Thursday, July 10, 2014

New Thing: Attend A Professional Wrestling Match

Each year I make a list of new things I want to try - some of them are super difficult others are so boring you'll reconsider my success as an adult. You can read about previous adventures here.



When I originally created this year's list of new things I (rather ambitiously) included 'attend a Lucha Libre match.' But I had zero luck finding one during my three weeks in Mexico.

Which is how I found myself ringside with three dude friends, watching a wrestler called 'Yellow Dog' mime peeing onto a competitor's head. 


If you, too, are a child of the 80s, you grew up well-versed in the antics of pro wrestlers. My childhood best friend (a boy named John who always wanted me to help him dig 'holes to hell' in the bottomless sandbox) was obsessed with pro-wrestling and preferred playing 'Hulk Hogan and Miss Elizabeth' to playing house. I didn't particularly care to play either of those but, like every other kid from my generation, I knew alllll about spandex and fake fights.

If you've never been to a professional wrestling event I'd imagine that once is enough (I mean, it was for me) but I totally, totally enjoyed it. Each wrestler has a character, a costume, and something of a backstory.

For your enjoyment, I've ranked my 'favorites.'

6. Playboy Pete Huge. Known for being cough well-endowed, Pete enters the ring doing a dance to indicate pride in his anatomy.
5. 6% Body Fat Rob James. One very fit guy with an Alabama Thunder mustache wearing zubaz and t-shirt that reads "Diabetes Ain't Sexy." He berates the crowd for their "doughy Midwesternness" though, ironically, he has a butt that could be described as "womanly."
4. Yabo The Clown. Creeeeepy.
3. The Yeti. A dude wearing what looked to be an old, full body (!) gorilla suit with a pair of black speedos on top and a homemade mask. I become very concerned that he's going to overheat and faint.
2. Yellow Dog. A man wearing a yellow vinyl mask (with droopy ears, obviously) and yellow vinyl pants with a tail. At one point he's carrying around a chew toy in his mouth. A few times he leg humps opponents.
1. The Wild Cat. A masked 'crime fighting feline' who carries a giant ball of yellow yarn and gets the crowd amped up by SCRATCHING AT THE AIR WHILE PEOPLE CHANT 'MEOW MEOW MEOW.' A.ma.zing. 

Have you ever been to a pro wrestling event? What did you think?

3 comments

  1. My 27th birthday party theme was WWF: Heroes and Villains, and I went as Stephanie McMahon, complete with green sequin cutout dress, crimped hair, and toy championship belt.

    I haven't watched in years, but it's been on my life list to go to a live WWE event since my friends and I were obsessed in early high school. I finally went to Survivor Series this year in Boston- I'm glad I went, the energy was great and we had a blast, though like you said, once is enough!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awesome! One of my college friends was OBSESSED with WWE when we were in school!

      Delete
  2. Lol. This is pretty funny. I have been to a number of wrestling events and have seen some of the guys you mentioned. It's like - this is totally offensive, but dang if it ain't super exciting too! It's kind of a fun release to get into the cheering and jeering. Even though you said you'd probably not go again, I strongly recommend checking out Mondo Lucha in Milwaukee (great road trip). Totally insane and silly and very well-produced - a lot of fun even if you're not really into the wrestling scene.

    ReplyDelete