credit When you are arrive in this world, if you have the good luck to be born in Minnesota you will be issued three things: a love for beige-colored food, a dry sense of humor and a compulsion to be pathologically pleasant. You will be able to make small talk with anything that breathes, smile stiffly in the face of adversity and say 'the right thing' in nearly any situation.
To say that I am riddled with a case of chronic pleasantness might be an understatement. Of course, I'm sometimes shocked into snarkiness and I have no problem writing off things/people that displease me but I would rather turn inside out than make someone feel badly about themselves. I am that girl who actually engages in conversation with the crazy homeless guy in the grocery store parking lot ("Oh yeah? That's a new tin foil hat? More effective than a colander, eh?") and responds with a disgruntled "Hey" when the hood rat leaning in the bus stop says "How yoooouuuu doin?"
What?! Who interacts with these people?
I am also the person who holds up the other end of the conversation with the socially inept guy at the party ("Really, LOTR is better than the Wheel of Time series?"), the person who feels awful brushing off the skeezy guy with terrible pick up lines and the person who nods along through the 45 minute monologue about the dream the IT guy had last night. (It featured a snake in a vest, in case you're interested).
I would rather chew off my arm that make someone feel uncomfortable or insecure, but the chronic pleasantness? It makes me uncomfortable! I was bemoaning this to my favorite New Yorker and college roommate Ellie who, after putting her eyes back in her head from all that rolling, yelled "Sarah! Why do you care if you make these people uncomfortable!? They chose to make you uncomfortable first!"
Touche, my friend.
Girlfriend is right. I don't want to be insensitive to others' feelings, but why am I putting their psychological well-being before mine? Surely, I would enjoy that party more if I was mingling with my friends rather than humoring the wall-flower's one-sided conversation. And, really, why respond to street comments? What's going on with that? Thus, I am now taking a pledge to be slightly less pleasant and a bit more socially self-centered.
Here's hoping they don't revoke my Minnesota citizenship.
Do you ever suffer from being too nice?
20 comments:
It can be so difficult, right?? I've realized that I sort of need to do the same. I'd love to be a good person and chat with the guy holding a clipboard on the corner, trying to get people to contribute money to some cause I may or may not agree with, but I only have a 30 minute lunch break, and I'd love to spend it...well...eating lunch. I have trouble saying no. That's why I always have to buy my coworker's daughter's school crap that will inevitably end up in the trash.
I think in your case, the problem is awareness. You're aware that if you "dis" those people, you'll create an uncomfortable situation. Those people engaging you, however, are unaware that they are causing you discomfort. They don't know any better. And that's why you have empathy for them! It's not a bad thing. :) In fact, I've been that socially awkward wall flower quite a few times, and I'd be so thrilled if someone friendly took the initiative to chat me up.
But you also can't neglect the most important person in your life...YOU! It's great to put other first, SOME of the time. But your happiness is important too. Remember that!
So, so well-put Melissa!.
I really dislike conflict to the point that I won't say what I really think, which can be a bad thing. Although, Irish as I am, if I'm pushed too far, I can really hold my own in a verbal sparring match.
I was much the same way, but then I moved away. Does wonders.
This doesn't have anything to do with the post (although I must say I recognize the "always stuck with the geek in the party and too polite to walk away"-part). But I just opened one of those small boxes of raisins which has a "word of wisdom" on the flap. And it made me think of you. It said:
"Stay curious and you will travel to the ends of the earth."
How about that - your philospophy in life on a raisin box...
I am from Canada, where doing those things is culturally expected of you. In my home town I do a lot more of that, but in my big city Calgary it is a bit easier to not be so pleasant....
I feel your pleasantry pain!
But really IS there anything wrong with it? I admire people like you who can do that!
Nice "Peewee's Big Adventure" reference, dude:).
Goaty goat: I know! Whenever I'm abroad, I have no problem getting all unpleasant. I've yelled "You're a bad man!" in Spanish soooo many times. But at home? I top out at glaring disparagingly.
I realize that in the greater scheme of personality flaws, being overly pleasant isn't the worse thing, but sometimes I feel like I'm over-extending myself or, honestly, putting myself in lame situations because I don't want to hurt people's feelings.
Sarah, this post is completely awesome, and has me even more convinced that we would/should be best friends! We could be pleasant to each other all the time! Eh? Eh? God that sounded like a Minnesotan pick-up line. Sorry.
You beat me to the punch Erin... I was just about to ask if said snake was rollin' a big donut with a stick?
I have spent many a minute on street corners listening to the "woe is me" story of a bedraggled stranger. Maybe one time out of ten I glean something really "worth it" out of this time. The rest of the time I walk away wondering why the Hell I just stood there listening to a bunch of bizarre B.S. I feel ya dog.
I used to be like this too, but I stopped, and it's surprisingly easier and less painful than you'd think. You just have to perfect an icy yet blank stare and bring a book with you everywhere you go so you can pretend to be reading it when you think someone untawdry is going to talk to you. Trust me.
Winona! Name the date in Chicago and I'm (probably) there!
Right ON. A girl's gotta have boundaries, and there's no reason to indulge people who are willfully ignoring social cues.
dude. JUST THIS MORNING i stood up for myself when someone tried to sully my good name. i totally would have "let that go" (meaning: know it's not right but not do anything about it, sweep it under a rug, and let it do psychological damage to me for a few months) a few years ago, which is not quite the same as minnesota pleasantness, but still definitely minnesotan as far as i'm concerned.
Hmm. As a native New Englander (more or less, living in Las Vegas till I was five failed to turn me into a stripper), a reserved brush off is a perfected skill. It's easy for me to just ignore, I guess, when I'm not quite it. Sometimes I feel guilty afterwards (yesterday I beat myself up for not waving back at a group of guys on the side of the road who were yelling perfectly friendly greetings) but it's really pretty much instinctual at this point.
I have the same problem being English. We have to be really polite and I think I've overused the word 'thanks' to the point where it has no meaning.
And I'm also that girl at the party talking to the weird guy. I hate making people feel bad or uncomfortable.
Good Luck with this
I've learnt that ignoring some people is a good thing. This is because I too am the sort of person who can easily get talked into things so I have learnt to avoid some people and just go about my business.
Though there is nothing wrong with just being nice...it's just where you draw the line you know?
Oh gosh when you mentioned listening to your IT guy's dream, I felt really bad for you. I know most of us like to tell dreams, but it's really so very rarely interesting for the person listening. Oy.
I think sometimes I suffer from being too nice, too, but since I'm also pretty quiet in social situations where I don't know a lot of people, I tend to avoid awkward conversations pretty easily.
Congrats on your pledge to look out for YOUR happiness a little more. It really doesn't matter what strangers like the hood rat on the street think of you(though, you know, maybe talk a LITTLE bit to the wall-flower).
you know i used to have these feelings too. but you have to think about it, when it comes into a situation where your safety may be at risk it's best to not even engage these people.
other than that get a pair of shades with dark lenses.
"I would rather chew off my arm that make someone feel uncomfortable or insecure" -- this may be my life motto, lol.
reading this made me wonder if we were separated at birth or something equally ridiculous. I am DEFINITELY the one chatting up LOTR guy too. My boyf has recently been getting on my case about how much I fret about accomodating other people rather than taking care of my own business. i'm feeling pretty inspired by exploring this idea so maybe I will write some more about it on hipsterette :) i'll be sure to link. but thanks so much for brining it up :) also, i think the socialization of women plays a huge role, because i'm from the bitchy northeast and i still feel MORTIFIED if i have to tell someone to cut it out when they are making me feel mad weird.
Post a Comment