International Nibbles

One of my favorite things about traveling (or, umm, life in general) is stuffing my greedy little face with new delicious things. I've been a vegetarian for 18 years, so my international gastronomic experiments are usually a bit limited, but can we talk about some of the best ones? Good, I thought so.

Brazil: Branquinhos
I'm prrrreeeettty sure 'branquinho' translates to "tiny white." Well, either that or "ball of mellow, melty goodness." I have fond memories of standing in a tiny Brazilian kitchen, rolling these into balls with my curly-haired host sisters.

I can't find a recipe online but I suspect it goes like this "Mix together some sweetened condensed milk and butter. Cook. Drop spoonful of goopy delicious goodness into some sugar and roll into a ball. Promptly eat seven and make yourself sick while watching South American soap operas"

Vietnam: Bun Chay
The first time I ate this was in Hue, Vietnam when my friend and wandered off the proverbial beaten path and into a broken down bar along 'The Perfume River.' We sat in plastic chairs in the shade, drank frighteningly strong coffee and nibbled on this: a fantastic salad of cold rice noodles, bean sprouts, pickled jicama and carrots, peanut sauce and fried tofu.

My mouth is filling with saliva as I write that. Yuuummmmmmdroooollll. Here's a recipe for bun chay if you're keen to play along at home. Or, if you live in the Twin Cities, hit up Trieu Chau for the best Vietnamese this side of the Mekong.

New Zealand: Pavlova
Light, sweet, kind of a pain to make. But who cares? I will very happily whip egg whites till my arm falls plum off if it means eating a slice of New Zealand's national dessert topped with whip cream and some passion fruit. Or some deliciously under ripe kiwis. Or strawberries. You can try your hand it at, following this recipe.


Taiwan: Stinky Tofu
When I first smelled the Stinky Tofu vendor outside of my apartment in Chung Li, I was fairly sure that a sewer had overflowed. Or that a dead body was about to be discovered. Or a dead body was about to be discovered in an overflowing sewer.

However! As bad as it smells, that's as good as it tastes. Fact. Don't let that wimpy Andrew Zimmerman tell you otherwise. I used to buy a carton of these fried tofu cubes topped with sri racha and pickled vegetables from a street vendor every day for dinner. That is, until my students started pointedly asking me what I'd been eating. Awkward.

If you're feeling adventurous, here's a recipe for stinky tofu that you can make yourself!

Taiwan: Dan Bing

It's only a matter of time till someone starts selling these amazing crepe/onion/egg/burrito hybrids and becomes a millionaire overnight. Imagine at an onion laced burrito (made with rice flour), a thin layer of scrambled egg, your choice of bacon, cheese or onions and an unidentified brown sauce.

And now imagine that they cook it in front of you in 30 seconds and you can buy two, plus a latte for $1.50. And then you can eat it on your Hello Kitty scooter. Awesome, right? This recipe tells you how.

Brazil: Pao de Queijo

When I was teaching in Brazil, my daily walk to work passed by the world's most adorable bakery. Coffee and warm, cheesy, carb-y goodness became part of my daily routine. Finish class, eat three pao de queijo, sit on the balcony overlooking the park, drink a coffee that would keep me up long enough to make calls home late into the night. Lovely!

I can't wait to try to make my own with this recipe.

Greece: Greek Yogurt
I'm still not sure how I was able to leave Greece under my own leg power. I rather expected that someone would have to roll me over the border. So much amazing food around every corner. Moussaka! Various tapenades! Ouzo! 8 million different cheeses! My travel journal from my month in Greece mostly consists of detailed analysis of my meals. Well, that and my increasingly awesome tan.

Greek Yogurt makes an amazing breakfast - and obviously no recipe required (Greek yogurt + fruit + honey + walnuts). For a long time I felt like it was too decedent for weekday breakfasting, but lately? I've been feeling decadent.

New Zealand: Avocado Toast
I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I have had four pieces of avocado toast already today. It's 3:22 pm as I'm typing this. Maybe this gives you an insight into the depth of my obsession with avo toast. Again, no recipe - just really good toast, plus mashed avocado (usually one fourth of an avocado per slice of bread) and a bit of salt.

Of course, avocado is most perfectly paired with The Best Bread In The World, NZ's own Vogel's. But, if you're stateside, English Muffin Toasting Bread is a semi-decent stand in. So. good.

What treats have you discovered while traveling?

101 Ways To Cheer Yourself Up: Part 2

This is Part 2 of Steff Metal's inspired guest post on the many ways to pull yourself out of a funk. Do check out Part 1, as well!

51. Indulge a Guilty Pleasure
Whatever it might be. I am partial to eating Tim Tams and watching Dr. Phil, or listening to the Rasmus. Be proud to be silly.

52. Have Something Delicious Delivered to your House
Don’t go for the normal pizza – see if your favorite Italian or Moroccan restaurant do deliveries? Will the bakery send you out a fresh-baked loaf? Bask in the glory of ringing someone up and having hot food arrive on your doorstep. It’s a wonderful world we live in.

53. Tourism!
Dress up like a tourist (shorts, shirt, camera, “bum bag”, ridiculous hat, guidebook in back pocket) and go do something really touristy: whale-watching, the tourist bus tour, or go to the over-priced amusements. Talk loudly, take hundreds of photos.

54. Clothing Attack
Find all the clothes in your wardrobe you don’t really like and attack them with hundreds of studs and spikes. I bet you like them better now, right?

55. Invent Music
Buy a silly instrument – a harmonica, a tin whistle, a recorder, a djambje, anything as long as it’s inexpensive and makes noise. Be loud and enthusiastic in your playing.

56. Feed Ducks
Make a “feel happy” soundtrack of your favorite songs, and stick it on your MP3 player. Put on your favorite walking clothes. Walk to your local park or river, stopping at the dairy on the way to pick up a loaf of bread. Walk through the park listening to your favorite songs, a find a good stop to sit down a throw morsels of bread to the ducks and geese.

57. Secret Squirrel
Find a secret place. Your secret place should be high up, with a great view. Look for tall trees in the park, abandoned buildings with easily-scaled roofs, or unknown nooks and niches above bridges. Take yourself there when you feel blue, listen to music or read a book and watch the city unfold around you. Be careful climbing to your secret place – falling from your favorite tree won’t cheer you up!

58. Buy Silly Slippers
In the cold of winter, your feet need all the warm they can get. A pair of ridiculous slippers – shaped like dogs, penguins or Eric Adam’s loincloth – cheer you up.

59. Otherwise Know As …
Decide on new nicknames for all of your friends. Send them a text or email to let them know their new nickname, and call them that from now on. The more outrageous the nicknames, the better. Nicknames make a person feel loved, like they’ve reached a new level of intimacy with you.

60. Rise and Shine, Sleepyhead
Changing your morning routine can alter your whole day. If you shower at night, try showering in the morning, just after you wake up. What do you eat for breakfast? DO you eat breakfast? We need to change that? Do you open the curtains? If not, open them wide! Do you get up too early? Too late? Change up your routine for a week, and measure the affects on you whole persona.

61. Wake-up Call
Change your alarm clock to something fun. On our epic Europe adventure we had “Morning Manowar”. I tell you, nothing makes you more excited to get up and explore castles than “Hail and Kill” at 7am.

62. Find a Totem
A totem is an embalm representing a creature or object you feel a strong connection with. Carrying a totem on your person gives you the sense of being able to draw power from associating yourself with that creature. It’s a little new-agey, but I also think it’s quite metal.
My totem animals are cats, and birds – specifically ravens and ducks. We made friends with ravens in Norway, and ever since, I’ve fallen utterly in love with them.

63. Experience New Things
Find a list of “what’s on in your town”, and for a week, do something new every day. Alternatively, search travel websites for reviews of off-the-beaten track things to do in your area – sometimes backpackers find the gems you’d never otherwise discover, because their hearts and minds are actively searching for those experiences.

64. Lego
One day I was feeling crap, my husband snuck out of the house. He returned 20 minutes later carrying a huge box. What was inside? A lego viking ship! We spent the afternoon making it up and having high seas viking adventures. Best. Cheering. Up. Ever.

