Halloween Candy Astrology

halloween candy astrology

Now, I don’t particularly buy into the concept of daily astrological predictions. (“You will make an important decision today,” Really? Does the decision between cheddar and Swiss in my sandwich count?)

However! I am pretty entertained by astrologically determined personality traits … largely because I am a by-the-book Virgo, ready for anything with my stash of post-its, hand sanitizer, and tiny sewing kit. And this got me wondering … how would these astrologically determined traits translate into Halloween candy choices?

Aries

Adventurous and impulsive, Aries is the girl who joyfully pockets the unwrapped candy from your creepy Boo Radley neighbor. She might also try sucking on the nickels Old Lady Hanson is handing out or punch any untoward zombies in the throat.

Taurus 

Candy corn is security and reliability formed in tri-colored sugar which is perfect for tradition-loving Taurus. She’ll gladly trade you all of her yuck-o black licorice for your three pounds of candy corn.

Gemini 

Sweet Tarts are great for these Zodiac twins. Because they’re sweet! and tart! and sweet! and then tart again! She also loves to suck all the dye off so she can flash her creepy blue zombie tongue at all the boys.

 Cancer

Affectionate Cancer is holding out hope that someone has a few out-dated boxes of Valentine candy hearts for her. Then she can coyly slip them into her cutie’s candy pail and feign ignorance when they find 15 hearts that read ‘Hot Buns.’

Leo 

Wax lips make for a great conversation piece and attention-getter, which Leo loves. And anything that makes a girl look a bit more like Angelina Jolie can’t be discounted. Even if it means chewing on wax all night.

Virgo

M&Ms are perfect Virgo food. So clean and glossy! Conveniently melting in your mouth – not in your hand like those pesky, inconsiderate Snowcaps. M&Ms are also designed for compulsive color coding and then consumption in ascending ROYGBIV order.

 

Libra

Diplomatic, easy-going Libra is the friend who will trade you her king-size Butterfinger for a half eaten roll of Necco wafers. She is also the friend who wholeheartedly believes your flash-light-under-the-chin horror stories and is still a little unnerved by a darkened bathroom.

Scorpio

Any excuse to flirt is a good one for passionate, magnetic Scorpio. A candy necklace presents endless possibilities for strangers to nibble at her neck and use classy lines like “You look good enough to eat.”

 Sagittarius

“Where did the kittens go on their class trip? – the meow-seum.” may not be your idea of comic genius, but jovial, philosophical Sagittarius thinks Laffy Taffy is the height of hilarity. Meow-seum, indeed.

Capricorn

Practical, prudent Capricorn has reviewed her candy options and the caramel apple seems to be her safest bet. A bit of fiber, vitamin C and it won’t set her back toooo far at the gym.

Aquarius

While all her friends are fake gagging over their black licorice, independant, original Aquarius swoops in and gladly relieves them of it. Who cares if they say it’s Grandpa candy?

Pisces 

Swedish fish. For duh.
Contrary to my Virgo birthdate, I actually love me some Reese’s Pieces and Panda Black Licorice.

What’s your favorite Halloween candy? 

photo 1 by worth1000.com // photo 2 by muffet // photo 3 by joshua pomales // photo 4 by pen waggener // via ohnuts.com // photo 5 by amy loves yah // photo 6 by oskay // photo 7 by oldtimecandy.com // photo 8 via boydsretrocandy.com // photo 9 by nerissa’s ring // photo 10 by oskay // photo 11 by dolles // Luke Jones

The easiest meal you will ever make

Not that you would ever know it from this blog, but I am actually quite the domesticated little bunny. Hot glue-gunning thematic centerpieces? Slaving over Brazilian beer and coconut soup? Compulisively cleaning my white carpet with a lint brush? Sounds like a great Friday night to me!
However! There are many a night when it’s all I can do not to pass out over a bowl of cold cereal. So for those nights when I’m craving something slightly more fancy than generic cheerios, I make The Easiest Meal Ever, black bean soup.
Seriously, it might be faster than your Lean Cuisine. Let’s race. Readygo.
Ingredients:
2 cans of black beans
1 can of stock
1 jar of salsa
Dump all of the above into a blender. Blend. Heat through and top with sour cream and the last of that bag of Fritos. Viola! Dinner on the table in less than 5 minutes. Aren’t you the clever one?
What’s your go-to speedy meal?

