I met Elizabeth* as a senior in college, sharing the editing software in UMM's newspaper office. I immediately wanted to be her friend because a) we were hair twins b) I had heard an urban legend about her class project "Yeats: The Musical." These days, she throws theme parties, works on her PhD and dates a couple.
Yes.
You read that correctly. Girlfriend's got a boyfriend. And a girlfriend. Elizabeth was kind enough to give us some insight into the workings of a healthy, loving relationship that just happens to involve three people.
Could you describe your current romantic status to us?
For the past few months, I've been involved in a romantic relationship with two people--a man and a woman who are married to each other. My girlfriend identifies as a lesbian (always has) who just happens to have fallen in love with a man perfectly suited to her. They are very compatible and happy as a pair--their interest in dating another woman together is not about making up for any lack in their own relationship--they just have a lot of adoration to give, and love being able to share the experience of showering it on another woman. And while I'm sure a lot of people are capable of expressing feelings for more than one person, I think these two are uniquely suited to do so without hurting their marriage--I'll go into more detail about their natures below.
How does one go about meeting a couple to date?
Well, this is a characterization of events that I'd want to dispel--I initiated a discussion about us getting to know each other that lead to dating, but none of us were "looking" to get involved like this randomly--as my gf pointed out, it wasn't in any way "desperate". The idea of dating a couple had never occurred to me until I met them, and part of the appeal of dating them was that they were looking for something that made sense to me: a legitimate, caring relationship as opposed to some indiscriminate, raunchy swinger action.
I met them like this: my bf and I have both been active(ly NERDY!:) commenters on a very well-known, hipstery pop culture website. After months of poring over posts, you get to know people's personalities a bit, so a handful of commenters have ended up becoming Facebook friends. He and I bonded over the rad late-80s monster adventure comedy "Monster Squad" (seriously--run, don't walk) and sort of peripherally left each other FB comments, did some shameless meme-tagging, etc. I was curious about him, and also would read comments from his cute wife on his Wall which invariably gave me that "this person and I are meant to know each other" feeling.
One day, he left comments on our hipster website hangout about his non-traditional marriage that intrigued me to no end. The way he described their own relationship was gorgeous and moving--that they're best friends and deeply committed partners (who, I hasten to clarify, have a super-hot sex life between the two of them) who like the idea of sharing a relationship (as opposed to a casual hookup) with a woman they can mutually adore. You guys, I was fascinated. I sent my FB friend a message letting him know that, to my surprise, I could not stop thinking about how lovely and hot this all sounded. It turned out that they were not involved with or seriously pursuing anyone else at that moment.
I started talking to both of them so we could get to know one another, first on FB and then on the phone and then after some time, we began to meet up and it turned out that...well, there's no modest way to put it. We're sort of perfect for each other. These are people with whom I would have become good friends anyway--we have heaps in common and our personalities are very well-suited--and the attraction was pretty incredible from the get-go. I don't meet many people with whom I vibe in a romantic way--I really have to LIKE whomever it is as a friend--so to meet TWO hot people that I truly dug at once was really exciting…and mutual!:)
Has your couple dated like this before?
Yes. It's been challenging for them to find someone who's on the same page about what kind of relationship they wanted to have. They have gone on a number of dates with women (mostly contacted through the Internet through personals sites, using a really careful, lengthy, detailed ad meant to weed out the sleazoids) whom they weren't into or who ended up being unable to develop an attraction to both of them. Some simply became friends. Before me, there were a couple of short relationships (a few months each) that both went south for one reason or another, nothing that should also end up becoming a problem for me. They took those seriously, but neither one ended well, as so many relationships don’t. Honestly, they were about ready to throw in the towel on finding something functional when they started getting to know me. Yeah, I know, I'm a back-patter:).
Are you really equally into both people?
I am! Thank goodness. I wondered about this, too, at the very beginning, especially because I'd never been involved with/kissed/seriously considered dating another woman. I mean, I've always been hardcore pro-GLBT and had lesbian friends and super-close female friends, but I never really thought I'd have an honest-to-goodness romantic response to a woman, or a sexual impulse I'd feel comfortable acting on. I had convinced myself that all of that "person-specific" rhetoric I'd heard in college was just the prattling justification of horny people who got all hot for anyone who found THEM attractive.
But it's a real thing, guys—turns out I happen to like this woman a lot. And though some aspects of it have been new, it hasn't been weird for a second--it's been just like it should be, just like it was with my darling boyfriend as well--that thing where you meet someone and you just feel you're going to get each other, that you long to be near that person as often as possible.Of course, my relationship with each of them has its own characteristics--I relate to each one in our own way, which is really fun because I get to share different sides of myself really intimately with two people at once.
But we all agree that one of the most crucial factors that makes us work so well is that I adore them as a couple. I was drawn to their rich, loving relationship and am constantly touched and rewarded to be included. They like that a lot--without it, a lot of jealousy could creep in from all sides, which, I probably don't have to mention, would be a surefire way to screw everything up, including our relationship AND their marriage.
Tomorrow: Part 2, the benefits and challenges of dating a couple
* super sexy and exotic fake name
Yes.
You read that correctly. Girlfriend's got a boyfriend. And a girlfriend. Elizabeth was kind enough to give us some insight into the workings of a healthy, loving relationship that just happens to involve three people.
Could you describe your current romantic status to us?