65. Write a Personal Manifesto
Who are you really? What are you about? What makes you tick? What morals and beliefs do you follow? Write yourself a personal manifesto – who you are, who you want to be and how you’re gonna get there. For more info on manifesto writing (an artform in itself) read about Nothing Elegant’s Blog Manifesto project

66. Open an Etsy Shop
If you’re a creative type, why not see if you can sell some work online. Etsy is a great place to sell handmade crafts or vintage collections. You don’t have to try and make millions selling your work, but list a few of your best pieces and see how you go.

TIP: The key to success on Etsy (as far as I can tell) is to list lots of items, so your stuff shows up in more searches. Try to list an item a day for 30 days – you should start to see more regular sales once you have over 50-100 items in your shop (which is what I’m currently working towards). It’s only 20c to list an item, so you not going to bankrupt yourself.

67. Make Someone’s Day
Mark Twain said “the best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer somebody else up”. The man speaks truth. Call an old friend up, just to say hi. Text someone and tell them they’re awesome. Take any idea from this list and do it for someone else, instead of for yourself.

68. Gratitude
Write a Gratitude List – I do this sometimes on the blog. It’s called Up the Irons! and it’s a shout-out to everything good in life. Sometimes, when you concentrate on the bad, you forget all the little things making up the world of good.

69. De-Clutter
Clean out a drawer, cupboard, desk or room you’ve filled up with stuff. Pile up old clothes and books to give to charity shops, and toss the rest away (or recycle it, if you can). You don’t need so much stuff, and having a clean desk/room/drawer feels like having a clean start. I feel instantly fresh and inspired after cleaning my eternally cluttered writing desk.

70. Light a Fire
Don’t you find something oddly comforting about a live, roaring fire? My family has always had open fires blazing throughout winter – I’ve never owned a heater till I moved to Auckland and lived in a hostel. We would sit round the fire at night and eat dinner, do our homework, watch TV.

If you have an open fireplace, light a fire in your living room and curl up next to it with a book and a bag of marshmallows. Hot chocolate, pikelet mixture, jam and chocolates work a treat, too.
If not, can you make a fire in a drum in your backyard? (check your local law about this). Pull up a chair, a can (or horn) of mead and a steak sandwich. Taste the night air on your tongue.

71. Fresh Fruits and Vegetables
A diet of highly processed foods deprives us of much-needed nutrients, and nutrients make us happy. So give yourself a nutrient feast – find your local farmers market and spend up large and the freshest, most delicious fruits and vegetables. Toss into a salad, bake into a pie, boil up in a big vat of soup, or just enjoy raw with olive oil and hummus.

72. Play Board Games
You’re going to need a partner for this. Dig out all your “old school” board games – Monopoly, Hamburger (my favorite, cuz it’s about food), Mousetrap, Trouble, UNO, Blackgammen … whatever you had as a kid, and play them all. Make fairy bread and drink orange juice and wrap yourself in big blankets.

73. “Get Away From It All”
I’ve never been an advocate for this method of dealing with an issue, because you’re bound to find the issue waiting for you when you return from your sojourn. But sometimes, you just need a break from the world. If you know you need to “get away” for a few days, really get away. Skip town, and don’t take your cell phone. Go bush. Pack your tent and billy and find a corner of the wilderness unpopulated with human life. Relish the stillness of a world untouched by urban living. In the clarity of fresh air, all your muddled thoughts sometimes become crystal clear.

74. The Old Fashioned Way
I bake bread every day. EVERY DAY. I don’t use a breadmaker, or any prepackaged mix. I make bread the old-fashioned way – the way humankind has made bread for 10,000 years.

Throw away your modern conveniences and learn to make something to “old-fashioned” way. Can your own tomato pasta sauce, squeeze your own orange juice, make your own beer (I’m doing a home-brew course this year – exciting!), bake a loaf of bread from scratch … kneading that bread is therapeutic, trust me.

75. Build a Fort
Need I say more?

76. Up in the Air
This isn’t cheap, but I guarantee it will cheer you up. Go on a hot air balloon ride.
We took a hot air balloon ride over Cappedocia in Turkey. Not cheap (wiped our Middle-East budget clear out) but worthwhile. I never expected the sensation of being inside a hot-air balloon to feel like it did – everything is still. You can’t feel wind. You just hang, and bob along. You can hear everything happening on the streets below. Amazing.

77. Beach
Maybe it’s just a New Zealand thing, but nothing says relaxing and good times like going to the beach.

Go to a deserted beach – they’re easy to find if you know where to look. Pack a picnic lunch. Roll the legs of your pants up and run through the surf. Clamber over the rocks and find little fishies in the tide pools. Build a sandcastle. Watch the sun set over the water.

78. Adopt a Pet
If you feel lonely, give part of your home to an animal without one. Every day, the SPCA and other animal shelters rescue hundreds of unwanted, neglected pets, and if no one comes to adopt them … you know what happens. It’s shameful and we should all do our bit for these animals.
Scientists have proven stroking a cat induces healing and reduces feelings of loneliness and anxiety. Pets love unconditionally, and they always know just what to do to make you laugh.

79. Karaoke
Who thought up such a ridiculous idea? And yes, as silly as karaoke seems, it’s immensely popular and lots of fun. Can’t sing? Neither can anyone else. Just do the best you can. Ham it up, be OTT ridiculous. Death growl if you have to.

80. Sparklers
Wait until fireworks go on sale in November, and stock up on these little packets of joy. Bring out a few sparklers to light up your BBQs over summer, or just dance around the backyard when you feel a little feral. Spell naughty words in the air, have a dual against a tree, or just pretend you are a fire fairy. Sparklers rule.

81. Ice Cream Parlour
Find your nearest ice cream parlour, and order the largest, most ridiculous sundae on their menu. Eat it all. Don’t feel guilty.

Or, better yet, make your own concoction at home. Give it a hilarious name, like “Steff’s Epic Metal Sundae Mountain of Doom”, cover it in whipped cream, frosting, crumbled biscuits, cut-up Mars bars, nuts, sprinkles, chocolate chips, cherries, bananas, blueberries, sauce, fudge, sherbet and anything else you can think of. Eat it all. Don’t feel guilty.

82. Old School
Go to the library or a second-hand bookshop and find some of those series books from the nineties: the ones you undoubtedly read: The Baby-Sitters Club, Sweet Valley High, Pony Club, Goosebumps, Fear Street. Read them all again. Damn, weren’t they terribly awesome?

83. Community Classes
My husband and I are taking German classes at a nearby high school. It costs us $89 for seven 2 hour lessons, with all materials included. The school runs classes in everything: from burlesque dancing to Metalworking to Indian cooking. They are cheap, they are run by enthusiastic, experienced teachers, they are filled with interesting people, they enable you to learn new skills. In short – community classes are awesome.

84. Notebook
Buy yourself a fancy notebook, and a nice pen. I love Black Spot Books and Bibliographica who hand bind journals they’ve created using recycled leather and found materials. I also like Immortal Longing’s Shakespeare-inspired journals. Lots of people adore Moleskeine journals, but I honestly don’t see the difference between them and any other notebook.
What will you use your notebook for? Oh, the possibilities!

85. Random Club
Open your gig guide, close your eyes, and point. That’s where you’re going tonight. Dress inappropriately, and make the best of it.

86. Starry Night
Find your local observatory or planetarium. Show up for one of their evening lectures – they normally set up telescopes so you can look at celestial bodies. Better yet, take a course in astronomy. Amaze yourself at just how busy it is out there.

87. Sleepy Time
If you can spare the dough, buy new sheets and a duvet for your bed. Find something completely luxurious in a your favorite colour. Make over your bed, and you make over your sleep.

88. Facebook Friends
You know all those random “friends of friends’ who keep adding you on Facebook? Strike up a conversation with one of them. You know you already have something in common, and they added you so they can’t think your a serial killer or anything. Who knows, a “friend of a friend” might turn into an actual friend.

89. Dinner and a Movie
By Yourself. Yes, go out on a “typical” date all by yourself. Eat at your favorite restaurant (and don’t bring a book. You don’t need to distract yourself from your own company), and then go to a movie you really want to see. Buy yourself all the treats YOU want to eat, sit wherever you want (I love sitting right in the front row, and I fold all the armrests up and lie down. Cushiony!)

90. Love Letter
Write someone a love letter in chalk on the steps up to their apartment or the pavement outside their flat. Use several colours. Hide and watch their reaction when they see it.

