With some regularity, readers ask me if I am, in fact, part robot. How can I work full time, update this blog on the daily, plan a world tour and maintain some semblance of a social life?
There are two answers to this question, friends:
1) I'm a German/Virgo/eldest child. It's like a perfect storm of perfectionism and over-productivity. (See also: part robot)
2) I'm single.
Rather, I have a Gentleman Caller that I see once or twice a week. We walk his dog, make dinner, watch hulu, canoodle. The rest of the week? I meet friends for drinks, work my plot at the community garden and attempt to juggle my many, many projects. And I had the realization last week that Yes and Yes's growth has been directly proportional to the amount of time I have to myself.
This is not to say that my ex-boyfriend was unsupportive of Yes and Yes - he was very supportive. But just like most things I do, I want to be The Best at relationships and I want to give them the time and the attention they deserve. And I felt that my relationship deserved more attention than my blog. Now, for the first time in a looooooong time, I'm not living with a partner. I don't spend my weekends attending a pseudo-sister-in-law's baby shower or going to a bbq with his ultimate frisbee team. I'm not splitting holidays between two families or going to dinner at his boss's place. Every moment that I'm not teaching? It's up to me how to spend that time.
Of course, the life of the unattached lady is not all pink drinks and expensive shoes. I have much less discretionary income now that I'm not splitting bills with anyone. The only one who listens to me complain about my day is Putin, my cat. I have to deal with the mechanic/landlord/lecherous repairman on my own. Snuggling is limited.
But life is nothing so much as a series of compromises, right? It's merely a matter of which compromises fit this particular time in your life. In the past, I've traded some of my free time and a bit of my independence for stability, companionship and love. Currently, I'm giving up some expendable income and emotional support in exchange for the freedom to spend my time exactly, precisely how I want to. And for the moment, that suits me juuuust fine.
I want to know about you! Are you single? Married? Do you have kids? How do these things effect your creative life and your goals? Which do you prefer? Would you change your situation given the chance?
At the moment, I am in a live-in relationship, work a normal 9-5 job, have just started an etsy store, and a blog, and am trying to maintain my friendships as best I can, and need to save to travel home to Australia later in the year (I live in London). All my own choices, but I feel under pressure ALL the time, whatever I am doing always feel as though I *should* be doing something else, and miss having any time at all to myself. I do envy you the space to please no-one but yourself, it is such a luxury and great that you recognise the huge plus side of being single x
ReplyDeletehttp://pennydreadfulvintage.blogspot.com/2010/05/style-icon-miss-piggy.html
I have been single now for 5 months, after a two year relationship, closely preceded by a year and a half relationship. And I'm only 19! Good lord. Anyhoo, I am LOVING having time to myself, a room to myself, not having to cook for anyone else and being able to spend entire Saturdays reading. In fact I'm loving it so much that I don't think I'll jump back on the dating/relationship wagon any time soon. I have flatmates to listen to me whinge, an entire new city to explore and FUN to experience =). I've also had time to process and learn from my relationship mistakes, which I hopefully won't make again in my next (far distant) relationship!
ReplyDeleteSINGLE. :-bd
ReplyDeleteMarried & babied. Maybe even a little smug. We did it all wrong, too. :P We had the baby, THEN moved in together, THEN got married.
ReplyDeleteI'm lucky to have married my best friend, someone who supports and encourages my goals. I know a lot of people who marry and have babies so young aren't so blessed, which is a shame. I wouldn't change my situation for the world.
Married for eight years with a 20 month-old daughter. It's A LOT of time and work, but worth it. I used to play guitar, read, and write a lot more than I do now, but some of that is my own doing. I'm starting school in June as well, so that will be another time-suck. :)
ReplyDeleteMy life when I was single wasn't nearly as fulfilling as it is now, but some of that has to do with a change in my priorities.
Married and still in love... But you're right about how that affects what I end up doing with my weekends! :)
ReplyDeletenot getting married. loving the life I have with my gorgeous partner of 12 years. xx.
ReplyDeletea little swinging here and there?
Currently working my tail off for a non-profit, enrolled in a class at UT and attempting to stay involved with my friends in the improv community. Dating a man who I just don't get to see enough of. While the beginning of our relationship had romantic comedy written all over it, it now consists mostly of text messages and weekends.