Why not …

collect the jokers out of every deck that you come across?

rock this little sequined number under your work blazer? Business on the outside, party on the inside! You can be all coyly buttoned up from 9-5 and then de-blazer once after-work drinks roll around and wow that hottie from marketing.
embrace the ‘no hair’ shower? Now that it’s getting colder and dryer, I am sporting some deeply sexy straw-like hair. Thus! I am huge fan of the ‘no hair’ shower. It takes all of three minutes, wakes me up, allows me an opportunity to use my sandalwood soap and doesn’t dry my hair out. If I’m really ambitious, I rub some gel through my hair, put it into buns and let the steam work its magic. By the time I’m ready for work, I take the buns out and have sexy, messy, wavy hair. With almost no effort! Which, coincidentally, is my favorite amount of effort!
patent your own dinner-party conversation starter? Blah blah “What do you do?” “How do you know _____?” “Have you seen any good movies lately?’ blah. How’s about “If you could have the power of flight or invisibility which would you choose?” or “What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleeping?” or “What’s your least favorite word?” or “What’s the best costume you’ve ever worn?” And look at that! You clever minx, you! You’re the life of the party!
send a real, actual piece of mail to someone you love? We’re talking about the real thing, now. Proper stationary (maybe even scented?!), hand-written and bonus points for including something silly and sparkly that falls out when they open the envelope.

In which the existence of beavers is doubted

art by falldowntree

Yesterday I brought my Burmese ESL student on a field trip to Fort Snelling State Park to learn about the niceties of hunting licenses, poison sumac and why we probably don’t want to eat snapping turtles. Our guide talked about all of these things while walking us through the park, pausing to point out things of interest.About half an hour into our walk, we happened upon a tree that had been gnawed down by a beaver. In rather complex and fast English, he explained the tree-felling/dam-building process. I turned to my students and attempted to “translate.”

Me: “One animal bites this tree and then makes a house with the tree.”

Skeptical Student: “A big animal, teacher? Elephant like tree.”

Me: “Oh no. This animal is a brother to rabbit, squirrel. Like this:” I make the universal sign for rodent, hands tucked under my chin and making clicking noises, exposing my front teeth

Student: “Ummm, no, teacher. A rabbit cannot eat a tree and make a house.”

Me: “It’s like a rabbit. It lives in the water. It takes the tree in the water and then makes a house.”

Student: “Ummm, teacher. No. A rabbit cannot swim.”

Me: “It is like a rabbit. It has a big tail (universal sign for beaver tail here) and it swims and then makes a house from the tree it bites.”

Student. “Sooooo, it is a fish rabbit that can bite a tree and make a house?” (totally incredulous)

Me: “Yes. Yes. It is a fish rabbit. It is a fish rabbit that bites trees.”

Student: “Oh yes. Okay. I know.”

He nods as if this now makes perfect sense and heads off to impart this knowledge to his classmates.

God help them if kangaroos ever come up.

The Parenting Tactics of Mom Von

photo by hownowdesign

My dear wee mom is exactly what you imagine when you imagine a Midwestern grade school teacher. Are you imagining red elastic-waisted pants? And appliqued sweaters? And holiday-themed jewelry? Now imagine all that plus a steely will, a dark sense of humor and a button nose. This is the recipe for Mom Von.Growing up with two teachers as parents means that you can pull approximately nothing over on them because a) they have spies everywhere b) they have heard it all before. One of my mother’s favored response to any Kid Von whining was “Oh, you’re fine. I think you’ll live.” Oh really, Mom?! I’m fairly sure my life will actually end if my nightly phone call allotment isn’t extended to 3 hours!!!

Her other top five:

5) “Well, whose fault is that?”
Seriously, Mom. This is gold. I fight the urge to say this every blessed day to people in my life. The Lean-Cuisine stealing co-worker for one.4) “We’ll see, depending on your behavior.”
Ahhhh! You slay me! The perfect catch 22! A ‘yes’ is not certain and I have to be good until you decide! That’s a long time to be good.

3) “You think so, huh?”
Usually said in response to any bossy or slightly inflammatory remarks uttered by wound-up Kid Vons. For example “I’m going to stay over at Kristin’s on Sunday, I don’t care what you say!” “You think so, huh?” or “I’m going to move in with that questionable boyfriend and spend the summer waitressing at Rick’s Cabaret!” “You think so, huh?”

2) “It’s not necessary”
Ooooh, Mom! Always with the airtight argument! Sure, it’s not strictly necessary that you drive me to Duluth so I can buy over-priced incense at the Electric Fetus. But bathing isn’t necessary either.

1) “We don’t (verb) in this house.”
We don’t hit in this house. We don’t talk like that in this house. We don’t eat cheesy poofs in our underwear for the entirity of Summer vacation in this house. Jeez, Mom, you’re no fun.

And, yes. I now use nearly all of the above phrases in my daily life. What were your parents’ favorite lines when you were a kid?