The Parenting Tactics of Mom Von

photo by hownowdesign

My dear wee mom is exactly what you imagine when you imagine a Midwestern grade school teacher. Are you imagining red elastic-waisted pants? And appliqued sweaters? And holiday-themed jewelry? Now imagine all that plus a steely will, a dark sense of humor and a button nose. This is the recipe for Mom Von.Growing up with two teachers as parents means that you can pull approximately nothing over on them because a) they have spies everywhere b) they have heard it all before. One of my mother’s favored response to any Kid Von whining was “Oh, you’re fine. I think you’ll live.” Oh really, Mom?! I’m fairly sure my life will actually end if my nightly phone call allotment isn’t extended to 3 hours!!!

Her other top five:

5) “Well, whose fault is that?”
Seriously, Mom. This is gold. I fight the urge to say this every blessed day to people in my life. The Lean-Cuisine stealing co-worker for one.4) “We’ll see, depending on your behavior.”
Ahhhh! You slay me! The perfect catch 22! A ‘yes’ is not certain and I have to be good until you decide! That’s a long time to be good.

3) “You think so, huh?”
Usually said in response to any bossy or slightly inflammatory remarks uttered by wound-up Kid Vons. For example “I’m going to stay over at Kristin’s on Sunday, I don’t care what you say!” “You think so, huh?” or “I’m going to move in with that questionable boyfriend and spend the summer waitressing at Rick’s Cabaret!” “You think so, huh?”

2) “It’s not necessary”
Ooooh, Mom! Always with the airtight argument! Sure, it’s not strictly necessary that you drive me to Duluth so I can buy over-priced incense at the Electric Fetus. But bathing isn’t necessary either.

1) “We don’t (verb) in this house.”
We don’t hit in this house. We don’t talk like that in this house. We don’t eat cheesy poofs in our underwear for the entirity of Summer vacation in this house. Jeez, Mom, you’re no fun.

And, yes. I now use nearly all of the above phrases in my daily life. What were your parents’ favorite lines when you were a kid?

For the love of Argyle

“Hmmm, where shall I scoot to today? Perhaps a golf course or a British pub where my Argyle will be truly appreciated? Yes, I think I could go for a cuppa and some biscuits, followed quickly by several pints of cider. Indeed.”As previously noted, I’m going to refrain from regaling y’all with the fact that nearly everything I own is from Target. Because that’s just embarrassing.

However! The jeans you see here? All dark and slim and slightly hipster-y? You will not believe what brand they are:

Girbauds!

Did you, like I, secretly covet this brand in 8th grade? While I was relegated to Lees, all the cool kids were rocking their Girbauds, complete with that weird button loop. So finding these for $15 at TJ Maxx was something of a teen dream come true.

Now, if I can just get my hands on a 26 Red t-shirt my life will have come full circle.

Character Sketches: The passengers of Bus 94B

photo by publicenergy

For the entirety of September, I was sans car and spent an hour every day bussing it to St. Paul and back. And despite my sulking, it was been an excellent opportunity to engage in minor anthropological studies. A look at my favorite bus characters …
  • The Tiny Italian. His bus-riding paraphernalia includes: a tiny water bottle, a walker, and a hugely overloaded backpack. His preternaturally black hair in complimented by a rosary tattooed around his right wrist and a bowling shirt with gold embroidery, boasting the name “Tony.”
  • The Petite Sophisticate. She possesses The World’s Greatest Bob and somehow manages to look pulled together standing at the bus stop everyday at 6:45 a.m. Despite being at least 55, her knowledge of Ipod navigation far exceeds mine.
  • The Whisper Singer. The Whisper Singer totes around a Discman and a leather cd-case that houses at least 25 cds at any given time. Judging by the songs he’s whispered in my vicinity, I’d judge his musical taste falls under the heading of ‘hair metal.’ There is something to be said for having ‘November Rain’ being whispered in your ear after a long day at the office.
  • The Sass. The Sass apparently reserves all of her phone conversations for the bus. I personally enjoy this, as eavesdropping is probably my third favorite pastime. Thus far I’ve discovered that 1) her parenting M.O. is “as much work as I have to do and no more, mmm’kay?” 2) Her romantic partner is both “fiiine” and “good at what he do” 3) Her job is making her “lose her damn mind.”
  • The Kenyan Lawyer. I’m not sure that he is actually either Kenyan or a lawyer, but he look delicious enough to be both. Yummmm.

Who are your favorite public transportation characters?