ReplyDeleteAt this very moment, I wouldn't change a thing.
32 and single and more than fine with it. I'm trying to orchestrate a big move overseas that would be less exciting/less possible if I were tied to someone. I also have the need to be the best girlfriend ever and end up being flaked out on by ungrateful dudes. I'm self-reliant and very happy to be doing my own thing now.
ReplyDeleteTerribly single but don't mind. I just finished college and working two jobs for the last 3 years so I am ready for thefree time in my near future. But I am the oldest child and a Virgo too so I'm sure I will get bored with out something to do every minute of my life.
ReplyDeletei have been married/partnered forever, seriously, forever. and we don't have kids by choice. and i'm probably pretty smug about it, hard to say. we work opposite schedules most of the time, and believably that is a tremendous benefit to us. so, when we have time together, it's usually a really good time. and the rest of that time outside of work? i do my thing. whatever it is: yoga, walking, vampire movies, some whirlwind project with sarah, lady drinks, yardwork. it's a compromise, i know, but it doesn't feel like one anymore.
ReplyDeleteI would just like to add that Darcie's set up is The Best because she has the free time of a single friend, but she's not always trying to borrow my sexy tops to go out clubbing and pick up cute guys. Win/Win!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I'm kind of in love with that picture. It makes me happy. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm single. I have been some version of single (things with dudes and dating all mixed in with TOTAL singledom) for almost 3 years. Before that I had a boyfriend pretty regularly. After the initial getting used to being alone, I've learned pretty well how to be single and I do enjoy it. Mostly because I'm a pretty independent person.
But more and more lately I would really like to not be single again. I like having someone to share things with and talk to about nothing and cuddle with. I like going out on dates and having someone to watch TV with.
So, while I'm fine being single, If I had the chance to have a BF again, I wouldn't turn it down.
I think it's mostly my location (in the woods living with my parents) that makes it difficult to be in that situation, but I'm moving to NYC in September, so hopefully there will be more opportunities!
Happily single and still enjoying the luxury of only answering to myself seven years after getting out of a bad relationship.
ReplyDeletewellll i'm only 17, nearly 18....so i don't know if it even counts yet =P But I'm single, and plan to stay that way for awhile =)
ReplyDeleteLong-time single, 38, and open to a relationship if the right guy comes along.
ReplyDeleteI like being able to focus on my creativity and instantly ditch any man I start dating who makes negative comments on my creativity or who tries to make me seem bad for being myself. There are lots of guys like this out there. Probably the same guys who dump women after they get them pregnant because the "baby takes attention away from (them)".
I will find the guy for me but that is not the main focus of my life. Life is too short for that and I have too many inerests and plans to want to give everything up.
I was in a relationship for 4 1/2 yrs. that ended this January... before that I was married for almost 25 yrs. before I became a widow in 2001....I had never had a failed relationship till this January... that in itself sounds unusual and it is because my husband was a decent male.. I would love to be in a relationship again... I've got two adult girls and one almost 20 yr. old son...
ReplyDeleteFinding that special one is NOT a priority.. If I find him, then good..
Great post.
ReplyDeleteI've been seeing someone for 7 years, we've never lived together - we both live alone - he has as much need for personal space as I do and it works out perfectly.
I've never seen the point of marriage or living together. I see him a few times a week and look forward to it everytime. Seeing someone everyday would do my head in!
Single, in graduate school, keeping up with a job, a blog (sort of), a few other creative endeavors, and a far-away and complicated but beloved family and far-flung gang of friends.
ReplyDeleteMy last relationship was long distance, which I thought was fantastic because it didn't take too much of my time (texting/phone is so much easier to multitask than face-time), until I (we, really) realized that having a relationship that can't even make your list of top five priorities is a bit silly, because it will never develop properly.
So... I miss him a lot, but we still talk and I'm a lot happier knowing that we're both free to focus on the things that are really important right now.
