The Tale of A Very Special Christmas Ornament

Gather round friends, for I have a tale to tell of the weirdest Christmas tree ornament in the land.

Long ago and far away, Sarah Von grew up in the land of forested acreage, wild game hunting and jackpine savagery. The Family Von owned 80 acres of land. This land was used for many things, chief among those being the tracking and hunting of edible mammals. Being the eldest of the children Von, the responsibility fell to young Sarah to help her father in his pursuit of said animals.

Father Von had had a childhood of Dickensian proportions, in which food and more over, protein, was at a premium. He had fond memories of tramping through the woods with his father, shooting furry food sources and then skinning them happily whilst engaging in male bonding. Father Von looked forward to sharing these sorts of memories with his small blond daughter, whose interest in animals seemed limited to a) talking to them b) trying to hug them.

So at the tender age of six, Sarah found herself running around in the leaves, chasing squirrels from the back side of the trees on to the front so her father could better shoot them. The little gray fur balls tumbled out of the trees into the leaves at their feet, ready for skinning and eating. Now, skinning a squirrel is not unlike removing a fitted t-shirt, slick and easy when done correctly. However! A squirrel's tail rather throws a wrench into the logistics of skin removal and. To expedite things, Father Von would chop off the squirrel's tail, Sarah would grasp the wee paws and Father would peel off the skin in one smooth movement.

Not unlike peeling a banana. A gray, furry banana.

So after an afternoon of squirrel herding and peeling, the two hunters were left with a pile of squirrel tails, not unlike this. And what is one to do with a pile of limp squirrel tails? In an attempt to amuse his rather disgusted daughter, Father Von formed one of the tails into the shape of an S. As the Rigamortis set in, they were joyfully appalled to discover that this furry appendage held its shape.

Oh the possibilities! What weird and ridiculous things could they form out of squirrel tails? It was then that Father Von hit pay dirt. What with the holidays coming up, this was the perfect opportunity turn these tails into wee wreaths to top their Christmas tree!

And so it was. The Father and daughter drove home and horrified Mom Von with a tiny wreath fashioned out of a squirrel tail. Now, twenty years later, Father Von has long since given up squirrel hunting and Sarah is a veteran vegetarian, they can chortle over this most bizarre and disgusting of ornaments.

What's the weirdest ornament that graces your Christmas tree?

Reposted from 2008 because I thought we could all use another gross out. Click here to see me holding the actual squirrel tail wreath! Puke!