91. Signature Cocktail
Pull all the liqueur bottles out of your cabinet and line then up on the counter. Now, go to the fridge and pull out all the liquids and fruits. Do the same with the pantry. Now, line up all your shot glasses and start mixing! You’re searching for the perfect signature cocktail. This involves lots of taste-testing. Be daring, be crazy. Give your drink a wacky name. (This is an also excellent way to use all those liqueur bottles people have left with half a centimetre of liquid inside.)

92. Road Trip
Road trips kick ass. A car, good music, an adventure, bad food, what more could you want? I love a trip when you know roughly where you’re going, but you don’t have a specific schedule, so you can stop and look at random things on the way. On the last road trip I went on – up to a campsite by a lake – we stopped to take air-guitar pictures outside a picturesque white chapel in the middle of a rolling field. Next, we made faces underneath a duck-crossing sign.

93. Collect Something Interesting
It could be anything – I collect miniature trinket boxes (I want to start collecting pill or snuff boxes exclusively), and fossils, and I used to collect locks of hair. My husband collects vintage books about trains. I have a friend who collects typewriters, another who collects statues of elephants.

Once you’ve decided on your collection, spend hours scouring eBay or Amazon and making a huge wishlist of all the items you want to add to your collection. You probably can’t afford to buy them all, but maybe splash out on just one.

94. Pay off Debt
Owing people money stresses me out. I feel like a failure if I haven’t budgeted accordingly to be able to pay for something in cash, or I have to borrow money from a friend.

So sit down and make a plan. Many people find great success in Dave Ramsey’s “Debt Snowball” plan: you write a list of all your debts in order of how much money is left on them. You make sure you’re paying the minimum on each, except for the one with the least amount left to pay back. You throw everything else you’ve got at that payment, and as soon as you’ve paid it off, you throw everything at the next smallest, and so on. It’s not the most cost-effective way (if one of your larger payments has a much higher interest rate) but most of debt repayment is about staying focused, and it’s hard to stay focused if you don’t see any results. Getting rid of each payment is like a little present for all your hard work – you stay motivated.

95. Paddle
You can buy a decent-sized wading pool at Wal-mart. Fill it with water (warm or hot) and bubble bath. Pour yourself a glass of wine and have your own private spa in your backyard. I like to do this at night when you can see the stars.

96. Celebrate random holidays
You might have realised by now, I’m a big fan of celebrating random and made-up holidays. I’ve written before about remembering Dimebag Darryl and having a metal Christmas, but I’m sure you can think of lots of ideas for random or made-up holidays.

Celebrate the birthdays of your favorite writers, musicians and artists. Celebrate crazy religious holidays – Gala Darling wrote about celebrating Holi – a hindi festival where everyone throws coloured powder over everyone else. It looks like the most fun ever.

97. Let Go of Useless People
On a couple of occasions I’ve had to let go of friends who were hurting me. They were good friends and good people and I loved them and didn’t realise what a negative effect they had on my life, until it was too late. Sometimes, loving someone isn’t enough, when they expect you to carry them too.

Let go of the people who cause you pain. Set them free to find themselves. Be the hero – be the person brave enough to say “this isn’t working and it has to end.” Letting those people go was like a huge weight lifting from my chest. I’m a firm believer that if the friendship is meant to be, it will come back, stronger than ever. And ending a friendship doesn’t undo all the wonderful, amazing good times and experiences you had together.

98. Embrace another Culture
Choose a culture or time period you don’t know anything about, but have always been fascinated with, and start reading books and websites. Whether you choose ancient Egypt, Communist Russia, Imperial China, the Maori or the Inuit, start a love affair with another time or place.

99. Mmmmm, Sprinkles
Bake a cake for a friend, or for your colleagues at work. For no reason, except “just because”. I find the act of baking theraputic – no matter what’s going on in the world, you still stir the batter, lick the bowl, and make your house smell amazing. Plus, you get to surprise someone with cake.

100. Hug someone
I love hugs – they’re my favoritest thing in the whole world. If you hug someone (a friend, a parent, a lover, a stranger), chances are, they’ll hug you back. Yay, hugs for everyone!
TIP: If you ever meet me, give me a hug. I will love you forever.

101. Talk to Steff
Even if no one else cares, even if no one in the whole wide world wants to listen to you moan or growl or cry or scream or laugh or sob or growl or smile – I do. Shoot me an email at steff@steffmetal.com – I always answer.

Thanks for the fantastic guest post, Steff!

True Story: My Ex Tried To Rape Me

This is part of our True Story interview series, in which we talk to people who have experienced unique and challenging things. This week's interview is special because it is not, sadly, incredibly unique. I'm sure you know the statistics: every two minutes, someone in the United States is sexually assaulted. Sixty percent of sexual assaults go unreported. Many, many of the women I know have experienced aggressive, unwanted sexual attention. This is Elizabeth's* story.

Before this happened, what were your feelings about sexual assault?
I consider myself to be an independent, modern, and educated woman. I was and am a strong advocate of women's rights and equality. I believed in speaking up for yourself, voting, and fighting against injustice. I was also a Sociology major in college with an interest in women's studies and sexuality. My definition of sexual assault was any unwanted sexual advances in the form including penetration, inappropriate touching, and/or verbal abuse. I was also a strong advocate of the phrase, "No means no!" and was a black belt in karate.

I liked to think I was invincible and could bench-pressed cars and wrestled bears in my free time. That being said, I thought rape and sexual assault were awful things that shouldn't happen to anyone, but I didn't think that anything would happen to me. Rape just seemed like something that happened in the back alleys of sketchy neighborhoods that I didn't frequent. If I did go into those areas, I would be ever-vigilant and made sure that I was either with someone, or prepared to drop an attacker with a well-placed kick to the groin.

Can you tell us about your relationship with the man that attacked you?
We met in college. We both belonged to the same club on campus. We had been dating for about two months before we mutually agreed to split up. He was a tall, energetic guy - the life of the party. I liked his spirit and we had gotten along alright, but it wasn't meant to be. My friends didn't really like him much, but who really listens to their friends when you're dating someone new that you really like?

What exactly happened that night?
After our split, we remained friends. When school let out for summer break, we decided to drive 500 miles to my hometown for a week, where he could visit his cousin. One night, we decided to hang out at his cousin's place. He had bought a case of beer earlier in the day, and the two of them wanted to drink. Since I had to drive home after, I stayed sober. The two of them drank their way through the entire case of beer (one of the big cases that have like 24 beers in them) while I hung out and watched TV. I eventually fell asleep on the floor.

When I woke up, the cousin was gone, and the ex had just come back in the room after smoking. He came over and started kissing me. Out of habit, I kissed him back, although I wasn't feeling it. He started taking my clothes off. I stopped kissing him. He mumbled something about "wanting one last time together, for old time's sake." I stiffened and remembered a time when we had sex when I wasn't physically ready. It had hurt. A lot. Also, we weren't together anymore! Why did he want to be together if we weren't an item anymore in the first place?? I told him no.

He tried fondling me under my shirt. I squirmed away and told him to stop, but he took off my pants and shoved his hand down them. I tried rolling away, but he was on top of me. I considered using some of my martial arts, but this was a man that I considered my friend. How can you hurt someone you care about? I kept resisting for what seemed like forever until the vast amount of alcohol he drank caused him to pass out. Then I pulled on my clothes and left, angry.

How did he react when you told him "no"?
He seemed to think that I was kidding. He had told me before that I introduced him to "passionate and angry sex" because none of his other partners liked it "rough". And by rough, I mean I liked a little wrestling sometimes, maybe an ass slap here and there. Nothing major. Rape play wasn't something I was really into (although if you are, safe words are key!). Let me get this straight: liking it a little rough and saying "no" are *two different things*. He apparently thought I was just playing hard to get when in fact, I wanted nothing to do with him.

When did it occur to you that what you had experienced had been an attempted rape?
It occurred to me as I left his cousin's house that he had violated the terms of our friendship, but I didn't identify it as "attempted rape". I blamed myself for it because I felt I had "led him on" by kissing him back in the beginning. For half an hour, I sat in my room thinking that it was my fault and that I could have prevented it by not going over there in the first place, not staying as long as I did, and not kissing him. Then I mentally slapped myself for thinking such things. I didn't ask him to force himself on me. Just because we had a relationship before doesn't mean he can have me whenever he wanted. It was perfectly natural to fall into old habits with an ex because it's comfortable and familiar, but that doesn't mean that I owe him anything or that he could continue touching me after I said no. I felt violated and angry, but I didn't classify myself as a "victim", nor did it occur to me that I had just survived an attempted rape. Rape was something that happened to other people, not me.