Great topic! I am currently partnered (in an 8 year relationship - we'll probably get married after a decade or so). I sometimes have a hard time balancing my needs with my relationships needs for all the reasons you listed - I, too, am ambitious, productive, and tend to take on the world (IE, part robot). Sometimes my relationship gets the best of me, and sometimes my passions do. Luckily, my boyfriend is supportive and shares a lot of my interests (like running and races).
ReplyDeleteHowever! Knowing myself, and knowing the compromises I have already made, I've decided not to have children. I can't imagine giving even more of myself away to someone else, no matter how much I loved that person. That's a compromise I can't make, and a trade off I am willing to make.
24 and married for just under a year... I didn't really plan on getting married in my early twenties, but that's how it went down!
ReplyDeleteIt does change things. We're lucky in that we're both super supportive of each other, and so when we have to be away from each other to pursue whatever (for me that's creative/performance/dancer things, for him it's outdoorsy things that I just don't get...) we're cool, and we try our best to make up for it. Like if we know that we're going to busy most nights one week, we try to be intentional about the couple of hours, or minutes that we have (eating dinner together... or ya know... other stuff, wink wink... I'm so corny). It also helps that I work multiple part-time, temp, freelance jobs rather than one full time position so my schedule is flexible. Although sometimes I wish I had a full time for the predictability (although inflexibility would suck) of the schedule. And he works as a teacher at an alternative school so while it's tough on him, the hours aren't as long as a normal school.
I love being married, but I will admit that if I was single I might be a bit more ambitious, out of necessity to make more money. I've spent the last year purposefully taking time to adjust to married life, trying to continue to work creatively (ie, making very little money) and also trying to enter into the traditional work force. I was an overachiever in high school and college, so when I learned that sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you work, you don't get the job, that was kind of sucky, but now I'm just kind of riding it and picking up whatever kind of work I can. The traditional job hasn't worked out for me, and because I have so many things, I wonder sometimes if I should just focus on ONE and go back to my usual way of trying to be the BEST at it. But honestly, I kind of like not being stressed out ALL the time like I was in school. I kind of like having time to just play with my dog or my husband. I kind of like having time to spend an hour perfecting a blog post while watching ANTM. I know I can't do this forever, but truthfully I've never done it before... so I'm admittedly not living the dream in terms of a job.
this is LONG, but socially, I'm lucky that I tend to be friends with the people I work with on creative endeavors, so we spend a lot of time together "working" which is really "playing" but yeah, a flexible schedule (that brings in a very low income) lets me have time to hang out outside of work as well.
Not married and no kids. And no pets for that matter. I do love the freedom sometimes and how I can just leave and go without having to make arrangements, worry about packing x,y,z, for the kids. But I do wish I was married with kids (and a dog or two).
ReplyDeleteSingle. The weekend after we broke up, I made my first ever batch of cupcakes and started taking a picture every day to further my photographic skills. Now, three months later, I've made about 6 batches of cupcakes and have 88 pictures - some of which suck and some of which show what I've learned. Those are two things I wouldn't have had time to do while trying have enough time to spend with my boyfriend. I've always known who I am outside of whatever relationship I'm in at the time, but having time to do solely what I want to do lets me explore what I love more. Yes, I still miss him, but I'm thankful for where I'm at right now, and I know I'm here for a purpose, which makes it easier to be content and wait to see what comes next.
ReplyDeleteI'm 28, married with a two year old daughter. We didn't really plan on getting married so early (five years ago in Oct) but that and the kiddo just happened that way. We work really hard to give each other our respective "me" time. I still go out with my friends a few nights a week to restaurants and bars and just hanging out. He still runs and writes and plays the guitar. Weekends have morphed into family time--except we each get time on the weekends to ourselves. The Mr. usually takes the daughter on a "daddy date". I usually do some shopping or sitting at a coffee shop. I'm going back to school in the Fall, so that will change our family dynamic again. And then we're planning on moving back to China in a year or two. Having a family and being married has changed us, but we have tried to include each other and the little lady in our lives as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard though. Most of our friends with kids are older and often talk about "what they were doing at our age", which includes doing some random girl/guy, blowing through their income and generally being footloose and fancy free. They are a lot more financially stable than we are, but I like the fact that when my kid graduates from HS I will only be 44. :) Plus, I feel like we still have done more with our lives than they have, even if we were married with kids earlier than most these days. When it's all said and done; it's my life and it's good.
