutted service road. I dutifully gulp down a Dramamine as I am The World´s Best Puker and have experienced the wonder of Peruvian mountain roads before.

Sam chats with the Chileans in the back seat while I notice that this washed out road? With all the bumps and total lack of shoulder? It´s been going on for quite a while. But whatever, right? I survived six hours of this between Siem Reep and Bangkok, it´s all good. This is but another badge on my Girl Scout travel sash, right?

And then we start up the mountain. We are driving through the Andes at 30 miles an hour on a road with no shoulder, no guard rail and one lane. The driver occasionally tries to engage me in conversation, looking at me and smiling as I whisper scream “Fala Portuguese! No Espanol!” and point at the road. He kindly swerves to avoid particularly deep holes which sends me into poorly managed hysterics. The steering on the car is so loose that turning the tires necessitates what appears to be a 90 degree turn over the cliff. The first few times this happens I do that bit where my hands fly up to cover my face and then spontaneously smooth down my hair. Every time we round a corner, he honks to alert on-coming vehicles.

We begin to meet other vehicles on the road, which results in a lot of honking, flashing of lights and our driver staring down other drivers. Eventually they all back up into someone´s driveway three miles back and we speed past them waving nervously.

As we get farther up the mountain, we begin to encounter waterfalls. All this necessitate fording six or seven inches of water and crossing bridges that appear to be, somehow, actually narrower than the car. I begin to write a news clip in my head ¨American Couple Dies in Andes, Attempting to Save $60″ and I look back at Sam and see him eying all the possible exits and testing the release button on his seat belt.

Just as I begin to question my Agnostic religious stance, we turn the corner into Santa Theresa. Though I have pitted out my last clean shirt and probably lost three years of my life to worry, I´m alive! Dusty and dirty and a total nervous wreck, but alive!

I should have known it would turn out alright. I saw the driver cross himself and kiss the Mary hanging from his rear view mirror before we took off.

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  1. Darcie

    so, i can only assume that your most recent will & testament is in the mail? haha..*cough* don't die.

  2. Sarah Von Bargen

    FYI, Yesandyes readers, that is totally for real. Before I left Taiwan for my world ticket, I wrote up a will and sent it to Darcie because I didn´t want to worry my parents.

    And she got it on St. Patrick´s Day and drunkenly opened it and read the world “If you´re reading this …”

    Good friend, that one!

  3. Ms Constantine

    Bloody hell!! I get scared enough of some of the gorges in NZ with sealed roads, guard rails and enough room to drive buses. I’d proper die of a heart attack if I was in that car.

    As an Atheist I especially love the last paragraph. May have to be the best line of the week!

  4. Young Werther

    What is life if your heart is not skipping a beat and the adrenalin not pumping?

  5. Pietro

    I didn’t understand the text because I’m French but I love pictures of your blog!

  6. Kelly

    I would have had a full-blown heart attack! Glad you survived

  7. Jackie

    Oh lordy. I’m sure I would have wet myself.

  8. You are my fave...

    I’m bad enough being the passenger in my own car while my husband is driving. I cannot imagine this. Aaack. I’m glad you survived.

  9. Kitty Lascurain

    Wow. I had a similar experience in Greece. We were winding up the side of a mountain in Corfu in a tour bus that was less than a foot from the edge of total anialation, peering down at the wrekage of two cars which had already met their doom, when we stopped suddenly to avoid hitting a goat. The bus actually skidded!I was sure we would die, but our native, greek-speaking driver managed it, and then turned around, gave us a grin, and yelled “Opah!” I am so not kidding.

  10. brodie

    I HELD MY BREATH READING THIS ENTIRE THING! look at those capitals- that’s how much it affected me!


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