Notes on Show-going

photo by jere-me

Dear Minneapolis Hipsters,
Did you know that when are you at a concert, it is considered acceptable, nay encouraged, to occasionally engage in dancing? An intermittent knee-bob, a head-nod and even a shoulder wiggle are all baby steps in the right direction! It breaks my heart when I see you standing quietly in your skinny jeans, staring at the stage. I will be the girl in the back, booty dancing to indie folk pop.
Also.
Dear Liam Finn and The Veils,
Please don’t be disuaded by the crowd’s lack of dancing. We’re Minnesotan, we can’t help it. And Liam? You are my second-favorite small, bearded, joyful man. Consider yourself warned.

Adventures in Non-Traditional Adulthood: Planting Trees in Canada

Planting trees in Canadaphoto by margebarge

(This is part of our series on Non-Traditional Adulthood and the adventures to be had)

Finance Your Adventures: Planting Trees in Canada

My friend Tyler Eddy is awesome for many reasons. A list, you say? 1) He seems to have two first names 2) He is earning his PhD in something awesome and ocean-related (I think he’s a dolphin whisperer) 3) He has traveled the world, financed by his summers spent planting trees in Canada. Amazing right?! Tyler was gracious enough to answer a few questions o’mine about how to get into the tree planing game.

How did you hear about tree planting as a way to finance your adventures?

My first year of uni. 18 years old. The girl from the room above me and i became close (she would beckon me with kicks to her floor, my ceiling) and told me about this job tree planting where you could make good money while working outside and sleeping in a tent. she wanted me to spend the summer in her tent with her while doing it. i had other plans about our immediate future so joined another company and have known no other serious income (except for the employment insurance benefits that come with the terminus of a season) ever since.

How did you find a job planting trees in Canada? How did you feel about said your planting job?

Word of mouth. I had some friends that were working for a company and gave them a call. after a quick coffee meeting on campus with one of their representatives i was in. except they wanted a $100 deposit to make sure i was coming. I wasn’t sure what to expect but knew i wanted to get out of my parent’s house for the summer after newly tasted freedom at university. hated it. then loved it. then hated it again. then loved it. then hated it and sat on a stump crying and of course my foreman came to check on my trees at that moment. but by the end of it had made $200 in a day and was hooked. went home for a month in july and came back in august to plant some more.

How did you find housing for your tree planting job? How did you feel about said housing?

I had the mountain equipment co-op catalog (Canadian purveyor of all things outdoors) and ordered the tarn 3 tent and -5 sleeping bag (synthetic fill, much too cold, i froze during those early may nights dipping well below the freezing point). I was happy to be living outside and perched my tent on the edge of a small cliff overlooking the lake. It felt like a sanctuary from the long horrific days of my rookie season.

How much money did you make planting trees in Canada?

The first season I was a bit slow to progress (I was a late bloomer) but by the end of it I got better and made $200 in a day, which is a good goal for a rookie season. By season 9 I averaged $500 US/day. If I don’t make $400/day these days, I’m pissed.

What kind of people did you meet while planting trees in Canada?

all sorts. ski bums. college students. travelers. drop-outs. surf bums. musicians. old crusty lifers who never smile, Africans with smooth french, Quebecois with indiscernible french, girls that are tougher then most men i know.

What was the most challenging thing about your Canadian tree-planting job?

bugs. planting in the rain. bugs. planting in the snow. bugs. planting in the hail. bugs. waking up at 6am when it’s 10 below freezing. bugs. tendinitis. bugs. being told you have to replant. bugs. just planting another tree and not stopping. having every square millimeter of you chewed by bugs as well as the corner of your eyes and trying to hide yourself on your trip to town.

What was the most rewarding thing about planting trees in Canada?

meeting the best friends of my life. sharing the highest and lowest point of my life with them. traveling around every nook and cranny of Canada. planting up a mountain, stopping at the top to turn around, admire the view with eyes squinting in early light and take a deep breath. Hitching from Calgary to Vancouver with my best friend to see the west coast for the first time after reading ‘on the road’ by Kerouac while in a helicopter-access isolation camp in the Yukon where the sun never sets for a month. receiving a paycheck for five figures, excluding cents. getting dropped off in the morning, bagging up trees for the first run, smoking a doobie while looking at the land, choosing the soundtrack on the i pod and knowing that if you work hard and plant all 4000 trees as you plan you will make $600 that day. a warm beer after a hard day of work. having a five-star restaurant cook prepare the most amazing food for you everyday. night-off campfires with guitars and music blasting from trucks and people shotgunning beers and letting loose after working hard. being physically challenged everyday. living outside for three months straight. meeting the girl of my dreams and knowing she can handle pretty much anything that life throws at her.