I've been single for a long time, and I absolutely love it. I am planning a cross-country move in a few months just because I can. I like not being tied down.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't to say that I'm not willing to have a relationship someday, but she'd have to be really understanding of how much I like my freedom.
Plus, no kids: I'm like Arizona from Grey's Anatomy who pictures Spanish beaches with her partner instead of crying babies.
living with my bf of 6 years [and have been living together pretty much since day 1!]. i'm a fiercely independent soul, but he drives race cars as a hobby, so he spends a lot of time in the shop. thankfully, our "alone time" balances out and we are able to come back together often and have nice dinners and such.
ReplyDeletewhile he's out, i keep up my blog, scan old family photos, scrapbook, etc. basically do that which i love that he would scoff at!! ;)
*
I too am just 19 and single. And LOVING it. After my last relationship I realized that I'm way more interesting and fun when I'm not tied down. While all of my friends get wrapped up in their boy drama, I'm learning guitar and writing more than ever. I'd be on the verge of calling myself a commitment-phobe; but I'm fine with that.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the great posts!
Married for almost two years, no kids (though they're a future possibility), two dogs, two cats.
ReplyDeleteI don't know that my relationship status has affected my creativity, but it's certainly made me reevaluate certain goals. I'm currently trying to pick a new career after several jobs that weren't quite "right" (and trading dreams of being a world-traveling field researcher for the suburban married life).
Still, I wouldn't change it. It would be awesome if I could have this personal life AND a fulfilling career though. I haven't given up hope yet; I just have to figure out what I want and how to get it.
What a great post! I'm engaged, getting married in July, and sometimes feel guilty about the mixed feelings I have about it. While I'm not what you would call the adventurous type, I am EXTREMELY independent and have had a hard time settling into this new role. I love that you pointed out that "life is nothing but a series of compromises." It's so true, and those I'm making to be married to someone who is as close to a soul mate as I'll ever find- those compromises are worth it to me. Thanks :)
ReplyDeleteI am a german/leo/first born. I'm single, but make time for men in my life.
ReplyDeleteYou are completely right. If I was in a serious relationship, my blogging would be cut in half. :) I love it, but if I had a choice between blogging and a midafternoon nap with a lover.....I think we all know what most of us would choose. :)
I'm a single, never been marrie,d childless 37 year old woman who lives in a gay man's basement with two cats. On any given day that either seems like heaven or hell.
ReplyDeleteAnd I have yet to seriously date again since my fiance died 4 years ago. I'm not sure I ever will. I've never contemplated being single for the rest of my life. But I've recently started that contemplation. I'm not sure what that means.
recently separated with twin boys. my creativity and passion for opportunities that helped the greater good, but unfortunately didn't bring any money to the table got in the way of upholding a strong union, among other things.
ReplyDeletegot married and had kids really young, without ever giving myself a chance to find out who I was. but i always believe that we are always exactly where we are supposed to be. a relationship that didn't work out, yes. two awesome blessings that push me to live each second like it's my last trump any failure in my life. wouldn't change a thing.
You said "gentleman caller" and I immediately thought Blanche Devereaux.
ReplyDeleteNot that I think y'all are the same age and your gentlemen callers are coming straight out of the home... That phrase is just always given me a nice giggle.
:D
(Wait... Ew... Senior citizen booty calls... Now I'm a little disgusted I brought this up... :x )
ANYWAY!
I've noticed the amount of time I can devote to my blog--my free time--is proportional to my blog's growth as well.
My blog has been at a slight standstill because with finals and coming home being hectic, I haven't had any time to work on it... Sad... :|
I'm pretty sure being single is all pretty pink dresses and fancy shoes. I just got my Anthropologie [sale] package today, and it contained...a sundress and some faaaaancy shoes.
ReplyDeleteI am going to run away with my shoes and never return.
I'm a German/Virgo/eldest child (part robot) and single. I don't mind it at all really, at least not at this point in my life, because I have the ability to focus all my time and energy on me, allowing me to succeed at my studies and spend time doing the things I enjoy as well. I may be on my own right now, but that feels right at the moment. Someday would I like that to change? Probably, but I am in no hurry to go about that now, I have goals and plans to fulfill and accomplish first.