Could you tell us about the aftermath of this attack?
After a long and silent car ride back to the university, I didn't really talk to him too much afterwards. I was mad at him. I had confronted him the morning after the attack online about the incident and he didn't even know it had happened! When I told him how it made me feel, he signed off. I never got an apology. We hung out a few times after that with some mutual friends of ours, but he never apologized and never acknowledged that anything bad had happened between us. It was frustrating, and I stopped talking to him.

When Fall quarter started, I took a fantastic class called the Sociology of Sexuality. There was a guest speaker one day. He was from an organization on campus that educated men on how they could educate themselves about sexual assault on women and how to protect the women around them. He started telling this story:

"One day, a young girl goes to a party with her friends. They're laughing, drinking, and having a good time. She sees a cute guy and starts flirting with him. They have fun, dance a little, and drink some more. It turns out they have similar tastes in music. He asks her if she's heard the new CD that their favorite artist has just released. She hasn't. He asks her if she would like to come listen to it in his room. She agrees and tells her friends that she'll be back and not to worry about her. Her friends look the guy over and tells her to call them if she runs into any trouble. She laughs and says alright, and walks out the door.

"At the guy's place, he puts the CD into his computer and turns on the music. They sit on the bed together and drink and talk. He puts his arm on her shoulder and she leans into him. He kisses her. She kisses him back. Things start to get a little heated and he slides his hand under her shirt. She stops him and says, 'I'm not ready for this.'

"He says, 'That's fine, I totally respect your boundaries.'

"They go back to kissing. He slides his hand up her shirt again, and she stops him for a second time. She tells him again, 'Sorry, I don't want to go too fast.' He says it's fine, and they continue making out on the bed. Then she blacks out from the alcohol.

"She wakes up and he's on top of her. He has taken off her clothes and is inside her.

"Is this rape? Did she consent because she kissed him? Does it still count because they were drinking?"

When I heard this story, I started crying. I started bawling my eyes out right in the middle of lecture because the story resonated with something inside me. I felt like the girl in the story because I felt like it had been my fault. That I had let it happen. That because there was alcohol involved, I couldn't say anything about it because everyone would say that it was my fault. It was at that moment that I knew that there was something wrong and that I needed to seek help as soon as possible. Luckily, there was a fantastic sexual assault resource center on campus that I went to the very next day.

I started therapy and continued it for about a year. One thing that my therapist said to me that really hit home was, "What happened to you was not your fault. You had no way of preventing it from happening. You cannot control the actions of another person. You can only control how you let those actions affect you."

I think that year was definitely the hardest year I've ever had to face, emotionally. On most days I'd be fine and go about my business, when all of a sudden I'd hear a song on the radio, or read a story, or see a picture that reminded me of him. Of the betrayal of trust. Of the violation that happened. Then I'd start crying for no reason at all. Other times, my boyfriend and I would be getting intimate and I would freeze up because something would remind me of what happened. It was frustrating because I felt like I was healing from my emotional trauma and all of a sudden these emotions would hit me out of nowhere. I kept thinking to myself, "It's been x number of months already. Why am I still feeling like this? What's wrong with me?"

Taking baby steps definitely helped me. First I needed to figure out what kind of closure I needed. Once something like this happens, my therapist told me, it's a violation of trust. It's a traumatic experience that is different for everyone, and when you've been emotionally ripped open like that, you need closure (like a bad break-up). *How* you get that closure is different for each person. For some people, it's seeking criminal charges. For some people it's as simple as getting an apology from your attacker. For others, it's being able to put the past behind them and never speak of it again.

How did the people in your life respond when you told them about this?
I am extremely fortunate to have so many supporting people in my life. My biggest pillar of strength was definitely my current boyfriend (not the ex who attacked me). He is always there to support me, listen to my rants, or simply hold me when I cry or have flashbacks. He was completely understanding, even if he didn't know what to do. He's extremely kind, gentle, understanding, and doesn't demand anything of me that I can't handle. When I'm feeling particularly vulnerable, I know that I can depend on his support. I definitely couldn't have done it without him. :)

My friends also helped and listened when they could, although they weren't sure what to do about the situation. They would be understanding, but not know how to react or what to say. Because I minimized the situation, it seemed as though I wasn't affected by it as much as I was. I think if I had gone to them crying immediately after it happened, they would have gone and tarred, feathered, drawn and quartered the man.

Did you file charges against the man who attacked you?
Sort of. I filed charges against him at my university. The files went on his student record, rather than his criminal record. I did this because at the time, I still wanted to protect him, for some reason. I wasn't out for vengeance, because I'm not a vengeful type of person. I wanted to *teach* him to be a better person, because I felt like he was a little misguided and needed help to become a better person.

With the school, he had to join Alcoholics Anonymous and take a seminar presented by the person who spoke to my class about sexual assault. I believe they also sent a letter to his parents. I thought that being lenient would help him out and give him a scare, rather than turning him into a criminal and making him register as a sex offender everywhere he went. Of course, it didn't work and he didn't learn a thing from it. I'm not too happy about that.

Do you feel that this experience has effected the way you view yourself/men/sex/relationships?
Yes and no. I feel a little more jaded about meeting new people, but I, luckily, am in a long-term, committed relationship with the most wonderful man in the world. However, I am more skeptical of some of the guys my girl friends meet. As for me, I feel like I have a scar on my emotional psyche, but it's an experience in my life that has made me stronger. I can handle anything else that life can throw at me because I know how I react to emotional stress and how I can recover from it.

How did you finally get closure?
Even with the therapy and the great support of my friends, I never really felt like I got the closure I needed. I knew that he was still the same guy that he was before and hadn't learned from the classes that the university made him attend. I was moving on with my life, but something about that chapter of my life just holding me back, somehow. I wasn't sure what it was. I thought that maybe pressing charges against him would help, but I would have to go back to my hometown (500 miles away) to press charges. It would also drag up all the messy details of what happened back into the light, and open all of the old wounds I fought so hard to close.

A few months ago, I found out that he was in an election in the club where we originally met. This would put him in power over many new and unsuspecting freshmen girls in the organization if he won. I made it my mission to go to the election, expose him to the world as the fraud that he was, and ruin his life in the organization forever. But I couldn't. I went to the elections and confronted him face-to-face, ready to fight... and he told me to get out of his way and to stop bothering him. Then I realized something. I didn't get the closure I wanted because I needed an apology from my him.

All these years, and he's never once come up to me, e-mailed, texted, called, or IMed me to say he was sorry. Ever. It was like I didn't even matter to him. He was just the asshole that everybody told me he was. The second chance that I gave him was a waste. Nothing I said or did would ever make him into the kind, mature person that I wanted him to be. And with that, I let it go. I let all the hate, all the frustration, and all the pain go. I was not going to let this one person ruin so much of my life. I had other things to do. I had places to go, people to love, and real friends who cared about me and who weren't like him.

I still sometimes get flashbacks, but they aren't nearly as crippling as they once were. I've come to terms with what happened and am finally at peace with it. He's an asshole that isn't worthy of my thoughts anymore. Do I sometimes wish I had pressed charges against him? Yeah, but it's not something that I'm going to pursue because, like I said, he isn't worth my time anymore. I'm not his babysitter, and maybe karma will come back and bite him in the ass for me.

What advice would you give to other women or men who have experienced something similar?
Find someone that you trust and talk about it. Talk to a therapist. Talk to a friend. Educate yourself on what happened to you, how you can fight against it, and the steps that you need to take to heal. Most importantly: DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. What happened to you was in no way, shape, or form your fault. It was the fault of your attacker. Your attacker is the one who did this to you. He or she is ultimately the one who made the decision to violate your personal space and trust. There was no way that you could have read their mind and stopped them from doing what they did. Understand that you did not give them consent to violate you. Here's a great definition of consent:

Consent is based on choice.
It is active, not passive. Silence and passivity do not equal consent.
Consent is possible only when there is equal power.
Giving in because of fear is NOT consent.
Giving in or going along with someone to gain approval or to avoid being hurt is NOT consent.
Consent means two people (or more) deciding together to do the same thing, at the same time, in the same way, with each other.