Would you ever keep planting trees in Canada long term?

I am halfway through my Ph.d and show no signs of stopping. After finishing my degree I hope to plant in order to buy land in Nova Scotia. When it comes time for a family, I would like to be more permanently based.

What suggestions would you have for anyone else who wants to finance adventures by planting trees?

Make sure you know what you’re in for. Buy a good sleeping bag and a good pair of boots (shoddy tents can always be covered with a blue tarp). Find someone good to work for. The best planters will make no money with a poor company as this is piece-rate work.

Adventures in Non-traditional Adulthood: Teaching ESL Abroad

How to Teach ESL Abroad as a Non-Traditional Adult

(This is part of the Non-traditional Adulthood Series, in which we expound on the joys and adventures to be had whilst avoiding mortgages and babies.)
If you’ve got a taste for adventure or a bad case of wanderlust, teaching ESL abroad is a great way to pay off your loans while seeing the world. The college+wedding+babies formula isn’t for all us … in fact, a very large percentage of us take a less traditional, more scenic route reaching the destination that is Grown-up-ville. Why not have a good time while figuring out who we are and what we want?! Teaching ESL abroad is a great way to do this and see the world too!

Now friends, I will not lie to you. Moving abroad is an undertaking and it is crazy difficult at times … but most things worth doing are, right?! Teaching English abroad is also one of the best things I’ve done with my life. And it’s never going to get easier than when you’re young, cute and mortgage-free! So here are a few basics about teaching abroad to get you headed in the right direction. Bon Voyage!

Where should I go to teach abroad?

Well, that is a rather important aspect to the journey, isn’t it? ESL jobs are relatively easy to find, especially outside of Western Europe and particularly in Asia. You should have a really big think about what you want out of this adventure. Some good questions to ask yourself are:

  • Do I have a second language I’m keen to practice?
  • What kind of climate works for me?
  • How much money do I need to/want to make?
  • How do people in this country react to people like me? (This is a pretty important one. How do they treat Americans? Women? People of your ethnic background or sexual preference?)
  • Do I want to go someplace that’s westernized or quite remote?

Once you’ve answered these questions, do a little nosing around the internet to research the countries you’re interested in. Transitionsabroad.com is hugely helpful and include realistic profiles of many ESL-rich countries.

Where do I find a ESL teaching job?

As with many things, ESL teaching jobs are online! You really have two options: lining something up ahead of time or going to your country of choice and finding something once you get there. Both options have their pros and cons. Lining something up ahead of time could mean free airfare, training, being met at the airport and job security. It can also mean being stuck in a job or town that you’re not too keen on. Finding something once you get there may equal higher pay, better benefits and a working environment that fits you. But it also means all the normal stress of finding a job – but in a foreign, non-English speaking city. Wicked stressful, yo.

If this is your first time traveling in a non-English speaking country or teaching ESL, I would probably recommend trying to get something lined up before you go. Do some really in-depth research on your potential employers – check out expat online message boards and see what they have to say about the company and ask your school if you could chat with a few of their current employees. English schools vary hugely so it’s really important to find one that’s right for you. There are approximately a gajillion ESL-job sites online; some of the best are esljobs.com, eslemployment.com and Dave’s ESL cafe.

Do I need a qualification to teach ESL abroad?

Maybe. It really depends on where you’re going to teach English and what you’re hoping for. If you want to teach in Bangkok for a year, backpack around SE Asia and see your fill of Ladyboy shows, you probably only need a B.A. and a native-speaker accent. If you want to teach in Europe for several years, you’ll probably need a qualification. Qualifications range from month-long TESOL certificates to two-year Masters Degrees. However, if you just want to go to Asia for a couple years of sake-drinking fun, don’t feel that you need to undertake a course to get a job.

What about (a million other little things) about teaching abroad?

I had heaps of questions before I moved to Taiwan … could I buy breakfast cereal there? Would the keyboards have English on them? Would it be difficult to be a vegetarian? The best way to find the answers to all these quandaries is to hunt down the ubiquitous expat online message board for your country of choice. These message boards are positively thick with people aching to give you input and help you learn from their mistakes. Take advantage of it!

So get out there! Grab your passport, strap on that giant backpack and have an adventure teaching ESL abroad!