ReplyDeleteI spent a couple of years being single and living abroad before I moved back to the states and started dating one of my best friends. Now we are happily married and beagled. (The beagle and living together came before marriage.) We are both busy academics, who have teaching responsibilities and are in the last chaotic stage of writing before we defend our PhD theses. However, we make our relationship a priority and go on a date at least once a week.
ReplyDeleteHe likes to watch tv. I really don't (with the exceptions of LOST and Chuck), so we sit together on the couch and I blog while he watches his shows.
For the first time in years, I am 0% interested in being with a guy. A lot of times crushing on someone can take up as much time and energy as dating or being in a relationship. Finally, I'm discovering my true self. It turns out I'm a little less social when I don't have the possibility of kicking things off with the cute guy in my group of friends, but it's given me plenty of time to indulge in creative projects and enjoy being myself. I'm really glad to have this self-dictated time off from dating. I'll get back into the scene later, but for now, I'm loving me.
ReplyDeletehttp://lesadventuresdulorax.blogspot.com
one of the few single responders (and fashion bloggers it seems). I've never really been in a serious relationship. I'm 26 and sorta feel like youth is meant for living it up... It can get lonely, sure, but I'm an aries so total independence is a virtue greater than patience in my book. My feeling is that love is not like gambling, you only need to get lucky once and it doesn't really matter when.
ReplyDeleteI've got the virgo/eldest child/pefectionist thing down. So that makes me single! Way too fussy for my own good probably.
ReplyDeleteI'm single (6 months) and before that was in a 2 year relationship. I agree that being single affords you the luxury of being decisive with how you spend your time and I love it!
ReplyDeleteI recently relaunched my blog (as a newly single person) and I already feel that I will have tons more time to devote to it than I did when I was coupled up. Not to get all astrological up in here, but I feel like Virgos cherish alone time more than many signs and are perfectionist in what they take on... I know that I cherish my time and don't want to waste it.
Great post!
I'm in a relationship but it is long distance. We live about 3 hours drive away. Its tough cause you sort of live like a single person during the week, doing what you want when you want but then in the weekends you hvae to be a couple again and it can be tough to get those two to fit.
ReplyDeleteI currently live with my fiance (we're getting married in two weeks!)I love spending time with him but there are times when it seems like it'd be easier to get it all done if I were single. I'm sure it's a grass is greener type thing though. And in the end, I wouldn't trade him for the single life :)
ReplyDeleteI am single, live at home, work full-time, and don't really go out much. However I do travel and I think it's really worth it especially saving the funds and knowing that the money is there.
ReplyDeleteI really like reading your travel post so motivational, knowing that someone can go to Asia or the Amazon by themselves.
Keep up the blog its the best part of my morning while I get into work.
I live with my boyfriend, and I definitely suffer from being a little too comfortable in the relationship, to well, have goals and things. So much of my time is spent hanging out and giggling, and bike riding, I don't really have time for other things. But I guess that's not too bad really. I am definitely much more productive when single!
ReplyDeleteI'm in a two year relationships, one year of which we have lived together. We are moving countries together soon, and sometimes I wish I was single, then I realise how incredibly great, smart, talented and supportive my boyfriend is and I wouldn't give it up for anything. He's helped me become a better person and there's nobody else who makes me laugh like him.
ReplyDeleteI do get a bit jealous about singles being able to travel independently without missing someone, but that's about it. However being single and happy is always preferable to being attached and miserable.
Right now single. I am planning on going on a study abroad/ mission trip and getting everything together is so stressful at times. I leave in a month and a half, and I don't feel nearly as prepared as I would like at this point. As the date kept getting closer I found that I really didn't have time for a relationship (and not too fond of the idea of an international long distant relationship when I leave) and barely enough time for all my "friends." These past few months have been more of a spend most of my social time with loved ones and good friends, not just acquaintances=friends. I can't say I'm complaining about that really. I just wish I could get more done quicker so i could have breathing room! lol
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I'm married and probably a little smug :) We got married really young (I was 21!) and have been together for 7 years now. My gorgeous man is still the same supportive, always-there-for-me type, while somehow managing to also give me all the space I need. It took us a while to figure out a good balance, but we've got it pretty down pat now.