Find out what options are available for you and how far you are willing to go to seek closure. If you wish to press charges, speak to a trusted lawyer and learn what your options are. Be strong and know that unfortunately, some people will work against you and try to make you look bad. If you are afraid to leave your situation because your attacker is in a position of power over you, talk to someone who specializes in domestic or office abuse. Finally, believe that you *can* make it past this point in your life and that you *will* become a stronger person for it. You will always carry the emotional scars with you, but they do fade in time, trust me. It will take a long time - much longer than you want it to - but it will happen. You'll have ups and downs and it'll feel like your life is over and it isn't worth living, but you *will* get through this.

Some great resources that I've found are Women Said and Shrink4men The second link is mostly for men who are in an abusive relationship, but I find it to be one of the best resources out there for someone who is currently in an abusive relationship. I also find the UC Irvine campus assault resource page to be extremely helpful, and there's a section for friends of a victim as well.

If someone you know is currently going through a situation like this, visit the UC Irvine website. Listen to their story. And most importantly, do not judge them. Don't accuse them of getting into a bad situation. We all make bad decisions. It doesn't make it any better if you remind them of it. Encourage your friend to seek help. Seek help from a trusted source yourself, because no matter how good your intentions are, you most likely do not have the training to help your friend get over what happened. Professional help is THE best way to get through this for everyone.

I would be more than happy to answer any questions you may have, and if you would like to remain anonymous, send me an e-mail at dinosrevenge @ gmail . com. Thanks for taking the time to read my story and a big shout out to Sarah Von for hosting this series!

Have any of you experienced sexual assault? Any questions for Elizabeth?

*not her real name

An Idea Worth Stealing

I saw this on Post Secret last week and was overwhelmed with a desire to write hilarious, futuristic emails to all the strangers who leave their accounts open at the public library. What would you tell them?

Saving Yourself

credit

101 Ways To Cheer Yourself Up: Part 1

In the event that your Spring is more grey, overcast and melty than sunny and daffodil-filled, have a read through this truly fantastic (and exhaustive) list of ideas to get yourself out of a funk by the lovely and talented Steff Metal!

1. Have a pyjama party
In bed. Just you, something (or someone) to snuggle, a laptop, notebook or sketchpad, some rad music, a good movie, and a hot cup of chocolate. It’s the perfect antidote for dreary weather or cancelled plans.

2. Sushi
Buy one of those “make your own sushi” kits from the supermarket, and learn to roll your own little roundels of heaven. Once you get good at the traditional Western “chicken teriyaki”, experiment with kooky flavors. My favorite sushi is avocado, cream cheese and pineapple. No joke.

Eat your sushi sitting on the floor watching kung fu, Japanese horror, or a good ole-fashioned anime tentacle sex-scene.

3. Send Postcards
Buy a packet of ten postcards and send a note to your friends – even the ones you see every day. Tell them how awesome you think they are, and how much you love hanging out with them. Or, if you want to be less sappy, just quote some Manowar lyrics and tell them they smell. I even make heavy metal postcards for just this purpose!

4. Share the Cookie Wuv
You are going to a gig at the local metal bar. Bake a batch of cookies and bring them along to share. You have now made 50 new friends.

5. Poetry
Find poems you like and hang them on your wall or write them on your diary. Every time I read words fitted together like an intricate puzzle, I feel like the whole world is magic. I really love the work of Catullus and Henry Wordsworth Longfellow and Richard Brautigen and Dean Koontz. Even old Aliester Crowley created remarkable imagery.

A Boat

By Richard Brautigan

O beautiful

was the werewolf

in his evil forest.

We took him

to the carnival

and he startedcrying

when he saw

the Ferris wheel.

Electric

green and red tears

flowed down

his furry cheeks.

He looked

like a boat

out on the dark

water.

6. Dress Up
Create outfits of ridiculous clothes and accessories to do mundane tasks. Walk the dog in your bondage pants and Pantera shirt, vacuum the house in a tutu and high heels, buy milk at the store in nothing but a trench coat. (I’ll let you invent your own definition of “ridiculous”).

7. Make Magic Everyday
Learn a magic trick – it could be something a simple as a card trick or a slight-of-hand. Practise until you’re really good, and delight your friends next time you see them. Don’t give away your secret.

8. Ich bin ein Stern
Buy a packet of glow-in-the-dark stick-on stars (you know the ones). Sneak into a friends house while they’re away, and decorate the ceiling of their room. They probably won’t notice till they turn off their light.

9. Laugh
Watch a DVD of one of your favorite stand-up comedians. If you don’t have a favorite stand-up comedian, I suggest you get one! Here be my favorites: Dylan Moran, Ed Bryne, Eddie Izzard, Flight of the Conchords.

10. The Royal Bedchamber
Make a canopy and coronet for your bed. Go to the fabric store and choose luxurious fabrics – chintz and brocade and lace and satin – in your favorite colours. Gather them on the ceiling and tie them to the corners of your bed. You can attach curtain rods to the ceiling to create a dramatic canopy. If you have any leftover fabric, make a few simple pillows to match. You are now a princess.

11. Paper Hat
Wear a paper hat. You don’t have to stick to the simple boat-shape. Why not design a paper bowler hat, beret or top hat? I have a mini-top hat with a flower I made entirely from Braille paper, which I do wear out on occasion (I shall find a picture)

12. Healing Stores
Go to one of those hippie shops and buy yourself something weird – a homeopath treatment or some incense or a dream catcher or a reiki massage or whatever they’re got on offer. Hell, what have you got to lose?

13. Bathtime
Run yourself a bath. Gather together all your exquisite bathroom pampering treatments – all the luscious soaps and decadent shower gels you haven’t opened because they’re “special” and you don’t want to use them up. Open them all. Use them all. Take the phone off the hook, put up a do-not-disturb sign, pour yourself a glass of wine or mead, put on some relaxing music, and read a book, or stare at the ceiling.

14. Bubbles!
Blow bubbles. You can buy little jars of bubble mixture at those $2 shops, or make a simple bubble mixture at home using dish washing liquid, water, and sugar or corn syrup. TIP: Storing your solution for a day can actually lead to better bubbles.

15. Fly a Kite
I never forget the thrill of a kite soaring through the sky, tugging at the string in a desperate attempt to be free. Some shops rent kites – a friend and I rented one from a shop on the Gold Coast once, but you’d have to google your area to find out where they are. Better yet, make your own kite.

16. Trim
Find one of those treasure-trove fabric and trimming shops with hundreds of bits of old lace and rooms of buttons and bins of fabric offcuts. Set yourself a budget – say, $15, and find a mad ensemble of items. Take them home and decorate a hat, headband, bag, necklace or bag.

17. Midnight Snackage
Invite someone over for a midnight snack – someone who makes you laugh so hard your stomach hurts. Eat nachos from the plate together and giggle. Last night, a friend and I stayed up late watching old favorites from our DVD collection and eating apple and rhubarb crumble.

18. Sexy
Wear a suspender belt ('garters' if you're American) with stockings. All day, every day. Even if your a guy.

19. Bells
Wear bells around your ankles. You can buy ankle bells at medieval markets. I love them, although you can never sneak up behind someone to surprise them.

20. Inexpensive Pampering
Go to a shop like “Lush” and spend some time smelling everything. Then buy yourself a little treat. Many people like to buy incredible handmade soap from Etsy – I don’t, because I live in NZ and the shipping makes it horrendously expensive. Plus you loose out on the smelling – the smelling is the important part.

21. Hydration
You should drink water more often – it’s good for you and makes you feel happy. But it should also be fun. Buy yourself a water bottle – not one of those one-use plastic ones, but something grymm, like a stainless steel masterpiece or a skull-shaped bottle. Or find yourself a beautiful vintage glass bottle and use that. I bet you’ll feel like a pirate!

22. Out, out, dammed spot!
Quote Shakespeare at inappropriate moments. If you’ve never developed an appreciation for Shakespeare, it’s never too late to pick up a copy of Richard III or a Midsummer Night’s Dream. Or why not go against the grain and read some Ben Johnson or Thomas Marlowe instead? They were bloody good, too.