For the past few months, I've been involved in a romantic relationship with two people--a man and a woman who are married to each other. My girlfriend identifies as a lesbian (always has) who just happens to have fallen in love with a man perfectly suited to her. They are very compatible and happy as a pair--their interest in dating another woman together is not about making up for any lack in their own relationship--they just have a lot of adoration to give, and love being able to share the experience of showering it on another woman. And while I'm sure a lot of people are capable of expressing feelings for more than one person, I think these two are uniquely suited to do so without hurting their marriage--I'll go into more detail about their natures below.
How does one go about meeting a couple to date?
Well, this is a characterization of events that I'd want to dispel--I initiated a discussion about us getting to know each other that lead to dating, but none of us were "looking" to get involved like this randomly--as my gf pointed out, it wasn't in any way "desperate". The idea of dating a couple had never occurred to me until I met them, and part of the appeal of dating them was that they were looking for something that made sense to me: a legitimate, caring relationship as opposed to some indiscriminate, raunchy swinger action.
I met them like this: my bf and I have both been active(ly NERDY!:) commenters on a very well-known, hipstery pop culture website. After months of poring over posts, you get to know people's personalities a bit, so a handful of commenters have ended up becoming Facebook friends. He and I bonded over the rad late-80s monster adventure comedy "Monster Squad" (seriously--run, don't walk) and sort of peripherally left each other FB comments, did some shameless meme-tagging, etc. I was curious about him, and also would read comments from his cute wife on his Wall which invariably gave me that "this person and I are meant to know each other" feeling.
One day, he left comments on our hipster website hangout about his non-traditional marriage that intrigued me to no end. The way he described their own relationship was gorgeous and moving--that they're best friends and deeply committed partners (who, I hasten to clarify, have a super-hot sex life between the two of them) who like the idea of sharing a relationship (as opposed to a casual hookup) with a woman they can mutually adore. You guys, I was fascinated. I sent my FB friend a message letting him know that, to my surprise, I could not stop thinking about how lovely and hot this all sounded. It turned out that they were not involved with or seriously pursuing anyone else at that moment.
I started talking to both of them so we could get to know one another, first on FB and then on the phone and then after some time, we began to meet up and it turned out that...well, there's no modest way to put it. We're sort of perfect for each other. These are people with whom I would have become good friends anyway--we have heaps in common and our personalities are very well-suited--and the attraction was pretty incredible from the get-go. I don't meet many people with whom I vibe in a romantic way--I really have to LIKE whomever it is as a friend--so to meet TWO hot people that I truly dug at once was really exciting…and mutual!:)
Has your couple dated like this before?
Yes. It's been challenging for them to find someone who's on the same page about what kind of relationship they wanted to have. They have gone on a number of dates with women (mostly contacted through the Internet through personals sites, using a really careful, lengthy, detailed ad meant to weed out the sleazoids) whom they weren't into or who ended up being unable to develop an attraction to both of them. Some simply became friends. Before me, there were a couple of short relationships (a few months each) that both went south for one reason or another, nothing that should also end up becoming a problem for me. They took those seriously, but neither one ended well, as so many relationships don’t. Honestly, they were about ready to throw in the towel on finding something functional when they started getting to know me. Yeah, I know, I'm a back-patter:).
Are you really equally into both people?
I am! Thank goodness. I wondered about this, too, at the very beginning, especially because I'd never been involved with/kissed/seriously considered dating another woman. I mean, I've always been hardcore pro-GLBT and had lesbian friends and super-close female friends, but I never really thought I'd have an honest-to-goodness romantic response to a woman, or a sexual impulse I'd feel comfortable acting on. I had convinced myself that all of that "person-specific" rhetoric I'd heard in college was just the prattling justification of horny people who got all hot for anyone who found THEM attractive.
But it's a real thing, guys—turns out I happen to like this woman a lot. And though some aspects of it have been new, it hasn't been weird for a second--it's been just like it should be, just like it was with my darling boyfriend as well--that thing where you meet someone and you just feel you're going to get each other, that you long to be near that person as often as possible.Of course, my relationship with each of them has its own characteristics--I relate to each one in our own way, which is really fun because I get to share different sides of myself really intimately with two people at once.
But we all agree that one of the most crucial factors that makes us work so well is that I adore them as a couple. I was drawn to their rich, loving relationship and am constantly touched and rewarded to be included. They like that a lot--without it, a lot of jealousy could creep in from all sides, which, I probably don't have to mention, would be a surefire way to screw everything up, including our relationship AND their marriage.
Tomorrow: Part 2, the benefits and challenges of dating a couple
* super sexy and exotic fake name
8 comments:
This is fascinating! I can't wait to read part two!
I know! I was really intrigued when Elizabeth told me about this as well. I think a lot of people think these relationships are limited to weirdo and sex fiends and I think it's important to dispell that myth.
Holy cats, I NEVER thought I'd find a convincing argument that such a relationship could work ... but it certainly sounds healthy and real. I'm also eager to hear part 2!
Wow, so interesting! I once knew a married couple who were super awesome people, way in love with each other and attracted to each other...and liked to bring another woman into their relationship. I don't know if it ever turned out very well, but they were both very cool people, so I could understand the attraction someone else would have.
Looking forward to hearing more! hehe
Oh wow. Thats so interesting. I can't wait to find out more about this.
Wow, wow, wow. This is so interesting! Like Sal I'd never come across anyone who could convince me a relationship like this could work, there usually seems to be too many personalities to contend with.
But this! This is amazing, it sounds so genuine and lovely.
I will join the "this is really interesting" club. I cannot wait to read more about this. Then again, I am a voyeur when it comes to other people's relationships, homes, etc.
Interesting! It's still hard for my brain to fathom how a relationship like this could work. But, it sounds lovely.
Also, I just watched Monster Squad the other night. It was awesome.
Post a Comment