ReplyDeleteI am single, 20 years of age and have never been in a relationship. I think it's partly because I'm so shy but also partly because I'm kind of afraid.
ReplyDeleteAt the moment I am really liking someone but we're not together or anything. I'm not sure if what I feel for him is love, which is strange seeing as how I've never been in a relationship, so how I am supposed to know what love feels like? But I think about him constantly and I really care about him. I really like talking to him and it just makes me feel at ease.
He likes me as well but I don't know if love is what he is feeling.
I'd like to be in a relationship where I can feel comfortable with that other person, and I think he's that person I'd like to be with. At the moment I think I'd like to be in a relationship because I'd really like to have that feeling of being appreciated, and of sharing a bond with someone.
In terms of how a relationship would affect my creative life and goals....well I'd like to think that if I were in a relationship, that other person would support my goals, and I would support theirs.
I've seen other people in relationships and what not to do...I've seen people be happy but also get heartbroken. I think I learn about relationships by looking at other couples, but I'd like to learn firsthand.
I'm 21, Aries and the first-born. I've been single for what seems to be a perpetually long time. I've always been on the move and despite my laid back nature I'm also pretty non-compromising when things that are truly important. When I went to school I moved very far from my hometown, not in terms of distance but culturally. Imagine going from DC area to the middle of Pennsyl-tuckey. Luckily I have a lovely group of friends here and home and have never worried about how my actions may impact a significant other. If I want to go abroad for a semester, so be it, graduate early, so be it. If I ever found someone who could ride alongside me I'd be thrilled, but I'm not waiting for him. Sometimes I get bitter about it, because I get this stupid idea that there's something wrong with me, but especially when I go home I'm reminded that I'm single and fabulous, and certainly different from my classmates. :)
ReplyDelete32, single, full-time job, AND full-time mommy to a 5 year old. Free time? Say what? Dating? What's that??? It's a crazy life, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
ReplyDeleteBetween the ripe old ages of 15 and 18 I had a three month relationship, a seven month relationship, and a two year relationship. The last one ended technically right before I turned 18. He was a bit of a jerk who overcompensated for being a jerk by proposing. Marriage is something I have never, even as a little girl, wanted, thought would apply to my life, or needed. I don't get lonely easily, I don't really like kids, and I know I don't want them, and what's wrong with having a casual boyfriend? I'm not worried about being alone when I'm 50 and society says no one will want me. Some people see it as selfish, but why would I marry someone and make them believe that I'm completely committed to them when I'm not, and why would I bring a child into this world if I didn't want it? That's far more self-centered. I'm happy with me, and everything I choose to fill my life with.
ReplyDeleteI am in a long-distance relationship and it works for me. I LOVE being single, and so with the long-distance relationship, I still have all the perks of being single! He is moving down here this summer and I am actually quite nervous about it, but if it doesn't work out, then clearly it was meant to be ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm only 23 but have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We've lived together the past two years and I'm definitely less creative than I was when I was single. It's sad, but also completely my own fault because my boyfriend is an artist and is always working on projects--something I admire about him and wish I could do.
ReplyDeleteI've been married for yeeeears, no kids, work at home while said spouse works in an office...and find the alone time, while apparently awesome, to be kind of difficult to deal with. I don't interact with many humans at all on a daily basis, so my brain responds with occasional sadness and lack of productiveness. I need to step up the social and get re-inspired!
ReplyDeleteI'm in a long-term relationship right now, and we live together. I've pretty much been in a relationship ever since I was 17, and I'm almost 22 now. I forget what it's like to be single. And lately, I've kind of been thinking it might be nice to be single again. I would miss the extra income, and the snuggling, and the emotional support for sure though. So I don't know. But I don't have a lot that I like to do with my time. I'm pretty boring. So I think I'd just enjoy being single because I wouldn't feel tied down. I'd feel free to flirt and act how I wanted and all of that.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely smug-single but paying the price for it!
ReplyDeletehttp://nationalboxwhore.blogspot.com/2011/01/bloody-smug-marrieds-arghhhhhhhhhhh.html
:)