23. Ancient Foibles
If you really, really can’t understand the modern English, read Aristophanes – an ancient Greek comic writer. He’s hilarious. Seriously, laugh out loud funny, especially if you have a passing knowledge of ancient Greek culture and mythology. Try the Lysistrata, a play about a group of wives who are desperate to stop the war between Athens and Sparta and bring their husbands home to sleep with them – so desperate, they declare a SEX STRIKE until the war is over. Hilarity Ensues.

24. Presents!
Buy or make an amazing gift – like a mix CD of your favorite songs or a beautiful box of chocolates – and wrap it in a big box with a pretty ribbon. Give it a tag saying “to you”, and place it in the middle of the sidewalk outside your window. Watch how long it takes before someone picks it up.

25. Watch-word
Change your passwords on your email, your bank, your paypal account, everything, to words that make you smile. Banana, elocution, evisceration, duped, muggle, flippant, pumpkmen, snooty, sneed, salacious … the possibilities are endless!

26. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot
Find a playground in your area. Swing on the swings. Better yet, if you have a backyard with a tree, build a swing for yourself. I find all the world’s problems can be solved by a little swing-time.

27. Love your Fear
If you’re afraid of something, tell yourself you actually love it. I’ve found if you tell yourself something often enough, eventually you’ll believe it. I used to be afraid of thunderstorms, until I started telling myself I loved them: the epic display of nature’s prowess, the anticipation of waiting for thunder, that feeling of being warm and safe inside. Now I love them.

28. To the Theatre
Go and see a play. No, not a movie. An actual display of live theatre. You can find descriptions of plays on theatre websites – local productions cost about the same as a movie ticket, and they often give student discounts. You could travel even further from the norm and try the ballet. I went to the ballet once, and loved it, although it was a production of Dracula. The costumes … sigh!

29. Write to Your Idols
Compile a list of all the people in the world you want to meet – all the amazing artists, writers, musicians, actors, thinkers, dreamers and activists who’ve inspired you over the years.

Start emailing them and making contact. Tell them everything you’d want to tell them in real life – how they touched your life and inspired your own creativity, which of their works had the greatest impact on you, what you think of their latest project. Ask their opinion on matters concerning the world and point them in the direction of your own work. You never know, you might even get a reply!

30. Read Outside
There’s something very peaceful about reading a book under a tree, or while sitting on a wooden bench in a deserted rose garden.

31. Join the Library
I lived in Auckland for four and a half years before I joined the public library, and, although I had access to the university library, I regret my sojourn from fiction books. Now, I work right next door to the library, and I’m reading a book or two every week. Plus, you can use the Internet there for free, and they run fun events and readings and competitions.

32. Break from Technology
Stop watching TV for a week. Unplug the modem. Live in the real world totally and utterly for a week. Sometimes I feel as though we live too much of our life online, and we make contacts, but no real connections. Get out into the world and experience RL for a week – if nothing else, you’ll have something interesting to write about when you get back to your blog.

33. Haiku
The very act of focusing your thoughts into a haiku relaxes and empowers you. (For those of you who don’t know, a haiku is style of Japanese poetry: the first line has 5 syllables, the second line 7, and the third line 5. Write all your emails in haiku.

34. Krieg Up your Wallet
I bet you keep your money in a plain leather wallet, don’tchya? Well, find something cooler. What about this fleur-de-lys Stone Hinged wallet? Or this Steampunk Gear leather wallet? Or a gothic cigarette tin wallet?

35. Re-create your Food Lust
Think of your favorite food at your favorite restaurant. Now, scour the Internet and all the fancy cookbooks for a likely recipe. Buy all the fresh ingredients and attempt to make your fave dish at home. You probably won’t succeed, but you might come up with something even nicer, or, at the very least, a new appreciation of the skill of your favorite chef.

36. Green Thumb
Buy a weird plant and take care of it. By weird, I mean a deadly nightshade or Venus flytrap or sarracenia or nepenthes. Check out this gothic garden livejournal community for more ideas.

37. Hang Windchimes
I’ve always loved the tinkle of windchimes and crystals. I lined the entire length of my window in my room at my folk’s house with various chimes – ceramic bells I strung up with beads, clear crystals that sparkle in the sun, blown glass droplets which make an incredible sound when they clink together, a ceramic wind chime, dream catchers, African animals with bells … it’s so colorful and cheery.

38. Re-vocabise
During my second year of uni, a friend and I embarked on an important and dangerous mission: to banish those horrid words “like” and “totally” from our everyday vocab, when used as a sentence filler “You’re like totally kidding me?” or “I want to, like, find that shirt I lost.” So every time I’d say one of those words, she’s interrupt me and I’d have to say the sentence again, without using “like”. After awhile, your brain gets sick of being interrupted all the time and you stop saying them. It worked for a good two or three years. They’ve crept back into my vocab, and my writing, but I aim to remedy this!

39. Learn Braille
Yes, you read correctly. You’re probably not blind, but you could learn Braille anyway. First, you learn to read the dots with your eyes and interpret them as letters, and then you learn contractions “ed” and “and” and “st”, etc. It’s super easy, like learning a secret code, and will make trips in elevators more fun.

Also, you learn something of what it would be like to lose one of your senses. You understand that, no matter what happens to you, the world keeps turning, and dragging you with it. You can survive anything.

40. Alternatively, learn Sign Language
For the same reasons above.

41. Wear a Mask
If you’re feeling lonely and self-conscious, why not hide your face with a mask? If you want to hide away, hide behind a wall of latex or leather or sequins or lace. You can find venetian masks at Masquerade Magic or cyber masks at Obscuria.

42. Exercise
You know exercise is good for you, and it makes you feel good. So exercise! Run around the block, do star jumps in the living room. Find the local ice-skating rink or rock climbing wall, hike through the park, practise yoga, salsa dancing or burlesque (you can find lots of free lessons on youtube).

43. Archery
I am legally blind. I can barely see three feet in front of my face. Yet I love archery. Strutting around with a massive bow and arrows in your quiver feels awesome. I’m constantly posing like I’m in Lord of the Rings. Archery takes concentration, a steady hand and a keen eye (or a good spotter). It’s a sport you do outdoors, rain or shine, by yourself or with a friend. There’s no shouting, no balls flying everywhere, no team rivalry … just you and a bow and your own internal challenges.

44. No One at Home
Change your voicemail message to something hilarious. Mine says “Hello, you’ve reached Steff’s cell. Unfortunately, I can’t come to the phone right now, as I’m preparing for the imminent zombie apocalypse. If you’re listening to this, I suggest you find yourself a sharp implement and head to your nearest shopping mall.” All the messages I receive begin with the callers giggling.

45. Worship a new God
Go to a religious service of a religion you don’t belong to and don’t believe in, (only if this is allowed and you’re not offending anyone). Really embrace the experience with an open mind and try to learn something about who these people are, who they believe in and how their faith affects their everyday life.

46. High Heels
Make yourself a pair of stilts. All you need are two sturdy planks or wood, and two wooden squares to act as footholds. Bolt / nail / glue the squares to the wooden planks, sand down the rough edges and practise your high walking!

47. Participate in Operation Beautiful
Operation Beautiful’s mission is to put up anonymous notes in public places for other women to find. The notes say “you are beautiful” and give the Operation Beautiful web address. I’ve put up a few around Auckland, and I hope they made somebody’s day.

48. Music
Dig out your favorites – the music that makes you feel the world is full of wonder. Play loud, sing along, dance on the bed, throw your arms around, headbang, smash something, slow dance with your cat.

49. Realise a Lifelong Dream
Have you ever had a dream come true? I can’t describe the feeling – like everything in your whole life has lead up to that moment, and nothing will ever make you sad again.

I’ve wanted to see the Great Pyramids since I was … ooh, about seven. And when I stood there, and I touched them, and I went inside, I cried. Not very tough, I know. But they were more incredible than I could ever imagine. So get out there and make a lifelong dream come true.

50. Decide on a Lifelong Dream
Maybe you’ve never had a dream come true because you don’t have a dream … or you don’t think you do.

Write a list of things you wish you could do before you die. Keep the list nearby you and ad items to it constantly. Even write down the dreams you have for other people. Do you want to see your child succeed or your partner quit their job and pursue a lifelong passion? Add that to the list, too.

You’ll discover certain items on the list tug at your heart-strings more than others. These are your dreams. Knowing what they are is your first step to achieving them.

Hello, StumbleUpon Friends!Thanks so much for popping in to my wee corner of the interwebz.  If you'd like a few more posts that offer inspiration without nauseation, may I suggest:
* How To Create An Amazing Group of Friends
* Settle The Eff Down (Or: How To Avoid Psyching Yourself Out)
* How To Get Over A Break Up
* Happy-fy-ing Your Home

For The Love of Bed Jumping

Do you guys remember the awesomeness that is bed-jumping? There was an entire section of our basement devoted to two old, saggy queen mattresses, perfect for backflips and wrestling matches and general prancing. These days I'm fairly certain my downstairs neighbors wouldn't be too impressed with my backflips. As such, I will just to take solace in these fantastic photos. Le sigh.

all photos via this awesome blog

Are you a bed-jumper?

Not Mattress Stuffing: What To Do With Your Tax Return

Ahhh, Spring! When a young lady´s thoughts naturally turn to tax returns! Wait, what? Though not quite as tantalizing as Marc in accounting, tax returns are one of the joys of this time of year. And if you, like me, earn approximately $2, you can count on some serious bank. But since we´re all trying to be grown ups here, how´s a girl to spend that?

Pay off Credit Card Debt
But you knew that already, right? Riiiiight?! It´s not a particularly sexy way to spend your money, but super important and, in the long run, you´ll be really, really glad you did. If the siren song of Visa often overwhelms you, stick those credit cards in a bowl of water in the freezer.

Contribute to your IRA or 401K
Yes, again. Deeply unsexy. Super important. Your 65 year old self will thank you!

Invest in Yourself
You are your biggest asset, yo! Why not take a class or workshop that will make you a little more pinkslip proof? Maybe you can learn how to write grants, use that software that nobody in the office understands or create a basic website. If that doesn´t float your proverbial boat, use a bit of this money to buy supplies for your Etsy shop, buy a laptop to help along your freelance writing or get some wicked headshots to kickstart your acting career.

Green up Your Living Space
Because I love any excuse to feather my nest. And this excuse is pretty damn valid! Low flow shower heads, fluorescent bulbs, water heater blankets, non-toxic cleaners and compost bins all go a long way towards reducing your carbon footprint. And after spending money on all that un-fun stuff, you can probably validate a wee shopping spree at global exchange, a fair trade retailer that helps artisans from developing countries sell their wares at fair prices.

Donate to Your Local Food Shelf
With the downturn in the economy, more and more people are accessing food shelves, and fewer people are donating to them. Help turn that around with a cash donation or even just donating all those canned peaches you´re never going to eat.

Buy Something Fabulous and Frivilous
After all that do-goodery and responsible spending you deserve some tomfoolery! Maybe add a classic piece to your wardrobe that will last forever? Or splash out on a really nice haircut? Or fly to Vegas for the weekend with your girls! Buy yourself something fantastic that will bring you compliments and memories for the months to come.

How are you going to spend your tax return? I'm investing some, donating to a program that provides refugees with garden plots, socking a lot away for my trip this Fall, and splashing out on a proper, non-$13 haircut!

Reposted from last year because I'm knee-deep in developing a new Yes and Yes product. Coming next week hopefully!

Your Caboodle: All Grown Up

Last week I joyfully picked up a tin of slick and shiny pink lip gloss - you know the type: apply it with your finger, your hair gets stuck in it and it wears off in approximately 3 minutes? And it occured to me that this was exactly the same stuff that I'd been rocking in eighth grade. Surely there must be a slightly more adult version out there somewhere! I turned to my friend Elizabeth of Beauty Bets to keep us informed.

Like most kids, my first job was selling lemonade on our street corner. I was probably the only one, however, who took her earning to the drugstore to buy makeup. Lavendar Cover Girl eyeshadow to be exact. I wasn’t even allowed to wear makeup at that age, so I stuck it in the freezer for safe-keeping (don’t ask) and put it on when I lip-synched to Madonna’s Borderline in the living room. Ah, the 80s.

I actually get a little nostalgic when I think of the products I used to carry around in my Le Sportsac. But then I realize that I’ve actually just replaced them with adult versions that work, smell, and look a whole lot better:

1. Then: Noxema
Now: Bliss Fabulous Foaming Face Wash ($22) – So refreshing and tingly like the now-infamous cold cream, but infinitely gentler!

2. Then: St. Ives Apricot Scrub
Now: Dr. Hauscka Cleansing Cream ($27) – Almond meal replaces harsh grit, minus the preservatives, chemicals, and drying effects.

3. Then: Oil of Olay Original Beauty Fluid
Now: Ole Henriksen Herbal Day Crème SPF 15 ($35) – Packed with antioxidants and fruit oils, this rich cream blows the pore-clogging pink stuff out of the water.

4. Then: Bonne Belle Gel Blush
Now: Stila Convertible Color ($25) – A sheer, budge-proof wash of color for lips and cheeks in beautiful shades you’ll want to collect

5. Then: Mood lipstick
Now: Smashbox O-gloss ($22) – Shiny and soft (not green in the tube), this gloss reacts with your skin chemistry to transform from clear into your own custom shade of pink

6. Then: Hawaiian Tropic suntan oil
Now: Bobbi Brown Beach body oil ($28) – Now that vacation means wearing a heavy-duty sunblock, I dab this luxurious oil on my shoulders to take me of someplace tropical

7. Then: Sea Breeze astringent
Now: Caudalie Beauty Elixir ($16) – Instead of stripping my normal/combination face with alcohol, I spritz it with this minty, hydrating tonic or set or refresh my makeup

8. Then: Village Lip Lickers (the ones in the sliding rectangular gold tins!)
Now: Fresh Rose Sugar Tinted Lip Treatment SPF 15 ($22.50) – The smoothest, most luxurious lip balm ever, this imparts a red stain and comes in a chic metal tube

9. Then: Salon Selectives shampoo
Now: Kiehl’s Rice & Wheat Volumizing Shampoo ($18) – I’ve tried them all, but this volumizing shampoo actually works—and smells like roses!

What was stuffed in your childhood makeup bag? I was all over Dr. Pepper Lipsmackers (ummm, still am) and all things Wet n' Wild.

True Story: I Compete In Pageants

This is part of our True Story interview series in which we talk to fascinating people about interesting/amazing things that they've done. This is Ashley's story of her experiences with pageants.

How did you get into doing pageants?
Growing up, I loved watching Miss America and wanted to compete in pageants, but I didn’t compete in my first pageant until I was a senior in college. After watching Miss Congeniality one too many times, I decided I wanted to see how the movie compared to real life.

The first pageant I entered was a state pageant in the Miss USA system, and I learned so much from watching the girls who had been competing in pageants their whole lives. It was a surreal experience (you really can use hairspray as butt glue!), but it was, also, fun and very interesting, so I decided to try some more.

How many did you take part in?
I have competed in four pageants so far: one state, one local, and two national.

Can you tell us what the other contestants were like?
Pageant girls come from all walks of life, and I am always impressed by the other contestants’ confidence and intelligence. I’ve met some wonderful people including a baton twirler, a Special Olympics spokeswoman, and a marine biology student. The last few years pageant girls have been getting bad press, and I think it is so unfortunate that they are stereotyped as one type of person. Contrary to popular opinion, every contestant isn’t like Drop Dead Gorgeous.

At a pageant a few years ago, my family could not afford to attend any of the events. I met a girl who was competing to help pay for law school, and we bonded over having no one in the audience to cheer for us. Her parents had not been able to make the trip, but when she learned that my family was with me but couldn’t afford the tickets, she bought two tickets for them so that we could have someone in the audience cheering for us. It was a sweet and unexpected gesture, and her thoughtfulness still means so much to me.

What are some common misconceptions about pageants?
1. Miss America is the only American pageant. - Miss America is one of the largest pageant organizations, but there are lots of other systems such as, Miss USA, Miss International, Miss Galaxy…

2. Miss America fell down at the Miss Universe pageant. - Both years it was actually Miss USA; Miss America does compete at Miss Universe because it is a different system. It’s surprising how many legitimate media outlets reported it wrong.

3. You have to have a talent to compete in pageants. – Not all pageants have a talent competition. Miss America does require a talent, but Miss USA and many others do not.

What kind of questions are you asked in the interview?
All kinds. There are books out there with questions to help you train for the interview, but the actual questions I’ve been asked in competition have been pretty random, covering a wide range of topics. I’ve been asked:

How would you describe the color blue to a blind person?
Who is your role model?
If you were a makeup brand, what brand would you be?
If you could ask the President one question, what would it be?
If you could be on the cover of a magazine, what magazine would it be?
Do you think the glass ceiling still exists for women?
What’s your greatest accomplishment?
If your friends described you as a verb, what verb would it be?

What's the most challenging aspect of doing pageants?
For me, the most challenging part of competing in pageants is raising the money to compete. A lot of girls get sponsors, usually financed by friends and family-run businesses, but I don’t usually have sponsors because most businesses in my area are corporate run and do not contribute to individuals. So, I typically pay most of my expenses myself. Pageant entry fees, program ads, hotel, travel, and competition wardrobe all add up, so you can end up spending a couple thousand dollars (or more).

What sorts of things have you won in pageants?
Pageant goodie bags are wonders to behold – makeup, clothes, jewelry, bags, water bottles, coupons, toiletries... Gift bags are my weakness, but I end up giving a lot of it to friends and family because it doesn’t fit or I have doubles, etc.

How did people react when you told them that you were doing pageants?
People were very surprised. To be fair, I am nowhere near six feet tall and rarely go swimming because it means people will see me in a swimsuit ☺ However, I am a very determined person, so their disbelief made me want to compete even more.

Would you recommend the pageant world?
Yes… and no. I’ve learned a lot about myself from competing in pageants, but I haven’t always found it to be the best confidence booster. While pageants are supposed to build self-esteem, they can, also, have the opposite effect – you are being judged on your body after all – so I think it is important to be confident in who you are before you compete. A sense of humor, also, helps because all of a sudden walking becomes a big deal, and you start thinking things like, “What if I fall walking down the stairs?”

Do you still do pageants?
Last year I took time off to pursue other interests, but I would like to compete in more. I enjoy the drama, making new friends, and having an excuse to dress up. I hope to raise money to compete in another pageant in the near future.

Any advice for ladies interested in doing pageants?
If you are under 24, I recommend competing in a Miss America local because they offer mock interviews, basic pageant training, and the fee is only $100, which I believe still goes to the Children’s Miracle Network. There are a lot of pageants out there (Mrs., Ms., Miss, Teen, Petite, Plus, Heritage, Mail-in…), so with a little research, you can find one that suits you. Do check references to make sure the pageant is legitimate and find out if past contestants enjoyed their experience.

Have any of you ever competed in pageants? Any questions for Amy?

Two More Reasons To Love Marilyn

Reason #1 The above photo.

Reason #2 This quote: "If I'd observed all the rules, I'd never have got anywhere."

Becoming

Yes Spaces: Laura of NELLE handbags

Did you guys know that I'm a total dork for design? Like a "ZOMG, is that an original Eames?!" caliber design dork? It's true. I've been thinking about adding an occasional feature here on Yes and Yes called Yes Spaces - the apartments and homes of people that I know. Gorgeous, inspiring spaces that have not been curated by professional interior decorators and stuffed with $5,000 sofas. Rather, lovingly decorated apartments filled with thrift finds and IKEA purchases that were chosen by interesting, artisic non-professionals just like you and me.

Do you guys remember my amazing friend Laura? The one that built up a burgeoning handbag empire with a library book and a second hand sewing machine? Not surprisingly, her apartment is equally inspired, filled with one part (semi) high design and two parts Grandma's leftovers. Let's take a gander shall we? And try not to get too much drool on the big mid-century dining table, okay?

Where'd you get all the great bedding? And that headboard?!
The bedding is a collection that I've gathered over the years from TJ. Maxx, Ikea, and Pottery Barn. My mother and I often joke about our obsession with bedding, we both have extensive collections, and are fanatics about the quality of the textiles. Sleeping is serious business in my family. I highly recommend playing like the Europeans and purchasing a duvet with a duvet cover in lou of a top sheet and quilt.

I sewed together the pillowcases and with the help of my father constructed the burlap headboard using a piece of plywood, burlap, batting, a staple gun, and heavy- duty wire. The headboard is hung securely to the wall like a picture.

The leather bench and sisel rug are hand-me-downs from my grandmother.
*Side note: I find excellent deals for Pottery Barn bedding on Ebay, you can shop for unused sheets and duvet covers there.

How does one layer patterns without looking like the bed-equivilent of a bag lady?
In our old apartment we had an all blue bedroom, not my favorite, not my choice. So when we moved into the new place I wanted a bedroom that was colorful and vibrant, I almost painted the wall coral but balked at the last minute and went for a shade called Smoked Oyster. I think that my fiancé was relieved by the new selection.

Mixing patterns can be a little intimidating but really it is simple; 1) select a color story to work from it can be as many colors as you want. 2) Mix together large and small-scale prints. 3) Toss in a piece that seems unexpected and quirky, I chose the seashell print black and white pillowcases & the burlap headboard for texture.



Tell us about these paintings and frames!
These paintings are the work of my Grandmother, I am lucky enough to have a small collection of 8, which depending on my mood I pair together in different ways. The frames are her selection for her work.

When grouping art, I lean towards pairing particular techniques or mediums together, rather than themes or colors. In either fashion of interior design I think it is better to mix than to match. Matching tends to look overworked and devoid of personality.

How cute is that lamp? Did you pay one million dollars for it?
Truth, I got those lamps for a steal of a deal at the old Macy’s Flea Market. The lamps are by Nicolette Brunklaus , they are part of her Hidden Royalty series and retail for close to $300 each, I got them for $50 a piece! SCORE!! The rugs are from IKEA, and the woven twig basket with all the magazines is a hand-me-down from my grandmother.

What's the story with this mirror? Do you actively curate your bookshelves?

The frame was a $20 garage sale find from years ago. It’s vintage, plastic, and the paint is chipping away but I thought that it was divine. Our bookshelf is an extension of my studio space as well as a landing area when you first walk in the door. It contains all of the books that I use to learn from & inspire me. My fiction books are sadly packed away in boxes or resting on my nightstand in a pile. I am a huge bookworm and could literally line the walls of our place with my book collection. There are 2 books that have been out on every bookshelf that I have had since I was under the age of 10. A hardcover copy of The Secret Garden and a destroyed paperback called Bicycle on the Beach, if you squint and cross your eyes you might be able to find them.

Where'd you get the sweet safari chair and guard dog?
My fiancé is not a fan of the chair and lamp, this is a perfect example of where are differing tastes collide. The chair is Hollywood Regency in style and is another Craigslist find. My tip on accent chairs is avoid the traps of mass market chains and search instead for a used chair with good bones. Don’t be concerned with the fabric as you can always attempt to reupholster it later. You’ll end up saving a ton of cash and adding personality to your space.

Spot, the dog, has been in my Grandparents house for decades and my Grandmother recently gifted it to me. When I was a little girl my family raced sled dogs so when I would visit my Grandparents in the city Spot would be my dog away from home. I use to kiss him in his black nose and pat his head!

I'm very busy hating you for scoring this gorgeous table.
My fiancé found the table on Craigslist, he has a thing for Midcentury, specifically Danish teak design. While I like and appreciate Midcentury my taste is a little more eclectic – you might say that I am a junker. So when he brought home the table I was not in love. I couldn’t decide if it was a gem or just a table. I worried that it read bargain basement rather than vintage find. He loved the table and part of being with someone is compromise so we kept it. I decided that the table needed some “styling” and opted to embrace the modern lines and theme of it with acrylic white chairs from Target. Guess what? I LOVE the table and chairs it is one of my favorite pieces in our space.

And now I'm busy hating you for having this view. I know you used to live in a smaller place in Uptown. Why'd you move here?

We made the move to because I needed more space for NELLE, my accessory design company. Finding a place, with the space we needed, that was in our budget was quite a challenge. Lucky for us some condos that were originally built to be sold became available for rent and happened to be in our budget.

The neighborhood we live in is in a wonderfully diverse section of Minneapolis called Midtown. We live above Midtown Global Market, which houses a bevy of restaurants, shops, and food stands all owned and operated by people of different cultural backgrounds. It is a global bazaar of culinary delights and on any given day we can enjoy cuisine from all parts of the globe.

Thanks so much for showing us around, Laura! Any questions for her, you guys?